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Sustaining Love
In a recent essay by Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, he quoted David Brooks (yes, that David Brooks as far as I can tell) on the way a person maintains his or her love for another. Brooks said:
My favourite definition of commitment is falling in love with something and then building a structure of behavior around it for the moment when love falters. [Italics by R. Sacks]
I was moved by this practical and profound observation. It reminds me of those times when young people ask me when they’ll be able to stop working so hard at the relationship with a significant other, and I answer, “Never.” Personally, I would not use the word “work,” because that commitment comes out of devotion and dedication, not out of obligation. But in life, love can falter or be challenged, and we must decide whether or not we are in for the long haul.
Some of the commitment can be demanding. My husband has a condition that requires him to cough. As his condition worsens, his coughing is more frequent. The common area in our home is tile and we have twelve-foot ceilings. I flat out told him one day that if he was worried about my tolerating his cough, he needed to know he wasn’t getting rid of me that easily. I was there for the duration. He also tells me he will outlive me; knowing how stubborn he can be, he might very well do that! (For those of you who love to help, his condition is bronchiectasis, is not treatable and its cause is uncertain.)
But love does not rest on one vow or statement of commitment. It is sustained by our behavior in our everyday lives. Both of us do many things every day to re-commit to our love, in addition to saying thank you for small acts, and stating our love for each other.
Jerry has decided he loves to cook, so he usually makes dinner. He says I’m no longer trustworthy (not true!) in sorting and doing the laundry, so he’s now doing that.(It’s hard to argue since his folding is a work of art.)
I plan the menu for the week so we generally know what items to shop for, and I will often be his sous chef (when he lets me in the kitchen). We both set up for dinner and breakfast, and we fight over who will turn down the bedcovers for that evening; we finally agreed that they couldn’t be turned down before 5pm. Otherwise, in trying to beat the other one to the task, they might be turned down after lunch!
There are many other caring things we do. We respect each other’s time; we keep our agreements with each other; we accommodate each other.
We behave as if we love each other.
Because we do.
Published in Culture
I keep thinking about @iwe‘s comment: I didn’t care for Sacks’ piece. I don’t understand why everyone assumes love falters or fades.
I’m curious to know if others think that love falters or fades, or is challenged. Is it just my impression, even though I have been fortunate in this regard?
I have not read the piece in question, Susan, and I have little experience with what I am going to say, never have been married. But I have recently experienced a feeling of Love, quite late in life, and it has faded.
I think it is inevitable, unless the people behave as you and Jerry have. As with anything worthwhile, it seems to be me that it needs tending. If the TLC is missing, a falling away is bound to occur, as happened to me.
I’ve often mentioned that I really enjoy listening to Ben Shapiro. He talks about his better half quite often, kidding the audience by asking of they know she is a doctor? I doubt their Love will ever fade, because they tend to it. They support each other, as much as possible. He says that the passion subsides but it turns into what he calls “companionable Love”. We could all learn a lot from this brilliant young man, as I have.
What fades is the fireworks, maybe, not necessarily the love. Maintaining the fireworks is work after about three or four years (in my experience).
I don’t disagree, RA. I’m thinking of all the people who claim to be in unhappy marriages, or who end up getting a divorce. Maybe the reasons are other than the love fading.
They stop working at it. Arranged marriages work somehow. It is because the people are committed to working it out. The biggest poison today, if you ask me, is the idea that being happy is the goal of life. That is crap. The idea that we only get fullfillment through work is also crap.
What makes it work is both people putting the marriage first.
Brian, if being a happy, productive citizen is “crap,” what are you looking for out of life?
I know Brian will give his answer, but I wanted to jump in. A goal in life doesn’t need to be “happiness.” When we do the things we love, are helpful to others, love our spouses, do meaningful work, read good books, learn new things–all those things lead to the outcome of happiness. That’s my experience. And lecturing you on parentheses, too.
So it sounds like love doesn’t necessarily play a role in that process? I can at least say for myself that my love for my husband makes it more enjoyable to work at the marriage.
Love is work. Loving ourselves is hard enough. To love another bag of snakes is even harder.
It is also the most rewarding work we can do.
As far as goals, my goal is not to be happy, or to find fullfillment only through work, which is the feminist plan. I want to seek joy, and that I get far more from family than work. Is there a need to be productive? Yes. That brings satisfaction. But joy? That comes from more fundamental things. I don’t live to work. I work for my family. I live to be a father and husband.
As far as joy vs. happiness, you can be joyful and sad at the same time. Being happy is a mood. It is transitory. Money and success will not make it last because we habituate to it. Seeking joy, joy in life, joy in what is, what can be enjoyed, in celebration of all creation and our part in it, that is what I want to seek. And I can only have that with love of myself and love of others.
And none of that may make any sense, because it is my own sense of what is holy.
Also, it is BrYan.
I d0n’t want to make too much of this, because it seems like Bryan and I are almost always arguing. I just want to say this about Loving yourself, because I feel strongly about it. You might even say it is my sense of the Holy: I do not Love myself and hope I never will. If you want to say that I respect myself, that is different. Love, to me, should be an outward emotion. I think Loving oneself is just one step toward solipsism, which really seems to be the zeitgeist today.
I also think, as a believer, that the aim of life is constant self-improvement. Loving oneself is the negation of that. We should be preparing ourselves for the next, better world. While we are doing that, we should, of course, strive to be happy. And that is best done by trying to help others to help themselves.
I think we may be using the word differently.
Mark 12:30-31 New International Version (NIV)
30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’[a] 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] There is no commandment greater than these.”
I am using it in that term. Too many people in fact, hold themselves in contempt. They feel they are not worth loving. People very much need to love themselves. Too many do not.
I am just really, really bad in understanding Biblical Verses. So I try to stay away from it. I never did understand Loving your neighbor as yourself. If I was to take a stab at it, I might conclude that the Bible is using Love as to mean respect. If that is true, I think we are saying the same thing.
I know you are also sure that you understand human nature. I don’t agree that most people have contempt for themselves. I understand that you a therapist? Well, the people you see might suffer from that. This is not everyone. Kind of like a policeman who becomes so cynical because he sees people at their worst. I have tremendous respect for policemen, but it doesn’t mean they are psychologists. I think, as I said, that the trouble today is solipsism, not self-contempt.
Again, we will have to agree to disagree. :-)
Contempt is experienced in degrees, from those who despise themselves to those who just dislike themselves. But I’d suggest that there’s no reason to go down that path with Bryan, since love in almost any situation is impossible to precisely define. Unlike you, I do know people who have contempt for themselves; they try to hide it, but it shows up in various ways.
I rather resent you saying I am being cynical because I see people at their worst.
Further, I disagree in strong terms, that what we have to day is genuine love of self across the nation. Square that with the growing suicide rate. So, I am and expert in understanding human nature, as it is my job. And I know what I am talking about, but hey, if you want to say that I am some sort of damaged cynic, and then close it with a smiley face to feel good about yourself, go for it. In fact, follow it up with this:
George Townsend (View Comment):
Geeze man, you really are a piece of work.
George, I just want to call you on this statement. He didn’t say he was sure he understood human nature. And from his many posts, he’s proved that he’s very knowledgeable. And to assume he makes generalizations about people from his experience with his clients is naïve and probably untrue. Please stop drawing conclusions where you don’t have the evidence. Maybe asking questions is a better idea.
Does not matter, I am done here and leaving the thread.
Thank you for the kind words Susan.
I think you misunderstand me, Susan. I did not say I do not know such people. I just don’t think they are the majority. I even brought up the guy I use to look on as a friend. I think a part of him was that he had a sort of contempt for himself. That is rather a strong term, but I could see it being applicable. I always preferred to say that Greg (his name) had an inferiority complex. And it manifested itself in his always trying to convince people he was an expert in everything.
I am sorry, Bryan, that you choose to react the way you do. I was trying to be helpful and also to express myself. You do not like the words I choose, and there choose to lash out at me.
Good night, Bryan. Sleep well.
Bryan didn’t say the following, but George, did it ever occur to you that the first sentence above is insulting, and you follow it with the comment about your friend. Do you not see how Bryan might assume you’re directing those comments at him (especially since your friend was in the same field)? (I’m saying that, not Bryan.)
Boy, this thread went sour quickly.
It shows what can happen when egos get involved, @steveseward. Then again, no one jumped in to get it back on track or to take us in another direction. It’s okay. It had a nice run.
You are full of wisdom. At least you were on Tuesday when you wrote this..
Thanks so much, @thereticulator. At my age, I hope the brain cells aren’t dying too quickly! ;-)
Yes. “In sickness and in health” does not refer to passionate moments.