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Giving Up the Dream
I finally made the tough decision. I had a dream, and now I’ve let it go. The act leaves me feeling slightly sad and also free. After more than 10 years, I’ve disbanded my meditation group.
This journey was an extension of my dream to be a Zen Buddhist sensei, a seed that began 10 years into my 20-year practice. When it became clear that my Zen teacher thought it was essential to cripple my ego, it was time to leave. But in the meantime, she had encouraged me to start a meditation group when I came to Florida 10 years ago.
In spite of my teacher’s harshness, I still loved Buddhism.
I found another Zen community in North Carolina led by a husband/wife team, where I thought I could work with a teacher and reach my aspirations to be a sensei. My disillusionment was twofold: like so much of Buddhism, the community teachers were politically left and did a poor job of hiding it. And then I finally realized they weren’t interested in my becoming a sensei — two teachers at their Zen Center were enough. I left, bereft.
Now the reality of my pursuing my dream to become a sensei was dissolving. And even my commitment to the larger Buddhist community was splintering. Through all of these difficulties, I realized that my love of G-d had never waned. It was an arduous journey, but through many unpredictable and gratifying encounters, I found my way back to G-d — and Judaism.
Meanwhile, I had adjusted my definition of our meditation group. I removed the Buddha from the little altar. I no longer listed us in the community directory as a Zen meditation group, but only as a meditation group. I still loved meditation and had always appreciated that ironically it deepened my connection to G-d.
But as often happens in life, the group dynamics shifted. It was becoming harder in the current political environment to prevent people from bringing up politics (which I’d always disallowed); naturally, almost all of the participants were politically left. I avoided talking about G-d since most of the people were secular and it seemed foolish to try to find an acceptable substitute for what was so obvious to me. And gradually participation began to fall off.
Now it is true that we live in a 55+ community, where people pursue activities they enjoy. Meditation is not seen as an “activity,” and most people don’t imagine it is something they would enjoy. For those who try it, they don’t have the discipline or drive to pursue it; if it’s not easy, it’s not fun. And of course, we have 200 other clubs people can join in our community. So the meditation group had a lot of competition.
Then again, they may have simply decided not to come because of me, or the person I’d become.
Last Monday one participant attended. Of course, it is summer and the snowbirds are gone. But this is supposed to be a group. The one person who came is a tall black man named Earl; he has attended for many years, frequently talks about how he loves the group and what we do. I will continue to work with him privately since we often discuss spiritual books and ideas.
Tomorrow is the last meeting of the group. I wonder who will come. I wonder what they will say. It’s all good.
But I’ve given up the dream.
And as a side note, the door has fully closed on Zen Buddhism.
^Click^
Published in Religion & Philosophy
Thanks Susan. It was such a quantum leap for me. And now I know it’s possible.
Sorry, I have omphalophobia . . .
Do you?
Sometimes, presentation is everything.
I don’t think that anyone embracing Buddhism is of the belief that they can personally achieve an enlightened state of being on their own. That is why there is instruction on how to properly handle meditation, which is simply prayer. Although there is this difference: some in Buddhism may practice meditation in such a manner that they don’t plead for a desired outcome, but only for acceptance.
Buddhism is a spiritual practice that can be different for each person who practices it. Some people practice Buddhism while still being engaged in a more usual faith such as being a Protestant or a Catholic.
The leadership in all religions tend to promote divisions among people in order to keep hold of their power. The Shinto Buddhist priests of Japan taught that the Catholic missionaries of the 16th Century were devil people. Those missionaries were often arrested and tortured and even killed.
Meanwhile in the same time period, on the “Christian” side of things, you have the Inquisition whose leaders did the same to the “heretics” and Jews.
A Catholic monk I knew once belonged to a monastery where the monks went to Vietnam, during the Vietnam war. There they met their counterparts who were Buddhist monks. This was all done with the approval of their local bishop.
My friend the monk felt that Buddhism in its purest form was identical to Catholicism in its purest form. Few people have the experiences he was allowed, so this artificial concern by Westerners that Buddhists are bad, or from the Eastern perspective, that Christians are lacking, is something artificial. Again this is created by and for the leaders on both sides in order to hold on to power.
Carol, I’m not sure where you learned about Buddhism, but I feel obligated to clarify some misunderstandings you have. Please keep in mind that I practiced in a number of Zen Buddhist communities and familiar with other kinds of Buddhist communities for over 20 years, so this is from firsthand experience.
This comment is a generalization that doesn’t hold, in my experience. It’s not simply prayer, although it can be. In fact, for many Buddhists, prayer is not involved. It can be opening to simple presence and awareness. I have adapted my meditation practice to a Jewish meditation.
Don’t think this is a fair generalization. Differences do arise, but to say that all religious leaders promote divisions is simply not accurate.
I’m baffled by this comment. What is “Catholicism in its purest form?” For starters, Buddhism doesn’t even refer to G-d, a foundational element of Christianity. Could you clarify?
I’m cured! More please! Or something from @mikelaroche . . .
Your first two comments I hold some agreement with. Although I really can’t think of any religions wherein the congregation is not told how they are to receive some benefit that people in another faith will not receive. (Quakers maybe?) There has always been a sorely lacking spirit of ecumenicalism. I am also old enough to remember how intermarriage between Catholics and Protestants was a big deal. A couple needed permission from a Catholic bishop to marry. Also some hurdles between a Christian and a Jew.
Catholicism has its outer structure. And an inner one. So a person can be born Catholic and if the parents are people who see church on Sundays as a social outing, that Catholic child will probably observe the outer forms and protocols of the religion. They will always genuflect before entering the church pew where they sit. They attend Sunday Mass and don’t eat meat on Fridays. (Although I think that last tenet no longer exists.) They know the 10 commandments & various Catholic prayers. Unless some tragedy requires them to have an interaction w/some Higher Power, that might be the most involvement they have.
However some people aren’t as concerned with outer protocols as they are with their inner development &the life of the soul. My friend the monk could have cared less if someone genuflected before entering their pew. He truly wanted to be one with “All That Is” – a concept of God that lacks the persona aspect the Catholic officials installed. In that way his religious life was in the same vein as the Buddhist monks he met.
Thank you. From the deeply spiritual I’ve met, I can see what you’re saying. There’s Thomas Merton, too.
And thank you as well. I truly enjoyed the discussion. I also wanted to mention Thomas Merton, but the 500 words were up.