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Men and the Phases of a Woman — DC McAllister
Women. In the words of Forrest Gump, they’re like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get until you take a bite.
You men know exactly what I’m talking about. One day, she can’t keep her hands off of you. You come home from work and she’s smothering you with kisses, ripping your clothes off like a wild animal before you can even catch a breath. The next day, you come home, looking the same, acting the same, and you’re met with eyes blazing, nose flaring, and a barrage of complaints about how everything is your fault.
Okay, it might not be that extreme, but you get the picture. Passion. Depression. Anger. Insecurity. Joy. When it comes to women (most women, anyway), the moods change like the weather. This is not just a personality thing—though there are some personalities that manage these changes better than others—it is a gender thing.
Of course, this is a reality many feminists don’t want to talk about. If you do—especially if you’re a man—you’ll be pilloried. Women are no different from men, don’t you know? No different—except for our genitalia. Otherwise, we’re identical. All that moody stuff, all the ways that women change from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde with the cycles of the moon, just ignore that. It isn’t real. Just move along, nothing to see here.
But there is something to see here—and something that needs to be understood and honestly admitted. Premenopausal women (generally speaking) are affected by hormones and brain chemistry in ways men aren’t. Their moods shift; for some women, it’s subtle. For others, it’s dramatic.
Men are (again, generally speaking) much more emotionally constant. They’re the strong and steady ship that sails on the deep and beautiful ocean that is a woman. Like the sea, a woman changes with the cycles of the moon, and a man needs to be prepared as he rides the shifting currents.
Such a thing isn’t easy, and many men, I suspect, don’t even fully understand that this is happening. When a once-gentle woman transforms into a shrieking harpy, he immediately assumes it must be his fault. Or worse, he thinks she’s crazy, bipolar, selfish, or disturbed. The woman, of course, perpetuates this myth by not understanding herself and assuming it’s the man’s fault. He’s insensitive, self-centered, and unhelpful. If he would just do whatever it is she wants him to do in that moment, she would be happy again.
But it isn’t his fault. And she isn’t crazy. It’s nature. The same is true for those lustful phases. Sorry, gentlemen, but when a woman gets all hot and bothered and is sending you flirtatious texts with promises of sensual delights when you get home, it’s not just because you’re so sexy and desirable (even though you are). It’s because of her chemistry, the phase of the moon, and the fact that she feels good about herself. That doesn’t make her selfish. That makes her a woman.
When a man can understand, accept, and embrace the shifting phases of a woman, he will be better able to love her. But he can’t do it alone. A woman needs to understand it too. She can’t deny her true nature. She can’t fall for the nonsense that she’s just a curvy version of a man. She can’t assume that if she’s feeling angry or depressed or insecure then it must be his fault. If she does make this assumption and refuses to accept herself for what she is and learn to manage it, to control it, she’ll push him away as he grows weary of her abuse.
Peace in relationships will be easier to attain when men and women see themselves and each other in the light of nature. A woman can then become more aware of her own cycles and prepare herself mentally to deal with them, reminding herself as best she can that these hostile feelings are not caused by other people but by her hormones. She can then take steps to redirect her feelings in more healthy ways instead of lashing out at every little thing that irritates her.
A man can become more prepared as he sees past the phases and the chemistry, and remembers that the woman he loves is still there; she just has to work through this time. The best thing he can do is figure out a way to help her. Sometimes that means getting out of the house for a while. Sometimes that means just holding her—even as she lashes out. A man who can do that, who loves like that, is a man of strength. But he won’t be able to do it if he doesn’t understand first what is actually happening.
Published in General
Is a teenaged daughter still “his” woman in any meaningful way?
;-)
In summary,
Huh. I don’t get tired of the same roller-coaster if it’s a good one. Not even if I ride it 5 times in row. I don’t visit amusement parks often, though, so when I do go, I want to get in all the roller-coastering I can. The visceral thrill is amusing enough for me, even when it’s no longer a surprise. Perhaps I’m simply a woman of low pleasures.
Methinks that most GQ readers have little interest in strategies for long-term success with a woman.
It’s be like expecting Cosmopolitan magazine to print an article about bringing your husband his slippers and a martini after a hard day at work.
Yeah, but who’s interested in some woman’s opinion?!
Wakka wakka wakka!
Most men are too lazy to bother. But for those of us who play the long game, it is the very best kind of investment.
No. I was referring to my wife.
My daughter is a loving, independent part-time hellion. She is the immature version of my wife. She loves nothing better than baking fattening foods and force-feeding everyone she meets. She is going to make someone into a stunningly fat husband. And unless he is a VERY strong Alpha Male (at least as Alpha as I am), he is going to be profoundly whipped.
Mother and Daughter have much in common. But I can do something about the mother. And I chose her, with my eyes open. Even as I type this, she is whirling around the house, making me tired just watching her work.
Many thanks to both you and DCM for your astute observations. My two closest girlfriends (of many years) of Italian-American descent would just as soon have their hands cut off than be restrained from waving them in the airspace during a conversation.
For those who think only men get out of control over sports, I just want to say that I’m at a sports bar right now watching the UConn and Michigan State game, and there’s a table of all-women Michigan State fans going absolutely nuts. Talk about shrieking harpies!
Obama’s pick just lost. ha! :)
I’m avoiding MM to a certain extent; am attending the Red Wings game next week at The Joe so must save my voice. :)
Mark, Mark. You made me laugh out loud in the Stanford library on a Sunday afternoon. If that isn’t a breach of the Ricochet code of conduct, it ought to be.
Aaron M., your illustration is humorous but not a bad analogy.
Regarding the monthly cycles, D.C.’s comment about imprecision in predictability was understated. I am convinced that any woman will experience changes to her cycle every three to six years that she will not understand and will take months to get used to. The changes will vary the intensity or duration of various phases of her cycle. This is in addition to all the other parameters that affect her overall health and levels of stress.
With all that going on with her body, women are amazing at how well they cope in general.
And, my remark regarding even a slight thyroid problem that can go undiagnosed for years because symptoms are attributed to monthly cycles, can apply equally to males with a variety of conditions. I have a nephew who had a pretty bad problem with Asperger’s Syndrome. Finally in his mid 20s he was diagnosed with a mid-level thyroid ailment. With his thyroid under control, he is feeling much better and is finding that he is not nearly so far out the Aspergers spectrum as previously thought.
All those buttons sure are fun, aren’t they. ;)
As we said in the navy: don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
But seriously, my wife once asked if she could buy some Midol for the teenaged daughter. Apparently the appropriate response was not “PLEASE!”
I’ll be here all week, unless they put me back under the courthouse. Tip your waiter. Tip your waitress more.
Can I tip my glass?
Denise, Part of the reason I love your posts is that when you lob a grenade you don’t run and hide. After throwing this out there, your f/u remarks keeps things lively. I grew up w/ 5 older sisters. I was being sent into the store to buy Kotex and Playtex before I knew what they were for. (I was paid $.25 each time I did. Big money in the late 60’s.) My wife is very grateful to my sisters that it never phased me to go buy her feminine hygiene products. Thanks to my sisters, I also knew from an early age that females had emotional cycles. I am blessed that my wife was never a mountain top high and Grand Canyon low kind of woman. But I never thought, or maybe I should say I never witnessed, these cycles as a debilitating problem for the women close to me. So it has never occurred to me that a woman couldn’t professionally or socially function as a result of her menstrual cycle. As a result, my daughters are cut some slack by me during “that time”, but not much. I used to say that my oldest daughter had reverse PMS. Three weeks of every four she was grumpy and crabby. Her fourth week she was sweet and kind. Anyhow, not much insight here. Just a note that men and women both need to realize that a woman’s cycle is neither an excuse for precluding women from professional lives, nor is it a license to be as mean as you please w/o consequences. It is simply a fact of life to be dealt with.
Don’t know about everyone else, but I am definitely the emotionally stable one in the Lu household. And that’s how it needs to be, because when Daddy ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. (I’ve also made it through three pregnancies without relinquishing my status as the calm one. Hopefully menopause won’t be more intense than that? Don’t know.)