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The Millennial Missal
I laugh because I can. Listening to Nancy Pelosi explaining “the Word,” or talking about her prayer list, while standing in front of her $24K fridge, while displaying her collection of $12 a pint ice cream bemuses me. Lest you think my appreciation for satire is confined to Catholics you would be wrong. There is Joel Osteen; “The Gospel has been very, very good to me.” There is the Agape Espresso Bar in any number of megachurches around the US. One has to wonder how many good Christians will let you out of the parking lot after the service has ended.
From Eye of the Tiber:
Spokane, Washington–Expressing sadness for the lack of attention from parishioners during Sunday Masses, Gonzaga University priest Fr. John Conti has recently instituted an all new “Text-Message-Only Mass.” The Gonzaga graduate who just celebrated his 15th anniversary of priesthood told reporters that the idea came to him as he sat listening to the deacon read the epistle.
“I looked out and saw all these college kids reading texts messages on their phones,” Conti said. “That’s when I knew the Church needed to catch up or risk being left behind, so to speak. So I figured, heck, if they’re already on their phones, might just be easier to text them the prompts and they can just text back the responses.” Conti went on to say that people can think of the new approach to the Mass as a “Novus Ordo Low Mass,” in that it’s quiet throughout the Mass, but that the text messages are in the vernacular rather than Latin.
20-year-old Gonzaga junior Jane Douglas told Eye of the Tiber that the Text-Message-Only Mass has made her enjoy going to Mass again.
“It’s sorta awesome now. Last Sunday I was texting my boyfriend and I got this text that was all like ‘Th Lord b W u,’ and I was all texting back like, ‘n w ur spirit ; ),’ and then I went back to texting my boyfriend, and we decided we’d just go pick up my roommate Sarah and then go to the BYOB bonfire.
I guess it’s just kinda cool to know you don’t have to leave your social life just cause your at church.” Conti says that if it weren’t for the distribution of the Eucharist, he would be happy to have the Mass go completely virtual. “I like to call it ‘e-fellowship.’”
In closing; ‘The Lord b W u’
Response; ‘n w ur spirit.’
Published in Humor
I love your posts and always look forward to them. Thank you! God bless you!
Well, that was…horrible. Forgive them, Lord, they know not what they do.
Will Apple or Google even allow a Jesus emoji?
My parish announced its first public Mass since the lockdown. Parishioners must sit 6 feet apart with an empty pew between each row. Only 200 people total are allowed in the building, from a community of 3,000+ families. They ask people over 65-years-old to stay home. Hand sanitizer is at the doors for both entering and exiting (when we used to bless ourselves with holy water). Masks are mandatory. Receive the Eucharist in hand, step aside, lower your mask and eat.
Some are pleased the priests will forego “extraordinary” Eucharistic ministers for the first time in memory.
It doesn’t feel much like the Church that brought Christ to leper colonies and to bloodthirsty tribes that tortured priests before killing them. I’m not sure if more or fewer Christians will show up to Mass months from now as compared to before the virus.
But it’s the bishops’ call and the Lord brings good from all things.
[edit: In fairness, I should add that those conditions are largely under orders from Governor Abbot.]
Maerose Pelosi is just a symptom of the times. I don’t mean that to be comforting, of course.
It occurs to me that I haven’t had an espresso since the lockdown started. I’m going to have to go for a drive tomorrow.
No, it was funny. Eye of the Tiber is like the Babylon Bee or the Onion.
Okay. My anxieties are somewhat assuaged.
I will have to look at Eye of the Tiber
Yes, it is not real.
http://www.eyeofthetiber.com/
Some current headlines:
God Kindly Asks Angels And Saints To Stand 6 Feet Apart When Praising and Worshiping Him
With No Sports Stars To Idolize, Local Christian Temporarily Forced To Worship God
“Before Washington Was, I AM,” Trump Tells Reporters
The Church I have been attending is holding video services, not welcoming people into the building, and does not plan to open until well after the expiration of Momma Whitmer’s orders. I have not been viewing the services – video is not a substitute for attending Church to me. I do check the internet every Friday or so to see if somewhere local is going to actually hold live, in person services. I would be willing to sit in my car to be in attendance with the Body of Christ. Once someplace holds live, in person services I will start attending there. If they preach the Gospel, I may switch my membership to a Church that holds live services.
I wonder how many others will abandon video Churches to attend Church.
Good question. Like you, I have not been attending the Zoom services.
I’ve been following the video services offered by St Michaels in Charleston- It’s my favorite “away” church. They’ve taken a very ambitious approach I think and tried to find ways to encourage active participation rather than have it be a performance. They are doing a lot online during the week, so the staff seem pretty comfortable with the technical aspects. We don’t stand and kneel and I admit don’t sing. But we do participate in the prayers and creeds. I’ve been surprised. My favorite part might be the introduction where they film an aerial approach to the church and then the clergy processing in. I love walking to church – in Charleston of course but we were able to do that when we lived in CA and it was a real part of preparing to worship and then walking home. And then there’s breakfast after.
Coffee has long been replacing wine as the center of attraction in some protestant churches of the kind that don’t use the word “Eucharist.” For example: https://www.spokesrider.com/2009/10/03/coffee-stop/. It could be a type of holy communion, except perhaps where everyone wants his coffee individualized.
Yes, this post was meant to be satirical. Rather than getting angry I prefer humor. As the priest who was the head resident of Holy Cross Hall, and my philosophy advisor put it; All change is not necessarily progress.
I like how Nancy was pleasantly surprised that someone had re-stocked the ice creams. You know you are rich, when you have a staff to restock your snacks.
With the house arrest orders still in place I’m surprised that we haven’t heard of any “secret” gettogethers in the shadows. Nothing stays secret for very long. People meeting secretly out of the eye of the “authorities” to share the faith and worship has happened in the past.
Deleted.
Thank you for clearing that up. I’d never heard of it before and assumed it was a serious publication. Yes, the idea sounded strange; but in today’s world …….
Mohawks not required. Darn
Kinda difficult to do with them all dancing on the head of a pin like that.
I’m surprised that any viruses could make it past purgatory.
Where I live, ghettogethers are done in the wide open.
That’s an easy one. Just bless the hand sanitizer. Two birds with one stone.
I participate with Bishop Barron. His sermons are great; always related both to the readings and to what those mean to and for us today.
Ah, there’s no UV light or disinfectant down there.
I was biking back up the long hill on Rampart Range road with a backpack half full of beer when a kid on a scooter passed me on the right, Eye of the Tiger blasting out of his headset. I’ve never listened to the lyrics so I can’t say if “Eye of the Tiber” is witty or just opportunistic, but man let me tell you – little dude was flyin’ on that scooter.
Actually, that is brilliant. Someone please tell me it’s being done.
Me too. And even when he says the formal prayers, it isn’t perfunctory, like so many priests I’ve experienced. No names will be mentioned. Ahem. He really does have this media evangelization down.