The following is a repost of a piece I wrote five years ago here, but when I saw Mike Rowe riffing on pre-distressed and pre-stained jeans at Nordstroms, I felt it deserved unearthing. I’ll have you know, the motor oil stains on my jeans ($30 Wranglers) are genuine, but if someone wants to pay me to stain theirs too, yeah, I’ll take their money! All $425 worth. Anyway, in honor of the latest effort at rich people attempting to look like the proles, I again offer up Furniture for the Vapid….

Today I received a catalog set (I do not know why) from Restoration Hardware, a company well known for its overpriced furniture. I would have tossed it out, but my wife snatched it from me and pointed to a page saying “Hey, do you remember the movie Zoolander? You remember Derelicte?” (I’ll wait here while you look up the reference.) My interest was piqued.

Restoration Hardware has introduced a whole new style of furniture called “Exposed: Deconstructed Style.” Actual description:

Meticulously handcrafted to reveal the old world artistry of its inner workings, our 19th-Century English Wing Chair features a deeply tufted, s-scrolled wing back, rolled arms, and a plush seat. A heavily distressed* solid walnut frame is accented with nail-heads and whipstitching, complemented by rich burlap and antiqued cotton upholstery.

*(Distressed is code for “we let my Labrador puppy go to town on it with a phalanx of two-year-olds in reserve)

Let that sink in….

Okay, to translate: We took a perfectly good chair and ruined it. For $1995!

When the hell is burlap “Rich” anyway? And Exposed Nailheads? Jeez, give me a tetanus shot before I sit down will ya? Wait, you want to see it?

Now, this gave my wife and I some thoughts on other furniture collections they should have, all in this same “retro / broken” theme.

First Up: Recliners of the Greatest Generation

Inspired by a cleaning out of my grandparents’ basements: Strenuously hand-flogged to reveal the inspired stains of 30 years of classic television viewing, our authentically rusted recliner frame has been specially upholstered with Moggie-and-tobacco scented foam padding, accented in the seat with special accent springs, surgically sharpened and left in Thoreau’s fishpond for that extra rusty feel. The whole has been lovingly covered in patches with Yorkie-Gnawed Sun Bleached Turquoise* Vinyl. The reclining mechanism itself has been finely tuned so that it will never quite extend or retract for the extra authentic feel. You will luxuriate in every metallic squeal and eek as you doze for hours with the television volume turned up to eleven. Price: $2495.00

*Rich Burlap, Avocado Green, and Burnt Orange colors coming soon

Next: The Juvenile Collection

For the ultimate in authentic distressed furniture, we proudly present the Juvenile Collection. Each piece has been hand-selected at the flagship Ethan Allen Store in Montpelier, Vermont, then lovingly turned over to our professional distressors in far Cathay. Each piece has a unique blend of staples, Yorkie-bite marks, crayon stains, and nail-polish spills. Each piece has been scented with a special blend of spilled organic (hormone-free!) chocolate milk and fruit punch. You will revel in the feel of the realistic splinter effects, and marvel at the stipple-pattern hammer blows on wood frames.

Cracks and seams in the upholstery have been pre-filled with luxurious Ritz Cracker crumbs, fresh-squeezed orange juice, popsicle sticks, raspberry sorbet, and Legos, for that authentic veteran furniture grit. Each seam has been specially enlarged to fit most major brands of remote controls, for that authentic “Where the heck did it go?” feel.

As that final touch, you can request each piece be distressed by a single individual. For a special fee, that young-at-heart distressor will even sign your piece.**

Prices vary by piece and designer***

**Due to customer complaints, we will ensure that all future distressor signatures will use the Roman Alphabet.

***Sorry folks, but the signature pieces signed by “Manuel 4485769” and “Help Us Please” have sold out.

And: The 20s Experience

For those who year to re-live the “glory daze” of their post-college years, without sacrificing quality or luxury. Our centerpiece to this collection is our authentic distressed Cinder Block coffee table. Mounted atop vintage cinderblocks and bricks carefully removed from Detroit factory walls is our sustainable-rainforest New Guinea Mahogany 2-by-4 table top. We have specially added beer rings from our local micro-brewery for that extra-authentic feeling, and “cigarette” burn marks added using fair-trade hemp ropes from Guatemala. ($3250)

The perfect counterpoint seating will be found in our luxurious burlap futon, harvested from the Philadelphia Ikea and hauled by authentic Sherpas and mules to our factory, where we adjust the legs to perfect uneven-ness and add realistic mystery stains and odors. We include, at no extra charge, a roll of 1964 silver quarters so you can “level it” if you choose. ($2375)

Rounding out the collection is our sublime red and blue plastic milk-crate bookcase and entertainment center. Propped up on the same authentic Detroit cinder blocks as our coffee table, we have assembled the finest collection of plastic crates from a wide assortment of organic (hormone-free) dairy establishments. No two sets are quite alike! There is no better way to display your collection of Michael Moore Blu-Ray discs.