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A Shameful Confession…
I admit to writing this essay with a great deal of trepidation. As a Conservative, and as an American, and moreover as a Male, a Husband, and a Father, I feel that I have failed in fulfilling my moral, familial, and community obligations. I have gone back over this confession many times, have rehearsed the words in my mind and aloud in the confines of my garage many times, yet still my fingers tremble as I type this. I apologize to you all and beg for your forgiveness.
For I have been harboring a shameful and dark secret now for many years, and while I would, for your sakes and for your peace of mind, gladly continue to live this lie, I am driven to confess for the sake of my own sanity. I cannot even look my own wife or our own dear, sweet daughters in the eyes any more, concealing this festering wound as I do. I must unburden myself and throw my fate upon your mercy.
You see, I really don’t like bacon all that much. Now please don’t throw stones at me for this, please don’t cast me out or shun me, this is how I was born and I must humbly ask for your tolerance… nay, I shall not use that word… I ask for your acceptance. This is how I was made. The Good Lord, in his infinite mercy and wisdom, did not grace me with the ability or the natural inclinations to desire cured and salted pork-belly products, instead granting me a preference for sausage products.
Perhaps in another time (say, the 1980s) my kind would have been more tolerated, but today’s society has grown far too discriminatory against my people. Today we are daily forced to endure censure and reprisal for refusing to hang bacon-scented air fresheners in our cars, and we must bite our tongues rather than admit that bacon-jalepeño chocolate causes our stomachs to churn. When I refuse a proffered bacon-soda at a party, the whole room turns to stare at me like I’m some kind of freak. Why can’t others be more understanding?
I know some who still try to pretend, to maintain the facade by ordering turkey-bacon, or tofu-bacon, but this still draws dirty looks and snarky remarks about “watching our waistlines.” You should know that we try these disguises to please you, not ourselves, and we long for the day when we can again enjoy our breakfasts in peace.
Nay, instead our society has now turned bacon from merely one choice among many on the breakfast menu into a fetish, a totem, an idol to whom we must sacrifice our taste buds and aesthetic taste! Bacon served at lunch. Bacon wrapped unnaturally around other meats at dinner! Bacon-flavored candy for dessert even! I cannot even buy a bottle of wine for quiet enjoyment at home without confronting unwanted porcine provocation, and am daily treated to the scornful prejudices of those who wear bacon-imprinted shirts as if they were proudly donning the uniforms of some fascist cult.
What is perhaps most demeaning of all is the prurient curiosity for my brethren who still like the occasional slice of bacon, or who still indulge in a BLT, or who dare openly flaunt their breakfast proclivities by ordering bacon and sausage at breakfast. I myself even “cross over” at times, but honestly, it’s none of your business. We do not censure your food choices, let us enjoy ours.
Let us all work together towards a world where the bacon-lovers can live in peace with the other food lovers.
Thank you for your support.
Published in General, Humor
It’s on the Ruby Yacht of Omar Khyam.
In this case, isn’t it the Ru-bacon?
Seawriter
Has anyone else noticed how Skipsul is not telling us how he feels about beef jerky? We all know the reason for this. Did he really think he could get away with it?
I like Skip’s beef jerky with a tasty Zin.
Or a Rockpile Cab.
What does beef jerky have to do with bacon? One comes from a pig, the other is mystery meat. I like things mysterious – to a point anyway.
Mountin’ Man, in which state is your wine?
Once again you are not answering the question. Do you think I am STUPID?
See The Underwritten Papers In Drawer?
Do we really need to answer that?
Why all the screaming and shouting my brother?
Agree, chillax, eat something mellow, like yogurt <grin> Peace out…
Skipsul,
Now you won’t answer if I am stupid or not.
Just tell us without equivocating are you now are have you ever eaten beef jerky? That is the real issue and all this bacon talk is just a side order on the menu of life.
And you still have not told me if I should answer this question. Why is it so important to you? Why the sudden concern with beef jerky? Frankly I think you are leading us on here and fishing for answers, while ignoring more important issues, like what YOU have against fish! I understand with your living in Japan you might be ashamed of answering this honestly, but you’re being a shameless cod by this attempting to distract us by trouting out whatever your beef is today anyway.
To the one who shall not be named,
You are just trying to trap me into saying that I like octopus. I know you. Still you won’t answer the question about beef jerky. Now you pull this red herring to distract everyone. Okay I will answer your question. Yes, you need to tell me if I am STUPID or not. How can we have an honest dialog with you constantly putting bacon grease on my tires?
Dime, for your cultural edification, ‘beef jerky’ is strips of dried (smoked or dehydrated) steak or rib-eye roast – at least in our family recipe – seasoned beforehand and marinated overnight. The process seems mysterious, but the results are most definitely plain to taste.
Why do I need to even answer this question? Of what relevance does it even have to bacon, much less jerky?
Because I asked you. We all know you really wanted to talk about beef jerky but wrote a bacon post to hide your motives. Why are you not dealing with the main issue of this post?
Have to agree with Rex Dime on this one. Come clean man, even if it was just that one time in college. You’re among friends here. We’ll still respect you (maybe – maybe not). Step out of the closet and into your new found lavender beef jerky embracing lifestyle.
Simon,
I agree. In his avatar he has a thermos with a hand wrapped around it. Need I say anything more. Why don’t people see these things?
If you think that thermos is anything more than a thermos then you are daft.
As for beef jerky, if it will satisfy your prurient minds, then yes I have been known to consume at times.
Skip,
So you admit that it is a thermos. You admit you consumed beef jerky. This proves my point. Have you no shame?
and a lavender thermos at that. NTTAWWT.
My shameful confession is I had a grilled cheese sandwich for breakfast, slathered with bacon fat, instead of butter. Hello weekend!
Thanks to 3rd Angle Projection who shared that delicious concept with us.
Now, WHO is opening the restaurant chain with the motto, “Eet Mor Bakon” ?
Simon,
I hear his thermos goes both ways. It can store hot things and cold things. Isn’t that a cup on it? NTTAWWT
Lavender? Looks like Ricochet Blue to me. Unless you’re trying to say that Ricochet is a lavender site…
Maybe we should start a help group because like you I don’t care much for bacon (especially crispy bacon) but I do like BLTs very much.
I’m not much for eggs in the morning either but love breakfast for the evening meal.
They love turkey bacon.