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A Shameful Confession…
I admit to writing this essay with a great deal of trepidation. As a Conservative, and as an American, and moreover as a Male, a Husband, and a Father, I feel that I have failed in fulfilling my moral, familial, and community obligations. I have gone back over this confession many times, have rehearsed the words in my mind and aloud in the confines of my garage many times, yet still my fingers tremble as I type this. I apologize to you all and beg for your forgiveness.
For I have been harboring a shameful and dark secret now for many years, and while I would, for your sakes and for your peace of mind, gladly continue to live this lie, I am driven to confess for the sake of my own sanity. I cannot even look my own wife or our own dear, sweet daughters in the eyes any more, concealing this festering wound as I do. I must unburden myself and throw my fate upon your mercy.
You see, I really don’t like bacon all that much. Now please don’t throw stones at me for this, please don’t cast me out or shun me, this is how I was born and I must humbly ask for your tolerance… nay, I shall not use that word… I ask for your acceptance. This is how I was made. The Good Lord, in his infinite mercy and wisdom, did not grace me with the ability or the natural inclinations to desire cured and salted pork-belly products, instead granting me a preference for sausage products.
Perhaps in another time (say, the 1980s) my kind would have been more tolerated, but today’s society has grown far too discriminatory against my people. Today we are daily forced to endure censure and reprisal for refusing to hang bacon-scented air fresheners in our cars, and we must bite our tongues rather than admit that bacon-jalepeño chocolate causes our stomachs to churn. When I refuse a proffered bacon-soda at a party, the whole room turns to stare at me like I’m some kind of freak. Why can’t others be more understanding?
I know some who still try to pretend, to maintain the facade by ordering turkey-bacon, or tofu-bacon, but this still draws dirty looks and snarky remarks about “watching our waistlines.” You should know that we try these disguises to please you, not ourselves, and we long for the day when we can again enjoy our breakfasts in peace.
Nay, instead our society has now turned bacon from merely one choice among many on the breakfast menu into a fetish, a totem, an idol to whom we must sacrifice our taste buds and aesthetic taste! Bacon served at lunch. Bacon wrapped unnaturally around other meats at dinner! Bacon-flavored candy for dessert even! I cannot even buy a bottle of wine for quiet enjoyment at home without confronting unwanted porcine provocation, and am daily treated to the scornful prejudices of those who wear bacon-imprinted shirts as if they were proudly donning the uniforms of some fascist cult.
What is perhaps most demeaning of all is the prurient curiosity for my brethren who still like the occasional slice of bacon, or who still indulge in a BLT, or who dare openly flaunt their breakfast proclivities by ordering bacon and sausage at breakfast. I myself even “cross over” at times, but honestly, it’s none of your business. We do not censure your food choices, let us enjoy ours.
Let us all work together towards a world where the bacon-lovers can live in peace with the other food lovers.
Thank you for your support.
Published in General, Humor
Te accipio.
Good thing you used the tag “Parody” AND “satire”, otherwise I would have though you seriously didn’t like bacon.
That’s what you’re joking about, right? Not liking bacon? Because everybody likes bacon.
Or else.
-E
More for me. We’re good.
What about Muslims???
Skipsul, maybe you should call yourself 25 cents, or if you are feeling humble, five cents. If you are feeling weird (which apparently you are) how about 17 cents?
Just like a virgin, they’d like it if they tried it.
-E
Oh, so I’m “weird” for not liking bacon? Porkist!
Little extra time on your hands skipsul?
I can deal with porkist. I like it better than Porky.
http://askmarion.wordpress.com/2011/01/14/edward-bernays-from-bacon-and-eggs-to-mind-control/
Don’t blame yourself, you just have enough inner strength to unknowingly resist mind control….
Regardless of any inborn inclination, YOU are a unique person who was created in the image and likeness of God. As long as we don’t have to rewrite marriage and family law to accommodate your preferences, from a policy standpoint I truly do not care what you do in your own kitchen. But if you decide to create some kind of identity politics around it, and to change certain legal presumptions and societal assumptions surrounding the family, then I’m going oppose those changes with everything in me.
I’ve been doing long term inventory forecasting all day and that always makes me slap-happy. You try figuring how much you’ll need of a 26-week lead-time part 9 months from now, see how long your sanity lasts!
Now to return to my
tarot cards, ouija board, crystal ball, and chicken entrailsMRP system.You know . . . whether this is parody or not I don’t really care if you don’t like bacon. I like it.
If you like it and this is a parody, well, it is something we share.
If you really don’t like it, that means that much more bacon for me.
Win either way, as far as I am concerned.
Seawriter
There is no word in elvish, entish or the tongues of men for this treachery. What could poses you to admit to such hateful thoughts? You are just lucky that Ricochet is such a civilized place, tolerant and open minded, because if it were up to me you would be hunted down like a dog. Bacon is bigger than Jesus and the Beatles put together. Get with the program man. Sausages are just the discarded entrails of pigs stuffed with the crappy non-bacon parts. They are literally garbage meat. You plead for tolerance but clearly you are a racist against bacon and people who eat bacon like African Americans. I can’t even continue this response that is is how filled with rage I am at your food heresy….may God have mercy on your bacon hating soul because no man will.
I’m with you Skip, because I’m the same way with pumpkin. A vegetable that should be carved into a jack o lantern and used for no other purpose, as far a I’m concerned. And we’re getting into pumpkin season now.
Also, only bacon should be bacon flavored. It is enough.
You’re dead to me.
Pumpkins are fruits, not vegetables. and Bacon is a slice of heaven.
It’s purely because they are inclined to love it so much, that they must avoid it. Self sacrifice, you know.
Skipsul,
There is no shame in being a low down snake in the grass four flusher person who has deceived us for years. You have found the higher truth. I don’t consider your sissy food taste to be unmanly.
I just want to know when you will force the rest of us to stop eating bacon to protect you from the pain you feel. Will restaurants have to have “No Bacon Zones”? Will there be warning labels on every package? Is it true bacon is more addictive than Tobacco? What are your views on second hand aroma?
Didn’t Black Jack Pershing wrap the bullets that his soldiers shot the mohammedans with in bacon? A sort of very old school non-PC pig in the blanket/muslim? Whether myth or merely legend, it is yet another reason to love bacon.
You are free to like or dislike any food you please.
Your “inventory forecast” comment is going to the buyers at my place of work-they will love it. You are NOT alone!
I hope so. But seriously, Skipsul, have you considered Turkey Bacon? Oscar Meyer’s is really good.
“Bacon. It’s the food that makes other foods worth eating.”
Yeah, and he has a lot of company here.
Wait, is this an election year?
Skipsul is pandering to get votes. He says this now but later after he is elected he will be Mr Pork. I have seen pictures of Skipsul. Let’s just say there is only one way to get that pigskin, pork belly, and other white meat and it doesn’t come from a cow.
Speaking of the other white meat, which is it pork or cheerleaders? There was a raging argument about this one year onboard an LST, and the correct answer was never clear in my mind. Can somebody help a brother out?
Skipsul is evil. I say we form a mob and smoke him at the stake. Does anyone have hickory chips?
You have no idea of the humiliation of having to clean the grease traps – the way that odor just clings to everything….
Unlikely he wrapped bullets in bacon. You would get misfires. Rub them in bacon or lubricate them with bacon fat, yes. That I can see. Even more effective would be telling them you are rubbing the bullets with bacon, and instead eat the bacon. How can they tell after it has been fired whether it was lubed with bacon fat, anyway?
Seawriter
Once you’ve seen how turkey “bacon” is made, you might reconsider that suggestion.
Applewood has a better aroma.