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Furniture for the Vapid
The following is a repost of a piece I wrote five years ago here, but when I saw Mike Rowe riffing on pre-distressed and pre-stained jeans at Nordstroms, I felt it deserved unearthing. I’ll have you know, the motor oil stains on my jeans ($30 Wranglers) are genuine, but if someone wants to pay me to stain theirs too, yeah, I’ll take their money! All $425 worth. Anyway, in honor of the latest effort at rich people attempting to look like the proles, I again offer up Furniture for the Vapid….
Today I received a catalog set (I do not know why) from Restoration Hardware, a company well known for its overpriced furniture. I would have tossed it out, but my wife snatched it from me and pointed to a page saying “Hey, do you remember the movie Zoolander? You remember Derelicte?” (I’ll wait here while you look up the reference.) My interest was piqued.
Restoration Hardware has introduced a whole new style of furniture called “Exposed: Deconstructed Style.” Actual description:
Meticulously handcrafted to reveal the old world artistry of its inner workings, our 19th-Century English Wing Chair features a deeply tufted, s-scrolled wing back, rolled arms, and a plush seat. A heavily distressed* solid walnut frame is accented with nail-heads and whipstitching, complemented by rich burlap and antiqued cotton upholstery.
*(Distressed is code for “we let my Labrador puppy go to town on it with a phalanx of two-year-olds in reserve)
Let that sink in….
Okay, to translate: We took a perfectly good chair and ruined it. For $1995!
When the hell is burlap “Rich” anyway? And Exposed Nailheads? Jeez, give me a tetanus shot before I sit down will ya? Wait, you want to see it?
Now, this gave my wife and I some thoughts on other furniture collections they should have, all in this same “retro / broken” theme.
First Up: Recliners of the Greatest Generation
Inspired by a cleaning out of my grandparents’ basements: Strenuously hand-flogged to reveal the inspired stains of 30 years of classic television viewing, our authentically rusted recliner frame has been specially upholstered with Moggie-and-tobacco scented foam padding, accented in the seat with special accent springs, surgically sharpened and left in Thoreau’s fishpond for that extra rusty feel. The whole has been lovingly covered in patches with Yorkie-Gnawed Sun Bleached Turquoise* Vinyl. The reclining mechanism itself has been finely tuned so that it will never quite extend or retract for the extra authentic feel. You will luxuriate in every metallic squeal and eek as you doze for hours with the television volume turned up to eleven. Price: $2495.00
*Rich Burlap, Avocado Green, and Burnt Orange colors coming soon
Next: The Juvenile Collection
For the ultimate in authentic distressed furniture, we proudly present the Juvenile Collection. Each piece has been hand-selected at the flagship Ethan Allen Store in Montpelier, Vermont, then lovingly turned over to our professional distressors in far Cathay. Each piece has a unique blend of staples, Yorkie-bite marks, crayon stains, and nail-polish spills. Each piece has been scented with a special blend of spilled organic (hormone-free!) chocolate milk and fruit punch. You will revel in the feel of the realistic splinter effects, and marvel at the stipple-pattern hammer blows on wood frames.
Cracks and seams in the upholstery have been pre-filled with luxurious Ritz Cracker crumbs, fresh-squeezed orange juice, popsicle sticks, raspberry sorbet, and Legos, for that authentic veteran furniture grit. Each seam has been specially enlarged to fit most major brands of remote controls, for that authentic “Where the heck did it go?” feel.
As that final touch, you can request each piece be distressed by a single individual. For a special fee, that young-at-heart distressor will even sign your piece.**
Prices vary by piece and designer***
**Due to customer complaints, we will ensure that all future distressor signatures will use the Roman Alphabet.
***Sorry folks, but the signature pieces signed by “Manuel 4485769” and “Help Us Please” have sold out.
And: The 20s Experience
Published in HumorFor those who year to re-live the “glory daze” of their post-college years, without sacrificing quality or luxury. Our centerpiece to this collection is our authentic distressed Cinder Block coffee table. Mounted atop vintage cinderblocks and bricks carefully removed from Detroit factory walls is our sustainable-rainforest New Guinea Mahogany 2-by-4 table top. We have specially added beer rings from our local micro-brewery for that extra-authentic feeling, and “cigarette” burn marks added using fair-trade hemp ropes from Guatemala. ($3250)
The perfect counterpoint seating will be found in our luxurious burlap futon, harvested from the Philadelphia Ikea and hauled by authentic Sherpas and mules to our factory, where we adjust the legs to perfect uneven-ness and add realistic mystery stains and odors. We include, at no extra charge, a roll of 1964 silver quarters so you can “level it” if you choose. ($2375)
Rounding out the collection is our sublime red and blue plastic milk-crate bookcase and entertainment center. Propped up on the same authentic Detroit cinder blocks as our coffee table, we have assembled the finest collection of plastic crates from a wide assortment of organic (hormone-free) dairy establishments. No two sets are quite alike! There is no better way to display your collection of Michael Moore Blu-Ray discs.
BTW: Am looking mighty sexy right now in some old and naturally distressed Levis. For that modern Spring and Summer fashion look have added a few rips and tears by way of bicycle accidents. Unfortunately one of those accidents also put me in the hospital and did some pretty significant distressing to various parts of my body as well, not to mention the ol’ wallet.
Caution: Do not attempt to perform bicycle distressing at home.
It’s always amusing and somehow reassuring to find out yet another person can make Zoolander references. Eventually, we’ll all know each other. There are what, maybe 2,000 people who saw the movie?
Yeah, I don’t understand the principle here – to me knees are not usually the most attractive part of a woman’s leg to show off.
I had lots of those patches on my childhood pants. Though my knee holes were more from playing on the floor indoors with my toy cars and Legos than any spectacular outdoor activities. The patches were always stiffer than the fabric of the pants, and felt uncomfortable on the knee. But, I never really felt socially awkward (this was all in early elementary school era) because every kid in the neighborhood had similar patches on their pants.
True dat!
Well, apparently all my threadbare furnishings just came in to style, so I got that going for me!
This is exactly why I don’t fear the robot work force. If everything is made perfectly uniform, a market for the flawed and unique will arise.
I’m waiting for paint stains to have value. Then I’ll have my retirement job.
I got distressed furniture the old fashion way …. I joined the military and made 7 moves in 21 years. Not enough moves in your future? Adopt a cat and have kids. Today’s (young adult) kids want the Ikea look, not antiques that will survive generations.
What I remember is the awful feel of new jeans – how stiff and chaffing they were until they were properly broken in. The weave used in most denims today is much softer (and less durable), and is treated anyway so you can wear ’em after just 1 wash. The dies are also faster to the fabric so they don’t fade and mellow like they used to. You buy dark blue jeans today, they stay dark blue for a long time, they don’t fade to pale blue.
A few years ago I read that a selvedge denim company was experimenting with a program to get people to authentically break in their jeans.
If I can recall, the program went something like this: You would be sent a pair of jeans in your size, and you would proceed to wear them for about three months period without washing, documenting the things you did in them in an accompanying log. At the end of that time, you sent the jeans back and the company would pay you a fee. They would then take your broken-in jeans and sell them at a huge mark-up to somebody with more dollars than sense.
I have to say, I seriously considered signing up for the program, since wearing pants is something I do on a regular basis and it would be nice to be paid for it, but the company was based in the UK and I think it was only open to locals.
Not sure I’d want to document what I was doing with my pants.
What country are you from? Breaking in jeans is one of those jobs American’s just won’t do. It’s unfashionable to be seen in new ones, but it’s pitiable to wear them out. We wash them a few times and throw them away. That’s why it’s vital that they come pre-distressed.
There have been arrangements like this in the US, too. Montana Broke was one of them, at least in 1991:
Maybe it’s countersignaling – if you can look good despite wearing those things, you must be really good-looking!
Manhattan is actually the next town over from us!
Most days, I sit in a cubicle and sometimes I will accidentally spill some coffee or mustard on my lap. So yeah…
I have a distressed bank account.
My mom would iron the patches on new pants to strengthen the fabric. By the time I was ready for new pants, when four inches of ankle were showing, I still had holes in the knees.
Please tell me that the attempt to “break” into men’s fashion design is now only a memory – not to be repeated. Btw, I appreciate disability-awareness efforts greatly, but going “all-in” isn’t required. :-)
Lordy – thought this was someone’s idea of a joke for this post ( the plastic having been salvaged from a perfectly preserved 50s sofa that didn’t make the cut for the catalog). Looking at the link, perhaps this plastic insert was intended to revisit the 50s…
When it was first posted, I thought they were for men.
those look like a skinny mans legs to me, but these days that is probably assuming too much.
They are. So Bill Clinton can see whether or not the lady has on her presidential kneepads.
Am I the only one who remembers So Fine?
I had to edit the link to make it clear these are being sold as “mom jeans”.
Yeah, I saw that, but Obama wore mom jeans. I kind of associate that label with men wearing them.
Not now that you’ve introduced us to it, JM…Thanks!
You are not.
Years ago, a friend of mine bought some new shoes and asked me to wear them till they were broken in. She said she liked the shape of my feet better than her own. So I did it.