Now, don’t laugh. This is serious. I know that this helium balloon, which has been haunting me for a month, is possessed, and it won’t leave me alone. This is how this whole story began…

Two months’ ago a friend gave me three helium-filled balloons for my birthday. Any normal balloons would have collapsed weeks ago. One did. But the other two have been hiding out somewhere in my office. And then suddenly they re-appeared.

(It’s important to understand that the west side of our home has three connected rooms: my office, a very long bathroom with shower and tub, the water closet, and then the master bedroom at the far end.)

One balloon is pretty shy. I’ve named her Natasha. She hangs out over the bathroom doorway in the corner and just watches me passing by. But the other balloon, named Boris, will not leave us alone!

The worst part of the stalking began yesterday. Natasha was hanging quietly in her corner in the bathroom and I was styling my hair. Suddenly, I felt something bump on my hip. It was Boris. I tried to tell him to go away, but he wouldn’t leave me be. The next thing I knew, he was following Jerry into the shower! What an outrage! I quickly grabbed him, put him into the farthest corner of my office and went back to my hair. Then out of the corner of my eye, there he was again — heading into the shower! I put Boris back in the corner, hoping a time-out would settle him down.

Later that morning, I heard a thudding in the bedroom. At first, I ignored it, assuming I was hearing things. When it continued, I walked past the water closet (where Natasha was still hanging out near the ceiling) and at a distance, I could see Boris being thrashed by the large fan over our bed. I ran into the bedroom and yelled at Boris to come down, but he just kept bouncing around with the fan. I finally was able to reach his string and drag him down. I gave him what-for and once again, put him back in time-out.

It wasn’t until later that I realized what Boris had done. By playing with the fan, he had dislodged all the dust on the fan blades all over the bedroom. Boy, the two of them really had a ball! Meanwhile, I called to Jerry and we vacuumed the bedroom and the comforter. I kept an eye out for Boris in the meantime. He kept out of sight, since he knew he was in deep trouble. I found him later in the office corner, trying to look penitent.

This morning, Natasha was still over the water closet door, but I didn’t see Boris around. I shrieked when I looked into my closet: there was Boris, insidiously sitting on the floor, just waiting to intimidate me once again. In a short time, he was at my side, watching me style my hair.

Now I just don’t know what to do. If I get rid of Boris, he’ll probably haunt me. I know there is more evil awaiting me. I just have to do something.

And don’t tell me that I can’t read the mind of a helium balloon.

The Democrats do that sort of thing all the time.