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Men and the Phases of a Woman — DC McAllister
Women. In the words of Forrest Gump, they’re like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get until you take a bite.
You men know exactly what I’m talking about. One day, she can’t keep her hands off of you. You come home from work and she’s smothering you with kisses, ripping your clothes off like a wild animal before you can even catch a breath. The next day, you come home, looking the same, acting the same, and you’re met with eyes blazing, nose flaring, and a barrage of complaints about how everything is your fault.
Okay, it might not be that extreme, but you get the picture. Passion. Depression. Anger. Insecurity. Joy. When it comes to women (most women, anyway), the moods change like the weather. This is not just a personality thing—though there are some personalities that manage these changes better than others—it is a gender thing.
Of course, this is a reality many feminists don’t want to talk about. If you do—especially if you’re a man—you’ll be pilloried. Women are no different from men, don’t you know? No different—except for our genitalia. Otherwise, we’re identical. All that moody stuff, all the ways that women change from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde with the cycles of the moon, just ignore that. It isn’t real. Just move along, nothing to see here.
But there is something to see here—and something that needs to be understood and honestly admitted. Premenopausal women (generally speaking) are affected by hormones and brain chemistry in ways men aren’t. Their moods shift; for some women, it’s subtle. For others, it’s dramatic.
Men are (again, generally speaking) much more emotionally constant. They’re the strong and steady ship that sails on the deep and beautiful ocean that is a woman. Like the sea, a woman changes with the cycles of the moon, and a man needs to be prepared as he rides the shifting currents.
Such a thing isn’t easy, and many men, I suspect, don’t even fully understand that this is happening. When a once-gentle woman transforms into a shrieking harpy, he immediately assumes it must be his fault. Or worse, he thinks she’s crazy, bipolar, selfish, or disturbed. The woman, of course, perpetuates this myth by not understanding herself and assuming it’s the man’s fault. He’s insensitive, self-centered, and unhelpful. If he would just do whatever it is she wants him to do in that moment, she would be happy again.
But it isn’t his fault. And she isn’t crazy. It’s nature. The same is true for those lustful phases. Sorry, gentlemen, but when a woman gets all hot and bothered and is sending you flirtatious texts with promises of sensual delights when you get home, it’s not just because you’re so sexy and desirable (even though you are). It’s because of her chemistry, the phase of the moon, and the fact that she feels good about herself. That doesn’t make her selfish. That makes her a woman.
When a man can understand, accept, and embrace the shifting phases of a woman, he will be better able to love her. But he can’t do it alone. A woman needs to understand it too. She can’t deny her true nature. She can’t fall for the nonsense that she’s just a curvy version of a man. She can’t assume that if she’s feeling angry or depressed or insecure then it must be his fault. If she does make this assumption and refuses to accept herself for what she is and learn to manage it, to control it, she’ll push him away as he grows weary of her abuse.
Peace in relationships will be easier to attain when men and women see themselves and each other in the light of nature. A woman can then become more aware of her own cycles and prepare herself mentally to deal with them, reminding herself as best she can that these hostile feelings are not caused by other people but by her hormones. She can then take steps to redirect her feelings in more healthy ways instead of lashing out at every little thing that irritates her.
A man can become more prepared as he sees past the phases and the chemistry, and remembers that the woman he loves is still there; she just has to work through this time. The best thing he can do is figure out a way to help her. Sometimes that means getting out of the house for a while. Sometimes that means just holding her—even as she lashes out. A man who can do that, who loves like that, is a man of strength. But he won’t be able to do it if he doesn’t understand first what is actually happening.
Published in General
Aaron, my husband grew up with a a father, a brother, and his mom–who didn’t talk about female stuff, of any kind. I grew up with a sister, mom and dad, and we gave family members about “hormonal stress” as we called it. When I was getting married, and realized my husband didn’t have a background of knowledge in this are, I used to put sad faces on the calendar for the few days it mattered. Absolved him of having to “read the signs” and reminded him that it was not the optimal time to bring up serious or contentious topics. So, there are work arounds, it’s not all on you! (PS smiley’s don’t offend me, and I also censor them here because I know others don’t like them : )
I have always thought the feminists couldn’t grasp the idea of pros/cons, and strengths/weaknesses. It is as if they admitted that there is one moment when they aren’t at optimal functioning, then men are superior. It’s all or nothing thinking that isn’t productive for conversations, but is productive for harsh judgments. They traded self-awareness and uniqueness for equality and wound up with bitterness.
Acknowledging differences and working with what you have it, from my perspective, the kind and gracious response. In the therapy world, there is a long standing joke that if you ask a man how he feels, he’ll response “I think….” My husband likes to joke “I’m just a man, I have two emotions, anger and hostility” This, despite the fact that I’m the one with the nasty temper. At any rate, men and women are different, and thanks, DC for putting it in such eloquent words!
Reminds me of a funny story…during WWII, Leo Marks, at the age of 22, became Codemaster for the secret British organization known as Special Operations Executive, responsible for the security of codes used to communicate with agents in occupied Europe. He had a staff of girls doing coding/decoding work, and he noted that sometimes, even the best girls would have a high error rate for a few days. He plotted the error rates on a day-by-day basis, and noted a strange 28-day cycle, which he brought to the attention of the female Brigadier who managed the girls. She said it probably has something to do with periods, realized that Marks had no idea what she was talking about, closed the door, and spent the next half hour telling him about some basic facts of life.
I guess my beloved must be infertile.
That comment was one the rare occasions when I was being serious!
If I’m still in the process of cleaning when my beloved comes over it feels like I’ve been caught with an unfinished task.
For those interested in the effects of hormones on thinking & behavior, I recommend The Hour Between Dog and Wolf, John Coates. The author is a trader turned neuroscience researcher, and he argues that mind is inherently embodier. He is particularly interested in how hormonal reactions can impact the financial markets, but the applicability of his ideas is clearly not limited to this sphere. He argues that a testosterone feedback loop tends to drive excessive risk-taking by men, to the point that “the trading community at the peak of a bubble or in the pit of a crash may effectively become a clinical population,” and cites a British politician who has also become a neurobiology researcher, to the effect that the same syndrome affects political leaders.
Misthio–you can always get DocJay to give you some of those nympho birth control pills that Midge talked about and slip them into her coffee. Of course those things can also transform a woman into a dark pool of swirling depression and anxiety so probably best to leave well enough alone.
(continuing previous comment) Concerning women in the financial world, Coates dismisses the common argument that the short supply of women in trading jobs is due to their distaste for the rowdy trading-floor environment, pointing out that there are plenty of women doing well in sales positions on those very same trading floors. He suggests that women may not be as good at, or as inclined to, very-short-cycle decision-making of the kind required of traders, but are equally good or perhaps better at longer-cycle risk-taking as is required of asset managers, and cites the much higher % of women among asset management companies than among traders. (He also argues that trading skill will be of diminishing importance as this function is increasingly performed in microseconds by algorithms.)
There’s something in this book to offend all sorts of people!
Both my grandfathers were killed in WWII, so my great-aunt took the helm as the president of the family company and (along with my grandmother) co-raised my dad and his brother.
As such, the idea that women couldn’t be corporate leaders is completely foreign to folk in my family. Of course, my great aunt also died childless, so we also got the lesson that everything in life is a trade-off.
In my immediate and near-extended family, I’m the only boy. Two older sisters, two close female cousins (also older), mother, aunt, grandmother, great-aunt.
Being the youngest of this clan, I grew up under a strong matriarchy. It has obviously shaped me significantly.
(When my sisters got married, I was all like, “finally some boys I can talk to!”)
Nah. a) She really hates the side-effects. b) If she took nympho pills then I’d have to take he-man pills. Fair is fair.
Is the carebear phase directly opposite the harpy phase in its monthly position?
Are there other phases? Or is the cycle simply feels-good/normal/feels-bad/normal?
lol. I love your honesty.
David Foster–interesting stuff. Thanks for the book recommendation. I’ll definitely check that one out!
Feminism is not a theory of human nature. It is a political ideology.
Any -ism is merely an indication of the practitioner’s primary goal and/or priority when confronted with a moral or political decision, at the expense of most (if not all) other considerations.
For example, when confronted by a moral or political decision:
– the nationalist’s first priority is, “which option will most benefit the nation?”
– the socialist’s first priority is, “which option will most benefit society?”
– the capitalist’s first priority is, “which option will provide the most return on capital investment?”
– the libertarian’s first priority is, “which option will increase liberty?”
– the anarchist’s first priority is, “which option will weaken government?”
Consequently, the feminist’s first priority is, “which option will most benefit women as a class?”
Ideology (or “-ism”) defines what words like “pro”, “con”, and “weakness” mean for the practitioner in the first place.
If it was about the search for truth, it would be an -ology, rather than an -ism. (-ology = study and -ism = practice)
All IMHO, of course.
It really does vary from woman to woman. (For those of you women reading this who are steady and constant—you are blessed and unusual! Those of us who wrestle with the lunar goddess, we envy you!)
I love your “carebear phase” descriptor, Aaron. The most steady phase is in the middle of the month for most, that’s when they’re more peaceful, happy. Then it spirals to depression and irritability, then sometimes anger (again this varies, and some women never deal with this). My daughters are awful the week before. When all four of them are going through the same cycle, their brothers hide.
Along with the anger stage and shortly afterward can come an extremely sensitive and insecure time (sometimes associated with guilt of how they behaved or at least how they felt about things during the angry time). Then, for some women, there’s the highly sexualized time. Fun times for all. Men often endure the prior cycle as they know this one is coming just around the corner.
See what I mean. A roller coaster!
Be careful what you wish for. The Care Bear family included folk like Grumpy Bear, Secret Bear, Oopsie Bear, Me Bear, Messy Bear, and Too Loud Bear.
Rollercoasters aren’t nearly that predictable.
Rollercoasters are designed so that the rider will be surprised by the twists, turns, peaks, and valleys.
What you describe is more akin to a racetrack. The driver studies the course for the first few laps so he can plan his optimal line through the turns and determine the best moments to hit the brakes and the best moments to hit the throttle.
If the phases are actually as predictable as you describe, there’s really little excuse for anyone to be unprepared for the next chicane and serpentine.
There is research suggesting that women’s preferences in men during the ovulation phase of their cycle differ from their preferences at other phases. Questions have been raised about the validity of these results; here is a recent meta-analysis concluding that the effect is real although not huge in magnitude.
Also, I’ve seen research suggesting that women are subliminally attracted to men whose immune systems are complementary to their own–I guess the evolutionary logic of this is that the kid get the best of both worlds–but that this effect is masked by birth control pills.
Oh, the agonies of one whose humorous understatement has been misinterpreted!
All I meant was that, if her doctor suggests prescribing your daughter a certain birth control pill to deal with, say, painful periods or stubborn acne, you shouldn’t immediately jump to the conclusion that this will ruin her chastity, as if the only thing stopping a teenage girl from having sex was fear of pregnancy. It depends on the girl. Some will be more tempted by suppressed fertility than others. Ideally, the girl herself will use her self-knowledge to make the right decision for her.
Newer “combination” hormonal contraception is also different from the older stuff. I believe older, “non-combination” contraceptives tended to worsen acne rather than clear it up.
As for mood, YMMV. For some, the pill is less depressing than the “natural” hormonal roller-coaster. Tradeoffs. Always tradeoffs.
Depends on how many times you’ve ridden the rollercoasters in question, I think.
I almost never ride the same rollercoaster twice, for this very reason, but I never get tired of a good go-kart track.
The irony for me is how poorly my better half deals with our teenaged daughter. The girl is, as one might expect, not entirely self aware, and she does sometimes sound quite a lot like Hillary Clinton in harpy mode.
But I have lots of practice rolling with the situation. My wife: not so much.
May I assume that teenage moods don’t follow the same sort of schedule as those of adult women?
No apology necessary. This is a classic case of how men and women communicate differently! Some of us females on this site feel compelled to use that smiley; I’m trying to wean myself off it, but it’s hard. :) (oops…)
My data suggests high volatility in both, but not the kind of cyclical predictability that DC describes. Modesty forbids me from elaborating; suffice it to say that in my experience, a dedicated man can almost always inspire his woman.
And teenaged girls are, simply, nuts. Differently nuts than teenaged boys, but clearly there is a very tenuous grip on reality quite a lot of the time.
My wife, bless her, knows when she is being, ah, a little challenging. My daughter has no clue – and my wife has ZERO tolerance for Hillary Clinton as a daughter.
Sometimes nothing communicates better than a well-placed emoticon. I think we should embrace them, ET. :)))))) ;) (I know, very painful for you emoticon haters out there.)
Thank you for saying this! So I’m not the crazy one after all. I knew it!! (I have four girls in the house, so it’s quite the circus here at times.)
As for the predictability. I just put that down as a general observation, but like I said it’s so very different for every woman. And even some women find that their cycles and moods change. There are, I’m sure, other factors that play a role. What we eat, exercise, stress, sleep, etc. It just helps to know all these things so we can have a little more mind over body control to alleviate some of these issues.
I do have to say you are very right. If this were GQ Magazine, you could probably give the gentlemen readers some good advice on that kind of dedication, but this is Ricochet after all. :)
Never apologize for the use of emoticons!
Internet written communication is not the same as verbal communication or formal written communication.
Internet written communication is informal like verbal communication without the benefit of the non-verbal cues which fill in the gaps of comprehension.
Formal written communication compensates for those gaps by using way more words, more structure, more syntax, etc.
With a 200-word limit on comments, that is not feasible.
The ONLY way to compensate for these gaps when writing informally is through the use of non-textual symbols, such as embedded images, formatting cue like ALLCAPS, bold and italics, links to other sources … and emoticons.
If one does not provide any cues to indicate context, one must assume that one’s words will be taken literally.
If Communications Studies taught me anything, it was the vital necessity of non-verbal and para-verbal information (as well as the importance of redundancy and error-corection) (as well as the importance of redundancy and error-correction) for the accurate transmission of meaning.