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Where Have All the Cowboys Gone? Or, Reasons Why I’m Still Single
The other day, my sister-in-law commented on an article her friend posted on Facebook titled “Why Men Won’t Marry You.” Naturally, my ears perked up. Yes, I would like to know why I’m still single at my age. Please, Fox News article, tell me!
The arguments laid out are similar to those a member posted on the Ricochet Facebook page that caused quite the, um… stir. The author of the Fox News article makes a more compelling, less rude case for the decline in marriage rates, and breaks it down into two main reasons:
- Because, why not? With premarital sex not only having become commonplace but even expected, why buy the cow when you can get a gallon of 2% for free by the second or third date? Most of my friends think it’s not only weird, it’s folly to wait until engagement or marriage to have sex.
- What’s in it for men? Citing punitive, husband-hating divorce settlements so easily come by — especially in “no fault” states — men have an increasing fear of losing everything they’ve worked for. According to the article, marriage rates are way down in England and America — the lowest since 1895. The protesting party in this anti-marriage sit-in are usually the men, and I can certainly attest to that with my own dating experience.
Since moving back to Nashville from New York, in an attempt to steer clear of the charming sleazeballs I had dated in my early- to mid-20s, I vowed to only date men with a kind heart and a strong Christian faith. And I’ve done just that — over and over and over. In the past five years, I have been shocked by how many wonderful, smart, kind, morally centered men there are out there; men who would make wonderful husbands and fathers.
But here’s the kicker — they don’t want to get married! After a few months of stimulating conversation, fun outings, and me getting emotionally attached, it always ends the same way: “I really like being single, I just don’t think marriage and kids is for me.” There’s a smattering of other reasons thrown in as well, like “It makes me really insecure that you make more money than I do,” or “I don’t feel established enough in my career to support a family.” I might write off the whole I-don’t-want-to-get-married thing as a ruse, something they say to soften the blow; however, these men do not go on to marry other women. I can only figure that either I’ve ruined them for good, or they actually don’t want to get married.
Where did this anti-marriage sentiment come from? With every Southern Christian stereotype in mind, one might normally dismiss the unmarried male trend as something that must be contained to the secular, lefty East and West coasts, but this trend is happening right here on the front porch of the Bible belt. Men raised in unbroken, socially conservative Christian homes are choosing the bachelor life instead.
Of course, everyone has the right to stay single if they so choose, but the resulting effect it has on society is not good (Cloward and Piven, anyone?). We can all list the contributing factors behind the marriage strike — premarital sex becoming de rigueur, a weak job market, militant feminism, and a court system punishingly skewed in favor of women. But how do we change it?
Without swinging the pendulum too far in the opposite direction, how can we begin to move the culture back to a time when men picked you up at your door for a real date and didn’t stop calling if you didn’t put out right away? I hope things change, because with each passing year I get closer and closer to that double-wide in the country and adopting all the cats.
I would love to hear from the Ricochetti bachelors. Why do you stay single? What would it take for you to change your mind and settle down?
Published in Culture, Marriage
This puts me in my of Midge’s “Game” post a couple of months back. A big part of “Game” is showing disinterest, as there are types of women who like stringing men along and can’t stand rejection – they take it so personally as to consider it a challenge to their attractiveness and power.
Touché, er, toupé.
Types of women. And men. (Like my Nice Christian Guy.) Types of people.
Here’s the “Game” post.
And here’s my post on virginity in the mating market.
I wonder if the tradition from thousands of years of human history and the modern tradition are even the same thing; if what we call “marriage” is the same “marriage” by the standards of centuries past.
Marriage for affection is a privilege of modern affluence. We have enjoyed that privilege for so long now that it has become the norm and is mistaken for the essence of marriage. In poor nations, even if marriages are not arranged by elders, marriage is primarily practical and considered a necessary condition of adulthood. It’s more akin to this:
When your mate is chosen for you or you are forced to make an early decision, then you focus on making the best of your present situation. You don’t compare your present options to the hope of future alternatives.
Modern Western cultures don’t mandate that a person be married to be treated like an adult. They encourage careful selection and offer an escape hatch regardless of whether or not the marriage is oppressive in any way. One can even be a parent on one’s own. And, even in an economy which “struggles” by modern American standards, financial stability is easier to achieve today than it was a century ago. Many of the old incentives are gone.
Again, I perceive marriage for affection as a privilege. A privilege isn’t a bad thing. But greater freedom requires greater responsibility to maintain. Like unruly teenagers or wasteful royals, many have abused those freedoms. Those abuses might eventually culminate in a situation that removes the privileges we now enjoy.
I wouldn’t put it that starkly with regards to my ex.
Aaron,
I don’t think what we call marriage is the same institution as in times past, but I think the cause of that change is prosperity.
There was a time when marriage was a necessity for survival. Without that necessity, people will abandon it more readily.
From a sheer supply-demand standpoint, in your 20’s you wasted your time on the wrong men, while your competitors (other women) scooped up the right men. Now that you’ve decided to focus on the right men, the supply is much smaller. There’s a reason the men still available don’t want to get married: that’s why they’re still available.
How do we change the culture? Good question. In the mean time, a more practical question is: how do young women find the right men in the culture we have? A: fathers. Get dad back in the loop. Having been a young man, he knows the tricks. He can tell the difference between the charming sleaze-ball and the real deal.
There are two ways for a young woman to learn to distinguish between Mr. Right and Mr. Wrong. The hard way, on your own, through experience. Or the easy way — listen to Dad.
I both would and wouldn’t regarding Nice Christian Guy (TM). His behavior was no different from the behavior of someone engaged in naked power play, but there is no way in a million years that it would have ever occurred to him that that’s what he was doing.
Forgive me for being forward, VC, you seem like a perfectly charming young woman (judging by your ricochet persona, if you were in Sydney I’d try and set you up myself) – so don’t take this as a criticism, but it seems to me that one can’t get married by critiquing the culture. The only thing one can realistically change in this equation is oneself, or one’s attitude. Perhaps the guys you’re picking as good husband and father material aren’t? Comfortable and safe may not be it. Or perhaps it will all just happen in God’s good time? In any case, God bless and I’m sure your future will be bright and happy, and with only a reasonable number of cats.
Maybe, but you noted that she only expressed interest when you stopped pursuing her. It may not have been conscious in her mind, but I’m sure it was a part – as long as you were still available to her she felt safe. When you broke away from her for good she was no longer safe.
My in-laws reckoned I was the former: one said it was clear that I was a drug dealer.
Right, most manipulators don’t actually see themselves as such (my grandmother comes to mind) but rather as the put upon victims.
YMMV. Some fathers are more reliable judges than others.
Right, I did not mean my remark as a blanket statement. Thanks for linking back to these, they’re good advice..
VC, I don’t know what to say. Feminists have won, and the unintended consequence is that people wait so long to get married that they no longer feel the need to do so – and men are extremely skittish about being pinned down.
I agree with King Prawn that it is important that people realize we are supposed to marry and then grow with the other person.
The only solution I know lies in all the traditions of religious fanaticism, and even that is not enough. Divorce is no longer a stigma even in ultra-orthodox Jewish circles (though it remains more rare than in the society at large). I married very young and impetuously (thank G-d!!), and my wife and I have a strict crocodile-divorce policy. But we know all too well that this is quite rare. Most people see divorce as an option, not a fast track to an encounter with a massive and hungry reptile.
The incentives need to be changed before men will accept the risks. And I do not blame them. I have friends who are indentured servants to their horrible ex-wife.
From your description of suitors I would say cowardice. Still everything about no-fault divorce is rigged against men, so it is easy to understand: why bother? You might as well slit your own throat.
Of course I reside in California, where a woman being a whore is celebrated as some type of virtue. My perspective may be skewed.
Obviously.
That’s a fairer way of putting it.
You just made me feel old. I was a fresh faced undergraduate when Paula had her moment after touring with Peter Gabriel (great concert BTW)
OK, it depends on the dad. My dad must have had some charm, seeing as how he convinced not one but three women to marry him (he was twice a widower – very sad). Nonetheless, he was not the sort of guy a girl could go to for advice about men.
When I came to my parents, despairing, in my mid-twenties, about how I would ever meet another man, much less a suitable one, my dad’s only advice was, “Umm… Have you tried going out to bars alone, maybe?…”
When it came to playing the dating game, I effectively didn’t have a father. That’s OK – my dad was a great man in other ways. But I wouldn’t be surprised if many Millennials find themselves in a similar situation: they have fathers that simply haven’t got a lot to say to their daughters about this topic anymore.
The war of the sexes has brought us Peter Pans.
Middle aged men are for the most part unwilling to commit to anything out of fear, much of it justified.
I’d say there’s a direct correlation between this:
and this:
VC,
Two cats. Only two. No more are permitted. If you take more than two, you move out of the sane singles clubhouse and into a crazy cat lady clowder.
Plus, when you find a husband, it will be easier to find homes for two cats, if he is allergic. :)
edit:
I would like to add, you may include 1 hedgehog with your 2 cats, and still be in the sane singles club.
May I suggest finding the local 501st Legion? Full of geeky guys, many of them single and overlooked by “normal” women. That’s how my sister met her boyfriend, and after a year of dating, he’s dropping hints about ring shopping. (And that’s even after being gun shy about marriage with the challenges of supporting his ex-wife and kids.)
I can’t speak to the challenges of finding men to commit, as I was 18 and Mr. Amy 21 when we wed. I can say that there are a lot of good single men out there, if you’re willing to accept a bit of abnormality, like “looks good in uniform” means dressing like an Imperial officer.
My neighbour growing up was a bachelor well into his 60s. Lived frugally and saved his money. Then he married his high school sweetheart and gained instant grandchildren.
He’s kinda my hero.
Where have all the cowboys gone? This cowboy’s right here! ;-)
I’d just hope someday you’ll meet your best friend.
Your desire to reproduce may be an issue for some guys. Tough times for families in a tough world.
This is presently the funniest thing I’ve read today.
Since I have been married for over 30 years and still adore my wife, I am probably not in a good position to reply. However, I have 3 adults sons. Only one is married, and I don’t see any indication of the other 2 being interested. The one who is married doesn’t seem to want any kids. So, I have given this some thought, and here is what I believe.
I think it comes down to boys are taught that women don’t need them. Their role of protector and provider has been given to the government. Being needed and feeling like people you love are dependent on you is, in an odd way, very fulfilling for men. Taking care of a family is very rewarding.
Then there is the risk. If a man marries, odd are he will eventually get divorced. If that happens, he is not likely to have much further say in how the kids are raised, or get to enjoy them except every other weekend, but he will still bear the expense.
The answer lies in this question: Why are only women lamenting this development?
The men who “don’t want kids” basically don’t want to go through the entire ordeal of having the mother bond with the children and then dissociate themselves from the father and then leave with the children 2 years 4 years 7 years 9 years and villify them whilst taking them to the woodshed. Look around. That’s what is happening. The culture of Oprah supports these women and they are swimming in a world of man-disrespect and baby-stealing.
These nice Christian men might not want to articulate this fact, or the might not wish to even face this very real and pervasive occurence.
Women have proven themselves untrustworthy when it comes to children.
I have two children and have been married twice -10 years and 20 years (so far). With the culture and laws today, there is absolutely no reason a man should take the chance to have children.