Contributor Post Created with Sketch. Recommended by Ricochet Members Created with Sketch. What’s My Lyin’

 

I was in D.C. for my annual speech to the International Mensa Convocation when my longtime friend, attorney, and part-time oenophile, E. Hobart Calhoun, invited me to join him on the front row for a live presentation of the House Democracks’ hot new game show, What’s My Lyin’?

E. had just been named as the 78th member of President Big D’s impeachment defense team. As low man on Big D’s lawyer totem pole, E. had been dispatched to monitor the hit show, where panelists try to guess the contestant’s occupation.

House Speaker and soon-to-be octogenarian Nancy Lugosi, Bela’s older sister, strode purposefully on her aluminum walker to the emcee’s desk, welcomed the crowd in the packed House Super-Secret Hearing Room, and introduced the three panelists.

“First, we have Adam “Shifty” Shiftless, chairman of the House Intelligence Committee and leader of the House Protuberant Eyes Caucus (HPEC).”

I was startled when thunderous applause and joyful huzzahs burst from the D.C. press corps to welcome Shifty, and then shocked when women on the front row, including Supreme Court Justice Ruth Baader-Meinhof Ginsburg and MSNBC’s Rachel Maddog, began throwing their tighty-whities at Shifty.

“Our next two panelists are also powerful members of the HPEC,” Lugosi trilled, “Maxine ‘Impeach Fawty-Fie’ Waters and Alexandria Oblivious-Cerebral-Cortex (AOCC).

“Tonight we have a special treat,” Lugosi said. “We’re going to start with our celebrity guest segment. Panelists, please don your blindfolds.”

“Objection,” E. screamed at Lugosi, “Shifty’s blindfold only covers part of his gigantic eyeballs.”

“I’m sorry, Mr. E., but only Democracks are allowed to participate in this show. You’ll have to sit down and shut your ignorant right-wing mouth.”

Two huge SEIU security men appeared in front of us. One took a swing at E., who ducked the punch and sat back down quickly. Speaker Lugosi directed stagehand and House Judiciary Chairman, Jerry Addler, to waddle over to Shifty and give him a much bigger blindfold.

“Bring in our special celebrity guest,” Lugosi said to Addler, who pushed onto the stage a large box on wheels covered with an impenetrable black shroud.

Shifty asked the first question: “Are you a man, woman, lesbian, gay, bi….”

“We are pressed for time, Chairman Shifty,” Lugosi said, “so please limit your sexual identification question to the first 35 of the 102 sex categories the House has recently adopted.”

“A man, sort of,” said an electronically disguised voice from the black box.

“Have you ever worked for former CIA Director Walter Brennan or that bald-headed DUI guy James Crapper?” AOCC asked.

“It’s DNI, AOCC, and you can’t ask that,” Lugosi said.

“Objection,” E. said. “His, her, or they’s work history is relevant.”

“If you don’t shut up, Mr. E.,” Lugosi said, “we’re going to have to gag you.”

“But what about due process?” E. said

“Gag him,” Lugosi said.

E. struggled momentarily, but realized he was outmanned. He stopped fighting, and calmly allowed the SEIU goons to fit him with a gag, noise-cancelling earphones, and the blindfold that was too small for Shifty.

“Now,” Lugosi continued, “your question, Congresswoman Waters.”

“Impeach fawty-fie,” Waters said.

“We’re running short of time,” Lugosi said, “so I’ll give the panelists a hint. The last part of our celebrity guest’s designation is ‘blower’.”

“Ooo, ooo,” AOCC said, “did our celebrity guest work in the Clinton White House?”

“Join us next week,” Lugosi said, “for our next episode, when our mystery celebrity guest will be from Crimea.”

“That reminds me,” Waters said angrily, “what is that traitor Big D doing to stop the dictator Kim of North Crimea from nuking China or sinking Guam?”

“Good night, folks,” Lugosi said.

Published in Humor
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There are 14 comments.

  1. She Thatcher
    She

    MichaelHenry: As low man on Big D’s lawyer totem pole . . .

    Triggered. Cultural appropriation (I’m a knitter, who can blame me?) Can’t proceed. Currently stuck in the corner, like the roomba, unable to proceed.

    • #1
    • October 10, 2019, at 1:10 PM PST
    • 3 likes
  2. Western Chauvinist Member

    MichaelHenry: “First, we have Adam “Shifty” Shiftless, chairman of the House Intelligence Committee and leader of the House Protuberant Eyes Caucus (HPEC).”

    Thank you! Everyone has been mislabeling him as “pencil neck.” C’mon people, how can you miss the Protuberant Eyes??!

    • #2
    • October 10, 2019, at 1:23 PM PST
    • 4 likes
  3. Mark Camp Member

    Worth the wait. Don’t be a stranger, starting now.

    • #3
    • October 10, 2019, at 1:50 PM PST
    • 3 likes
  4. Samuel Block Member

    Western Chauvinist (View Comment):

    MichaelHenry: “First, we have Adam “Shifty” Shiftless, chairman of the House Intelligence Committee and leader of the House Protuberant Eyes Caucus (HPEC).”

    Thank you! Everyone has been mislabeling him as “pencil neck.” C’mon people, how can you miss the Protuberant Eyes??!

    It’s true. One look at his eyes while he speaks would probably drive any sane person to the conclusion I came to: dude’s a villain.

    • #4
    • October 10, 2019, at 5:44 PM PST
    • 3 likes
  5. tigerlily Member

    Why would Mensa ever hold a convocation in Washington D. C.? This just means that every Mensa member has to travel to get there.

    • #5
    • October 10, 2019, at 6:35 PM PST
    • 8 likes
  6. Mark Camp Member

    tigerlily (View Comment):

    Why would Mensa ever hold a convocation in Washington D. C.? This just means that every Mensa member has to travel to get there.

    had to read that twice to get it.

    and the answer to your next question is “no, but that’s because I never applied, maybe.”

    • #6
    • October 10, 2019, at 6:58 PM PST
    • 4 likes
  7. Arahant Member

    Good to see you, Michael. I’ve been thinking about you. I need to get back to reading your books. What have you been up to?

    • #7
    • October 10, 2019, at 9:22 PM PST
    • 3 likes
  8. MichaelHenry Contributor
    MichaelHenry Post author

    Hey, Charlie: Published 5 STAR, my 10th novel, in May. Been a bum ever since. Turning 70 in November, the first birthday that has caused me some angst. I guess it’s because at 70, I feel myself enduring a slow-motion disappearance into irrelevance. I know these are selfish thoughts, because I’ve been very fortunate with family, friends, health, and work. Currently trying to figure out what to do next. I’ve got an idea for a new book, but don’t yet have the fire in the belly to start. I’ve enjoyed reading your poetry and your group writing stuff. Hope your health is good. I see 7 Ricochetti have unfollowed me after WHAT’S MY LYIN’. I hope it’s Democracks that I offended or disappointed. Michael

    • #8
    • October 11, 2019, at 4:40 AM PST
    • 8 likes
  9. Arahant Member

    MichaelHenry (View Comment):
    I see 7 Ricochetti have unfollowed me after WHAT’S MY LYIN’.

    That has to be a new high. 😉

    • #9
    • October 11, 2019, at 5:04 AM PST
    • 2 likes
  10. Western Chauvinist Member

    MichaelHenry (View Comment):

    Hey, Charlie: Published 5 STAR, my 10th novel, in May. Been a bum ever since. Turning 70 in November, the first birthday that has caused me some angst. I guess it’s because at 70, I feel myself enduring a slow-motion disappearance into irrelevance. I know these are selfish thoughts, because I’ve been very fortunate with family, friends, health, and work. Currently trying to figure out what to do next. I’ve got an idea for a new book, but don’t yet have the fire in the belly to start. I’ve enjoyed reading your poetry and your group writing stuff. Hope your health is good. I see 7 Ricochetti have unfollowed me after WHAT’S MY LYIN’. I hope it’s Democracks that I offended or disappointed. Michael

    I’ve been told (by my older siblings) 70 is the new 50. Good to see you here, Michael. Keep up the good work.

    • #10
    • October 11, 2019, at 7:40 AM PST
    • 2 likes
  11. She Thatcher
    She

    Western Chauvinist (View Comment):
    I’ve been told (by my older siblings) 70 is the new 50.

    The closer I get to it, the more I subscribe to it.

    • #11
    • October 11, 2019, at 7:41 AM PST
    • 5 likes
  12. Arahant Member

    Western Chauvinist (View Comment):
    I’ve been told (by my older siblings) 70 is the new 50.

    Well, I survived 50.

    • #12
    • October 11, 2019, at 7:42 AM PST
    • 4 likes
  13. Mark Camp Member

    Arahant (View Comment):

    MichaelHenry (View Comment):
    I see 7 Ricochetti have unfollowed me after WHAT’S MY LYIN’.

    That has to be a new high. 😉

    I trust that no one has actually unfollowed Michael!

    I see that there appears to be a data field in the article header reading “7 UNFOLLOW”*. This could have been the source of Michael’s impression?

     

     * * * * * * * *

    *What appears to be a text field is actually a text field and a button. The text field actually contains the number of people who are following the article. The designer forgot to put a label the field. The button is there to allow the present user to unfollow the article. The designer forgot to make it appear graphically as a command, and compounded the two errors by positioning the two fields so that the button appears to be the missing label for the text field. 

    Most if not all Ricocheteers are initially trapped (and distressed!) by this combination of three bugs. Eventually, some friendly fellow-sufferer lets most of us know what the designer intended.)

    • #13
    • October 11, 2019, at 8:24 AM PST
    • 2 likes
  14. SkipSul Moderator

    Welcome Back! We’ve needed the humorists around here of late.

    • #14
    • October 11, 2019, at 2:08 PM PST
    • 6 likes