Tag: satire

Final Dobbs Draft Also Overturns New Deal

 

A leaked version of what appears to be the final draft of the Supreme Court’s ruling in Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health goes further than the original draft leaked on May 2. In addition to striking down the Roe precedent, the court also abrogated the New Deal signed into law by President Franklin D. Roosevelt. 

The court’s final ruling vis-à-vis Roe remains identical to the first draft ruling, with the exception of a single corrected misspelling. 

The majority ruling surprised many court watchers by even addressing the New Deal, let alone striking it down in its entirety. “This court has been living a lie for nearly a century” the Alito-authored final draft begins. The opinion goes on to say that the Supreme Court will “no longer uphold blatantly unconstitutional laws simply because of cheap threats of court-packing from the Executive.” The ruling also added that any president or Congress that attempts to follow through on such threats can “suck it.”

Zoom Panel Featuring Clinton, Toobin, and Weiner Goes About as Well as Expected

 

A highly-touted online panel purportedly addressing criminal justice featuring Bill Clinton, Jeffrey Toobin, and Anthony Weiner went about as well as could be expected on Thursday as all three men ended up in varying degrees of undress.

Approximately twenty minutes into the conference, Mr. Weiner seemed to lose interest when Mr. Clinton was discussing the merits of a carbon tax. Shortly thereafter the former representative for New York’s 9th district proceeded to remove his shirt in order to send a selfie to an individual he addressed as “AngelsSlut22@Yahoo.”

A short time later Mr. Clinton was asked about green energy subsidies. The former president responded by sipping from a rail drink, loosening his tie, and calling upon Mr. Weiner to “Send me her pic” – an apparent reference to Ms. AngelSlut. Mr. Weiner ignored the request, however, stating that he is to be addressed as “Carlos Danger.”

A Fortune Can be Made!

 

I am new to the publishing scene, and I have a blockbuster idea that can make millions for those investors who like challenges and creative opportunities. My name is Dumma Zarock, and I invite you to join me on this journey of establishing genres that go beyond the usual, mundane definitions. More will be publicized later, but let me introduce you to this exciting new venture!

These newly defined genres appear under familiar titles, but pack a punch for the reader who has difficulty following the politics of the time, but wants to be well-informed. Here in a nutshell are our plans going forward:

Science Fiction: We are bombarded with the science from the Biden Administration. They rely on “experts” and agencies who obfuscate to keep us informed about the latest nuances of the COVID virus, such as wearing a mask, not wearing a mask, wearing masks indoors, wearing masks outdoors, not wearing masks indoors, not wearing masks outdoors, wearing masks as the latest fashion statement, wearing masks in the shower. You get the idea. The stories will project into the future that we will conquer this disease by admitting that it will be endemic. It will become the greatest science fiction tale of all time!

Study: Plexiglass Barriers Successful at Trapping Virus Near Heads of Workers

 

A peer-reviewed study has concluded that the plexiglass barriers surrounding customer-facing retail workers successfully traps the COVID virus on, around and near their heads. The’s study’s summary report states “No doubt about it – the virus really gets up in your grill when there’s no proper airflow.”

According to the report, by encouraging the air surrounding employees to “you know, hang around,” the plastic barriers contribute an ideal transmission environment for the deadly COVID virus.

The study’s conclusion even went so far as to say that by removing the barriers to encourage better airflow, restaurants might then be able to safely seat more customers inside their doors during the winter months instead of “forcing them to live like animals by having dinner on a Chicago sidewalk. In February.”

Member Post

 

Recently, a scholarly article in a legal journal caught my attention. The article’s author, a prominent globalist, hypothesized that all mandates having a scientific premise were universally applicable. With great clarity, he pointed out how the vaccine mandates would apply even to the grays with whom he has had close encounters over the years.  “Being […]

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San Francisco Cracks Down On Maskless Shoplifting

 

In an effort to follow through on her promised transition from defunding to refunding the police, San Francisco Mayor London Breed announced that the city would take a zero-tolerance approach to maskless shoplifting, promising stiffer sentences for those who fail to properly mask up when relieving stores of hundreds of dollars in merchandise the proceeds from which are then fenced and laundered before you’re back from lunch.

“Additionally,” added the mayor, “proper masking makes it more difficult for us to identify you, if you know what I mean,” winking a press cameras.

The mayor also warned prospective maskless shoplifters that social distancing guidelines must also be adhered to, warning that failure to “keep distance” may result in a limit on the number of shoplifters permitted to gather at one place.

I Was Assaulted by Bipartisan Operatives Because of My Conservative Politics

 

In the very early hours yesterday morning, I was walking through a residential area of Casper, WY, in search of a discarded Bernie Sanders yard sign. From out of nowhere I was tackled from behind by two men in fleece vests and pastel polo shirts with extra starch. They knocked me to the ground shouting “An independent voice for Utah!” The phrase carried no meaning for me at the time but I’ve subsequently learned that it’s the slogan of Evan McMullin’s campaign for the US Senate.

I believe the attack was motivated by my outspoken support for Utah Senator Mike Lee.

Startled and with the wind knocked out of me, I observed that the two men quickly became winded themselves as they lamely attempted to strike me with Lincoln Project fly swatters ($10). Needless to say, as a conservative I take my physical fitness very seriously and easily overcame the two paunchy attackers by removing their loafers and beating them repeatedly about the face as they shouted “Save the USPS!” and “Stop! I’m David Frum!”

CDC: Healthy Lifestyle No Substitute For Booster Shot

 

CDC director Rochelle Wallensky announced today that when it comes to reducing the threat from COVID-19, exercise, a well-rounded diet rich in nutrients and a generally healthy lifestyle are no substitutes for receiving a vaccine booster every seven months.

“So by all means avoid direct sunlight, runny eggs and more than one alcoholic beverage per day” said the CDC director, “but the main thing is to get that BioNTech in your arm like it’s going out of style.”

Wallensky backed up her claim by citing the nation’s chief immunologist Dr. Anthony Fauci who, in turn, cited the same CDC press release issued by Wallensky. Wallensky further elaborated that “The science has spoken – directly to Dr. Fauci” as the latter stood behind her waving his doctorate.

Juror Admits Smollett’s Obvious Guilt Played Decisive Role In Verdict

 

A juror in the Jussie Smollett trial acknowledged to a Chicago news reporter Monday that deliberations never centered on Smollett’s race, sexual orientation, politics, or celebrity status. Instead, she said, what ultimately convinced the jury to convict was Smollett’s obvious guilt.

“Deliberations took nine hours because Starbucks screwed up the foreman’s order,” she said, adding “It’s obvious except to the most blinkered partisans that Smollett was guilty of perpetuating a hoax which caused the city to redirect well over $100,000 in taxpayer funds to investigate a fake crime even as record-setting actual crimes ravage the city, especially in minority communities.”

Since his conviction, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has nominated Smollett for Best Performance On The Witness Stand by a Gay Man of Color. Additionally, the Chicago chapter of Black Lives Matter has awarded Smollett a lifetime achievement award for his work on behalf of black immigrants from Africa.

Member Post

 

Direct from the laundry room in an undisclosed location somewhere in Ohio, we’re joined by Joel Berry, the Managing Editor of The Babylon Bee. We have a serious discussion of a serious topic – being funny – with a man who knows a thing or two about humorous  writing, our own James Lileks. We go […]

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Member Post

 

Have I got an infrastructure project for you! Let’s shift the Earth’s axis of rotation. Yes, you heard me right: let’s move the poles! The present locations of the north and south poles are sub-optimal. Too much real estate is locked away in the freezers of Siberia, Canada, and Antarctica. We should move the poles […]

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Member Post

 

I have seen some posts on this venerable forum over the past year denying that systemic racism is real.  Well, I know for a fact that those who deny systemic racism are mistaken.  Systemic racism is indeed real, and here’s the proof: How else can you explain the decision of the Chicago Bears to trade-up […]

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Member Post

 

See that painting to the right. A few years back it sold for a little over $110 million. Yes, that childishly blotched and scribbled head, which probably took the painter a couple of hours to create, sold for what it would take a Safeway checker about a hundred lifetimes to earn. The artist was a […]

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Quote of the Day: Nettling the Humorless and Pricking the Pompous

 

“What is satire if not a marriage of civil disobedience to a laugh track, a potent brew … that acts as a nettle sting on the thin skin of the humorless.” — Mona Eltahawy

Satire is a nettle sting on the thin skin of the humorless. I like the sound of that. I like it so much that I think that we on the Right ought to adopt that as our slogan for the next four years.

So Ricochetti, if your talent runs toward satire, the mating of criticism and wit, your time has come. Fortunately, the Democratic establishment for the next four years will be target rich with humorless scolds just ripe for satire. Think of just the more visible members of the Democratic establishment: Nadler, Schiff, Pelosi, Schumer, Maxine Waters, AOC, Omar, et al. Has there ever been a gallery more crowded with flawed humans outside of Rikers Island?

Member Post

 

1) 2019 rule still carries: MAGA hats worn sideways or backwards. Headbands are OK. Penalty: No apple pie. 2) Tomahawk Chop Rule Update: Any performance of Tomahawk Chop for more than 3 Mississippi’s, regardless if in reference to Indians and/or Washington R**s***s football team. Penalty: Deduct any corn dish from your plate, except Corn-Lima bean […]

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If I Were King of the Internet, I Would Mandate the Percontation Point⸮

 

Satire. Irony. Sarcasm. The written word seldom conveys these things well enough to tell them from someone’s making a serious statement or proposal. (This has even been codified and is now known as Poe’s Law.) Distinguishing serious from ironic is a very old problem, and one that was solved in about 1580. It was in that decade that Henry Denham, an English printer, came up with a solution. His idea was to have a new mark of punctuation that would distinguish when someone was not serious. That mark was the percontation point, and it looked like this: ⸮.

Thus, were I the King of the Internet, you would be mandated to use the percontation point⸮ It would probably be the only punctuation available to such publications as The Onion or The Babylon Bee. And maybe some mistakes would no longer be made: