Ricochet is the best place on the internet to discuss the issues of the day, either through commenting on posts or writing your own for our active and dynamic community in a fully moderated environment. In addition, the Ricochet Audio Network offers over 50 original podcasts with new episodes released every day.
Furniture for the Vapid
The following is a repost of a piece I wrote five years ago here, but when I saw Mike Rowe riffing on pre-distressed and pre-stained jeans at Nordstroms, I felt it deserved unearthing. I’ll have you know, the motor oil stains on my jeans ($30 Wranglers) are genuine, but if someone wants to pay me to stain theirs too, yeah, I’ll take their money! All $425 worth. Anyway, in honor of the latest effort at rich people attempting to look like the proles, I again offer up Furniture for the Vapid….
Today I received a catalog set (I do not know why) from Restoration Hardware, a company well known for its overpriced furniture. I would have tossed it out, but my wife snatched it from me and pointed to a page saying “Hey, do you remember the movie Zoolander? You remember Derelicte?” (I’ll wait here while you look up the reference.) My interest was piqued.
Restoration Hardware has introduced a whole new style of furniture called “Exposed: Deconstructed Style.” Actual description:
Meticulously handcrafted to reveal the old world artistry of its inner workings, our 19th-Century English Wing Chair features a deeply tufted, s-scrolled wing back, rolled arms, and a plush seat. A heavily distressed* solid walnut frame is accented with nail-heads and whipstitching, complemented by rich burlap and antiqued cotton upholstery.
*(Distressed is code for “we let my Labrador puppy go to town on it with a phalanx of two-year-olds in reserve)
Let that sink in….
Okay, to translate: We took a perfectly good chair and ruined it. For $1995!
When the hell is burlap “Rich” anyway? And Exposed Nailheads? Jeez, give me a tetanus shot before I sit down will ya? Wait, you want to see it?
Now, this gave my wife and I some thoughts on other furniture collections they should have, all in this same “retro / broken” theme.
First Up: Recliners of the Greatest Generation
Inspired by a cleaning out of my grandparents’ basements: Strenuously hand-flogged to reveal the inspired stains of 30 years of classic television viewing, our authentically rusted recliner frame has been specially upholstered with Moggie-and-tobacco scented foam padding, accented in the seat with special accent springs, surgically sharpened and left in Thoreau’s fishpond for that extra rusty feel. The whole has been lovingly covered in patches with Yorkie-Gnawed Sun Bleached Turquoise* Vinyl. The reclining mechanism itself has been finely tuned so that it will never quite extend or retract for the extra authentic feel. You will luxuriate in every metallic squeal and eek as you doze for hours with the television volume turned up to eleven. Price: $2495.00
*Rich Burlap, Avocado Green, and Burnt Orange colors coming soon
Next: The Juvenile Collection
For the ultimate in authentic distressed furniture, we proudly present the Juvenile Collection. Each piece has been hand-selected at the flagship Ethan Allen Store in Montpelier, Vermont, then lovingly turned over to our professional distressors in far Cathay. Each piece has a unique blend of staples, Yorkie-bite marks, crayon stains, and nail-polish spills. Each piece has been scented with a special blend of spilled organic (hormone-free!) chocolate milk and fruit punch. You will revel in the feel of the realistic splinter effects, and marvel at the stipple-pattern hammer blows on wood frames.
Cracks and seams in the upholstery have been pre-filled with luxurious Ritz Cracker crumbs, fresh-squeezed orange juice, popsicle sticks, raspberry sorbet, and Legos, for that authentic veteran furniture grit. Each seam has been specially enlarged to fit most major brands of remote controls, for that authentic “Where the heck did it go?” feel.
As that final touch, you can request each piece be distressed by a single individual. For a special fee, that young-at-heart distressor will even sign your piece.**
Prices vary by piece and designer***
**Due to customer complaints, we will ensure that all future distressor signatures will use the Roman Alphabet.
***Sorry folks, but the signature pieces signed by “Manuel 4485769” and “Help Us Please” have sold out.
And: The 20s Experience
Published in HumorFor those who year to re-live the “glory daze” of their post-college years, without sacrificing quality or luxury. Our centerpiece to this collection is our authentic distressed Cinder Block coffee table. Mounted atop vintage cinderblocks and bricks carefully removed from Detroit factory walls is our sustainable-rainforest New Guinea Mahogany 2-by-4 table top. We have specially added beer rings from our local micro-brewery for that extra-authentic feeling, and “cigarette” burn marks added using fair-trade hemp ropes from Guatemala. ($3250)
The perfect counterpoint seating will be found in our luxurious burlap futon, harvested from the Philadelphia Ikea and hauled by authentic Sherpas and mules to our factory, where we adjust the legs to perfect uneven-ness and add realistic mystery stains and odors. We include, at no extra charge, a roll of 1964 silver quarters so you can “level it” if you choose. ($2375)
Rounding out the collection is our sublime red and blue plastic milk-crate bookcase and entertainment center. Propped up on the same authentic Detroit cinder blocks as our coffee table, we have assembled the finest collection of plastic crates from a wide assortment of organic (hormone-free) dairy establishments. No two sets are quite alike! There is no better way to display your collection of Michael Moore Blu-Ray discs.
That is a creepy picture because it looks like a man’s hips and legs, but those are women’s shoes. Maybe they’re trying to mainstream trans people.
Are those jeans for gardening, or something? Sheesh!
Haven’t you ever wanted to show off your knee tattoos when it’s too cold to wear shorts?
Oh, you mean my orthopedic surgery scars, old-style? Nah, not so much. :-D
Are the scars horizontal or vertical? Sometimes they are horizontal with a downward bow, in which case you’d just have to tattoo on some eyes to make a smiley face.
Vertical, inside and outside of both legs – not the patella – so these wouldn’t scan – but it’s a great idea for future reference!
I suspect those knee pants would experience similar issues to these leggings.
Yikes, I hurt just looking at this! Thanks…
Skipsul (Skippy!), this post is hilarious! No further comment.
It’s the luxurious burlap, right? That line is right up there with “Rich, Corinthian Leather” (although given one of Montalban’s later roles, Rich Corinthian Leather might have been apropos too):
Please explain the difference between men and women. I used to think I knew, but now…
Sometimes I’m not sure anymore myself.
Seriously, though. Here’s a test. What do you notice in the following photo? I had this up in the PIT earlier, and the wimmin noticed…
The Shoes.
If you fail to see the shoes, you’re probably still a guy.
She’s wearing shoes?
What shoes?
Skip, you should be punished for posting the image in comment #72. Any CoC that permits content like that it isn’t worth having.
The best documentation would be entering random Andrew Klavan quotes in the journal. Imagine the ninny buying the pants getting that log!!
If the intended look was to match the plastic covered sofa, the look would be more accurate if the plastic was right over the denim.
Better yet, knee patches of flocked velvet paisley covered with plastic. Viola!
Give these jeans as a gift with a 24-pak of Sharpie markers. Coloring craze complete!
Well… the plastic might filter UV rays…
Which would at least give it something resembling a purpose – inflict your mom knees on the world without sunburning them.
Hey ‘Skippy’, thanks for the post!
After all the political drama, with the extra judicial and legislative insights its fun to just have a little fun!
I want to thank you all for the searches. I was on the Drudge Report just now, and what comes up? A Nordstrom’s ad with both the fake dirty jeans, and the knee window jeans.
What these jeans actually need are a double layer of vinyl in the knees. Then you can add water and goldfish and really complete the look.
This is not unheard-of. Higher up, at least.
More pics from your college days?
Higher up and impervious to the effects of gravity. Will wonders never cease?
Limited shelf life though; not much air. They won’t last more than a couple of hours, and it won’t be nearly as effective when they’re floating.
Huh? We’ve got to be talking about different things.
And they can’t be called “fun bags” at that point either.
Someone’s, perhaps.