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Giving Up the Dream
I finally made the tough decision. I had a dream, and now I’ve let it go. The act leaves me feeling slightly sad and also free. After more than 10 years, I’ve disbanded my meditation group.
This journey was an extension of my dream to be a Zen Buddhist sensei, a seed that began 10 years into my 20-year practice. When it became clear that my Zen teacher thought it was essential to cripple my ego, it was time to leave. But in the meantime, she had encouraged me to start a meditation group when I came to Florida 10 years ago.
In spite of my teacher’s harshness, I still loved Buddhism.
I found another Zen community in North Carolina led by a husband/wife team, where I thought I could work with a teacher and reach my aspirations to be a sensei. My disillusionment was twofold: like so much of Buddhism, the community teachers were politically left and did a poor job of hiding it. And then I finally realized they weren’t interested in my becoming a sensei — two teachers at their Zen Center were enough. I left, bereft.
Now the reality of my pursuing my dream to become a sensei was dissolving. And even my commitment to the larger Buddhist community was splintering. Through all of these difficulties, I realized that my love of G-d had never waned. It was an arduous journey, but through many unpredictable and gratifying encounters, I found my way back to G-d — and Judaism.
Meanwhile, I had adjusted my definition of our meditation group. I removed the Buddha from the little altar. I no longer listed us in the community directory as a Zen meditation group, but only as a meditation group. I still loved meditation and had always appreciated that ironically it deepened my connection to G-d.
But as often happens in life, the group dynamics shifted. It was becoming harder in the current political environment to prevent people from bringing up politics (which I’d always disallowed); naturally, almost all of the participants were politically left. I avoided talking about G-d since most of the people were secular and it seemed foolish to try to find an acceptable substitute for what was so obvious to me. And gradually participation began to fall off.
Now it is true that we live in a 55+ community, where people pursue activities they enjoy. Meditation is not seen as an “activity,” and most people don’t imagine it is something they would enjoy. For those who try it, they don’t have the discipline or drive to pursue it; if it’s not easy, it’s not fun. And of course, we have 200 other clubs people can join in our community. So the meditation group had a lot of competition.
Then again, they may have simply decided not to come because of me, or the person I’d become.
Last Monday one participant attended. Of course, it is summer and the snowbirds are gone. But this is supposed to be a group. The one person who came is a tall black man named Earl; he has attended for many years, frequently talks about how he loves the group and what we do. I will continue to work with him privately since we often discuss spiritual books and ideas.
Tomorrow is the last meeting of the group. I wonder who will come. I wonder what they will say. It’s all good.
But I’ve given up the dream.
And as a side note, the door has fully closed on Zen Buddhism.
^Click^
Published in Religion & Philosophy
No worries, @percival. I have an especially nasty grievance against @kentforrester that goes way back. You’re safe.
If anyone is curious, my meditation group met for the last time today. Only two women came. For some reason, my ever-reliable Earl didn’t come; he’s 86 years old, so I worry, and I have a call in to him. Both women were a little teary, but understood and were very kind. I feel sad myself. Mondays will feel weird for a while.
No, no, no–that’s me!!
Thank you for sharing from your heart.
If meditation has failed your group, you may need some mediation.
I don’t understand the value of meditation. When do you ever need to stop thinking deeply to the extent that you need a special time to think deeply?
It’s not about thinking deeply, @skyler. It’s not about thinking at all. It’s about quieting the mind, because so many of us get caught up with our thoughts, obsessing, ruminating, debating, and other non-productive activities. Meditation isn’t easy, because you are training your mind to be still. Most people think their minds will think whatever the mind wants to think, that their thoughts are real rather than conjured up. It’s a great relief when you figure out that you can quiet your mind and choose, at least some of the time, what to think about. Most people will never quiet their minds completely, but some of the time is quite lovely.
THat sounds even less like something I would like. Thinking is what makes me human and my identity. Not thinking negates the value of existence. There will be plenty of time for not thinking after we are dead.
If you believe you are your thoughts, you likely won’t like it. I believe I’m a whole lot more than my thoughts.
Interesting. I find you very fascinating, as always, but I didn’t mean to imply that I am only my thoughts. I don’t cut out my lungs either!
You make me smile, @skyler. Meditation doesn’t appeal to most people, even though you only need to spend 10-15 minutes a day doing it. It’s especially hard for people who are energetic, and I sense that you are.
I like very much that you asked about it. And I’ll bet you’re even more than your lungs and thoughts, too! ;-) Thanks for speaking up.
The fellow who didn’t show up for meditation today is fine. Earl, at 86, gets confused. I look forward to meeting with him one-on-one next week.
Susan, your path to becoming a sensei brought good to those you met along your way. I have a sense that you are a sensei without the “paper.” I don’t know the qualities of a sensei, but I’d guess you have the heart of s sensei.
Some of the senei’s didn’t sound like good models to follow, so maybe you dodged a bullet?
I’m sorry you didn’t reach the ultimate goal, but I’m betting Earl is blessed by you, and the path you have followed.
If you ran the group in Baltimore, I would definitely try it.
I listened to this Econ Talk podcast. When the discussion turned to meditation, I immediately thought of you, Susan. I highly recommend it. I have not read the book, but I suspect you would enjoy that as well.
Susan, several things stuck me on reading your OP. First, I have never heard of anyone not a monk who aspired to be a Zen sensei. I wonder if that goal was tied to your impulse to help others. (You are probably sympathetic to the bodhisattva ideal.) In contrast, it seems that many Zen student are seeking a satori experience—which itself is problematic. Just ask Dogen.
Second, I don’t know what to make of your comment that your teacher tried to “cripple” your ego. The ego is a tricky concept in Buddhism. Again, consider Dogen: “To study Zen is to study the self. To study the self is to forget the self.”
Third, I’m not clear on how one reconciles being a Jew (or any type of theist) and being a Buddhist. I’ve certainly never done it.
Fourth, coincidentally, I recently reread an article from Tricycle on Maezumi Roshi. He is a paradoxical figure: an enlightened Zen master and a deeply flawed man. (From your comment at #10, I was wondering if he was your “root” teacher since (allegedly)* he had affairs with students and his successors had affairs.) In connection with your OP, the article raised two tangential questions: what is it about Buddhist teacher having sex with their students? And, how does it happen that Maezumi Roshi’s top two students were Jewish? (What is the social and theological dynamic going on there?)
Finally, a matter you and I have commented on in the past, why are American Buddhist such leftist who insist on dragging politics into so many discussions? It is especially irksome when they bring up identity politics. Instead of dissolving ego boundaries, they are building additional wall—with reinforced concrete.
* There, do I win a prize for nesting parentheses?
I’m honored to know that, @iwe. Thanks.
Or all the time. It’s just knowing what buttons you choose to have on your control panel.
Why is it natural that most participants are politically left?
My experience with meditation came from a young man who attended our school district transition program for 18-21 year olds. He had schizophrenia, and in order to help him not succumb to the constant voices in his head we had him lead a meditation group for staff and other students (whenever he felt well enough to attend). He had done some research and was self taught. It was more of a relaxation meditation, although once he led us into identifying our spirit animals. His voice was very hypnotic, and as he led us through the session, always very calming. Unfortunately, the sessions were only about 15 minutes because that was the time limit of his ability to interact closely with others. While I was able to calm for that amount of time, it never carried over into any other part of my day. I assume doing this sporadically does not really provide much of a benefit, but what is the ultimate goal?
@SusanQuinn, it does sound like you have actually found the place you need to be. Funny how God watches us patiently and lets us come to Him of our own accord, no matter how crooked the path.
An outstanding metaphor, @arahant. Yes, knowing there are people who will push our buttons and how we react gives us great freedom and many choices on how to respond. A few people on Ricochet would benefit from learning that, wouldn’t they?
I tried contemplate my navel once, but I couldn’t see it . . .
What a terrific comment, @rickbanyan! Yes, I remember our talking about Buddhism before–you’re a schoolteacher, aren’t you? Anyway, I will try to respond to your questions as best I can.
Nowadays, most people who become senseis are monks or priests (women can be priests, too). But there are lay senseis as well. I would have been a lay sensei. And yes, I do love the role of the bodhisattva–that commitment to serve others. I think Buddhists of all stripes can want a satori experience (that’s a realization experience for those who don’t know). I can’t imagine that goal is not in the back of the minds of many people, but I never had one and still had a deep practice.
I think Dogen was saying that we shouldn’t be trapped by our ego. I know this will sound like my ego talking, but the more centered I felt as a person, the more loving and committed to practice, the harder my teacher was on me. She felt every person who worked toward being a teacher had to be called to account if they thought too much of themselves. I agreed. But I think she actually resented my centeredness and was determined to put me in my place–often. She had her problems. But that might be my ego talking.
I wasn’t a practicing Jew at the time, so I didn’t feel there was anything to reconcile. Buddhism doesn’t say there is no G-d–in fact, I could say the Absolute is an impersonal G-d–but when the Buddha was asked if G-d existed, he was silent. So Buddhism didn’t care if I believed in G-d. Orthodox Jews would not have been happy with my practicing Buddhism, but there is almost nothing in Buddhism that conflicts with Judaism, except Buddhism isn’t G-d-centered.
Yes, I’m from Maezumi Roshi’s lineage. My teacher was his student. He did have affairs with students; he publicly acknowledged it. He also had a drinking problem. In the case of the Japanese teachers, they were overwhelmed by all the freedom they encountered in this country and managed it badly. I think the reason for the affairs for many others was simple opportunity and abuse of power
Watch it!!
. One develops a close relationship with one’s teacher; I met with mine weekly in addition to meditating with her community. Some people manage intimacy badly. Buddhism did attract a lot of students; I don’t have good reasons for that.
I had a discussion with a Buddhist friend on the Left. I asked her the same question. She said that maybe Lefties are attracted to Buddhism because of the tenets and the absence of G-d, rather than Buddhists adopting Leftism. I think it is because Buddhism has been co-opted by the Left and they have misrepresented the teachings. The Buddha would have been a conservative today. But then, what do I know. It’s a fascinating subject, isn’t it?
You were experiencing a guided meditation with the young man. I prefer meditating in silence. For meditation to have a long-term effect, it needs to be done regularly. That means not meditating for an hour, once per week; it means 5-7 days per week, 10-30 minutes. When a person does this, they actually change their brain in a way that increases his or her sense of wellbeing. I think I felt the difference by meditating daily within 4-6 weeks, and that has deepened. When I feel that way, I am more engaged, compassionate, calm–lots of positive outcomes for me. In Zen they would say it is a way to free ourselves from suffering. I agree.
Beautifully said. Thanks, @juliana.
You’ll have to contemplate some other person’s navel.
This applies to questions about meditation:
The Silence
I am bold enough to face the Silence.
In seeking the Silence, we must be bold enough to go it alone, to push aside our familiar, comfortable mental travelers. We seek the unknown, more, we seek the Unknowable, and we must climb to that high place alone, unburdened from familiar thoughts to meet a new and greater Friend.
In the Silence, we find how to dissolve our illusory concerns and know ourselves. We are bold enough to face the Silence!
Matthew 6:6, “But as for you, when you pray, enter into your inner chamber and lock your door, and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees in secret shall himself reward you openly.”
5/20/2012
Perfectly beautiful.
Thank you. That was the very first of these I wrote.
I especially love ideas about silence. This might sound crazy, but I love silence so much that when we were staying near the beach for three days and took walks, the waves just seemed loud. Gorgeous, but loud. Now I know why I’m more of a quiet mountain person.
Well, Susan, now I have to share a breakthrough that I had today.
I’ve been attending Mass weekly and daily for over sixty years, and for all that time I have been unable to stop my mind from flitting hither and yon, drifting here and there, worrying, planning, judging…..
I’ve been working very seriously on my errant mind for the last three years.
Today I suddenly realized that I was completely present in the Mass when my mind went adrift, just a little, and so I gently slipped right back into the Mass.
No worries. Lovely.
I hope you find comfort in the wisdom that brought you to your decision. New beginnings.
That is so wonderful to hear, @doulalady! Keep in mind that these clear, bright, delightful moments come and go. I’m not taking anything away from your experience, but these usually don’t happen as a linear progression. I’ve learned after all these years that my mind will stray, sometimes for longer than I like. My big lesson has been to not beat up on myself, to give myself permission to drift (because I will) and when I realize it, come back just as you did.
Well done!! I love stories like these. We are giving ourselves the opportunity to realize the presence of G-d, the best of blessings.