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Men and the Phases of a Woman — DC McAllister
Women. In the words of Forrest Gump, they’re like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get until you take a bite.
You men know exactly what I’m talking about. One day, she can’t keep her hands off of you. You come home from work and she’s smothering you with kisses, ripping your clothes off like a wild animal before you can even catch a breath. The next day, you come home, looking the same, acting the same, and you’re met with eyes blazing, nose flaring, and a barrage of complaints about how everything is your fault.
Okay, it might not be that extreme, but you get the picture. Passion. Depression. Anger. Insecurity. Joy. When it comes to women (most women, anyway), the moods change like the weather. This is not just a personality thing—though there are some personalities that manage these changes better than others—it is a gender thing.
Of course, this is a reality many feminists don’t want to talk about. If you do—especially if you’re a man—you’ll be pilloried. Women are no different from men, don’t you know? No different—except for our genitalia. Otherwise, we’re identical. All that moody stuff, all the ways that women change from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde with the cycles of the moon, just ignore that. It isn’t real. Just move along, nothing to see here.
But there is something to see here—and something that needs to be understood and honestly admitted. Premenopausal women (generally speaking) are affected by hormones and brain chemistry in ways men aren’t. Their moods shift; for some women, it’s subtle. For others, it’s dramatic.
Men are (again, generally speaking) much more emotionally constant. They’re the strong and steady ship that sails on the deep and beautiful ocean that is a woman. Like the sea, a woman changes with the cycles of the moon, and a man needs to be prepared as he rides the shifting currents.
Such a thing isn’t easy, and many men, I suspect, don’t even fully understand that this is happening. When a once-gentle woman transforms into a shrieking harpy, he immediately assumes it must be his fault. Or worse, he thinks she’s crazy, bipolar, selfish, or disturbed. The woman, of course, perpetuates this myth by not understanding herself and assuming it’s the man’s fault. He’s insensitive, self-centered, and unhelpful. If he would just do whatever it is she wants him to do in that moment, she would be happy again.
But it isn’t his fault. And she isn’t crazy. It’s nature. The same is true for those lustful phases. Sorry, gentlemen, but when a woman gets all hot and bothered and is sending you flirtatious texts with promises of sensual delights when you get home, it’s not just because you’re so sexy and desirable (even though you are). It’s because of her chemistry, the phase of the moon, and the fact that she feels good about herself. That doesn’t make her selfish. That makes her a woman.
When a man can understand, accept, and embrace the shifting phases of a woman, he will be better able to love her. But he can’t do it alone. A woman needs to understand it too. She can’t deny her true nature. She can’t fall for the nonsense that she’s just a curvy version of a man. She can’t assume that if she’s feeling angry or depressed or insecure then it must be his fault. If she does make this assumption and refuses to accept herself for what she is and learn to manage it, to control it, she’ll push him away as he grows weary of her abuse.
Peace in relationships will be easier to attain when men and women see themselves and each other in the light of nature. A woman can then become more aware of her own cycles and prepare herself mentally to deal with them, reminding herself as best she can that these hostile feelings are not caused by other people but by her hormones. She can then take steps to redirect her feelings in more healthy ways instead of lashing out at every little thing that irritates her.
A man can become more prepared as he sees past the phases and the chemistry, and remembers that the woman he loves is still there; she just has to work through this time. The best thing he can do is figure out a way to help her. Sometimes that means getting out of the house for a while. Sometimes that means just holding her—even as she lashes out. A man who can do that, who loves like that, is a man of strength. But he won’t be able to do it if he doesn’t understand first what is actually happening.
Published in General
KC—good point, but the struggle I’m describing is part of being a woman, so it is tied to her gender in particular. In a sense, the ups and downs and shifts in cycles is “normal” (if you get what I mean). The dysphoria and anger that come with PMS and postpartum depression are the points everyone seems to be focusing on. But there are many fluctuations throughout the month for most women. Like I said, intense joy–is that “normal”? Intense sexual stimulation (I’m refraining from using the “H” word)—is that “normal”? Intense irritability–is that normal? The point I’m making, and its one you’re speaking to as well, is that it helps to understand these dynamics, these changes, and learn best–together—how to cope with them. I think it will help many a man to understand how a woman is so that he can love her best. I wish more men who have long marriages like yours would advise men honestly on how to navigate these waters—because they are difficult at times.
I do have to say this is excellent advice when it comes to a woman. On many different levels.
I appreciate my beloved’s strategy with me. Rather than blaming a euphemism (“monthlies”, “troubles”, “hormones”, etc), she’ll come right out and complain in very straight-forward language about specific symptoms like pain, or bloating, or anxiety, or fatigue, etc.
1) I appreciate that she thinks I’m adult enough to hear about “icky” topics. (My comic book collection and penchant for cute cat videos might indicate otherwise. ;-)
2) Physical symptoms are tangible things which my practical male brain can comprehend much more easily than vague euphemisms and abstract “feelings”.
Unaccustomed as I am to praising the views of Sheryl Crow the temptation is irresistible to point out that her song Strong Enough is directly pertinent to the thrust of DC’s original post and in sympathy with it (as I am).
Instead, the people in my office are sympathetic with the “is everything ok” yammer (which just ends up irritating me more).
Also, I tend to be more productive when I’m crabby. It usually means I’m concentrating really hard on a project and distractions would be “unwelcome”.
If I’m in a cheerful mood, it usually means I’m procrastinating and have very little interest in getting any actual work done.
So, in other words, when I’m feeling crabby it’s the other people in the office who have to “cope”, not me.
This post reminded me of a bumper sticker I once saw. It read:
I’ve got PMS and a gun—Any questions?
The phrase “This post” in Post 67 was supposed to be a quotation of Post 41 by Percival.
Apropos of nothing, but there’s a theory that the majority of “breast-staring” has nothing whatsoever to do with sexuality or male dominance.
Rather, in many cases, it’s an unfortunate side-effect of a male unconsciously attempting to appear submissive to a female he considers superior.
Like many (most?) other animals, the reflex when trying to appear subordinate to a more dominant animal is to avoid eye-contact, usually by looking down.
In most animals, this means looking at the ground. Unfortunately for the male human, when the dominant animal is a human female standing face-to-face, this results in the impression that he’s looking at her breasts, which is actually very rarely the case.
His eyes are actually pointing at the chin or neck, but he isn’t actually “looking” at anything, which is why he’ll likely clam he didn’t even realize he was doing it if confronted about it.
Direct eye-contact, rather than being a sign of “respect”, is actually the instinctive action for trying to intimidate another person. It takes practice to get over this instinct.
Why should this advice apply only to women?
It was a joke. My instinct is always to include a wink with a sarcastic remark, but I suppress it sometimes for the people who hate smileys. Sorry.
Yes, I’m single. And I’m an Aspie with horrible body language awareness. It didn’t occur to me when I posed the question, but now that I think about it… I don’t think I’ve ever in my life been aware that a woman was in her period. So yeah, someone that sexually dense probably shouldn’t wade into discussions like this.
Carry on.
Every man has been here. Denise, what phase is this?
Aaron–it’s ok. ET just misunderstood. I got that you were joking. And you don’t have to be married to talk about this issue. Men and women deal with one another on a variety of contexts. Your question about how to deal with this was great.
Job-locked—that is perfect. I showed my husband and he just cracked up (too much). I asked him if that kinda hits the nail on the head (pun!) and he said, “well, I don’t want to say. Maybe….” :)
I think we now have the luxury of only having those better suited to marriage and children live the family lifestyle. With technology and an advanced market economy, there isn’t a necessity for family for people who don’t have the desire or the virtues for family life. We can know this in advance about ourselves by examining our personality and character flaws.
It seems at times to be therapeutic for her to report her litany of woe. Actually solving a problem can be counterproductive.
It is well known that women who live together develop synchronous cycles. That being the case, when a married lesbian couple in Oregon are both suffering from PMS, how do you who is wrong and to blame? I am happy to be free of the curse having entered the post menopausal paradise phase of my marriage.
Hey, Manfred…one of the sexiest things I’ve ever seen my husband do is vacuum the living room…or wash the dishes. When I come home from work and he’s cleaning—-whoooo boy!!
Cowgirl – I have a lovely little book called “Porn for Women” that shows nice looking men doing just that. Then there’s the page where the guy with hazel eyes that you could just fall into is captioned saying: “that’s really interesting. Tell me more about it.”
DocJay – bullseye! Honorable mention to Percival as well.
And fellas, that “all over you” time may well be linked to her peak fertility – her body’s telling her mind to accomplish the biological mission.
Husbands and wives can of course be very blunt with each other about these things, and I, too, find those euphemisms quite icky, especially in general conversation. But if PMS is giving you a headache and you say you have a headache, or if it’s giving you abdominal trouble and you say you have an upset stomach, you’re not really engaging in euphemism, are you?
I mean, technically, you have an upset uterus, not an upset stomach. But we already use the phrase “upset stomach” colloquially to describe upset intestines as well, so why not include the uterus, too?
Misthio, you had both Mr Rattler and me in stitches over this one.
It’s when men act like women that relationships are in trouble.
Keep in mind since the 60’s, boys don’t necessarily have good role models. Changing demographics doesn’t help with that. It’s pretty common I think for men to take longer to grow up, think mid to late twenties. And then there are some men who never grow up. But the ones who do grow up understand what real women are like, and they don’t fret the little stuff.
Yo, cowgirl! My wife picked out this great vacuum cleaner, but for some reason, I’m the only one that uses it. But it ain’t no riding vacuum cleaner! Anyway, I didn’t think vacuum cleaning ranked on the list of manly stuff that gets woman’s attention, if you remember that article. Still, even well designed ones can be heavy to lug around, especially around stairs. But to tell the truth, I do like carpets when they’re clean. Maybe that makes me the Felix Unger in our pair (hope RB doesn’t read this).
Okay guys. Does this conversation seem familiar….
Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
How right you are. A year ago, I had this discussion with my niece (she brought it up, I only responded in an honest manner). Now neither she, nor my sister-in-law will speak to me. The worse thing is, my brother and I don’t talk anymore either. I know that he couldn’t care less about what I said, but he was raised to stand by his wife first, brother second. Sad.
This is very true. And there’s nothing more satisfying than to be loved by a real man. Just as, I’m sure, there is nothing more satisfying for a man than to be loved by a self-actualized woman.
You should email them my article. :) Seriously, though, that is sad and it just goes to show the pride that is at the root of feminism.