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Furniture for the Vapid
The following is a repost of a piece I wrote five years ago here, but when I saw Mike Rowe riffing on pre-distressed and pre-stained jeans at Nordstroms, I felt it deserved unearthing. I’ll have you know, the motor oil stains on my jeans ($30 Wranglers) are genuine, but if someone wants to pay me to stain theirs too, yeah, I’ll take their money! All $425 worth. Anyway, in honor of the latest effort at rich people attempting to look like the proles, I again offer up Furniture for the Vapid….
Today I received a catalog set (I do not know why) from Restoration Hardware, a company well known for its overpriced furniture. I would have tossed it out, but my wife snatched it from me and pointed to a page saying “Hey, do you remember the movie Zoolander? You remember Derelicte?” (I’ll wait here while you look up the reference.) My interest was piqued.
Restoration Hardware has introduced a whole new style of furniture called “Exposed: Deconstructed Style.” Actual description:
Meticulously handcrafted to reveal the old world artistry of its inner workings, our 19th-Century English Wing Chair features a deeply tufted, s-scrolled wing back, rolled arms, and a plush seat. A heavily distressed* solid walnut frame is accented with nail-heads and whipstitching, complemented by rich burlap and antiqued cotton upholstery.
*(Distressed is code for “we let my Labrador puppy go to town on it with a phalanx of two-year-olds in reserve)
Let that sink in….
Okay, to translate: We took a perfectly good chair and ruined it. For $1995!
When the hell is burlap “Rich” anyway? And Exposed Nailheads? Jeez, give me a tetanus shot before I sit down will ya? Wait, you want to see it?
Now, this gave my wife and I some thoughts on other furniture collections they should have, all in this same “retro / broken” theme.
First Up: Recliners of the Greatest Generation
Inspired by a cleaning out of my grandparents’ basements: Strenuously hand-flogged to reveal the inspired stains of 30 years of classic television viewing, our authentically rusted recliner frame has been specially upholstered with Moggie-and-tobacco scented foam padding, accented in the seat with special accent springs, surgically sharpened and left in Thoreau’s fishpond for that extra rusty feel. The whole has been lovingly covered in patches with Yorkie-Gnawed Sun Bleached Turquoise* Vinyl. The reclining mechanism itself has been finely tuned so that it will never quite extend or retract for the extra authentic feel. You will luxuriate in every metallic squeal and eek as you doze for hours with the television volume turned up to eleven. Price: $2495.00
*Rich Burlap, Avocado Green, and Burnt Orange colors coming soon
Next: The Juvenile Collection
For the ultimate in authentic distressed furniture, we proudly present the Juvenile Collection. Each piece has been hand-selected at the flagship Ethan Allen Store in Montpelier, Vermont, then lovingly turned over to our professional distressors in far Cathay. Each piece has a unique blend of staples, Yorkie-bite marks, crayon stains, and nail-polish spills. Each piece has been scented with a special blend of spilled organic (hormone-free!) chocolate milk and fruit punch. You will revel in the feel of the realistic splinter effects, and marvel at the stipple-pattern hammer blows on wood frames.
Cracks and seams in the upholstery have been pre-filled with luxurious Ritz Cracker crumbs, fresh-squeezed orange juice, popsicle sticks, raspberry sorbet, and Legos, for that authentic veteran furniture grit. Each seam has been specially enlarged to fit most major brands of remote controls, for that authentic “Where the heck did it go?” feel.
As that final touch, you can request each piece be distressed by a single individual. For a special fee, that young-at-heart distressor will even sign your piece.**
Prices vary by piece and designer***
**Due to customer complaints, we will ensure that all future distressor signatures will use the Roman Alphabet.
***Sorry folks, but the signature pieces signed by “Manuel 4485769” and “Help Us Please” have sold out.
And: The 20s Experience
Published in HumorFor those who year to re-live the “glory daze” of their post-college years, without sacrificing quality or luxury. Our centerpiece to this collection is our authentic distressed Cinder Block coffee table. Mounted atop vintage cinderblocks and bricks carefully removed from Detroit factory walls is our sustainable-rainforest New Guinea Mahogany 2-by-4 table top. We have specially added beer rings from our local micro-brewery for that extra-authentic feeling, and “cigarette” burn marks added using fair-trade hemp ropes from Guatemala. ($3250)
The perfect counterpoint seating will be found in our luxurious burlap futon, harvested from the Philadelphia Ikea and hauled by authentic Sherpas and mules to our factory, where we adjust the legs to perfect uneven-ness and add realistic mystery stains and odors. We include, at no extra charge, a roll of 1964 silver quarters so you can “level it” if you choose. ($2375)
Rounding out the collection is our sublime red and blue plastic milk-crate bookcase and entertainment center. Propped up on the same authentic Detroit cinder blocks as our coffee table, we have assembled the finest collection of plastic crates from a wide assortment of organic (hormone-free) dairy establishments. No two sets are quite alike! There is no better way to display your collection of Michael Moore Blu-Ray discs.
Here’s the original: http://ricochet.com/archives/furniture-for-the-vapid/
What? We’re supposed to read it twice, or you didn’t think we’d believe that you’re years ahead of Mike Rowe?
Ha!
Ah, it’s mellowed with age…Perfect!
Hey! I have that chair! Just kidding.
special blend of spilled organic (hormone free!) chocolate milk and fruit punch.
Hilarious
I just read the Mike Rowe riff on FB.
I hate distressed clothing, unless, as you say, it was earned by the wearer.
When I first started teaching, dress codes said, no ripped or torn clothing. In those days, kids who showed up that way were on a list to check that they had enough food to eat, and would get clothing donations.
Now, you can tell who’s rich, because their jeans are ripped, and you know they paid a fortune!
Sadly, genuinely distressed jeans have much better rips than the computer generated distress.
There’s a late catalog edition to the Juvenile Collection:
Not mine. The rips and tears are all unfortunately in the seat or the crotch, which leads the kids to ask, “You’re not really going to the hardware store in those? With us?” “Sorry girls, I’m not changing my pants just for a quick run to Ace for $5.00 in bolts. They’ll understand.” “OK, but can we wait in the car?”
Perhaps the cat-lovers among us would be interested in distressed overstuffed armchairs, with the sides ripped to shreds and the stuffing leaking out, before they even make it to the house?
And as for the dog lovers, carpet that comes pre-adorned with mysterious, but of course odorless, yellow stains?
My sofa has authentic distressing. I call it “15 years of dogs and kids.”
Actually that was the loveseat. Here’s the sofa:
$4995.
Dang I wish I’d said that.
(Dog sold separately.)
Call me Neil “imitation” Diamond cuz I’m Forever in Dickies.
And they’re dirty
The reviews on the Nordstrom website are pretty good:
I’d rather they pre-fill the cracks and seams in the upholstery with 18th and 19th century coins. At least give the suckers a chance at getting something out of the deal.
For those who enjoy the meta-distressed look, I can source jeans distressed by a genuine Graphic and Industrial Designer during the course of his genuine graphic and industrial design work. These jeans have accumulated a subtle but rich tapestry of rips and tears, threadbare regions, and ink and assorted artistic media stains – a tapestry that is Designer in every sense of the word.
This source, who, despite his authentic “frivolous hipster lifestyle” is probably more successful than his “more responsible” siblings will ever be, ensures a deep hipster pedigree for each denim pant, with that added touch of ecological consciousness that comes from repurposing the clothing of someone who may have already ecologically repurposed it.
I call jeans collected from this source the Ink Stained Wretch Collection. Ink stains guaranteed to last through multiple washings without (further) fading. Each piece is a unique designer work. Price list available upon request.
Had a friend who bought a Range Rover. He said he wanted to put a Harley Davidson sticker on it, but said “that would be a bit much.”
Including the dog?
edit: ha ha. Someone said dog sold separately.
❤ Ricochet
Clear Knee Mom Jeans
$95? !*&% (non-C of C compliant comment)
I can’t wait till they start marketing the perfume to go with the ‘look,’ for the complete experience. It’s not the same without the smell. I know.
Mmmmm… Only once did I rip a pair of well loved jeans at the knee…
All the rest of my holes are in the inner thigh area. Curse my thunder thighs…
!*&% Clear knees?
Ripped my fave jeans at the knee when I tripped and fell. Better busted jeans than busted teeth!
Seems someone has been binge watching a little to much HGTV here.
By the way, the details make this even more ironic:
‘Heavily distressed medium-blue denim jeans in a comfortable straight-leg fit embody rugged, Americana workwear that’s seen some hard-working action with a crackled, caked-on muddy coating that shows you’re not afraid to get down and dirty.’
Made in Portugal
Wow, I’ve always wanted to show off my knee reconstruction scars, wrapped up in plastic like three-day old beef! Thanks, Nordstrom!
My how times have changed. Anybody remember those iron on blue patches that 1960s moms would iron on to the knees of our blue jeans when we ripped out the knees? The new blue of the patch never would “blend” exactly with the already faded jeans, which sometimes made one feel awkward.
And before remote controls, pocket calculators and such, the best thing in life was a brand spanking new pair of Levis. You looked like money walking before they faded.
Think my first pair of new jeans came in around junior high, purchased from the proceeds of mowing lawns and my paper route. The girls swooned!
Finally, “Grampa, what’s a paper route?”
As a cat-lover, I will discuss the giant hole ripped out of the shoulder of the chaise lounge on my sectional where my cat had a panic attack while we were gone for 20 days and the baby-sitter had skipped a day of visiting him due to illness.