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The End of Kids
Way back in the olden days my parents had three lovely little daughters. They figured they were done having kids, but they wanted a boy and adoption was “in” at that time so they adopted a boy from India. This rounded out the family nicely and Dad got “fixed.” Eight years later they had changed their minds. There were a number of reasons for this, some religious, some just biological, but Dad got “unfixed” and they started a second family.
I was 11. This provided me with a good view of what it takes to take care of babies. Our church at the time had only one other family with four kids. Four was a lot. Three was much better, four was just excessive. While picking up my baby sister from the nursery one day, the pianist commented disapprovingly to me that my parents had too many kids and they needed to stop. As the second-born, I suppose I would have been spared but I was so shocked that I said nothing and just walked away.
When I was 14 another baby came along. This one provided me with a good view of what is like to lose a baby. She had a chromosomal defect that made her incompatible with life. We held her and took care of her for the four days she lived after birth. Last month my Grandfather died and my mother put my sister’s urn with him.
My mother couldn’t end on such a sad note so one year and one day after my sister died, another girl was born. This one provided me with someone to play Legend of Zelda games for me. I don’t like playing them, but I love watching them. She moved in with us last year to go to college and is currently playing the new Zelda for our entertainment. And hers too, I assume. Then our last sister was born a few years later leaving the tally at seven living kids.
Like the pianist, many people seem to think that seven is a lot. Since that time, I’ve met many people with many, many more kids. Kids that are planned for, well loved, and taken care of. I married a man who also came from a family of seven.
A few months ago my mother in law said something that bothered me. She was commenting on her nephew’s wife who had only one child and no intention of having another. “It makes me sad to think what she is missing out on!”
I think my mother in law would have had many more than seven kids if she could have. Some people seem to be mentally built for that. Her niece in law (whatever that is called) had severe postpartum depression and just couldn’t handle the thought of going through that again.
But it bothers me! Just think what I’m missing out on!
It took four years of trying to get pregnant with my first. I took him to work with me at the small family business I worked part-time at. He was our office baby. I think I still have the uniform shirt they made for him. He was sweet and quiet, a great napper and a happy toddler.
My second came after little effort and didn’t stop screaming until he was seven or eight months old. I quit working when he was born. That time in my life is a little hazy and I was miserable. I have a few videos of me trying to play with my toddler while I had put the baby on the floor in another room. You can hear him wailing as he tries to crawl to get to me. He was the type of baby that wailed on the floor, in the bed, when he was fed, after he was fed, when you picked him up, when you put him down, and it was shrill and mind-numbing. My only consolation was that my neighbor’s baby was even worse.
I was done. I had planned on having at least four kids but I that was horrible, and while he improved as he grew, he was still a difficult child. When he was two I told my husband he needed to get fixed and that’s when we discovered I was pregnant again.
This time we had a girl, and she was a laid back, very happy baby. She didn’t get her teeth until she was 11 months old. She was so sweet and so happy, it was a repeat of baby #1. I was happy I had her.
We did nothing preventative so #4 came along as they do, He is different from the rest in that he is talking way earlier. It is bizarre to me to hear a child under two speaking full, clear sentences. I suppose if the others had been talking as early, they would have said some of the same things. A child of barely two has a different brain than a child of three or four. I decided that four was good number so while I was pregnant and people asked how many I wanted, I assured them that he was the last.
Naturally I got pregnant again, while was I trying not to nag my husband to fix that problem. Considering how hard it was to have the 1st one, it’s become remarkably easier as I’ve gotten older. (I am aware, of course, that I could have stuff done, but I want something reversible and the least invasive thing is for him to deal with it.)
#5 has been a very sweet baby as well. Out of the five, only #2 was a traumatic baby. All the rest have been wonderful babies. #5 is my second girl, and I’m very happy to have balanced them out somewhat.
Still, I’m done. No more kids. #5 just turned one and now I want another baby. Again. Because I’m crazy. My mother tells me that desire didn’t go away for her until menopause.
I’ve discovered a number of things the I would never have known had I stopped at two.
- I am allergic to giving birth. Or perhaps to the milk hormones that rush in a few days after giving birth. Whatever the reason, I get hives when my milk comes in. Originally the doctors thought it was some of the medications I was on so they told me not to take them, but it kept happening. #4 I was able to have at home, almost completely drug free which confirmed that it was giving birth that was the problem.
- Ultrasounds that involve the sex reveal cause boys. For all three of my boys we found out their sex before they were born, but both my girls we didn’t. Fact!
- I hate homeschooling. I think I would have discovered this with two kids, but having babies around while trying to teach is really hard.
- The more babies I have the better I get at nursing. Practice makes perfect! A few more kids and I’ll have it down!
- The first child is the hardest adjustment. Unless there are things like physical disabilities each subsequent child is significantly easier. I often get asked how I do it, and I usually say I don’t know. I just do. I suspect I would fall apart if I had twins … unless I actually had them and then I would figure it out. We would have to buy a bigger car, though.
- The joke that goes “before I had kids I had six theories on child rearing, now I have six and no theories” is true. Each child is very different.
The sister living with us now is 21. She has been helpful watching the kids for me so I can do simple things like go grocery shopping without a gaggle. I took her and all the kids with me to Costco one day and it traumatized her pretty well. I may have enjoyed that too much. My kids are actually pretty well behaved, I can’t imagine trying to shop with bad kids.
I love having little sisters. We older kids were born in the early ’80s and the younger three from ’91 to ’99. I have been married for most of younger ones’ lives. They can barely remember before I moved out. They’ve had a very different life and it’s fun to be able to yell at my own sister, “Back in my day…!” There is a different dynamic in the relationships. Something I would never have been able to experience had my parents not changed their minds about their family.
This bothers me immensely in ways I don’t think it should. Back to what my mother in law said, “Think what she’s missing out on!” I’m not sure what all goes into other people’s choice regarding family size. Where I am at right now there is a lot of support for larger families, so socially, that is not much of an issue. Practically, people don’t need to have a bunch of kids to make sure that some survive, or to work on a farm. The thing that bothers me is that if I stop at five, am depriving my kids of little siblings like I have? What am I missing out on?
Intellectually I know this is absurd. My little sisters don’t have siblings 15 years younger and I don’t have siblings 15 years older. It has to begin and end somewhere. I envy my friends whose practical reality has overcome their base emotional desire. I cannot fault the niece for her choice to stop at one, any more than I can fault other friends for stopping at two or three. There is a limit to what we can handle, and while I think most people can take more than they think, it is important to ask if we should. And I don’t want to take more that I think I can. I don’t know if I’ve hit my limit, but I can tell it is difficult to spread myself out over all the responsibilities that five generates. I am not a people person. It is draining to be around five little people all the time and adding to that number could, I think, be unkind to the kids I have now. I always want another baby, probably because I’m a crazy woman, but they don’t stay babies, and that has to be considered.
This is a problem I never considered when I was newly married. I had such a hard time getting pregnant I never thought I would have a hard time not getting pregnant.
I enjoy my kids. Except my husband just dumped the baby in my lap. I guess I’m done here. There might be a poopy diaper too…
I’m going to end this with a Dad joke. Even though it has too long of a set up. My most recent niece is a girl named Carter. While still inside, she was found to have spina bifida so when she was born she had to have several surgeries along her lower spine to close the hole as well as a shunt installed in her head for drainage. She stayed in the hospital for a fortnight and when I heard they were taking her home I wondered to my husband how they would take her home. It seemed to me there might be and issue with laying her in the car seat on her back. He gave me that look and said, “Isn’t it obvious?”
Me: Blank look.
Him, with enthusiasm: “They’ll cart ‘er home!”
Published in General
It is cyclical. People who grow up with a lot of siblings almost necessarily grow up around children (either their younger siblings or their nieces and nephews). Kids aren’t scary; raising them does not provoke terror; and you discover that your parents and siblings still maintain their lives and identities.
I’ll push back a bit against the idea that children of divorced parents are excused for not wanting marriage but not children. It’s not just about avoiding the bad marriage you saw growing up; it’s about avoiding treating children like pawns, or avoiding the unrelenting stress and responsibility of being a single parent. On an intuitive level, parenting is about parenting alone and without a partner. That’s not easy to overcome, and it’s harder when the generation above you snarks about your selfishness.
My mom tells me a story about how I was such an easy baby that she said, “Let’s have another one!” but my little sister was, er, not an easy baby.
Later I found this article and shared it with her.
Ugg… That’s where we’ll be when we have our next kid (eventually).
Our first two kids were terrible sleepers for the first year. We just got the younger past that point. We’ll need a couple more months of break before we start trying again…
That’s why I want something reversible. I think I can handle it if I know the choice is still there, but it can take away the worry of accidently getting pregnant again.
It is true that other people’s kids misbehaving helps me really appreciate my kids.
Parenting is tough and some are not good at it – yet somehow kids manage to overcome it. My friend who is not married and over 50, adopted two siblings from an orphanage in India (her dad is Indian). She was always meant to be a mom – they have thrived with her in such a short time – you wouldn’t believe it. Many tried to talk her out of it – even family members. Now they can’t imagine life without each other, and the two kids have loads of new relatives, and many links to their heritage. It’s a beautiful thing to see. Kudos to you and your story!
Mrs. iWe suffers terribly in pregnancy – hyperemesis that requires some really nasty drugs or she stays in the hospital with an IV. So she basically lost three months of her life with each pregnancy – complete blanks to her. I vividly recall it, of course.
So I consider her to be a complete saint to be willing to have as many as we are blessed with. And they are such blessings. We both work from home (when not traveling) and homeschool K-8.
Our kids are hardworking team members; I joked last week that when I travel, our littlest kids (4 and 6) misbehave, because they know their mother can handle it (she can, but it is not always fun). But when she travels, the kids are each hardworking little angels, because they know full well that if they do not pull more than their own weight, the house will collapse around us, and when Mom gets home, they will all be toast.
Of the 7, 6 are boys. I get boys. We understand each other. Teenaged girls? O.M.G.
I’m #2 of 3 boys (a fourth child was born dead). My wife is #2 of 4 (all girls). My dad was #1 of 4. My mother was #1 of 2. My in-laws, on the other, both came from large families: my father-in-law was one of 9 (one of whom died as a child); my mother-in-law was also one of 9. My wife and I have one child. After giving birth, my wife decided that was enough fun for one lifetime; since she was the one who had to lug the developing baby around for 9 months and go through the excitement of childbirth, I figured it was her call. I’ve always sort of missed not having at least one more child. My son-in-law comes from a family of six children, and I’ve always enjoyed being part of their family get-togethers. My daughter and son-in-law have two (grandkids are GREAT!), and that’s all they plan to have. One guy I worked with, though, has 11 (or perhaps by now, 12) kids – all home-schooled by his wife! I think that’s getting a bit carried away – the number of kids, not the home-schooling! I enjoyed your article, @qoumidan, and envy your growing family.
My husband and I met with our Rabbi a few months before he was to marry us. He asked us several questions about how we envisioned our marriage and our life together, including the important question – “how many children do you plan to have?” We had talked about this question many times, and when asked, we nodded at each other and both said “Three!” Our Rabbi looked at us and said, “The correct answer is, as many as God will give you.”
What a great rabbi! You two are lucky.
Did you like his reply?
I hated being pregnant, but I loved giving birth! I looked forward to the pain, the thrill, I’m not sure, but it made a wonderful end to misery of pregnancy and a thrilling beginning to the next part of motherhood.
Yes! For as much as I’ve thought, daydreamed, and worried, about how many children is the “right” number, it was very comforting to let this decision go. Puts a sort of funny spin on “My body, my choice” though.
Not excused but understood empathetically.
My wife and I not only had each other but extended family and friends. I don’t know if I could have functioned as a single parent in an entanglement-free cultural context that so many seem to endure today. I admire those who can pull that off.
Spectacular post! I am the first of two and the father of one that made it out, the father of one brewing, and father of two we didn’t get to meet. Although I did not come from a large family, I have very much enjoyed my friends with many kids and would be perfectly content to have a pile of my own should God let us.
I was not one who was around young kids much growing up, so I wasn’t sure how I’d do with my own: but she has been a regular delight and I look forward to meeting her brewing sibling and hope one day to meet even more! Considering I figured I’d die an old bachelor, this is a much improved outlook.
My anecdotal, limited research has me cobvinced easy pregnancy tends to go with difficult labor and vice versa.
I liked the birthing, too. Just not my last hospital. It’s exciting and justified emotional release… and lots of pampering.
My mother used to say that if my younger brother had been the first-born, he would have been an only child!
When I was a kid, #3 of 7, we had many neighbors with very large families, ten and up. I asked my dad why we had such a small boring family. He told me it was, The War??? We were poor as poor and happy not to realize it.
I used to babysit these neighbor’s kids. I could juggle fourteen kids and still have them all asleep and the house sparkling clean by the time the parents got home. One memorable time with a screaming, projectile vomiting, babe-in-arms, most of the night.
Unfortunately parenting my own was not so easy, my own first child was just like Qoumidan’s second. My husband described it as a “Black Time”.
Fortunately we were surprised by number two who was, and is, happy and easy. We stopped at four, when my husband took over the NFP, you can’t fool a physicist when it comes to graphs.
Our oldest son has five children and wants more. He is never happier than when he is in the middle of a pile of little ones. Our other kids are content to leave the providing of our grandchildren to him. So far.
Thank you for the great story. I was raised like an only child by my grandparents. While I have a half brother and sister we never lived in the same household and I always wanted to have more siblings who actually lived with us. Now I have 3 wonderful kids and sometimes wish that I had had them earlier and had had more of them. But then again my 3rd child was a surprise and is a girl and is now a teenager so more kids might not have been a good idea. We have so so so so so much drama in our house. I was a bit of a tomboy and after having 2 boys I had no idea that there is SO MUCH DRAMA in a teenage girl’s life.
My girl is only 5…
I can’t even imagine an increase in Drama. She was 15 months when she threw her first tantrum by looking for a pillow on the floor and tossing herself on it face down.
The diva is strong in this one.
I have two daughters and a son. My daughters were just as delightful as my son.
I never understand what parents of daughters are talking about when they complain about them so.
I just don’t see them as any more “dramatic” or hard to talk to as boys.
Kids are great–boys and girls. Neither is harder to bring up than the other.
Thank you for this, and congratulations on getting to the Main Feed!
This conversation is part of a Group Writing series with the theme “Endings”, planned for the whole month of March. If you follow this link, there’s more information about Group Writing. The schedule is updated to include links to the other conversations for the month as they are posted. Dates for April’s topic (Water) are now available; sign up!
Why do people feel the urge to reproduce? I don’t get it.
My teenage daughter isn’t perfect, but she is not embroiled in the fever swamp of girlie-style Lord of the Flies behavior that I hear about in schooling friends since we homeschool. I suspect this makes a massive difference and makes her and my life more harmonious. I deliberately choose by homeschooling to loom large in her life and to insist that family connections and respect outweigh outside connections.
She can be moody and selfish, but dealing with boys experiencing puberty was no cakewalk either! As you say, Marci (you sweetheart, so glad to see your cheery marcibug!) all kids are great.
You might just have to accept, from a purely secular viewpoint, that your instinct to reproduce is defective, and natural selection is simply working as expected.
Or you can accept that God simply hasn’t called you be a father.
Beyond the biological, the urge to reproduce is primarily a result of an at least partially positive outlook on life.
I didn’t think much about having kids in the general sense of “reproduce,” it was more of a “I want to have his babies” kind of thing, rather specific!
What a great post. I am #2 of 2, but hubby is #3 of 6. I always envied larger families (my parents were older, so a big family was not in the cards). I have two children. I wanted another one, but the guy with the middle-child complex nixed it.
I now have one grandchild (the sweetest, handsomest 3-year-old in the world). I’d love to have more, but my daughter struggles with infertility, and while there’s lots of hope, I can’t count on more. My son is stubbornly single.
This brings up an issue I find sad—the lack of cousins. I had many, many first cousins (most grown) and once-removed cousins, and second cousins. My kids have 10 first cousins. My grandson has 0 cousins. Unless the above-referenced son decides to find a mate, that sad number is not going to change.