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I was in D.C. for my annual speech to the International Mensa Convocation when my longtime friend, attorney, and part-time oenophile, E. Hobart Calhoun, invited me to join him on the front row for a live presentation of the House Democracks’ hot new game show, What’s My Lyin’?
E. had just been named as the 78th member of President Big D’s impeachment defense team. As low man on Big D’s lawyer totem pole, E. had been dispatched to monitor the hit show, where panelists try to guess the contestant’s occupation.
House Speaker and soon-to-be octogenarian Nancy Lugosi, Bela’s older sister, strode purposefully on her aluminum walker to the emcee’s desk, welcomed the crowd in the packed House Super-Secret Hearing Room, and introduced the three panelists.
“First, we have Adam “Shifty” Shiftless, chairman of the House Intelligence Committee and leader of the House Protuberant Eyes Caucus (HPEC).”
I was startled when thunderous applause and joyful huzzahs burst from the D.C. press corps to welcome Shifty, and then shocked when women on the front row, including Supreme Court Justice Ruth Baader-Meinhof Ginsburg and MSNBC’s Rachel Maddog, began throwing their tighty-whities at Shifty.
“Our next two panelists are also powerful members of the HPEC,” Lugosi trilled, “Maxine ‘Impeach Fawty-Fie’ Waters and Alexandria Oblivious-Cerebral-Cortex (AOCC).
“Tonight we have a special treat,” Lugosi said. “We’re going to start with our celebrity guest segment. Panelists, please don your blindfolds.”
“Objection,” E. screamed at Lugosi, “Shifty’s blindfold only covers part of his gigantic eyeballs.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. E., but only Democracks are allowed to participate in this show. You’ll have to sit down and shut your ignorant right-wing mouth.”
Two huge SEIU security men appeared in front of us. One took a swing at E., who ducked the punch and sat back down quickly. Speaker Lugosi directed stagehand and House Judiciary Chairman, Jerry Addler, to waddle over to Shifty and give him a much bigger blindfold.
“Bring in our special celebrity guest,” Lugosi said to Addler, who pushed onto the stage a large box on wheels covered with an impenetrable black shroud.
Shifty asked the first question: “Are you a man, woman, lesbian, gay, bi….”
“We are pressed for time, Chairman Shifty,” Lugosi said, “so please limit your sexual identification question to the first 35 of the 102 sex categories the House has recently adopted.”
“A man, sort of,” said an electronically disguised voice from the black box.
“Have you ever worked for former CIA Director Walter Brennan or that bald-headed DUI guy James Crapper?” AOCC asked.
“It’s DNI, AOCC, and you can’t ask that,” Lugosi said.
“Objection,” E. said. “His, her, or they’s work history is relevant.”
“If you don’t shut up, Mr. E.,” Lugosi said, “we’re going to have to gag you.”
“But what about due process?” E. said
“Gag him,” Lugosi said.
E. struggled momentarily, but realized he was outmanned. He stopped fighting, and calmly allowed the SEIU goons to fit him with a gag, noise-cancelling earphones, and the blindfold that was too small for Shifty.
“Now,” Lugosi continued, “your question, Congresswoman Waters.”
“Impeach fawty-fie,” Waters said.
“We’re running short of time,” Lugosi said, “so I’ll give the panelists a hint. The last part of our celebrity guest’s designation is ‘blower’.”
“Ooo, ooo,” AOCC said, “did our celebrity guest work in the Clinton White House?”
“Join us next week,” Lugosi said, “for our next episode, when our mystery celebrity guest will be from Crimea.”
“That reminds me,” Waters said angrily, “what is that traitor Big D doing to stop the dictator Kim of North Crimea from nuking China or sinking Guam?”
“Good night, folks,” Lugosi said.Published in