“Before a man will take a path that leads to a well, you must first teach him the meaning of thirst.” — Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Having worked many years attempting to help those with mental health, addiction, and family issues, the above words have, over time, penetrated my bones.

When you begin to work in the field of “helping others,” you will take for granted that the person you care about wants nothing more than to reach that rejuvenating well –representing recovery from alcoholism or drug addiction, release from depression, freedom from a toxic social or family environment, retreat from a life that revolves around physical pleasure and material things, an end to homelessness, or increased independence overall. But if the person you want to help lacks a desire to truly change (verbal declarations of a willingness to change notwithstanding), you may as well be talking to the wall.

Creating change is not just a problem for the person in distress; it’s equally, if not more of a problem for the caregiver, family member, or friend who wishes to see a change in the other person. The frustration of seeing someone you love stuck in a self-destructive rut is close to unbearable.

So how do you teach someone the meaning of thirst, instill in that person a desire for change? I do not think, except in rare cases, that one person alone can change another. Let me go out on a limb and say that 90 percent (or more) of psychotherapy sessions, in my humble opinion, are a waste of time. I realize psychotherapy is sometimes helpful to some people but, more often than not, it is an exercise in narcissistic self-indulgence encouraged by the therapist. I also do not think that a family member or friend on their own, in the vast majority of cases, can bring about a fundamental change in the life of the one they love.

Before going further, I hereby solicit your story of bringing about or witnessing a major change in another person — or in yourself. How did it happen? Was a support group involved or was it an individual effort? Last but not least, was the change inspired by a spiritual awakening of some kind?

Let me reiterate that it’s my impression, after working in this field for many years, that psychotherapy seldom changes anyone. However, research has shown that if there is one factor that can lead to a positive outcome from one-on-one talk therapy or counseling, it’s the quality of the relationship between the counselor and the one seeking help. Take all your therapeutic theories and techniques and throw them in the discard pile. It’s the relationship that counts.

Based on my experience, however, I have found that the most effective, if not the only way to help the average person change is by connecting that person with a group of people with a similar issue, be it alcoholism, drug addiction, obsession with food, sex, or gambling, life after divorce, grief over the death of a loved one, family dysfunction, childhood abuse, post-traumatic stress, or manic depression. Typically, the leader of a successful group is not a detached psychologist but someone who has been through experiences that match those of the other group members.

The best example of this is the 12-step program for alcoholics or drug addicts. If you want to be inspired, I urge you to attend a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), the original 12-step group. The struggles of alcoholics and other addicts will be familiar to you, I promise, since everyone is afflicted by an addiction of some kind. (Note: if you are reading this, you are probably addicted to the Internet to one degree or another; I know I am.) Twelve-step meetings are mainly composed of people standing up and telling their stories. You cannot help but gather strength and feel renewed by the amazing tales of recovery that you hear. AA groups are everywhere — probably in your neighborhood, too, as a quick Internet search will reveal.

Yet a 12-step group is more than a group of individuals spilling their guts; it’s a fellowship, too. Group members become friends and build up their lives together. Online groups or communities may serve a similar function, although contact with group members in the flesh is far more rewarding.

Some have criticized AA for being a cult. This accusation stems in part from the spiritual basis to recovery that is advanced in the AA program for change. Five of the 12 steps invoke G-d explicitly and another step mentions “a Power greater than ourselves.”

(Perhaps step three, if truly internalized, is the most life-changing: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of G-d as we understood Him.”)

Let me say here that AA does not fit the definition of a cult for several reasons: there is no guru or leader revered as someone who is closer to the truth than anyone else, money is not solicited nor is a fee charged to attend meetings, anonymity is mandatory, and people are free to come and go, with no stigma attached to those who choose to leave the group.

AA is the clearest demonstration of a starkly ironic truth about human beings: the best way to help yourself is by helping someone else. But helping others is not just for self-improvement. It is a basic human need. When this need is unmet or suppressed, life becomes a burdensome ordeal.

AA was founded in 1935 and grew out of a partnership between Bill Wilson and Bob Smith. Their first meeting would serve as a paradigm for the mentoring relationship that is at the core of AA’s success. Wilson, who had achieved sobriety after a long struggle, had just completed an unsuccessful business trip in Akron, OH, and suddenly felt that the only way he could keep himself from drinking was to help a fellow alcoholic. Wilson, after frantically calling a number of churches, finally located Bob Smith. Wilson shared his story of recovery with Smith and soon Smith would himself become sober and stay that way for the rest of his life.

Wilson’s encounter with Smith set the precedent for AA sponsorship. What happens is that a new member of the group still in the throes of substance abuse or barely sober will connect with a sponsor, someone who has been sober for an extended period of time. Ideally, the sponsor will meet personally with the newcomer once a week and serve as a guide along the path to sobriety. More importantly, the sponsor is available 24/7 to the mentored alcoholic or addict.

The key to the sponsorship relationship is that it is as crucial to the continuing sobriety of the sponsor as it is to the success of the newly sober individual.

A critical lesson taught by AA is that alcoholism, like every other addictive or mental health disorder, is a lifetime proposition. You cannot be cured. The best you can do is learn how to manage your condition. A few days before his death, after not having taken a drink in decades, Bill Wilson, the founder of AA, begged his nurse for whiskey. Recovery is not complete until the day you die.

Recovery through interaction with a group is not limited to alcoholism or addictive disorders. I recently witnessed two remarkable recoveries from manic depression and each of them happened in a group setting. Imagine a young man walking the streets of a major city making offensive remarks to strangers and being picked up by the police on several occasions. Less than a year later, that young man is a full-time student and is engaged to be married. Or consider a young woman in a mental hospital tied down with restraints, able to navigate life in a reasonable fashion two years later with an admiring boyfriend in tow. Both of these success stories happened after the protagonists attached themselves to groups of people with similar struggles.

Teaching someone the meaning of thirst means giving up on being the teacher. Instead, if at all possible, have your loved one make contact with a fellowship of people who will gladly take this mentoring task upon themselves. These will be individuals who finally realized they lacked something, developed a thirst for it and now, having already traveled a distance to find it, want to take others with them along the way.

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I am most curious about success stories in this arena, for the edification of myself and others, and therefore, as I stated at the outset, would love to hear your story of bringing about or witnessing a major change in another person — or in yourself. How did it happen? Was a support group involved or was it an individual effort? Last but not least, was the change inspired by a spiritual awakening of some kind?