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Where Have All the Cowboys Gone? Or, Reasons Why I’m Still Single
The other day, my sister-in-law commented on an article her friend posted on Facebook titled “Why Men Won’t Marry You.” Naturally, my ears perked up. Yes, I would like to know why I’m still single at my age. Please, Fox News article, tell me!
The arguments laid out are similar to those a member posted on the Ricochet Facebook page that caused quite the, um… stir. The author of the Fox News article makes a more compelling, less rude case for the decline in marriage rates, and breaks it down into two main reasons:
- Because, why not? With premarital sex not only having become commonplace but even expected, why buy the cow when you can get a gallon of 2% for free by the second or third date? Most of my friends think it’s not only weird, it’s folly to wait until engagement or marriage to have sex.
- What’s in it for men? Citing punitive, husband-hating divorce settlements so easily come by — especially in “no fault” states — men have an increasing fear of losing everything they’ve worked for. According to the article, marriage rates are way down in England and America — the lowest since 1895. The protesting party in this anti-marriage sit-in are usually the men, and I can certainly attest to that with my own dating experience.
Since moving back to Nashville from New York, in an attempt to steer clear of the charming sleazeballs I had dated in my early- to mid-20s, I vowed to only date men with a kind heart and a strong Christian faith. And I’ve done just that — over and over and over. In the past five years, I have been shocked by how many wonderful, smart, kind, morally centered men there are out there; men who would make wonderful husbands and fathers.
But here’s the kicker — they don’t want to get married! After a few months of stimulating conversation, fun outings, and me getting emotionally attached, it always ends the same way: “I really like being single, I just don’t think marriage and kids is for me.” There’s a smattering of other reasons thrown in as well, like “It makes me really insecure that you make more money than I do,” or “I don’t feel established enough in my career to support a family.” I might write off the whole I-don’t-want-to-get-married thing as a ruse, something they say to soften the blow; however, these men do not go on to marry other women. I can only figure that either I’ve ruined them for good, or they actually don’t want to get married.
Where did this anti-marriage sentiment come from? With every Southern Christian stereotype in mind, one might normally dismiss the unmarried male trend as something that must be contained to the secular, lefty East and West coasts, but this trend is happening right here on the front porch of the Bible belt. Men raised in unbroken, socially conservative Christian homes are choosing the bachelor life instead.
Of course, everyone has the right to stay single if they so choose, but the resulting effect it has on society is not good (Cloward and Piven, anyone?). We can all list the contributing factors behind the marriage strike — premarital sex becoming de rigueur, a weak job market, militant feminism, and a court system punishingly skewed in favor of women. But how do we change it?
Without swinging the pendulum too far in the opposite direction, how can we begin to move the culture back to a time when men picked you up at your door for a real date and didn’t stop calling if you didn’t put out right away? I hope things change, because with each passing year I get closer and closer to that double-wide in the country and adopting all the cats.
I would love to hear from the Ricochetti bachelors. Why do you stay single? What would it take for you to change your mind and settle down?
Published in Culture, Marriage
An oldie, but goodie: “Men, The Gender Wars Are Over – We Won!“
Yes, I can see how that song would appeal to 12-year-old girls.
;-)
Sabr, what do you mean you “just have to add 1?”
I’m always really surprised when I hear stories of people having dated for years and years, only for one person to morph into a life-sucking demon. Specifically, I don’t get why women are such witches during a breakup. I was engaged to my accompanist 8 years ago. We were together for 4 years, and and when he came home one day and said out of the blue that he didn’t want to marry me and he was moving out, I was floored. I took off a half day of work to help him move out of our place. I never screamed at him or tried to exact vengeance on him, and I don’t get why women decide it’s a good idea to do those things. I wonder if it’s because people don’t understand what it means to love unconditionally, because when you do love in such a way, the best interests of the other person always determine your actions.
No woman has wanted to take on the lifetime obligation of picking up after me. I have a very “relaxed” attitude towards household maintenance and cleanliness.
Re:#30- Aaron Miller has often expressed the same ideas. I wish he would show up to the party…
Well, I did give a trigger warning…
As for the Doc, oof! Well, best of luck to him, anyone that picky is more likely to get hung out to dry.
Mis- gotcha. Get a housekeeper! ;) I somehow think your domestic hygiene is a red herring, however… ;)
I married a widow with children. We wanted the same things and were willing to sacrifice to achieve those goals, which were largely internal to our family life. We muddled through the rest, holding on to each other and our children.
She did convert (which was not required) and we raised our children as Catholics, homeschooling the last two. We’ll soon celebrate our 33rd anniversary and I find myself as in love with her as ever I was. Lucky seems the wrong word so perhaps provident will do. Providence came my way. I had the wit to respond appropriately.
I tend to think the biggest factors are the current state of divorce law, combined with some unrealistic expectations many women have for men.
At the moment, a woman can unilaterally end a marriage and get the house, the kids, child support and possibly alimony, all while moving on to…how can I put this delicately…bang other dudes.
In cases where one party wants to dissolve the marriage and the other doesn’t, I think divorce law should allow it, but not let that person profit from it. Current law does a fairly good job of protecting women from their husband abandoning them and their kids because he meets a younger woman and leaves. There needs to be a similar setup when the wife decides she is “unfufilled” and “unhappy” and decides to leave.
You end the marriage, you don’t get the house or the kids or financial support unless you are leaving for reasons of fault (abuse, adulterous spouse and so on).
There is a whole generation who watched their fathers get hosed in divorces. It has had an impact on their opinion of getting married.
If you take a look at blogs where these issues are discussed: many guys are concerned that a woman who preferred “sleazeballs” (charming or otherwise) in her earlier years may deep down *still* prefer that type, and only be looking to them (“nice guys”) as a practical solution rather than something based on genuine romantic/sexual attraction.
What about the current society being geared towards instant gratification? We have become an on-demand society. I had to my explain to my 8 year old boy about commercials on TV. He’s never seen one. He only sees the pre-roll ads on YouTube. Otherwise, he watches what he wants when he wants on netflix or itunes. (age appropriate, of course) I also had to explain how in the olden days, if you wanted to watch a TV show, you have to do it at a specific time on a day of the week. Otherwise, you needed an expensive recording device if you wanted to watch it later. He seemed shocked at the concept.
With the young folks, nobody wants to wait on anything anymore. Add the younger generation’s over-inflated self esteem and special snowflake status, Its me, me,me, now, now, now.
That’s really sweet, Donald!
I’m 31 and married, though for just over a year. I admit, I wasn’t overly keen to get married, although my wife and I had been dating for almost 4 years. I like my own space, the ability to close a door and be undisturbed, and I keep weird hours. I like drinking whisky and playing the piano and 2 in the morning. All things I had to give up. But the trade-off was worth it!
12, 9, 2 was a story, so I remember it well. “Who did you date before we met?” “Well, there were 11 girls I’d asked out, but 9 weren’t interested, and 2 were just too busy, but that’s OK, because then I met you, and everything’s been wonderful.” (Story simplified for word count.)
There has only been 1 since. 13, 9, 3.
I’d’ve preferred screaming. For the space of about 2 weeks, she started acting strangely. In particular, she had just graduated, so I made plans to help her move back home to where the wedding was supposed to happen. She was also dragging her feet on wedding plans. She said she would rather meet me in Kansas City rather than have me help her move, and she started evading wedding planning.
We were set to sign for the post-wedding apartment on June 18. Suspecting a problem, I called on June 17 and asked what the problem was.
She said she didn’t love me, hadn’t for a while, and didn’t want to get married.
After that, she never took another of my calls, arranged to give me back the ring through a friend, and we haven’t spoken since.
And won’t, in this life or the next, short of an act of God.
I’m sure this doesn’t apply to Vicryl Contessa, but some women will spend years on the wild side, then marry a respectable man. After a few years, she decides she had more fun with the bad boys and leaves her husband for a dirtbag with a drug habit. I don’t know though, that a lot of single men are staying away from marriage because they foresee that happening to them.
My heart breaks for you, Sabr. That’s a horrible thing to go through- that sucks.
Just a heads-up, Vicryl.
During the time I vowed to date only Christian men with a kind heart and a strong Christian faith, the man most overtly matching that description turned out to be the most sophisticated sort of sleaze-ball – a man, I found out later, who had previously been kicked out of several other churches for preying on vulnerable young women.
Now, having met you, I know full well that you don’t match the description of “vulnerable young woman” as I once was. I’m pretty confident that if you meet a wolf dressed up as a shepherd, you’ll be quicker than I was to figure out what’s what and escape unscathed.
Still, women who advertise their desire for a Christian man can and do attract a certain class of con-men.
Now imagine that conversation after 6 years of marriage, with the word “regret” featured prominently. Then imagine that is the kindest of the things she said.
Randy, I’m long done with the bad boys. I’ll take a nerdy guy any day of the week. What kills me is that I’m always very up front with men regarding my wants and expectations- I want to get married (for keeps), have kids, continue to work. They seem on board with things for a while, then they all decide they just want to stay single and they don’t want kids. I don’t understand why they couldn’t have come to this conclusion before getting involved, but it seems to be the theme of my dating life.
Get an electronic piano (with weighted keys) and a nice set of headphones. Then you can play at anytime of day or night. That’s what my husband does.
Frank- my heart breaks for you too.
My wife and I used to say that the one who left had to take the kids.
There was a girl I started dating right at the end of high school. We had one of those cute stories of it being so unlikely to meet. I thought we would get married because I was a naive little kid who believed in crap like “meant to be for each other.”
She broke up with me the summer after she graduated high school (relationship lasted 2 years+). But she didn’t just end it. It was one of these “just a break” string me along things for the next 6 months or so. I was obsessed and dying the whole time because we had to be together. There was no other way it could turn out.
I did go on a date during this time (with a girl that looked a little too much like my ex), but we didn’t really hit it off and she was pre-med so didn’t seem to be have the time to hang out with me more.
Then, probably 8 months after things had ended, I started dating Alice, and since this corresponded to a huge drop in my obsession, my ex called me up suddenly interested in trying things again. Ha! Like I was going to go back there at this point!
Best thing that ever happened to me. I’m so glad my ex dumped me because I might have married her, and we weren’t right for each other long term. Been with Alice 11 years, married 5 and a half.
There’s no getting around it, searching for love yields some sad stories. Tough as it is, I urge you singles to not quit looking. That person is out there for you and of course, worth finding. I have two kids who would like to be married but can’t seem to find the right person. I don’t think they are overly picky, they just want to find someone with similar values–conservative, Christian–that they like and could picture spending their lives with. My daughter lives in DC, and I think that has been a bit of an obstacle. It seems like so many singles there are more interested in building careers than families. My son is that rarity, a conservative social worker, so it is hard for him to meet smart conservative women. I think both would enjoy a Rico singles meet-up. How do y’all singles here feel about set-ups? I’ve sometimes thought in these singles threads that there are people here I’d like to set up my single kids with for a blind date, but many singles are unenthused about set-ups. I know a lot of people who met that way, though I remember some pretty awful blind dates in my single days, so I understand the reluctance.
Men don’t have to be in a rush. A 50-year-old man has a much easier time attracting a 25-year-old wife than a 50-year-old woman has attracting a 25-year-old husband.
Time is on men’s side. Given modern divorce law, it may be the only thing left on men’s side. Which means it’s reasonable for them to make as much of their one advantage as they can.
Don’t they have pre-nups in hill-billy land?
Doesn’t matter, he can dye his hair. Or get a wig.
It’s good that you are up front. I was too, which at 19/20 was a bit scary for some women around me, but then I knew early on that I wanted to get married and start a family. I got lucky and found a lady that wanted the same things.
Still, it is disheartening to hear that even when you are up front some guys will still date for extended periods, knowing that they don’t want actually want marriage. That, to me anyway, is selfish date trolling. I’ve been telling my eldest daughter that, when she does start to seriously date (thankfully this is a few years off yet), she will have to tread carefully.
Sad, but it has ever been thus. Still, I can’t imagine trying to start a family at age 50+.
I got a similar phone call from the Nice Christian Guy (TM) who was secretly a predator. Not that I had lost interest in him because I was dating anyone else yet. I had just lost interest, period. I was too upset to consider dating anyone for something like two years.
He simply hadn’t believed my fury at him was real, and figured that, like most women, I’d eventually beg to have him back. But I swore to myself I’d never beg. And I didn’t.
Even so, telling him, “No way in Hell!” was harder than I had anticipated.
Yeah. Mr R says the Nice Christian Guy was the best thing that ever happened to him, since it turned me off Christian men for a while. If I had insisted on the “you must be a Christian” thing, Mr R and I never would have married.