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A Shameful Confession…
I admit to writing this essay with a great deal of trepidation. As a Conservative, and as an American, and moreover as a Male, a Husband, and a Father, I feel that I have failed in fulfilling my moral, familial, and community obligations. I have gone back over this confession many times, have rehearsed the words in my mind and aloud in the confines of my garage many times, yet still my fingers tremble as I type this. I apologize to you all and beg for your forgiveness.
For I have been harboring a shameful and dark secret now for many years, and while I would, for your sakes and for your peace of mind, gladly continue to live this lie, I am driven to confess for the sake of my own sanity. I cannot even look my own wife or our own dear, sweet daughters in the eyes any more, concealing this festering wound as I do. I must unburden myself and throw my fate upon your mercy.
You see, I really don’t like bacon all that much. Now please don’t throw stones at me for this, please don’t cast me out or shun me, this is how I was born and I must humbly ask for your tolerance… nay, I shall not use that word… I ask for your acceptance. This is how I was made. The Good Lord, in his infinite mercy and wisdom, did not grace me with the ability or the natural inclinations to desire cured and salted pork-belly products, instead granting me a preference for sausage products.
Perhaps in another time (say, the 1980s) my kind would have been more tolerated, but today’s society has grown far too discriminatory against my people. Today we are daily forced to endure censure and reprisal for refusing to hang bacon-scented air fresheners in our cars, and we must bite our tongues rather than admit that bacon-jalepeño chocolate causes our stomachs to churn. When I refuse a proffered bacon-soda at a party, the whole room turns to stare at me like I’m some kind of freak. Why can’t others be more understanding?
I know some who still try to pretend, to maintain the facade by ordering turkey-bacon, or tofu-bacon, but this still draws dirty looks and snarky remarks about “watching our waistlines.” You should know that we try these disguises to please you, not ourselves, and we long for the day when we can again enjoy our breakfasts in peace.
Nay, instead our society has now turned bacon from merely one choice among many on the breakfast menu into a fetish, a totem, an idol to whom we must sacrifice our taste buds and aesthetic taste! Bacon served at lunch. Bacon wrapped unnaturally around other meats at dinner! Bacon-flavored candy for dessert even! I cannot even buy a bottle of wine for quiet enjoyment at home without confronting unwanted porcine provocation, and am daily treated to the scornful prejudices of those who wear bacon-imprinted shirts as if they were proudly donning the uniforms of some fascist cult.
What is perhaps most demeaning of all is the prurient curiosity for my brethren who still like the occasional slice of bacon, or who still indulge in a BLT, or who dare openly flaunt their breakfast proclivities by ordering bacon and sausage at breakfast. I myself even “cross over” at times, but honestly, it’s none of your business. We do not censure your food choices, let us enjoy ours.
Let us all work together towards a world where the bacon-lovers can live in peace with the other food lovers.
Thank you for your support.
Published in General, Humor
What do you mean he don’t like no bacon?
Oh, that’s okay. I make pancetta.
I would eat my own foot if it were wrapped in bacon.
fyi, i like the smokin’ monkey avatar, instead of the cheese head. that is, unless you can find a monkey with a bacon turbin?
ha ha, that monkey is thinkin’ about makin’ a bacon turban, but will probs eat the bacon first.
and the internet has reached its limit when no image of a monkey (or any other creature) wearing a bacon turban can be found.
Agree; however on the other hand, there is nothing finer than pumpkin pie on the breakfast table.
If we’re talking about bacon, and you’re putting it innuendo, then you’re doing it wrong.
The only way to cook bacon is on a cookie sheet in an oven at 300 degrees Fahrenheit. Those who fry it on stovetops are benighted barbarians and those who microwave it should be anathematized.
EJ, although I am in violent agreement with your comment and realize that it did take some considerable courage to post it here, regret to inform you that the SSM thread is not here. It is over there. Semper Fi.
Um… we were talking about pumpkins. And pie. Does that make it worse?
It makes it… more of a medical curiosity.
I think it would be easier to put a piece of bacon innuendo than a pumpkin. Just sayin’.
Who knew the word ‘innuendo’ could carry so much innuendo?
EJHill
Who knew the word ‘innuendo’ could carry so much innuendo?
In the end, it always does
#70-74: Best craic on Ricochet in a good while. Thanks, fellers, for the belly laugh.
Now we’re craic dealers!
To the one who should not be named,
You attack the SoCons, I am okay. You attack the FiCons, I could care less. You attack the NeoCons, I yawn. You attack the PaleoCons, I scratch my ear. BUT WHEN you attack the BaCons, I get heated and I start to sizzle. You will fry for this
my friendSkipsul*.* Sorry I could not think of a worse word to say and be CoC non-compliant.
For a minute there, I thought this might be a veiled confession over Bisexuality. But I think Skippy’s in the clear.
The Lettuce, Guacamole and Tomato we might still have to worry about.
Now you’re into the realm of polyamory, Kujawa. Or maybe polygustatory.
‘Sweird.
KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!
Bacon’s already dead. But, when it is sliced thin, a little exposure to fire improves it greatly.
Seawriter
Sea, I think he means Skip.
First we cure The One who shall not be named then the fire. I still need hickory chips, apple chips, or Pringles to complete the curing process on The One who shall not be named.
You are all a bunch of lunatic hams.
Speaking of which – Canadian bacon is very good (even if the rest of the world calls it sliced ham), I’ve got no problems with that.
I can misinterpret comments any way I want to.
Seawriter
I’m in a middle ground I guess. I love bacon, but not any of these bacon concoctions. The most I will do to my bacon is get a little syrup on it when I’m eating it with pancakes or waffles.
No bacon ice cream, or drinks, or other weirdness.
The best new bacon invention I’ve seen is the bacon weave.
I cook mine in a George Foreman grill.
btw, Skipsul’s zombie name should be Sipskul.
We are NOT!!! We are a HERD of lunatic hams. What Banana Truck did you fall off of?
A Murder of Hams?
If you ever take the family on another Lake Huron excursion, this is a place you should check out.
Excellent sausage, whitefish, and ham, but the best is the smoked, bone-in loin.