Who Are These People?

Do you get that impression? You’re listening to a podcast where they’re talking about this minute’s controversy. The podcaster laboriously stakes out a position in the center. “That’s reasonable,” you think. “I disagree but I can see how he’d get to that conclusion.” Then the podcaster goes on to say “Therefore the people who worship Trump as the twelfth Imam are wrong.” Wait, what? These pundits aren’t ever arguing with me, or with someone with an intelligent, nuanced opinion. They’re always arguing with Twitter.

“Don’t read the comments”. That’s the advice that every internet columnist has received since 1995. You only get garbage from the comment section; the internet lets every crazy mask their identity, so they can say mean and awful things to you without consequence. But every columnist needs to get stories somewhere. So they hang out on Twitter, where every crazy can mask their identity and say mean and awful things to them. That makes sense.

Twitter Removes All Nuance

When Twitter debuted many people, myself included, couldn’t understand why you’d limit people to 140 characters. Despite the confusion of us fuddy-duddies, that was the format’s genius. Brevity, as they say (and who is this who says it?) is the soul of wit. If you’re forced to make your joke in that limited space you’re forced to make it punchy. That makes the place ideal for proposing games like #SitcomsBetterWithShatner or #IsActuallyAMuppet.

That punchiness makes it extremely difficult to frame a cogent argument. You can’t marshal supporting evidence, you can’t soften offense, you can’t provide any of your logic, just your conclusion. You might as well debate by waving protest signs at one another. Somehow everyone who argues with you is an idiot; shouting slogans. If you do read long-form disagreements, well, those people are more intelligent because they’re in the pundit class; they’re providing supporting evidence. Which is the effect and which is the cause?

You are what you read. If you want to be able to make intelligent arguments, you have to read intelligent arguments. If you want to grunt like a caveman, you sign up for Twitter. Good news: you’ll get better at making pithy and sharp statements. Bad news: everything else about it is bad for you.

Nothing that Happens on Twitter Matters

This is the whole #OwnTheLibs bit. You’re sharing your dank memes. Great! You’re getting views and retweets and omg IowaHawk liked your tweet! But are you accomplishing anything?

When I was in second grade the teachers (probably to get a moment’s respite) took us out to the soccer field to play Capture the Flag. After the game, she rounded us up and said:

I saw people out there going for the other team’s flag. Good! I saw people out there trying to save teammates [this was a freeze tag variant]. Also good! And I saw people sitting on the line, sticking their toes over and pulling them back saying “you can’t catch me!”. That is not good.

That rankled because I was in that third category. All that kid is doing is preventing one opposing kid from moving around. Since both teams lose an effective player nobody gains. (Being in the lower rungs of any athletic ranking ever, I was probably still providing a net benefit to the team, but it was years before I figured that out.) What’s worse: we never got to play Capture the Flag again, so I could never try the other strategies. That part still rankles.

This is a message for all the Twitter Warriors: the dragon slayers who go out there and flame people they disagree with on Twitter, you’re not getting anywhere. At most you’re distracting other people. At worst you’ll fall afoul of the dreaded Twitter Mob and lose your job. Worth it?

The Tyranny of the Alert

Hold on, before I write this I have to go check my notifications. One new comment to read. Hey, waitaminute, where did my train of thought go? Better hit refresh on those notifications to make sure I’m not missing anything. Now, where was I?

I could dress this argument up with words like neurotransmitter and acetylcholine and classical conditioning but I’d be faking it. This is practical psychology. By which I mean I made it all up, so read with caution.

You’re only ever thinking about one thing at a time. If I’m writing a post in this tab and writing code over there then I’m having to switch gears at least a little passing from one to the next. “Now what was I trying to do here?” If I’m listening to a podcast in the background too then I find I’m missing most of the conversation while I’m writing something, or reading something, or doing anything more complicated than washing dishes. You make anything else you’re doing less effective each time your mind jumps to “ooh, new notification! Let’s see if anyone is talking about me!”

Wanting to be noticed is a fundamental human desire. It covers ballpark streakers looking for their fifteen minutes of fame, obsessive A students, and just about the entire dating market. Strictly from a male perspective if a girl sees you and smiles it lights up your whole day. Notifications play into this.

Getting a like on your comment (or post, hint hint) is a positive experience, you get feedback that people have seen you and like something you’re doing. The problem here is that your modern social media markets refined, partially-hydrogenated fame. Likes can be achieved with minimal effort. You tweet something harsh and a thousand people pat you on the back. Why would you bother doing anything more difficult? This is mental diabetes.

Rumors with a Lightning Quickness

There is one legitimate benefit of Twitter: News travels fast on it. People don’t stop to proofread their tweets. If you’re trying to spread news people can almost instantaneously read, digest, and forward your news. Newspapers scoops have an inordinately short half-life. Gotta get it out there quick or someone will beat you to it.

And therein lies the problem too: When a mass shooting happens you get one story on the first day and another story afterward. Inevitably the second (true) story contradicts the first one in every detail. People rush to get the story out, they publish any rumor they hear, no time for fact-checking, there’s news in the making! If you’re tweeting out “I felt an earthquake just now” that’s fine. You probably felt it. If you’re tweeting out “This is why we need common sense gun control” that’s asinine; there’s no way you have all the details you’d need to make that statement in the twenty-three minutes since shots rang out.

These aren’t the days when it took you a month of sailing before you found out the king was dead (and long live the king!). Even so, the frenetic pace that Twitter enables costs entirely too much accuracy.

Get Off of Twitter

Count it all up. What benefits do you get from Twitter? Jackanapes shouting crude and awful things at you. The inability to have anything like meaningful discourse. The belief that everyone arguing with you is an idiot. The illusion of accomplishment. Straight psychological sugar. News so quick it’s wrong. And the precious opportunity to be a crude, idiotic, perpetually-wrong jackanape yourself.

Why are you still using that thing?