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Nation’s Music Ministers Yet Again Downcast When Jesus’ Wondrous Love Fails to Lift Dreadful Curse of Daylight Saving Time
The classic American hymn “Wondrous Love,” first published in 1811 during the second Great Awakening, proclaims, “What wondrous love is this, / That caused the Lord of bliss / To bear the dreadful curse / For my soul.” The nation’s music ministers awoke this morning once more disappointed to discover that the dreadful curse Jesus bears for us so we don’t have to doesn’t include Daylight Saving Time.
“‘Wondrous Love’ is a great Lenten hymn,” mumbled Elmer Morgan, organist at Parkhurst Methodist, over his fourth cup of coffee, “So it’s always disheartening to realize Lent after Lent that Jesus’ wondrous love doesn’t extend to lifting the curse of Daylight Saving Time from our souls.” Down the street at Spiritstone Reformed, the worship band reportedly slammed multiple energy drinks before the main service, noting forlornly that no outpouring of the Holy Spirit had made up for that one lost hour of sleep. Only bassist Chas Tietze abstained from energy-drink consumption, “But that’s only because,” drummer Mark Lorenzo observed, “He can play these sets in his sleep, and frequently does.”
Many pastors urged their congregations to look upon DST as yet another Lenten discipline. This has not escaped the notice of SHAZAM (Secular Humanists of America Zealously Against Morality), an organization bringing suit to claim that DST inappropriately establishes religion by imposing Lenten penance upon Americans regardless of creed. “It’s irrational to claim daylight can be ‘saved’ anyhow,” remarked secular humanist Patrice Whitehead, “So we’re petitioning to have the time change abolished entirely. Failing that,” she chortled, “We hope to at least push the time change back to its old dates, when it was more likely to trip Christians up by happening on Easter weekend rather than toward the beginning of Lent.”
In Salt Lake City, Utah, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir regretted the time change’s effect on its massive soprano section. “Every year on this Sunday, the sopranos are flat. Coffee isn’t an option for us, and other schemes, such as letting ferrets loose in the choir loft, routinely get shot down by church elders,” reported one Tabernacle tenor. He added, “Should the ferrets ever be approved, I will be happy to provide them.”
Meanwhile, churches all across Arizona reported a stunning outpouring of the Holy Spirit this morning. “Ineffable is how I would describe it,” remarked the pianist at Scottsdale’s Bethany Grove Chapel. “God’s Spirit is a wind that blows wherever it will, and today, it’s through Arizona.”
Published in Humor
If God had wanted daylight savings time, he would have made the sun jump ahead across the sky.
Huh. Sopranos in my choir are ALWAYS flat. Every anthem is a pitch battle.
I suppose it is important that today is Forgiveness Sunday this year. Which is good because without that mandatory offering of forgiveness, I’d be holding one massive grudge. In the meantime, I’ll be seeking one massive nap.
Well played, sir, well played.
Have you tried ferrets yet?
Who are you to say that he doesn’t?
Hey, Midge! Well, let me just say, NO ONE is saving me from this curse. Drat.
No. I think there’s something about that in the Methodist Book of Discipline. I just moved them in front of the basses so they would quit singing the tenor line.
I figured Midge meant that the sopranos would reach higher notes if they were being bitten by ferrets.
I like the time changes. They keep me on my toes.
STONE HIM!
This brightens the tone quality and vowel color, but alas, does not improve pitch.
He might be doing that, but if so, DST gets us up *two* hours earlier :-(
I don’t know. I figure I’d be pretty high-pitched if I were being bitten by ferrets.
I don’t know if they still do, but Indiana used to do DST by county. If you were driving through Indiana, it was impossible to know what time it was.
Didn’t Heisenberg suggest that was true of pretty much all of us?
I think that was Chicago.
But does anybody care?
Do you know why basses sing the tenor line two octaves down?
Because they can.
Lifted from the Babylon Bee?
Again, this is something that DST doesn’t change for me.
Ricochet is no place for such sacrilege!
I once (1999, so before cell phones with their automatic time zone settings) had a job interview in Elkhart the Monday after the time change. I had a terrible time making sure I knew what time it was so I would be on time for the interview.
I had flown in from California into Kalamazoo, Michigan, so the clock on the rental car was on Michigan time (I assumed, but at the time Michigan did something different with DST too). I had heard that Northwest Indiana (Gary) did something different with DST than did the area around Elkhart. I couldn’t rely on the times I heard on the radio in the car, as the radio stations I was picking up in car could be broadcasting from Michigan, from Chicago (different time zone from Elkhart), from Gary (may or may not have been a different time zone), or from Elkhart. I couldn’t count on the public clocks in the hotel or in restaurants, since it was the day of the change and they might not have been changed.
Did you get there at the right time? More important, did you get the job? Don’t leave us hanging like this!
As a Chicagoan I can set the record straight. For many years Indiana was one of the states that did not change time, so half the year they were on Chicago time (CST) and half the year they were on Michigan time (EST). Except for Porter and Lake counties in NW Indiana, which had the good sense to change with Chicago. I believe there were one or two counties in extreme SW Indiana that also changed with Illinois. But that all ended about 10 years ago or so when they decided to tick off the farmers and go with DST like their neighbors. NW Indiana is still on Central Time (now CDT), the rest of the state is on Eastern Time (now EDT). Versteh?
To be pedantic: Heisenberg says you can know you’re somewhere in Indiana OR how fast you’re going and in what direction, but not both at the same time, “the same time” being somewhat problematic given that you might be driving through Indiana under DST. Most prefer the weaker case of the principle: If you find yourself driving through Indiana, it’s because you probably don’t know what time it is, or much of anything else. Harsh on Hoosiers, but that’s Science for you.
Cows and chickens did not care what our clocks said. Twelve hours after the previous milking/feeding/whatever, our animals expected our attention. So DST was really annoying on the farm. I still don’t really like it. Maybe I should move to Arizona.
This is a fantastic contribution, @midge! And you guys with your Chicago…the city…the music…references–I LOVE you crazy bunch of people here on Ricochet!! You have some great thought processes.
You don’t know that. Maybe they were just being contrarian.
Arizonans aren’t too concerned with what the rest of the residents of the other States do, or think. There are 36 species of rattlesnakes, 13 of them are found in Arizona, more than any other State. Avoiding what will bite, or stab and sting you is the first priority on the list. Daylight Savings Time isn’t on our list. To be quite honest most of us aren’t even sure that most residents in the other 49 States can even read an analog watch, or clock.