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Men and the Phases of a Woman — DC McAllister
Women. In the words of Forrest Gump, they’re like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get until you take a bite.
You men know exactly what I’m talking about. One day, she can’t keep her hands off of you. You come home from work and she’s smothering you with kisses, ripping your clothes off like a wild animal before you can even catch a breath. The next day, you come home, looking the same, acting the same, and you’re met with eyes blazing, nose flaring, and a barrage of complaints about how everything is your fault.
Okay, it might not be that extreme, but you get the picture. Passion. Depression. Anger. Insecurity. Joy. When it comes to women (most women, anyway), the moods change like the weather. This is not just a personality thing—though there are some personalities that manage these changes better than others—it is a gender thing.
Of course, this is a reality many feminists don’t want to talk about. If you do—especially if you’re a man—you’ll be pilloried. Women are no different from men, don’t you know? No different—except for our genitalia. Otherwise, we’re identical. All that moody stuff, all the ways that women change from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde with the cycles of the moon, just ignore that. It isn’t real. Just move along, nothing to see here.
But there is something to see here—and something that needs to be understood and honestly admitted. Premenopausal women (generally speaking) are affected by hormones and brain chemistry in ways men aren’t. Their moods shift; for some women, it’s subtle. For others, it’s dramatic.
Men are (again, generally speaking) much more emotionally constant. They’re the strong and steady ship that sails on the deep and beautiful ocean that is a woman. Like the sea, a woman changes with the cycles of the moon, and a man needs to be prepared as he rides the shifting currents.
Such a thing isn’t easy, and many men, I suspect, don’t even fully understand that this is happening. When a once-gentle woman transforms into a shrieking harpy, he immediately assumes it must be his fault. Or worse, he thinks she’s crazy, bipolar, selfish, or disturbed. The woman, of course, perpetuates this myth by not understanding herself and assuming it’s the man’s fault. He’s insensitive, self-centered, and unhelpful. If he would just do whatever it is she wants him to do in that moment, she would be happy again.
But it isn’t his fault. And she isn’t crazy. It’s nature. The same is true for those lustful phases. Sorry, gentlemen, but when a woman gets all hot and bothered and is sending you flirtatious texts with promises of sensual delights when you get home, it’s not just because you’re so sexy and desirable (even though you are). It’s because of her chemistry, the phase of the moon, and the fact that she feels good about herself. That doesn’t make her selfish. That makes her a woman.
When a man can understand, accept, and embrace the shifting phases of a woman, he will be better able to love her. But he can’t do it alone. A woman needs to understand it too. She can’t deny her true nature. She can’t fall for the nonsense that she’s just a curvy version of a man. She can’t assume that if she’s feeling angry or depressed or insecure then it must be his fault. If she does make this assumption and refuses to accept herself for what she is and learn to manage it, to control it, she’ll push him away as he grows weary of her abuse.
Peace in relationships will be easier to attain when men and women see themselves and each other in the light of nature. A woman can then become more aware of her own cycles and prepare herself mentally to deal with them, reminding herself as best she can that these hostile feelings are not caused by other people but by her hormones. She can then take steps to redirect her feelings in more healthy ways instead of lashing out at every little thing that irritates her.
A man can become more prepared as he sees past the phases and the chemistry, and remembers that the woman he loves is still there; she just has to work through this time. The best thing he can do is figure out a way to help her. Sometimes that means getting out of the house for a while. Sometimes that means just holding her—even as she lashes out. A man who can do that, who loves like that, is a man of strength. But he won’t be able to do it if he doesn’t understand first what is actually happening.
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I was going to try and post some more, but I am doubled over in laughter still after reading this from Aaron: “How much slack, if any, should a man cut a woman”.
That is too much. ahahahahahahahaha !
Seriously though Aaron, would you mind if I bought some more life insurance on you ?
Only if I knew he had a cold. Otherwise, I’d just assume he was being a jerk for no reason.
Like you said, many women keep the physical source of their discomfort and irritation private. Ergo…
(Also, at my office we send people home when they have a cold…)
A woman can call me anything she wants as long as it’s said with love.
The answer depends entirely on the labour laws in your jurisdiction.
Gee Denise you did not even touch on the wonders of a year’s worth of postpartum. The little hormone fairy come to town and never leaves.
Thanks, Ms. Denise.
The difficulty of honestly addressing the issue prevents accurate assessment of a lot of other health issues. A little bit of a thyroid problem could be sending a woman on an emotional rollercoaster cycle that could go undiagnosed for years since it will be attributed by her, her husband and her doctor to her ordinary monthly cycle.
This discussion reminds me of this:
This is true. If a woman does have low thyroid function, thyroid supplementation may be one way of managing the symptoms without impairing her fertility (in contrast to birth-control pills, which completely suppress fertility). In fact, for these women, thyroid supplementation may increase fertility.
The women I know with low thyroid function also tend to have debilitating periods. Imagine that: debilitating periods and decreased fertility – the worst of both worlds.
Women and men are different because of those hormones from the womb on.
One thing I don’t think most women appreciate is how our much higher testosterone levels effect men. It colors our thinking and our behavior to a strong degree.
I wager if I took any give woman in her 20’s and increased her T level to that of a man in his 20s, she would find it hard to control her anger.
Reversed, a man with more estrogen would find himself far more emotional.
DCM isn’t even remotely close to being hysterical; in fact, I might argue that men go through similar mood swings as all human beings do at various times of their lives. Perhaps women are more vocal; but men have their ways, indeed… sulking, sulking, and did I mention pouting?
I went over it with Gawain one day while we were waiting for the trebuchet to be brought up. (He’s quite the ladies’ man, in the best sense of the term.)
Buy flowers now and then. Don’t have a reason.
Human beings who are not self-aware in general are dangerous.
Everybody has biologically-induced irrational tendencies.
The fact that about half the population can track some of those biological effects on a semi-regular schedule, even a little bit, should be an advantage rather than a hardship.
If I could predict with anything better than 50/50 accuracy that I would have a greater-than-normal tendency to be a total jerk-wad on a given day, that would be a tremendous competitive advantage, because then I could prepare for that eventuality rather than being blind-sided by my own crapulence.
(In fact, when I am having a particularly stressful day, I do put a sign up outside my workspace warning people not to interrupt me unless they really, really, urgently need my assistance with something. On light workload days, the sign says “come on in!”. That way folk have fair warning what they might be in for.)
My woman has never given me grief for things that aren’t my fault.
My dilemma is that there is no shortage of things that actually are my fault.
I have, of course, known women who blame others for their own decisions and/or behaviour. I never attributed it to their gender. They were simply awful human beings.
That one’s a keeper then. But you knew that already.
On the basis of this thread. it seems to me the punctuation marks in the post photo should be reversed…Just sayin’
Aaron Miller: #22 “How much slack, if any, should a man cut a woman simply for being a woman?”
You write that like a single man.
Which, sadly, depends on the things that are my fault never reaching critical mass.
While residing in my Nag-Free Zone, I sometimes wonder if I get away with saying stuff like that because I’m single, or am I single because I say stuff like that? We’ll never truly know the answer.
The question does not only apply to spouses.
It also applies to female acquaintances, friends, wives-of-friends, co-workers, supervisors, subordinates, employers, employees, teachers, students, clients, customers, competitors, opponents, allies, police and other government officials, parents, siblings, children, etc.
The question is super easy to answer if we were only considering spouses.
The question becomes much, much, much, more complicated in those other scenarios.
Look, Denise, you’re seriously underestimating the emotional spectrum of men. I mean, my loyalties go from Curly to Shemp, and Shemp to Curly … sometimes in the same week!
I don’t know, I think men can be just as irrational and emotional as women. I spent the day at my sons’ lacrosse games. I saw a lot of terrible behavior from grown men. One group of men almost got in a fight with a park ranger. Then there were fathers screaming at their young sons. I think these generalizations about men or women being a certain way are unfair and inaccurate. What were the hormonal women doing? Standing in the rain cheering on their kids and passing out juice and snacks afterward. People make choices about their behavior. Each of us is the captain of our own soul. When a woman thinks it’s okay to go all Scarlet O’Hara on her husband, it’s not hormones, she’s being an immature brat.
Then quit bitching about Our drinking.
They try to keep it private. If it’s bad enough, they’ll probably look pained and wilted no matter how they try to disguise it. A woman can always claim a headache or a bit of an “upset stomach” if further explanation is needed.
Of course, part of keeping it private is to consciously minimize your public displays of irritation during that time, no matter how lousy you feel. You’re unlikely to be 100% successful at this, though.
Is this thread a trap admiral?
Men only appear stable because the influence of testosterone is unrelenting. Yet I find nothing in our workplace behavior policies that allow for this. Men just have to cope; why shouldn’t women?
It seems everyone here agrees women should cope. But, humans being imperfect creatures, coping isn’t 100% effective.
Until recently, part of our social understanding was that men would sometimes commit testosterone-fueled faux paus, like getting into pointless pissing-match arguments or being too obvious about staring at a woman’s breasts. Women knew that even good men sometimes do these things, and tolerated a degree of it as “boys will be boys”.
Modern sexual harassment laws – especially of the “hostile work environment” sort – have unfortunately undermined this social understanding. For which I apologize, not that my apology does anything to change it.
It’s good manners to do our best to cope, but to also make allowances for others when they don’t cope perfectly for whatever reason.
Karen–there is a huge difference between men being emotional in a competitive setting (which women can be too) and the monthly cycles of women that deeply affect them and their intimate relationships.
Karen–Additionally, the issue here isn’t who gets more angry, men or women. An abusive man or a man who has no control over his impulses is a frightening thing. I’ve lived that. That’s another topic altogether. I’m not saying there aren’t men who can’t control themselves. Just as there are women who can’t control themselves. But in the realm of the norm, women have to deal on a monthly basis with phases and cycles of emotion that men do not. And men have to deal with women who are going through it. This is a proven fact. It is something that distinguishes men from women. This is not a right or wrong issue and it isn’t one of women acting like “immature brats.” The struggles women face with hormones is serious and heartwrenching. Just talk to a woman who has struggled with postpartum depression or anxiety. Just talk to a woman with dysphoric PMS. This isn’t something to criticize or look down your nose at. It’s something to consider with compassion and understanding. That is the point of my post.
Not all people are called to the vocation of marriage.
When men realize they’re not cut out to be a husband or father that’s a good thing. Likewise when women realize they’re not cut out to be a wife or mother.
A lot of the guys I went to college with would just be more happy and fulfilled not going the family route. They’d certainly be better off financially. Some women would be more responsible and less emotionally conflicted just marrying their career and remaining single instead of short-changing their children.
My wife has/had serious post partum depression, and it wasn’t a laughing matter. I don’t take that lightly. However, Denise, your post touches on a much more general question, i.e., that social roles and gender roles don’t answer: how do we deal with anyone who isn’t emotionally or psychologically “normal” (given their usual behavior otherwise)? But I don’t know that there are any fixed answers to that. That’s why life can’t be programmed. Every circumstance is different.
I know what I did, and thank God (as RyanM pointed out in a different post) I lucked into a marriage with a wonderful woman. But is there any consistent lesson that I could draw from my experience and offer to others? Nah.
In golf, we have a saying: play it as it lies. Adjust. Pay attention. Respond.