Ricochet is the best place on the internet to discuss the issues of the day, either through commenting on posts or writing your own for our active and dynamic community in a fully moderated environment. In addition, the Ricochet Audio Network offers over 50 original podcasts with new episodes released every day.
Conservatives, Common Courtesy, and the Gender Police
Transgender issues seem to be a tricky thing for many conservatives. (And it’s only going to get worse.) For example, a conservative told me the other day that “Misgendering is not a thing.” If you’re not hip to the lingo, misgendering is when you call someone by a gender label other than what they identify as. Like, if you call a lady “sir.” And it can be done accidentally or on purpose. People who care about transgender issues tend to (rightly so) get worked up about it, especially when it is done intentionally.
They also get worked up about “deadnaming.” That’s when you refer to a person who has transitioned by their pre-transition name. I see both misgendering and deadnaming occur here regularly on Ricochet anytime someone brings up Caitlyn Jenner. You may not realize it, but both intentional deadnaming and misgendering are insensitive at best and offensive at worse.
Now, I understand why conservatives do this. They’re taking a stand to preserve what they see as objective reality. If you have a penis, you’re a man, after all. To deny that damages reality or something, so it must stop here and now. This far and no further. Ils ne passeront pas!
Yeah, okay. I could try to explain the difference between sex and gender, but that tends to fall on deaf ears among many conservatives. So let me pose a question to those who believe such: Who made you the gender police?
For those of you taking this stand, I suspect you don’t really want the job of being the gender police, because at the end of the day the only way to know for sure is to reach into someone’s pants and check.
Now, I don’t deny that minding everyone else’s business is a time-honored conservative tradition, but it directly conflicts with another equally time-honored and very American tradition: Live and let live. Still another conservative tradition this gender police mindset conflicts with: basic common courtesy.
There aren’t a lot of Freds in the world. There was only one other in my high school. And, unlike me, he wasn’t a Frederick, he was Ferdinand. But he went by Fred, and didn’t much care to be called Ferdinand, so that’s what we called him. This is pretty common. Lots of people go by names other than their birth names. To call someone by their birth name after they’ve expressed a clear preference to the contrary would just be rude. That is what intentional misgendering is: rude. It’s calling someone by the wrong term, even when you know better.
Intentional misgendering is also supremely arrogant. Setting aside transgender people, there’s a non-trivial percentage of people in our daily lives where you can’t easily identify their gender. There are men with gentle features, there are women who look masculine, and there are people who are androgynous in appearance, either by choice or because that’s just how God made them. When I encounter such a person, I stay neutral until I know what pronoun to use with them. The alternative is to flip a coin, take a guess, and make a horse’s ass of yourself if you’re wrong, embarrassing both you and the other person.
Look, you’re welcome to your opinions and far be it for me to stop you from expressing them. That’s not my goal. But when you intentionally misgender someone or deadname them, it’s disrespectful and discourteous. You don’t need to be the one person who tries to push back the tide. You’re not going to make the difference and not enough people care to make your effort worthwhile.
These issues are all in flux right now. It’s still going to be a few years before norms and customs settle down. But in the meantime, it’s no excuse for rudeness and discourtesy to make some kind of quixotic point. You’re better off being civil to people.
Published in General
Fred’s an anarcho-capitalist. He’s not a conservative.
He is not a Conservative he is a Libertarian and thinks that Conservatives are fine allies on somethings but not everything. He thinks we are way to much into social control. Humans in the natural state without government and aided by freely entered into and enforced contracts will build a wonderful world of shared interests and friendly relations and swords will not be beat into plows but will be unnecessary to use because everyone will recognize our mutual interest in not resorting to violence. Progressives and Conservatives stand in the way of such a wonderful world.
But he is realistic enough to know that generally speaking Libertarians do better with Conservatives, but Social Cons kind of throw things off.
Heh. Watch Outlander sometime. That’s been my perception of men named Jamie since I was a teenager. Wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the case for many women out there. I like it better than Jim and James is one of my favorite names (sorry, Mr Gawron).
Now I had a friend in high school named Lindsay. Now that is a name to get attention…
I noticed that, but didn’t think it too significant since it’s been clear for a long time that Fred is not a conservative, nor does he think much of conservatives.
Because of the visceral reaction against it, in all places, since the beginning of civilization. Maybe ?
Stoning, etc., turns excessive, but reflects an immemorial sense of revulsion.
Ostracism is more civil. Something the left is well practiced in and eager to enforce against conservatives. On that remedy we may agree.
They can live as they like in their own world—as long as they don’t attempt to dominate mine.
Civility is something that goes unnoticed, and has for a long time. Today, who assembles mobs, against whom ?
I did confuse the two. Sorry. I just drank a beer and smoked a joint. I therefore was addled when I wrote that. I’ve got to remember: one or the other, Kent. Not both at the same time.
It is possible to be a culturally-conservative anarcho-capitalist. Not all anarcho-capitalists are, though.
Some cultural conservatives become attracted to anarcho-capitalism because it seems to hold the promise of giving them liberty to create their own small ultra-conservative communities. But these tend to be fairly radical cultural conservatives. A more mainstream cultural conservative also tend to hope to have a conservative-ish mainstream culture, which would obviate the need for such radical free association.
Thank you for clearing that up.
It’s not spaghetti, it’s linguini.
Had to look that up, glad I did!
I think calling someone by a pronoun that conflicts with their chromosomes is untruthful. My lying hurts me , as well as the people around me, including the person who would prefer I lie when I choose the pronoun. One should never risk getting in the habit of lying , but there are ways of being truthful without causing offense. The pronouns “You”, “They” & “Them” are perfectly serviceable when you neither want to lie or cause offense.
Never ask a woman if she is pregnant.
And then there are those illiterates who use “they” as a singular pronoun.
Why are you okay with this?!
Sprechen Ze (politically correct) Newspeak!
My best friend in college was named Kim, the faculty advisor to the film committee was named Lauri, and then department director at my first post-college job was Carol.
All men.
The dentist office I go to has two dentists named Courtney. One is a woman, one is a man.
They should marry.
I didn’t have room to mention: I find it rude and appalling that I’m getting lectured on this topic and told how to behave. Were there legislation being proposed, I’d be lighting the tiki torch and getting ready to storm the castle.
If I want to a rude, cranky old lady who goes against what is decided (today) as polite, I’ll pay the price socially. If there’s a weird looking guy who has a moustache and wears a sundress, it’s only fair that he pays a price as well.
I have a (sort of) family member who, at the age of 7 has decided that he is, in fact, a girl. Name change, tutus, the whole deal.
Don’t think for one minute that Caitlyn Jenner being celebrated for the “courage” exhibited by coming out as a female has not had an impact on culture in general and the young, the impressionable, the confused and the stupid.
Maybe they is pregnant? You works well as a singular pronoun.
Where do we draw the line at condoning, and ignoring mental illness?
How about here?
52 yo Canadian father of 7 lives as transgender 6 year old….
Here’s a link so Fred won’t have to ask.
I have no alcohol to play this game :p
As a side note, “they” used to be an acceptable way to do gender neutral singular in writing to avoid the “he or she”, “he/she”, or the ever smeared gender-neutral generic “he”.
Heh… Actually had a James and Jamie Bush in my high school, unrelated, who did date for a bit…
Six year olds shouldn’t be using pacifiers.
I consider it a basic victory if conservatives stop useing “it” and “tranny”. I think we are way out from that.
Just curious do ask what chromosomes a person may have before addressing them?
Fred I’m with you on the rudeness question and I’m very certain that transgender people have enough to deal with without being mistreated, discriminated against, ostracized or shunned. But I do think the recent assertiveness of transgender activists and their allies has attempted to steamroll over some legitimate interests of other people and has become a bit authoritarian where language is concerned. A couple examples:
My dentist was a Dr. Smiley, and my elementary-school counselor was a Mrs. Smiley. They might’ve been related . . .
Yeah, I know it avoids the “he or she” construction, but I still don’t like it. I’d rather find ways to avoid “he/she” than take the low road of “they.”
:: shudder ::
You often see this kind of usage of “their”:
“Whichever person is chosen will be asked to give their name and address.”
I used to object to that as the illiterate lexical abomination it appears to be. But then I did some digging and discovered that the use of “their” as a singular pronoun to avoid the more cumbersome “his or her” construct dates back to, if I remember correctly, the 17th century — and so I now find myself using it on occasion.
I’m pretty sure people try to get names and pronouns correct. This is not a new problem. When women began keeping their maiden name or hyphenating their maiden and married names, things got confusing. Throw a couple of kids in there, and it got even more confusing. Then add a divorce or two and, wow, it got even worse.
Society went through this transition also when it adopted Ms.: “Do you wish to be called ‘Miss,’ ‘Mrs.,’ or ‘Ms.’?”
Polite society is grappling with the new forms of address, and mistakes will be made for a while. People should not be offended if they are addressed in a way they don’t wish to be.
People transitioning from one gender to another should give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
Truly classy people always put others at ease.
I like the challenge of writing around it:
“If you are chosen you will be asked to give your name and address.”
“Whoever is chosen will be asked to give a name and address.”