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Gay Marriage: An Awkward Moment
A few months ago I attended a T’ai Chi Chih Conference and met a lovely woman. We had a lot in common besides our practice. At lunch, we sat together with a woman friend who had come with her to the conference. I thought they might both be gay — no big deal. Then “Gayle” introduced me to her wife, and explained that they’d been married two months before and were so excited. Awkward. The only thing I could do was smile and say “Congratulations.” (For the record, I tried wearing the same-sex marriage idea for several months, but all the pulling on the hem and shortening of the sleeves wouldn’t work; I can’t support same sex marriage.)
Generally, I’m not reluctant to speak up when I have a serious disagreement with someone, but face to face with two people who felt safe enough to share their relationship with me caught me off guard.
Have you been in this spot? Was it no big deal? How did you respond? If you haven’t been there, what do you think you’ll do when it happens?
Published in Culture, General
The proper term is matelotage.
Handle predates the reference, but nice try. Play again?
Maybe he married her for the aerobic exercise and wasn’t really focused on what other people thought? Some people will buy a really great artwork or go to an opera because they like the artwork or the opera, not because they want to be seen liking opera or artwork
Yeah, that’s right. Or something like that is right. Not every time and place is right to talk about this stuff. (Not every time and place is Ricochet.)
However, I’m a bit uncomfortable with the idea of offering congratulations. It’s dishonest to endorse without approving, isn’t it? And is it possible to congratulate without endorsing?
If that concern is well-founded, then probably the best thing is to think super-fast and find something to say which is honest and true and polite, like “Oh, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” (And if it’s all too awkward for that to be true, then maybe the right thing to say is “It’s good to meet you.” That could be said truly of nearly any human being because all humans are intrinsically valuable, right?)
Truth is overrated. Are you married?
Indeed.
I disapprove of divorce and remarriage, but I wouldn’t let a remarried person feel it upon our meeting.
I would likely smile and nod politely, inanely… as I would on meeting your new acquaintance.
You can never go wrong by simply wishing the happy couple a long and fruitful marriage.
That’s a micro aggression if I ever saw one.
I’m with BDB on this one. Approval isn’t required to be genuinely happy for someone else’s happiness. A son in a family I am very close to was garried in Cali and they came back here for a reception for friends and family that I attended. It wasn’t a problem for me to congratulate them on their happiness without chastising them for disagreeing with me over the definition of marriage.
I thought BDB was talking about truth. Expressing happiness for someone’s happiness doesn’t compromise truth if you really think there’s happiness there and really are happy for it.
You better be polite to me and the Mrs. when my dream comes true!
This is what I was referring to:
“I can be happy for the joyous events in another persons life as long as I’m not required to approve.”
I think most of the family knows I’m not a gay marriage supporter but they weren’t asking for my approval, they just know I still love them and their son.
Smile and move on. The left drives us crazy by making everything political. The way we win is to ignore it whenever possible. And chit-chat at a conference is ground zero for non political chit chat.
If you had said you were excited and happy to have just moved to Texas and the couple at the table said “oh, to be among all those gun lovers” you’d rightly call them rude, even though they were just stating their beliefs.
“This is very strange to me. In my culture women can’t have wives.”
Short aside: I attended the wedding of two male friends from my days at NYU back in July. To my surprise, the sentiment expressed over and over by the parents, grandparents, extended family that had flown in from the Philippines, was gratitude. I hadn’t expected that.
In this sort of hypothetical situation, I would try to say something to the effect of, “I wish the both of you every happiness in the future.” If you bother to parse it, it’s not actually a congratulations of their union, and 99.99999% of the population won’t bother.
Excellent.
One of my cousins married “out” about thirty years ago. My family was fine with it, but her husband’s family was definitely not okay with a Muslim bride. I was not in India at the time, and when I called to wish them my cousin did sound grateful for my support for their embarking on a life together. Maybe it’s that?
Susan, My suggestion is that you try a little experiment for, oh say, 24 hours. Just tell everyone you meet all the things they do of which you disapprove. Be entirely honest. After all, honesty is the best policy.
If they engage in practices that violate your religious beliefs, like working on the Sabbath maybe, tell them that they are sinners and will burn in hell. Tell them your opinions of their tattoos, their weight, their haircut, their clothing, their career choices. And, of course, if you disapprove of their spouse or significant other (of whatever sex) be sure to tell them all about it. Bring their kids into it as well.
After 24 hours of this, I’m sure you will have a very clear answer to your question. Then you can begin to rebuild your tattered relationships.
Someone should make a movie of this. Oh wait, someone already did.
If the chit-chat is destructive, and you let it go, you are complicit. In this case it’s risky to push back- entirely impossible at work- but you’re still complicit.
So say the chit-chat is, “Boy, FightInPhilly, I would hate to live in Texas, with all those redneck gun-lovers” what do you say? “Ah,” or “I like gun-lovers” ? Depends on the situation, but the first one makes you complicit.
I didn’t mean to imply folks were especially grateful that I had personally attended (even my ego has limits), but rather that the union was now possible. Your support of your cousin was undoubtedly appreciated in a situation like the one you describe.
Much as it may make some Ricochet folks cringe, there was a genuine feeling of patriotism (seriously) and optimism in the room. It wasn’t triumph. It was gratitude.
Hey man, if some rich old dame decides to take you as her trophy husband, I will congratulate you and hope you invite me to the wedding.
Like the author of this post, it is difficult for me to reconcile SSM with my personal views on the institution of traditional marriage without coming across as bigoted and intolerant. I don’t see how two people who aren’t sexually complementary—that is, it is against the laws of nature for them to bear children—can be married. I have numerous gay friends, and a few friends who are now transgender, and like to consider myself tolerant and supportive of them. I worry that holding a traditional view of marriage, not that it matters now, would essentially promote second-class citizenry.
No chance. I will die penniless and alone.
I may do that anyway even if a rich old dame doesn’t try to lock me down.
Dr. Laura says to just be polite. Not difficult. A bit less drama never hurts.
Actually I looked up the word congratulate, and the first meaning is “give someone one’s good wishes when something special or pleasant has happened to them.” The second meaning includes “praise” but I’ll stick with the first one and that’s my final answer!
Gosh, this sounds like fun–or maybe not! ;>)
“Felicitations!”
I think we’ve already crossed that bridge with all the couples that pair up without marriage. Although I think the pendulum may be swinging the other way.