America Comes Together, Keeps Its Distance

 

First the good news: I may have won a cruise!

The bad news is that while Americans are sheltering in place, stocks are in free-fall and unemployment is skyrocketing, China is celebrating the Year of the Bat. The question on everyone’s mind is this: is the Wuhan virus a world-ending pandemic or God’s gift to comedy? More and more the answer seems to be the latter. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if China, which is particularly susceptible to viruses owing to its aging population, instituted a three-child policy.

Where I am, in Central Europe, even Germans are joking about it. Personal politics have been upended: no sooner had my Never Trump German wife criticized POTUS’s travel ban from Europe to the U.S. that Germany imposed similar restrictions against France and several other surrounding countries. For the few remaining sufficiently sane people in the world who disapprove of Trump but wish him no ill, the good news is that his coronavirus test has come back beautiful.

A sense of humor is essential in times like this. Who amongst us doesn’t take joy at the sight of quarantined Bronx residents forced to fax images of their middle finger? Or Greta Thunberg’s sleepless nights as the world’s governments and institutions call on citizens to avoid public transportation and switch back to single-use plastic bags? What’s next- reviving Hands Across America in the fight against the virus? Imagine what wine-track donors are going through right now, daydreaming of a bomber jacket-clad President Buttigieg issuing soaring rhetoric about how “Chinese restaurant” is racist.

Meanwhile, Trump has caved to The Resistance’s call that he massively expand his own authority, essentially fast-tracking our children to utter bankruptcy. How will we pay for the current massive stimulus? Maybe we can get some cheap loans from China…

Each day Americans become more rattled with the realization that even celebrities can catch a cold. As for that bastion of political correctness the Centers For Disease Control, it has called upon the nation to wash your hands frequently, avoid touching your face and be under 60.

Any news item not related to COVID-19 seems to have vanished down the memory hole. Remember impeachment? How about that Democratic primary that was going on? It seems ages ago that Joe Biden essentially shattered the glass ceiling against major party nominees having dementia. Mores and customs are changing overnight: no sooner are people sneezing into the crook of their arm that they’re greeting each other with elbow bumps. Italians are now taking slowing the spread of the virus so seriously that they’re greeting each other with only a single kiss.

The questions facing us are difficult and serious. Do we want to live in a world where Bill de Blasio is forced to workout from home? Will the Fed cut interest rates to -1%? If the NFL season is canceled does that mean the virus wins? When will Beijing announce the resumption of the NBA season? And if China’s Gangster State is really ahead of the curve in fighting the virus they lied about for months, why not resume the NBA season over there?

One bright spot is that federalism is thriving in California, of all places. While San Franciscans are forced to shelter in place, residents of Hollywood can at least leave home for essential oils. On the other hand, with schools shut down across the country for a month or more, my concern is that we’ll have an entire generation of America-loving kids who don’t know that men can get pregnant.

As for me, all of this newfound free time is forcing me to put off new things.

Published in Healthcare
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  1. Ralphie Inactive
    Ralphie
    @Ralphie

    I like the cut of your jib.

    • #1
  2. Jimmy Carter Member
    Jimmy Carter
    @JimmyCarter

    David Deeble: What’s next- reviving Hands Across America in the fight against the virus?

    I see what You did there. Clever.

     

    David Deeble: Any news item not related to COVID-19 seems to have vanished down the memory hole. Remember impeachment? How about that Democratic primary that was going on?

    The moment Hillary was ordered to give a sworn deposition concerning Her emails a virus was unleashed to take out the entire world. No one is immune from the wrath of Hillary.

    • #2
  3. PHCheese Inactive
    PHCheese
    @PHCheese

    I heard President Trump has come out with a new test for the virus. No need to leave home . You take two stool samples. Mail one to Nancy Pelosi and the other to Adam Schiff.

    • #3
  4. MisterSirius Member
    MisterSirius
    @MisterSirius

    My epiphany the other day: The toilet paper frenzy is less about Wuhan Flu and more about Venezuela-Sanders.

    Still, commies all.

    • #4
  5. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    David Deeble: Where I am – in Central Europe – even Germans are joking about it.

    Tell me the beer halls are still open . . .

    • #5
  6. Stina Member
    Stina
    @CM

    David Deeble: On the other hand, with schools shut down across the country for a month or more, my concern is that we’ll have an entire generation of America-loving kids who don’t know that men can get pregnant. 

    They can watch Junior instead :p

    • #6
  7. Steven Seward Member
    Steven Seward
    @StevenSeward

    I’m still laughing my a$$ off!  I am so glad I started following you, David.  I only follow two people on this whole site, and the other one is my wife.  Cheers!

    • #7
  8. David Deeble Member
    David Deeble
    @DavidDeeble

    Steven Seward (View Comment):

    I’m still laughing my a$$ off! I am so glad I started following you, David. I only follow two people on this whole site, and the other one is my wife. Cheers!

    Thanks, Steven! I’m glad you enjoyed it. 

    • #8
  9. PHCheese Inactive
    PHCheese
    @PHCheese

    The kids in my neighborhood have nothing to do now that there isn’t any school so last night they Toilet  Papered my house. I put it on the market this morning 12 million five.

    • #9
  10. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    By the way, that picture sums it all up . . .

    • #10
  11. Chris O. Coolidge
    Chris O.
    @ChrisO

    PHCheese (View Comment):
    The kids in my neighborhood have nothing to do now that there isn’t any school

    The kids in my neighborhood got bags of dog poop out of a trash can and threw them at each other, and for some reason kept stealing each other’s clothes, just like they apparently stole change from a fountain earlier in the day.

    We’re talking boys age 12-14, of course. They’re all trying to be the alpha and it just ends up weird.

    • #11
  12. James Gawron Inactive
    James Gawron
    @JamesGawron

    David Deeble: On the other hand, with schools shut down across the country for a month or more, my concern is that we’ll have an entire generation of America-loving kids who don’t know that men can get pregnant.

    Dave,

    Ahhhh, finally somebody who can show me the upside.

    Regards,

    Jim

    • #12
  13. kedavis Member
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    My nomination for Post Of The Week.

    • #13
  14. Basil Fawlty Member
    Basil Fawlty
    @BasilFawlty

    Anyone know the provenance of that great Hopper meme?

    • #14
  15. David Deeble Member
    David Deeble
    @DavidDeeble

    Basil Fawlty (View Comment):

    Anyone know the provenance of that great Hopper meme?

    Wish I did. 

    • #15
  16. David Deeble Member
    David Deeble
    @DavidDeeble

    kedavis (View Comment):

    My nomination for Post Of The Week.

    Glad you enjoyed it, @Kedavis, and thanks!

    • #16
  17. Hartmann von Aue Member
    Hartmann von Aue
    @HartmannvonAue

    Stad (View Comment):

    David Deeble: Where I am – in Central Europe – even Germans are joking about it.

    Tell me the beer halls are still open . . .

    Leider nicht. Ich weine….

    But seriously: It has been fun to see what- besides toilet paper, wipes and handsoap- has been sold out at stores. Ham. Certain types of cheese. Rye bread. But American-style bread…shelves and shelves still stocked. 

    • #17
  18. Steven Hayward Podcaster
    Steven Hayward
    @StevenHayward

    Deeble–you are a living, walking example of “man meeting moment” just now. #Coronacomedyforever

     

    • #18
  19. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Does “shelter in place” mean that San Franciscans now need permission slips to go out and take a dump in the street?

    • #19
  20. Randy Weivoda Moderator
    Randy Weivoda
    @RandyWeivoda

    David Deeble: For the few remaining sufficiently sane people in the world who disapprove of Trump but wish him no ill, the good news is that his coronavirus test has come back beautiful.

    People tell me that it was the best Coronavirus test of any American president.

    • #20
  21. kedavis Member
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    Randy Weivoda (View Comment):

    David Deeble: For the few remaining sufficiently sane people in the world who disapprove of Trump but wish him no ill, the good news is that his coronavirus test has come back beautiful.

    People tell me that it was the best Coronavirus test of any American president.

    “Perfect” would have also worked.  :-)

    • #21