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A Shameful Confession…
I admit to writing this essay with a great deal of trepidation. As a Conservative, and as an American, and moreover as a Male, a Husband, and a Father, I feel that I have failed in fulfilling my moral, familial, and community obligations. I have gone back over this confession many times, have rehearsed the words in my mind and aloud in the confines of my garage many times, yet still my fingers tremble as I type this. I apologize to you all and beg for your forgiveness.
For I have been harboring a shameful and dark secret now for many years, and while I would, for your sakes and for your peace of mind, gladly continue to live this lie, I am driven to confess for the sake of my own sanity. I cannot even look my own wife or our own dear, sweet daughters in the eyes any more, concealing this festering wound as I do. I must unburden myself and throw my fate upon your mercy.
You see, I really don’t like bacon all that much. Now please don’t throw stones at me for this, please don’t cast me out or shun me, this is how I was born and I must humbly ask for your tolerance… nay, I shall not use that word… I ask for your acceptance. This is how I was made. The Good Lord, in his infinite mercy and wisdom, did not grace me with the ability or the natural inclinations to desire cured and salted pork-belly products, instead granting me a preference for sausage products.
Perhaps in another time (say, the 1980s) my kind would have been more tolerated, but today’s society has grown far too discriminatory against my people. Today we are daily forced to endure censure and reprisal for refusing to hang bacon-scented air fresheners in our cars, and we must bite our tongues rather than admit that bacon-jalepeño chocolate causes our stomachs to churn. When I refuse a proffered bacon-soda at a party, the whole room turns to stare at me like I’m some kind of freak. Why can’t others be more understanding?
I know some who still try to pretend, to maintain the facade by ordering turkey-bacon, or tofu-bacon, but this still draws dirty looks and snarky remarks about “watching our waistlines.” You should know that we try these disguises to please you, not ourselves, and we long for the day when we can again enjoy our breakfasts in peace.
Nay, instead our society has now turned bacon from merely one choice among many on the breakfast menu into a fetish, a totem, an idol to whom we must sacrifice our taste buds and aesthetic taste! Bacon served at lunch. Bacon wrapped unnaturally around other meats at dinner! Bacon-flavored candy for dessert even! I cannot even buy a bottle of wine for quiet enjoyment at home without confronting unwanted porcine provocation, and am daily treated to the scornful prejudices of those who wear bacon-imprinted shirts as if they were proudly donning the uniforms of some fascist cult.
What is perhaps most demeaning of all is the prurient curiosity for my brethren who still like the occasional slice of bacon, or who still indulge in a BLT, or who dare openly flaunt their breakfast proclivities by ordering bacon and sausage at breakfast. I myself even “cross over” at times, but honestly, it’s none of your business. We do not censure your food choices, let us enjoy ours.
Let us all work together towards a world where the bacon-lovers can live in peace with the other food lovers.
Thank you for your support.
Published in General, Humor
Will try to remember it.
Well you could move to Winooski Vermont…
Isn’t it a murder of crows?
Canadian bacon is not made of crow meat, you racist!
So you must have a winery? I (we ) have to plan for grape harvest each Spring by writing purchase contracts for grapes. We harvest the grapes in the Fall, and with big red wines, the wine rests in barrels for about 2 years before bottling and then another year before being provided to customers. In the meantime people join and leave the wine clubs which are our primary sales channel. Throw in a wildcard drought, Spring frost or Fall rains and a financial crisis and recession. Enough to drive you to drink!
Cheers!
You run a winery? Neat! Care to share a link?
I manufacture electronics for the utility truck industry. Our most critical parts in good times have lead times of 26 weeks. In bad times those jump to 52 weeks. In really really bad times they go on allocation, meaning that the factories stop taking order altogether for a while (bad if you forgot to get in the queue).
Back in 2009-2011 we had an industry-wide allocation crisis. I wrote about it here. Fun times…
I don’t like Chocolate.
Champagne pairs best with bacon. Or any similar combination of light, sparkly wine and greasy food. Champagne and Mexican food is a great mix. You just don’t want to share an elevator after.
I pitch ’em. You knock ’em out of the park. You’re welcome.
Don’t you think it’s funny how we first used microwave ovens for heating water (for instant coffee) and cooking bacon? All those ads for the special bacon cooking trays?
Okay, never mind. I’m showing my age. This was back when microwaves had dials instead of digital touch panels.
Honestly though, if you’re going to eat turkey bacon, the only way to get it crisp is in the microwave. Works great.
……Communist.
Just placed a small order. Too bad the sparkling syrah is sold out. I would have loved trying it with applewood smoked bacon.
I just want to say that the original post was genius – and I got a voyeuristic kick out of seeing how many Ricocheteers really prefer it innuendo.
Typical conservative hypocrites.
I’m horrrified that you know this, yet also fascinated. Tell us more.
You only get half of his share. I want the other half.
This had to do with Scottish Independence, right?
Thanks for the order, Danys. The syrah will pair nicely with bacon. It’s our favorite with BLTs on freshly baked buns. The Sparkling Syrah is a whole party in a bottle! We hope to have it back in stock in late November. Meantime, enjoy the Blanc de Blanc.
KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!
SPRINKLE HIS COFFEE WITH BACON-CHOCOLATE!
Interestingly, Britain gets a huge amount of its bacon from Norway.
I don’t like coffee.
That’s cool. It’s more a Pac-NW thing any more. If you’re in Oregon, however, you’ll get strange looks. That’s about it.
You people make me so angry I could strangle a manatee in the nude.
I assume that’s a naked manatee you’re talking about. ‘Cause if you dressed it up before strangling it, that would just be weird.
Photos or it didn’t happen.
Oh man, that’s just going too far .. damn near communistic ..
Tocino es maravilloso. El que no se nombra es un cerdo, por tanto, que no le gusta el tocino.
Diez Centavos
So when does AShCon=PIT.XX?
When you cross 100 comments and most of which have little or nothing to do with the initial topic?
Just want to know the rules before I commit…..
When we cross the RubiCON.
Is that on Rubi Tuesday?