Tag: satire

Bob the Dog Returns to Ricochet Sans Master


Master left Ricochet awhile back because he had nothing more to say.  (Sadly, if truth be known, Master ran out of things to say long before he stopped posting.)

In fact—and I say this with all humility —the most discerning among you hoomans on Ricochet insisted that my photos in Master’s feeble posts was the only reason that they read his posts in the first place.  Mrs. She was the most eager to remind the Master that my face, woof woof, was worth any number of flaccid words by the Master, a hooman of limited understanding. 

WH Mystery Coke Is Headed for the ‘Center’


The “investigation” complete, the mystery White House cocaine baggy can now be transferred to the Washington Information Center.  Like much else our government does, the name of the center is deliberately misleading.  It exists to hide information, not share it.

Some handy FAQs:

Inaccurate Championship Souvenir Network Activated for Surplus Bud Light


PHILADELPHIA, Pa. — The Inaccurate Championship Souvenir Network (ICSN), a Philadelphia-based international organization dedicated to distributing T-shirts, baseball caps, and other memorabilia prepared for teams who lose championship games to impoverished people around the world, has been activated to distribute vast quantities of Bud Light that have gone unsold at the nation’s bars, grocery stores, and beer distributors, sources confirmed over the weekend. The move comes after experts in international relations approved it, reasoning that global tensions might decrease if those involved became “pleasantly toasted.”

The beer surplus, a result of the backlash against the brand’s partnership with professional oddball Dylan Mulvaney, received a mixed reception. One older man, wearing a T-shirt made to commemorate France’s victory in the 2022 World Cup, exclaimed upon tasting Bud Light, “What kind of [expletive] is this? They have not made beer; they have only ruined water.”

Breaking: Anheuser-Busch Buys Fox News, Mulvaney to Replace Tucker


In a stunning move, embattled corporate giant Anheuser-Busch has announced plans to buy the Fox News Division.  Critics likened the move to one giant sinking ship lashing itself to another, while others see it as a bold initiative.  Even more shocking was the statement that trans activist and influencer Dylan Mulvaney would replace Tucker Carlson as the first “person of trans” to anchor a major prime-time news show.  PMSNBC’s Rachel Madcow pointed out that she is close enough to be considered trans, and therefore the title of “first” belongs to her.  Regardless, other networks are hailing Anheuser-Busch for their shrewd marketing strategy.

Sponsors such as Nike, KitchenAid, and Kate Spade are already lining up for advertising.  Even Taco Bell is joining in, promising to introduce a new menu item called the Mulvaney Taco.  While it comes wrapped as a taco, removing the cover reveals an all-beef frank.

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This week, the music industry is mourning Paul Blume, the behind-the-scenes friend of some of the biggest names in the business, who passed away Monday at the age of 102. NPR sat down with several of these famous musicians, in separate interviews, to hear their memories of their late friend. Below are excerpts transcribed from […]

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Quote of the Day: Satire


“The trouble about writing satire is that the real world always anticipates you, and what were meant for exaggeration turn out to be nothing of the sort.” — C.S. Lewis, 1945

Ten years ago, I would joke that, come the revolution, I would identify as a lesbian woman. It was a joke intended to get a rise out of my dad who was an ardent Democrat. He always defended whatever their latest crazy position was, even if he hated it. In the early teens that boundary was transgenderism — that you could “become” someone of the opposite sex (as opposed to being attracted to the same sex) simply by wishing it so. I insisted that while someone could be attracted to the same sex, that did not make you the opposite sex, any more than my claiming I was a Napoleonic grenadier could make me a Napoleonic grenadier. But it was the latest Democrat “thing” so Dad had to support it.

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I asked ChatGPT the following: “Please describe the withdrawal of the United States from Afghanistan in the most favorable light for the Biden Administration.  The result doesn’t actually need to be true, but there will be bonus points for each time previous administrations or US allies are blamed.” Preview Open

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Deplorables ‘Bragged’ in Manhattan


I phoned famed lexicographer Josh N. Earnest yesterday to congratulate him on his new electrifying read, “VERBING: The Trans-Noun Awakening In America.”

Josh and I began our unlikely friendship at an ayahuasca clinic in Costa Rica in 2019. In between vomiting sessions, he explained why he’s so excited that Americans have realized the merit of converting proper nouns into verbs.

Too Crazy to Fix


My long-time attorney and friend E. Hobart Calhoun called me from his luxury suite in the Urgent Care Lobotomy Unit of the Asylum for the Politically Insane near Bonkers, NY.

“Yo,” I said to E. “How’s it hanging?”

Wreck of U-Boat Found Near New Orleans


There’s exciting news for all you World War II buffs — a U-boat was recently discovered in Lake Ponchartrain near New Orleans. Local lore has long told of a Nazi submarine in the lake, and there are vague references to it in Kriegsmarine archives. But it’s never been proven — until now. The local paper, The Statesman-Picaroon, has the story; but it’s behind a paywall. I can’t link to it, so here’s a synopsis.

Early in 1942, Admiral Donitz, commander of the U-Boat arm of the Kriegsmarine, authorized unrestricted submarine warfare off the east coast and in the Gulf of Mexico.  One piece of the Gulf operations was a secret mission to cripple the vital oyster industry around New Orleans. The idea was to interrupt the US supply of oysters (a well-known aphrodisiac), thus driving down birth rates and leaving the US with insufficient manpower to fight a protracted war.

DOJ Reveals Revisions to Bill of Rights


Today in Washington Biden to choose Merrick Garland as Attorney General: reports - JURIST - NewsDC, the Department of Justice announced a revised Bill of Rights.  In a TikTok statement revealing the new text of the first ten Amendments to the US Constitution, US Attorney General, Merrick B. Garland, said,  “The new text will bring into alignment the word of law with the practice of law by this Justice Department.  This will clear up any confusion that citizens have about their rights around here.” General Garland gestured quotes, when saying the word “rights.”

President Biden commented with a charming grin, “That guy over there is building back better the … you know…the thing.  On the ice cream scale, I give it three scoops!”

Feinstein Informed She Won’t Seek Reelection


 height=Five-term Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) was recently informed by officials that she will not seek a sixth term. According to an anonymous source familiar with the matter, when apprised of her intentions, the former chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee was eating an entrée of rice pudding prepared by her longtime personal chef and Chinese spy Li Wang.

According to reports, Feinstein did not take their decision for her to retire well, insisting that she had too much work left to do implementing the New Deal and helping farmers survive the Dust Bowl.

Feinstein, who turns 90 if she lives through the summer, has long been deemed too old to serve even by her fellow Democrats, the party which comprises the nine longest-tenured members of Congress in American history.

Cree, Sioux Nations Acknowledge Building Casinos On Each Other’s Ancient Homelands


In an unprecedented development, two Native American tribes have issued public acknowledgments recognizing the other’s original stewardship of the land upon which their respective gaming establishments are built.

Sioux Nation’s popular Slot Land has transformed Cree’s ancient hunting grounds into a popular gaming destination for locals and tourists alike. Similarly, Cree Nation’s Gaming Palace is built on the Sioux’s holiest burial site.

Sioux Nation’s land acknowledgment expresses sorrow for building North America’s largest Let-It-Ride tournament where Cree civilization thrived for more than a thousand years before the birth of George Washington. For its part, Cree Nation’s land acknowledgment specifically expresses regret for hosting the incredibly profitable World Series of Poker directly above the grave of the Sioux’s most revered chief, Sitting Bull.

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With Canada’s embrace of Medical Assistance In Dying, I was thinking that we could get into a similar industry.  Since so much of Ricochet is fully on the despair train, we could move into the role of eliminating hope entirely.   We could change Ricochet’s marketing to focus on our promotion of the ideal that conservatism […]

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RICOCHET EXCLUSIVE: The FBI has reportedly turned over a note found in Melania’s Trump’s closet to federal prosecutors and attorneys for the House January 6 Special Committee.  It is believed to be from Vladimir Putin to Donald Trump authorizing the Jan 6 insurrection.  Details have yet to emerge.

Attorney General Garland said that because there is an ongoing investigation, only the New York Times and Washington Post can receive any additional information.

Final Dobbs Draft Also Overturns New Deal


A leaked version of what appears to be the final draft of the Supreme Court’s ruling in Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health goes further than the original draft leaked on May 2. In addition to striking down the Roe precedent, the court also abrogated the New Deal signed into law by President Franklin D. Roosevelt. 

The court’s final ruling vis-à-vis Roe remains identical to the first draft ruling, with the exception of a single corrected misspelling. 

The majority ruling surprised many court watchers by even addressing the New Deal, let alone striking it down in its entirety. “This court has been living a lie for nearly a century” the Alito-authored final draft begins. The opinion goes on to say that the Supreme Court will “no longer uphold blatantly unconstitutional laws simply because of cheap threats of court-packing from the Executive.” The ruling also added that any president or Congress that attempts to follow through on such threats can “suck it.”

Zoom Panel Featuring Clinton, Toobin, and Weiner Goes About as Well as Expected


A highly-touted online panel purportedly addressing criminal justice featuring Bill Clinton, Jeffrey Toobin, and Anthony Weiner went about as well as could be expected on Thursday as all three men ended up in varying degrees of undress.

Approximately twenty minutes into the conference, Mr. Weiner seemed to lose interest when Mr. Clinton was discussing the merits of a carbon tax. Shortly thereafter the former representative for New York’s 9th district proceeded to remove his shirt in order to send a selfie to an individual he addressed as “AngelsSlut22@Yahoo.”

A short time later Mr. Clinton was asked about green energy subsidies. The former president responded by sipping from a rail drink, loosening his tie, and calling upon Mr. Weiner to “Send me her pic” – an apparent reference to Ms. AngelSlut. Mr. Weiner ignored the request, however, stating that he is to be addressed as “Carlos Danger.”