Nation’s Music Ministers Yet Again Downcast When Jesus’ Wondrous Love Fails to Lift Dreadful Curse of Daylight Saving Time

 

The classic American hymn “Wondrous Love,” first published in 1811 during the second Great Awakening, proclaims, “What wondrous love is this, / That caused the Lord of bliss / To bear the dreadful curse / For my soul.” The nation’s music ministers awoke this morning once more disappointed to discover that the dreadful curse Jesus bears for us so we don’t have to doesn’t include Daylight Saving Time.

“‘Wondrous Love’ is a great Lenten hymn,” mumbled Elmer Morgan, organist at Parkhurst Methodist, over his fourth cup of coffee, “So it’s always disheartening to realize Lent after Lent that Jesus’ wondrous love doesn’t extend to lifting the curse of Daylight Saving Time from our souls.” Down the street at Spiritstone Reformed, the worship band reportedly slammed multiple energy drinks before the main service, noting forlornly that no outpouring of the Holy Spirit had made up for that one lost hour of sleep. Only bassist Chas Tietze abstained from energy-drink consumption, “But that’s only because,” drummer Mark Lorenzo observed, “He can play these sets in his sleep, and frequently does.”

Many pastors urged their congregations to look upon DST as yet another Lenten discipline. This has not escaped the notice of SHAZAM (Secular Humanists of America Zealously Against Morality), an organization bringing suit to claim that DST inappropriately establishes religion by imposing Lenten penance upon Americans regardless of creed. “It’s irrational to claim daylight can be ‘saved’ anyhow,” remarked secular humanist Patrice Whitehead, “So we’re petitioning to have the time change abolished entirely. Failing that,” she chortled, “We hope to at least push the time change back to its old dates, when it was more likely to trip Christians up by happening on Easter weekend rather than toward the beginning of Lent.”

In Salt Lake City, Utah, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir regretted the time change’s effect on its massive soprano section. “Every year on this Sunday, the sopranos are flat. Coffee isn’t an option for us, and other schemes, such as letting ferrets loose in the choir loft, routinely get shot down by church elders,” reported one Tabernacle tenor. He added, “Should the ferrets ever be approved, I will be happy to provide them.”

Meanwhile, churches all across Arizona reported a stunning outpouring of the Holy Spirit this morning. “Ineffable is how I would describe it,” remarked the pianist at Scottsdale’s Bethany Grove Chapel. “God’s Spirit is a wind that blows wherever it will, and today, it’s through Arizona.”

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  1. The Great Adventure! Inactive
    The Great Adventure!
    @TheGreatAdventure

    Doug Watt (View Comment):

    Arizonans aren’t to concerned with what the rest of the residents of the other States do, or think. There are 36 species of rattlesnakes, 13 of them are found in Arizona, more than any other State. Avoiding what will bite, or stab and sting you is the first priority on the list. Daylight Savings Time isn’t on our list. To be quite honest most of us aren’t even sure that most residents in the other 49 States can even read an analog watch, or clock.

    Meh. Tell your story to the Aussies – see how much sympathy that generates. 😉

    • #31
  2. Randy Webster Member
    Randy Webster
    @RandyWebster

    “Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.”  Douglas Adams

    • #32
  3. Henry Racette Member
    Henry Racette
    @HenryRacette

    SParker (View Comment):

    Henry Racette (View Comment):

    Randy Webster (View Comment):

    I don’t know if they still do, but Indiana used to do DST by county. If you were driving through Indiana, it was impossible to know what time it was.

    Didn’t Heisenberg suggest that was true of pretty much all of us?

    To be pedantic: Heisenberg says you can know you’re somewhere in Indiana OR how fast you’re going and in what direction, but not both at the same time, “the same time” being somewhat problematic given that you might be driving through Indiana under DST. Most prefer the weaker case of the principle: If you find yourself driving through Indiana, it’s because you probably don’t know what time it is, or much of anything else. Harsh on Hoosiers, but that’s Science for you.

    Thanks. I haven’t looked it up since… well, for several decades, but I thought Heisenberg spoke about location and momentum. Since momentum is the product of mass and velocity, I don’t recall if he was suggesting that, having established the location, you couldn’t determine the velocity or couldn’t determine the mass — or if the ambiguity could be in either of those two quantities.

    But I’m not going to look it up, and so will remain uncertain about Heisenberg’s Principle.

    • #33
  4. Full Size Tabby Member
    Full Size Tabby
    @FullSizeTabby

    Midget Faded Rattlesnake: Many pastors urged their congregations to look upon DST as yet another Lenten discipline. This has not escaped the notice of SHAZAM (Secular Humanists of America Zealously Against Morality), an organization bringing suit to claim that DST inappropriately establishes religion by imposing Lenten penance upon Americans regardless of creed. “It’s irrational to claim daylight can be ‘saved’ anyhow,” remarked secular humanist Patrice Whitehead, “So we’re petitioning to have the time change abolished entirely. Failing that,” she chortled, “We hope to at least push the time change back to its old dates, when it was more likely to trip Christians up by happening on Easter weekend rather than toward the beginning of Lent.”

    Yes, that was always exciting, and the music directors really had reason to be grumpy! We usually have extra music for Easter, so we need to start warm-ups earlier than usual that morning. To throw a time change on top of that was cruel.

    Also, the people who attend church at Christmas and Easter only looking very confused as they walk into the sanctuary 45 minutes after worship started (thinking they were 15 minutes early).

    • #34
  5. Full Size Tabby Member
    Full Size Tabby
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    Paul Erickson (View Comment):

    Full Size Tabby (View Comment):

    Randy Webster (View Comment):

    I don’t know if they still do, but Indiana used to do DST by county. If you were driving through Indiana, it was impossible to know what time it was.

    I once (1999, so before cell phones with their automatic time zone settings) had a job interview in Elkhart the Monday after the time change. I had a terrible time making sure I knew what time it was so I would be on time for the interview.

    I had flown in from California into Kalamazoo, Michigan, so the clock on the rental car was on Michigan time (I assumed, but at the time Michigan did something different with DST too). I had heard that Northwest Indiana (Gary) did something different with DST than did the area around Elkhart. I couldn’t rely on the times I heard on the radio in the car, as the radio stations I was picking up in car could be broadcasting from Michigan, from Chicago (different time zone from Elkhart), from Gary (may or may not have been a different time zone), or from Elkhart. I couldn’t count on the public clocks in the hotel or in restaurants, since it was the day of the change and they might not have been changed.

    Did you get there at the right time? More important, did you get the job? Don’t leave us hanging like this!

    I did get there at the right time. I did not get the job, which was probably the right decision. Shortly thereafter I took a job in Rochester, NY that ended up working well for us for 18 years.

    • #35
  6. Postmodern Hoplite Coolidge
    Postmodern Hoplite
    @PostmodernHoplite

    Comment deleted (redundant)

    • #36
  7. Joseph Stanko Coolidge
    Joseph Stanko
    @JosephStanko

    Henry Racette (View Comment):
    But I’m not going to look it up, and so will remain uncertain about Heisenberg’s Principle.

    I thought Heisenberg’s Principle was a recipe for making blue meth, but that may have been a different Heisenberg.

    • #37
  8. Joseph Stanko Coolidge
    Joseph Stanko
    @JosephStanko

    • #38
  9. Randy Webster Member
    Randy Webster
    @RandyWebster

    I was going to do a joke about Heisenberg’s Principal, but decided I couldn’t make it work.

    • #39
  10. Joseph Stanko Coolidge
    Joseph Stanko
    @JosephStanko

    Randy Webster (View Comment):

    I was going to do a joke about Heisenberg’s Principal, but decided I couldn’t make it work.

    Ooh, that’s good, b/c Walter White started out as a teacher!  Something about Heisenberg’s Principal caught him in the science lab making meth… c’mon people, we can crowdsource this joke!

    • #40
  11. La Tapada Member
    La Tapada
    @LaTapada

    At our Anglican church, in the traditional service, we chanted the Great Litany, which took up four full pages of the service bulletin. It was quite an undertaking for a 9am service on the Sunday of the time change.

    We arrived 45 minutes early because my husband is in the choir. I sat alone in the sanctuary listening to the choir practice the litany:

    “♪ From all false doctrine, ♪ heresy ♪ and schism; ♪ from hardness of heart ♪ and contempt of your Word ♪ and commandments, ♪”

    “♪ Good Lord, deliver us. ♪”

    As they practiced, the pastor came up the center aisle, chanting (in good humor):

    “♪  From sopranos ♪  who go flat ♪  on a high C ♪ “

    “♪ Good Lord, deliver us. ♪”

    • #41
  12. La Tapada Member
    La Tapada
    @LaTapada

    La Tapada (View Comment):

    At our Anglican church, in the traditional service, we chanted the Great Litany, which took up four full pages of the service bulletin. It was quite an undertaking for a 9am service on the Sunday of the time change.

    We arrived 45 minutes early because my husband is in the choir. I sat alone in the sanctuary listening to the choir practice the litany:

    “♪ From all false doctrine, ♪ heresy ♪ and schism; ♪ from hardness of heart ♪ and contempt of your Word ♪ and commandments, ♪”

    “♪ Good Lord, deliver us. ♪”

    As they practiced, the pastor came up the center aisle, chanting (in good humor):

    “♪ From sopranos ♪ who go flat ♪ on a high C ♪ “

    “♪ Good Lord, deliver us. ♪”

    My husband now tells me (I couldn’t hear it) that the choir director chanted back:

    “♪ From ♪ interfering rectors ♪ “

    “♪ Good Lord, deliver us. ♪”

    • #42
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