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Who Wants to Help Write a Dentistry Musical?
I had my semi-annual dental cleaning a couple of days ago, and as I spoke with my hygienist and dentist, I thought of something the dental profession needs: Good PR. Not just good PR, but flashy good PR, and what better PR is there than a good musical? I mean look what Kiss Me, Kate! did for touring actors or Lend Me a Tenor did for opera singers or what A Chorus Line did for Broadway performers or what The Greatest Showman did for circus hucksters or La La Land did for Hollywood performers or what The Blues Brothers did for blues bands or…um…what the “Poor Judd is Dead” song did for Harvey Weinstein types in Oklahoma. (All of the sudden, I’m realizing how self-focused that this whole business is.)
Anyway, the point is, that a good musical could be great PR for dentistry. When we currently think of musicals and dentistry, what currently comes to mind? You immediately thought of Little Shop of Horrors, didn’t you? First, the dentist is only a peripheral character in that musical, and even more so in the original movie the musical is based on. Second, this character is not good PR for dentistry, not by a long shot. No, we need something much better, much more positive.
Some of the scenes I am imagining go like this:
- A full-on Busby Berkeley-style song-and-dance number involving dental hygienists singing a song that might have words or a chorus that might include:Brush, Brush, Brush your teeth,
And floss them every day.
Brush, Brush, Brush your teeth,
And wipe the plaque away… - In the dance number, it might involve a chorus line dressed as teeth with the hygienists pulling pristine white silk ropes between them for the “Floss” part.
- Of course, there has to be a dramatic love song, so why not something that starts:I love…my teeth…In…my mouth
And I want to keep them that waaaaaayyyy! - There could be a song or dance number highlighting some of the nifty new technologies, or perhaps a number for each. For instance, the 3-D X-Ray machine, or the 3-D printers for creating polymer or glass fillings or crowns that are made while you wait.
- And the comedic relief character, a vampire looking for a good all-night dental clinic.
The main thing is to make the dentist’s office a less scary place for people. Instead of feeling anxiety, let’s have them go into the dentist’s office smiling and humming catchy tunes. Use your imagination. Who is in, and what have you got?
Published in Group Writing
‘eyeish, ‘airy ‘eyeish! (Wise, very wise!)
Two words: Deep. Cleaning. <shudder>
Sweeney Todd, actually…
Last time I went to the dentist, I asked about brush hardness and she emphasized to use the softest brush while scrubbing as gently as possible. So perhaps in light of recent research it should be:
Incidentally, I had not been to a dentist in 20 years. After a lifetime of sodas, hard candies, and all that stuff your dentist warned you about, I have yet to have a cavity. I only went to get some calcium buildup scraped off. Preventative healthcare is an art, not a science.
Maybe your fictional dentist should be a painter. Or worse, a Millenial who draws emojis on impatients’ teeth.
Here it is:
The part of День выборов (Election Day) that includes the dentists runs from about 1:25:30 to 1:29:40.
The dentists are doing their act as a candidate endorsement for a gubernatorial election. Putin abolished gubernatorial elections before the film was completed.
The film was very popular in Russia. I’ve watched it several times myself. There have been several attempts at a sequel, none of which are any good, of course.
This version of the film runs about two hours, but there is also an uncut version on YouTube which runs about a half hour longer (and which doesn’t have English subtitles). Some parts of the dentists’ routine were among the stuff that was cut to make the short version, but there is enough here to give you the idea.
Your musical needs a protagonist. May I suggest, Kevin – a dentist ostracized by his peers for being the one dentist in five that doesn’t recommend chewing sugarless gum to his patients who chew gum.
I’m ready to switch dentists . . .
I’m trying really, really hard not to hate you right now, after reading that.
I, on the other hand, have spent a lifetime doing all the things dentists tell you to do and yet, I don’t think I have a single tooth left that hasn’t been worked over extensively, endured emergency surgery or just replaced altogether by an implant. (Knowing that Arahant’s already heard my tales of dental woes, when I got a notification that he’d mentioned me, I knew without even checking first that it had to have been here.)
By all rights, I should really be terrified of dentists by now but for whatever reason (complete and utter surrender to my lousy lot in life, most likely), I’m just not.
My current dentist is a really outgoing guy — I’m picturing a fun group patter song where a bunch of dentists bombard their patients with all sorts of gab then keep asking them questions to which the patients can only respond in a chorus of completely nonsensical syllables. And then maybe after they’re told to “rinse, please” they’ll try to get a word in quickly, only to be cut off with an “open wide!” and then it starts all over again.
My first thought was of the dentist in Bells are Ringing. That whole section should have been rewritten.
We’re all pulling for you!
Funny, funny, funny. I still laugh when I see it. Back in the late ’60s they would use that sketch as part of orientation day at a few dental schools – they did at Pitt.
The showstopper tune at the end could be “The Yanks Are Coming”.
I think there is an undiscovered PDQ Bach piece that involves a story about early experiments with Mesmerism as a dental anaesthetic. They were called the Trance and Dental Etudes.
I don’t think I have any helpful ideas, but I’d like to say that I love going to the dentist. I get to spend a relaxing 45 minutes or so just sitting and letting somebody else brush my teeth, which I utterly hate doing at home. I like flossing though, and I do that way better than the hygienist, but still, them brushing is way worth it.
The only downside is trying to respond to questions.
When I went to a dentist regularly, she covered the ceiling with posters of exotic locales like reefs of Belize. Consequently, “Bali Hai” would be a fitting soundtrack.
I quite like this idea.
So does he go all Evil DDS, “I’ll show them, I’ll show them all!” shaky-fist?
Maybe one-out-of-five gets miniaturized and the hero has to do battle with him in someone’s mouth (but whose?) – Ara’s flossing dance scene could be part of that or perhaps the fight would be later in the play.
I love the idea of a wordless largely consonant-free refrain!
I think “Open Wide!” is a great title (or show-stopping number) for this production.
Starting to sound like a bit of macro-dosing with LSD is going on here. Next, we’ll have a dental office bowling team.
Alternate title, or possible additional song: “Laughing Gas”. Maybe we could work in some Steampunk with a pedalled contraption with huge brass gears that powers a dental drill.
Starting?
That will definitely be the “dream ballet” sequence.
It took awhile before the ideas started flowing, as opposed to the dentistry hate, but this is starting to get really good.
How nice for you.
Meanwhile, I can still remember where all the hidden objects were in the dog-eared stack of Highlights magazines in my childhood dentist’s waiting room and if I close my eyes, I can still see the two wires that snaked out of the (annoyingly off-center) light above the chair and disappeared into the ceiling tiles.
(Yes, that’s right — I said “childhood dentist” — because since even my baby teeth had all the structural density of a coral reef, I spent an inordinate amount of time in that guy’s office.)
Set it in Ireland. Lead dentist? Perry O’Donnell, DDS.
All the songs must have precise bridges, too.
I love my dentist and have known him for decades. His hobbies have included race car driving, fencing, and competitive target shooting. He gives me shooting tips while he cleans my teeth.