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Conservatives, Common Courtesy, and the Gender Police
Transgender issues seem to be a tricky thing for many conservatives. (And it’s only going to get worse.) For example, a conservative told me the other day that “Misgendering is not a thing.” If you’re not hip to the lingo, misgendering is when you call someone by a gender label other than what they identify as. Like, if you call a lady “sir.” And it can be done accidentally or on purpose. People who care about transgender issues tend to (rightly so) get worked up about it, especially when it is done intentionally.
They also get worked up about “deadnaming.” That’s when you refer to a person who has transitioned by their pre-transition name. I see both misgendering and deadnaming occur here regularly on Ricochet anytime someone brings up Caitlyn Jenner. You may not realize it, but both intentional deadnaming and misgendering are insensitive at best and offensive at worse.
Now, I understand why conservatives do this. They’re taking a stand to preserve what they see as objective reality. If you have a penis, you’re a man, after all. To deny that damages reality or something, so it must stop here and now. This far and no further. Ils ne passeront pas!
Yeah, okay. I could try to explain the difference between sex and gender, but that tends to fall on deaf ears among many conservatives. So let me pose a question to those who believe such: Who made you the gender police?
For those of you taking this stand, I suspect you don’t really want the job of being the gender police, because at the end of the day the only way to know for sure is to reach into someone’s pants and check.
Now, I don’t deny that minding everyone else’s business is a time-honored conservative tradition, but it directly conflicts with another equally time-honored and very American tradition: Live and let live. Still another conservative tradition this gender police mindset conflicts with: basic common courtesy.
There aren’t a lot of Freds in the world. There was only one other in my high school. And, unlike me, he wasn’t a Frederick, he was Ferdinand. But he went by Fred, and didn’t much care to be called Ferdinand, so that’s what we called him. This is pretty common. Lots of people go by names other than their birth names. To call someone by their birth name after they’ve expressed a clear preference to the contrary would just be rude. That is what intentional misgendering is: rude. It’s calling someone by the wrong term, even when you know better.
Intentional misgendering is also supremely arrogant. Setting aside transgender people, there’s a non-trivial percentage of people in our daily lives where you can’t easily identify their gender. There are men with gentle features, there are women who look masculine, and there are people who are androgynous in appearance, either by choice or because that’s just how God made them. When I encounter such a person, I stay neutral until I know what pronoun to use with them. The alternative is to flip a coin, take a guess, and make a horse’s ass of yourself if you’re wrong, embarrassing both you and the other person.
Look, you’re welcome to your opinions and far be it for me to stop you from expressing them. That’s not my goal. But when you intentionally misgender someone or deadname them, it’s disrespectful and discourteous. You don’t need to be the one person who tries to push back the tide. You’re not going to make the difference and not enough people care to make your effort worthwhile.
These issues are all in flux right now. It’s still going to be a few years before norms and customs settle down. But in the meantime, it’s no excuse for rudeness and discourtesy to make some kind of quixotic point. You’re better off being civil to people.
Published in General
Science.
I’ve been called Ms. a few times after getting married, but I just say “Oh, it’s Mrs. Snapp.” and get back to the conversation. It’s not like I’m offended though.
I knew a Randi in high school. She was a sweetheart. I also know a few guys named Ashley.
It’s a mini-boomlet. The last few days have seen a couple of somewhat controversial threads which the O/Ps observed from afar.
Most names move in the direction of being used primarily for males to being used by both to being used primarily for females. Names like Tracy and Shannon and Ashley used to be mostly male names. Now they’re not. Sometimes it’s because there are masculine and feminine forms of the same name (Alexander and Alexandra) that both use the same nickname (Alex). Interestingly, it’s extremely rare for a name to migrate in the opposite direction. Once a name is feminine, it stays feminine. So eventually all the names will be for girls.
I knew a couple male Tracys and Shannons as well. :P
I knew a Stacey. His brother was Clint. Compensation with the name of child number two? I don’t know, but they were both pretty cool fellas.
Real name: Leslie
That makes sense. Can’t mess around with those cooties.
These are the people who fart in an elevator and get off at the next floor.
Well, now you know one. I refuse to use a false pronoun, though it has almost never come up other than in posting here at Ricochet.
What you (or Fred) would call “purposefully misgendering someone,” I would call “speaking the truth” and “refusing to adopt Newspeak.”
Amateurs. Every professional knows you fart just as you walk off right when the doors about to close. Timing is everything.
This is incorrect. Transgenderism is what is offensive.
Only guy I know named Leslie is a big tough fella. I suspect being named “Leslie” forced that result.
Son, this world is rough
And if a man’s gonna make it, he’s gotta be tough
And I know I wouldn’t be there to help ya along
So I give ya that name and I said goodbye
I knew you’d have to get tough or die
And it’s the name that helped to make you strong
Which one of these corresponds to a lesbian in a man’s body, which I sometimes suspect I am?
Lesbian Gendervariant Queer?
That’s what I was trying to say. It shouldn’t be a big deal if people don’t use the form of address a person prefers.
In fact, it would be good manners for the transitioning person to ignore it rather than make the other person uncomfortable.
Plenty of anarcho-capitalists are not social and cultural progressives. ‘Liberaltarian’ might be a better term.
I’ve read that all women are lesbians by nature. That is, if all males were to disappear, they would get along just fine sexually. Is that right?
lol… well, we have male surrogates in a variety of fruits and vegetables, so probably. =p
I’m pretty sure that’s something college-age men made up to make parties more interesting.
The problem with mis pronouning people (labeling them other than what they claim or appear from outward appearance), is that you are guessing at what someone’s genitalia looks like. It’s much simpler to just assume they are correct in what they claim to be…..
AltarGirl, you are so naughty. I’m not sure that AltarGirl should be your nom de plume.
…
or to be gracious when someone uses the wrong one.
ha ha. See SQ’s post on names and you’ll know the Altar part wasn’t meant for reference to the God I worship =p
Penthouse Letters doesn’t count as an authoritative source Kent.
Does this mean I was lied to about sorority sleepovers?
It doesn’t? I’ve been using it for years as the authoritative source for all things naughty. (Ed, we may be dating ourselves. Is Penthouse still publishing?)
Yes. Until they disappeared.