The End of Kids

 

Way back in the olden days my parents had three lovely little daughters. They figured they were done having kids, but they wanted a boy and adoption was “in” at that time so they adopted a boy from India. This rounded out the family nicely and Dad got “fixed.” Eight years later they had changed their minds. There were a number of reasons for this, some religious, some just biological, but Dad got “unfixed” and they started a second family.

I was 11. This provided me with a good view of what it takes to take care of babies. Our church at the time had only one other family with four kids. Four was a lot. Three was much better, four was just excessive. While picking up my baby sister from the nursery one day, the pianist commented disapprovingly to me that my parents had too many kids and they needed to stop. As the second-born, I suppose I would have been spared but I was so shocked that I said nothing and just walked away.

When I was 14 another baby came along. This one provided me with a good view of what is like to lose a baby. She had a chromosomal defect that made her incompatible with life. We held her and took care of her for the four days she lived after birth. Last month my Grandfather died and my mother put my sister’s urn with him.

My mother couldn’t end on such a sad note so one year and one day after my sister died, another girl was born. This one provided me with someone to play Legend of Zelda games for me. I don’t like playing them, but I love watching them. She moved in with us last year to go to college and is currently playing the new Zelda for our entertainment. And hers too, I assume. Then our last sister was born a few years later leaving the tally at seven living kids.

Like the pianist, many people seem to think that seven is a lot. Since that time, I’ve met many people with many, many more kids. Kids that are planned for, well loved, and taken care of. I married a man who also came from a family of seven.

A few months ago my mother in law said something that bothered me. She was commenting on her nephew’s wife who had only one child and no intention of having another. “It makes me sad to think what she is missing out on!”

I think my mother in law would have had many more than seven kids if she could have. Some people seem to be mentally built for that. Her niece in law (whatever that is called) had severe postpartum depression and just couldn’t handle the thought of going through that again.

But it bothers me! Just think what I’m missing out on!

It took four years of trying to get pregnant with my first. I took him to work with me at the small family business I worked part-time at. He was our office baby. I think I still have the uniform shirt they made for him. He was sweet and quiet, a great napper and a happy toddler.

My second came after little effort and didn’t stop screaming until he was seven or eight months old. I quit working when he was born. That time in my life is a little hazy and I was miserable. I have a few videos of me trying to play with my toddler while I had put the baby on the floor in another room. You can hear him wailing as he tries to crawl to get to me. He was the type of baby that wailed on the floor, in the bed, when he was fed, after he was fed, when you picked him up, when you put him down, and it was shrill and mind-numbing. My only consolation was that my neighbor’s baby was even worse.

I was done. I had planned on having at least four kids but I that was horrible, and while he improved as he grew, he was still a difficult child. When he was two I told my husband he needed to get fixed and that’s when we discovered I was pregnant again.

This time we had a girl, and she was a laid back, very happy baby. She didn’t get her teeth until she was 11 months old. She was so sweet and so happy, it was a repeat of baby #1. I was happy I had her.

We did nothing preventative so #4 came along as they do, He is different from the rest in that he is talking way earlier. It is bizarre to me to hear a child under two speaking full, clear sentences. I suppose if the others had been talking as early, they would have said some of the same things. A child of barely two has a different brain than a child of three or four. I decided that four was good number so while I was pregnant and people asked how many I wanted, I assured them that he was the last.

Naturally I got pregnant again, while was I trying not to nag my husband to fix that problem. Considering how hard it was to have the 1st one, it’s become remarkably easier as I’ve gotten older. (I am aware, of course, that I could have stuff done, but I want something reversible and the least invasive thing is for him to deal with it.)

#5 has been a very sweet baby as well. Out of the five, only #2 was a traumatic baby. All the rest have been wonderful babies. #5 is my second girl, and I’m very happy to have balanced them out somewhat.

Still, I’m done. No more kids. #5 just turned one and now I want another baby. Again. Because I’m crazy. My mother tells me that desire didn’t go away for her until menopause.

I’ve discovered a number of things the I would never have known had I stopped at two.

  • I am allergic to giving birth. Or perhaps to the milk hormones that rush in a few days after giving birth. Whatever the reason, I get hives when my milk comes in. Originally the doctors thought it was some of the medications I was on so they told me not to take them, but it kept happening. #4 I was able to have at home, almost completely drug free which confirmed that it was giving birth that was the problem.
  • Ultrasounds that involve the sex reveal cause boys. For all three of my boys we found out their sex before they were born, but both my girls we didn’t. Fact!
  • I hate homeschooling. I think I would have discovered this with two kids, but having babies around while trying to teach is really hard.
  • The more babies I have the better I get at nursing. Practice makes perfect! A few more kids and I’ll have it down!
  • The first child is the hardest adjustment. Unless there are things like physical disabilities each subsequent child is significantly easier. I often get asked how I do it, and I usually say I don’t know. I just do. I suspect I would fall apart if I had twins … unless I actually had them and then I would figure it out. We would have to buy a bigger car, though.
  • The joke that goes “before I had kids I had six theories on child rearing, now I have six and no theories” is true. Each child is very different.

The sister living with us now is 21. She has been helpful watching the kids for me so I can do simple things like go grocery shopping without a gaggle. I took her and all the kids with me to Costco one day and it traumatized her pretty well. I may have enjoyed that too much. My kids are actually pretty well behaved, I can’t imagine trying to shop with bad kids.

I love having little sisters. We older kids were born in the early ’80s and the younger three from ’91 to ’99. I have been married for most of younger ones’ lives. They can barely remember before I moved out. They’ve had a very different life and it’s fun to be able to yell at my own sister, “Back in my day…!” There is a different dynamic in the relationships. Something I would never have been able to experience had my parents not changed their minds about their family.

This bothers me immensely in ways I don’t think it should. Back to what my mother in law said, “Think what she’s missing out on!” I’m not sure what all goes into other people’s choice regarding family size. Where I am at right now there is a lot of support for larger families, so socially, that is not much of an issue. Practically, people don’t need to have a bunch of kids to make sure that some survive, or to work on a farm. The thing that bothers me is that if I stop at five, am depriving my kids of little siblings like I have? What am I missing out on?

Intellectually I know this is absurd. My little sisters don’t have siblings 15 years younger and I don’t have siblings 15 years older. It has to begin and end somewhere. I envy my friends whose practical reality has overcome their base emotional desire. I cannot fault the niece for her choice to stop at one, any more than I can fault other friends for stopping at two or three. There is a limit to what we can handle, and while I think most people can take more than they think, it is important to ask if we should. And I don’t want to take more that I think I can. I don’t know if I’ve hit my limit, but I can tell it is difficult to spread myself out over all the responsibilities that five generates. I am not a people person. It is draining to be around five little people all the time and adding to that number could, I think, be unkind to the kids I have now. I always want another baby, probably because I’m a crazy woman, but they don’t stay babies, and that has to be considered.

This is a problem I never considered when I was newly married. I had such a hard time getting pregnant I never thought I would have a hard time not getting pregnant.

I enjoy my kids. Except my husband just dumped the baby in my lap. I guess I’m done here. There might be a poopy diaper too…

I’m going to end this with a Dad joke. Even though it has too long of a set up. My most recent niece is a girl named Carter. While still inside, she was found to have spina bifida so when she was born she had to have several surgeries along her lower spine to close the hole as well as a shunt installed in her head for drainage. She stayed in the hospital for a fortnight and when I heard they were taking her home I wondered to my husband how they would take her home. It seemed to me there might be and issue with laying her in the car seat on her back. He gave me that look and said, “Isn’t it obvious?”

Me: Blank look.

Him, with enthusiasm: “They’ll cart ‘er home!”

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  1. JustmeinAZ Member
    JustmeinAZ
    @JustmeinAZ

    This is a lovely story. I am the oldest of 6 but never wanted many myself (had 2). Actually I don’t even like children. But I greatly admire those of you who are doing the good work of populating the country with nice kids. I love seeing large families, probably because I think they are nice people who love kids.

    • #1
  2. TempTime Member
    TempTime
    @TempTime

    Enjoyed reading this a bunch.  Thanks.  I am #5 of 9  … I never thought it was too many kids when I was a kid.  However, as an adult, I look back and think my parents were crazy; but I’m happy for every one of us.

    • #2
  3. Nymeria Inactive
    Nymeria
    @Nymeria

    I am 9 of 10 and many times I wished my Mom didn’t have so many children.  It was a hard, crowded, scarce filled life. My parents couldn’t and didn’t cope well. I know that some large families do fine but for most it isn’t all that great.  I do appreciate having most of my siblings now in adulthood but the harsh life we lived was not good.  If you are unable to cope and provide enough emotional support to each child I would caution you on having more.

    • #3
  4. Phil Turmel Inactive
    Phil Turmel
    @PhilTurmel

    I am #5 of 7.  My father was #6 of 11, and my mom was #3 of 5.  We had really big family parties.

    My wife has one sister.  Her mother is an only child.  Her father is #7 of 9, and his family has all kinds of drama.

    I thought “more is better”.  She thought “one is enough”.  We ended up with three, though the youngest was after a spell of trouble.  I can’t imagine not having them, and wonder what the ones we lost would have been like.

    • #4
  5. danys Thatcher
    danys
    @danys

    #7 of 8 here. Sometimes older siblings commented that our parents shouldn’t have had so many of us because there were times they didn’t seem able to cope, couldn’t give each of us the attention we needed. Pretty easy for the older ones to say that because they would still be alive; not sure 6-8 would be.

    I love being part of a large family. With elderly parents we have different talents that we use to care for them. Grandchildren range in age from 9-39. Family gatherings are wild and require plenty of space.

    Because of biology I’ve only been able to have 2 children and they are gifts from God: imperfect and interesting.

    • #5
  6. Qoumidan Coolidge
    Qoumidan
    @Qoumidan

    JustmeinAZ (View Comment):
    This is a lovely story. I am the oldest of 6 but never wanted many myself (had 2). Actually I don’t even like children. But I greatly admire those of you who are doing the good work of populating the country with nice kids. I love seeing large families, probably because I think they are nice people who love kids.

    I don’t like other people’s kids, I like my kids.  I can handle other people’s kids in small doses.  I am in awe of the people I know who teach or work with big groups of other people’s kids.

    • #6
  7. skipsul Inactive
    skipsul
    @skipsul

    Qoumidan: Ultrasounds that involve the sex reveal cause boys. For all three of my boys we found out their sex before they were born, but both my girls we didn’t. Fact!

    Umm – 4 daughters here.  Had ultrasounds on 3, only the first was a surprise.

    Qoumidan: The first child is the hardest adjustment. Unless there are things like physical disabilities each subsequent child is significantly easier. I often get asked how I do it, and I usually say I don’t know. I just do. I suspect I would fall apart if I had twins… unless I actually had them and then I would figure it out. We would have to buy a bigger car, though.

    We found that the jump from 2 to 3 was almost as hard as from 0 to 1, especially since they were only 18 months apart.  When #4 came along we just rolled with it.

    We have friends, though, who have families of 8 and 10 – the latter are home schooled.  They’re a good crew (though they do devour the pizza when they visit).

    • #7
  8. Phil Turmel Inactive
    Phil Turmel
    @PhilTurmel

    A note about other peoples kids:  teen boys are ssooooooo much easier to deal with than teen girls.  My son could have numerous boys over for rowdy game nights and the only inconvenience was tiptoeing around their bodies in the living room first thing in the morning.  With my girls, events with more than one guest were filled with drama upon drama. /-:

    • #8
  9. TempTime Member
    TempTime
    @TempTime

    Phil Turmel (View Comment):
    My wife has one sister. Her mother is an only child. Her father is #7 of 9, and his family has all kinds of drama.

    LOL!  Yes, sometimes lots of drama — still today a zillion years later!  (I have a couple siblings who think they should be treated like divas).  I’m sure if someone asked one or more of my 4 brothers or 4 sisters, some/most would have a different take on large families.  “Scarce resources” is a good way to characterize the challenges.  I think much of how a particular child perceived the situation is somewhat related to birth order, but more importantly perhaps to overall temperament.  I was a very independent minded, self-sufficient, precocious tomboy, so I scarcely even noticed I was the middle child, and never felt lost in the crowd.  But sadly, I have some siblings who sometimes did feel lost.

     

    • #9
  10. RushBabe49 Thatcher
    RushBabe49
    @RushBabe49

    I’m one of two.  When I was a teenager, I tried babysitting, which I turned out not to like or be very good at.  I decided very early on that I would not be a fit parent, so I made it permanent quite early.  I have never regretted that decision.  My sister had the kids, two.  One followed in Dad’s footsteps (lawyer), married to a beautiful Iranian lady, and they will probably have lots of kids (her parents and grandparents are eager for that).  The other child, girl, is homosexual.

    I love meeting other peoples’ kids, especially well-behaved ones.  Qoumidan brought the baby to our meet up last year, and both are wonderful!  Child-rearing is the most important task a human being can have, and I admire those who can do it.

    • #10
  11. VUtah Member
    VUtah
    @VUtah

    I’m actually one of Danys’s older siblings: I’m #5 child #4 daughter. I have one child – I was 37 when I had him and felt that he was all that I could manage. When he was about 4, he told me that my parents had too many children. I told him that if they had not had five children, I would not be around and there would be no him. Then I told him if they didn’t have two more after me, there would be no T (Danys’s daughter) and his favorite cousin. And if they hadn’t had #8, poor Uncle M would have been an only boy with all those sisters. He never said anything like that again.

    • #11
  12. Bryan G. Stephens Thatcher
    Bryan G. Stephens
    @BryanGStephens

    Bless you.

    • #12
  13. Cow Girl Thatcher
    Cow Girl
    @CowGirl

    I am #3 of 8. And Mr. CowGirl and I have 5. We were going to have 6, but the pregnancy for #5 convinced me that I was finished with bearing children. He didn’t really like children when we first married, and didn’t really want them any time soon. Then he got an injury to a strategic part of his body, and after it healed, he felt anxious that maybe he wouldn’t be able to be a father. Well, three years, and three kids later, that was proved to be not a problem. When our first was born—Daddy was overcome with love. There really isn’t anything like your own children.

    I’m so glad we had our five. It got easier after three–we already knew how to handle more than one child; so basically it was just more laundry and more groceries. The large family (6 girls and 2 boys) that I grew up in was common place in the 50s and 60s. We got along fine, and because of the farm work, we all helped our parents, and we all helped each other. When my husband and I came along with our five kids in the 70s and 80s, we were total freaks in our world!

    I’ll bet you get snide comments and The Look, @Qoumidan! But, truly–it’s none of their business! You love those children, and enjoy them, and when they grow up and give you grandchildren, you’ll discover a whole new world of joy!

    • #13
  14. Petty Boozswha Inactive
    Petty Boozswha
    @PettyBoozswha

    I bet you learn you’re pregnant tomorrow.

    • #14
  15. Sash Member
    Sash
    @Sash

    I like that you are so open and that you are actually brave enough to talk about family size.

    I have six, one adopted.  Other people’s judgement comes with the territory. Annoying. If they only understood that children are the multipliers of joy.

    Like your parents, we have a nice gap, which made the last two such a joy!  I had all the baby fun, all the toddler fun, with a baby sitter to get me out of the house without guilt, or money!

    And my last two are girls, and their sisters, and sisters in law are still a help to me, and them, as they become young adults.

    At first I was so leery of the grandkids, not quite mine, not quite someone else’s, kids, I got used to it, and they are such a joy!  I feel like a success because my smart successful children are deciding they want big families too, because they don’t want to miss out, don’t want their kids to miss out, on all that chaos joyful chaos.

    I’m starting to feel the responsibility of being an example to my grandkids.  To show them a better way than what most of the world shows them.

    • #15
  16. Painter Jean Moderator
    Painter Jean
    @PainterJean

    I’m #6 out of 6. I’m an orthodox Catholic, and before moving to our lovely little town we were members of a very orthodox Catholic parish. Large families were common and were a delight to see. Most seemed happy and stable. Some of my friends with large families had incredibly rude and hostile comments directed to them in public places like stores or parks. The Catholic Church in this town, however, is what I call “Catholic Lite” – some would use the term “cafeteria Catholic”. There are no large families – zip, zero, nada.

    • #16
  17. Henry Castaigne Member
    Henry Castaigne
    @HenryCastaigne

    Phil Turmel (View Comment):
    A note about other peoples kids: teen boys are ssooooooo much easier to deal with than teen girls. My son could have numerous boys over for rowdy game nights and the only inconvenience was tiptoeing around their bodies in the living room first thing in the morning. With my girls, events with more than one guest were filled with drama upon drama. /-:

    At the risk of sounding sexist, everything you said correlates exactly with my experiences. With white girls anyway. In China it seems like females of every age get along better.

    • #17
  18. Israel P. Inactive
    Israel P.
    @IsraelP

    I’m the eldest of seven. Five in five and a quarter years (4 & 5 twins). #6 was three and a half years later and 7 when I was a senior in high school. No one is extra. (Two are gone now.)

    My father had an aunt who succeeded in having her one child after nineteen years of marriage. She used to ask if we were secret Catholics. That was after the twins.

    • #18
  19. Henry Castaigne Member
    Henry Castaigne
    @HenryCastaigne

    Sash (View Comment):
    I’m starting to feel the responsibility of being an example to my grandkids. To show them a better way than what most of the world shows them.

    @ Sash

    Dennis Prager once said that his parents were too busy working to raise him or his siblings. American culture raised him as much as his parents. It’s hard to imagine anything like that nowadays.

    • #19
  20. CB Toder aka Mama Toad Member
    CB Toder aka Mama Toad
    @CBToderakaMamaToad

    I’m the fifth of six and Papa Toad and I have six, boy boy girl boy boy girl.

    If I didn’t have several long-term tick-borne infections that could affect a baby in utero I might have had more.

    My mother-in-law once told me with disgust that no one should have five children. She was speaking generally, not personally and didn’t appreciate the irony as I did! She loves all her grandchildren though, even #5 & #6.

    I’m Catholic; Papa Toad is a mostly not very observant Jew, and we teach natural family planning or NFP. Lest you laugh and say it obviously doesn’t work, Papa Toad and I have had super mutual fertility. We could practically look at each other and conceive. Our children are deliberately more than two years apart and conversely we know of children whose parents were able to bring them into this world because of the knowledge we gave their parents, so NFP is not about birth prevention but rather human education about the true nature of the sexual powers and how to integrate the human person.

    (cont)

    • #20
  21. CB Toder aka Mama Toad Member
    CB Toder aka Mama Toad
    @CBToderakaMamaToad

    (cont)

    As such, I feel sad when I hear people speak of “fixing” themselves or their spouses when they mean damaging a healthy fertility system.

    And people like my sister who finally conceived after 14 years of marriage want to warn them not to disparage such a precious gift.

    At the same time, unless they’ve told you about their fertility decisions, there is no way to judge what is in people’s hearts by the size of their family. I’m all for openness to life, culture of life, babies God’s gift to the world, but it isn’t always something we can control.

    • #21
  22. Old Bathos Member
    Old Bathos
    @OldBathos

    Qoumidan (View Comment):

    JustmeinAZ (View Comment):
    This is a lovely story. I am the oldest of 6 but never wanted many myself (had 2). Actually I don’t even like children. But I greatly admire those of you who are doing the good work of populating the country with nice kids. I love seeing large families, probably because I think they are nice people who love kids.

    I don’t like other people’s kids, I like my kids. I can handle other people’s kids in small doses. I am in awe of the people I know who teach or work with big groups of other people’s kids.

    I have always found the sound of other people’s kids misbehaving to be strangely soothing.

    • #22
  23. Old Bathos Member
    Old Bathos
    @OldBathos

    We have eight children [See icon–rather dated family pic].  Of course, we ran with a pretty fertile crowd so it did not seem outre.  An older friend with 13 kids (a computer guy) claimed that once you reach 5 it becomes a largely self-sustaining system.  His saintly wife did not agree with that analysis.  My wife teaches elementary school and is immersed in concern for other people’s children nut never missed a beat raising her own,

    I have some millennial colleagues and co-workers for whom the subject of marriage and kids provokes unbridled terror.  Marriage is merely an unnecessary vulnerability to betrayal.  Children magnify that vulnerability and also destroy personal freedom.  A generation with many bitterly divorced parents can be forgiven for having some reservations about marriage but the illusions about ‘freedom’ are less understandable. What is it you do that you could not do if you had kids? A social life of causal sex, intoxicants and other entertainments designed to stave off horror vacui? What use is freedom if one never actually selects any substantive available choices and instead simply ages badly in the company of other unfinished ‘freedom-preservers’?

    Many who do make a baby seem to be in a kind of semi-parental limbo.  One child, largely raised by paid care-givers or otherwise kept at arm’s length from the mission that is lifestyle.  A long time ago I wrote about where that might take us as a nation.

    • #23
  24. Painter Jean Moderator
    Painter Jean
    @PainterJean

      Old Bathos A generation with many bitterly divorced parents can be forgiven for having some reservations about marriage but the illusions about ‘freedom’ are less understandable. What is it you do that you could not do if you had kids? A social life of causal sex, intoxicants and other entertainments designed to stave off horror vacui? What use is freedom if one never actually selects any substantive available choices and instead simply ages badly in the company of other unfinished ‘freedom-preservers’?

    Great comment, thanks for your insight.

     

    • #24
  25. Kim K. Inactive
    Kim K.
    @KimK

    I’m the 3rd of 6 and my husband is 3rd of 5. We had 4 kids and decided that was enough so I had my tubes tied and almost instantly regretted it. (See Mama Toad above about shutting off healthy systems.)

    We ended up adopting three more kids. You don’t get the “hey, don’t you know what causes that?” and “I bet that was a big surprise!” when you adopt kids. Everyone knows they are planned additions!

    We have a joke at our house that we never knew how many kids was the right number to have. After we had #7 – who is now nearly 16 and who has gone kicking and screaming through every life stage – we decided that the perfect number of kids is 6!

     

     

    • #25
  26. Painter Jean Moderator
    Painter Jean
    @PainterJean

    CB Toder aka Mama Toad (View Comment):
    (cont)

    As such, I feel sad when I hear people speak of “fixing” themselves or their spouses when they mean damaging a healthy fertility system.

    Yes, “fixing” is a curious term for the procedure. A bit like “fixing” functioning eyesight by sticking a pencil into the eyeballs….

     

    • #26
  27. C. U. Douglas Coolidge
    C. U. Douglas
    @CUDouglas

    I’m number two of three. My sister had three kids. My lovely wife Amanda and I just had our second six months ago. We started late, I’m 45 and she’s younger than me, and for several reasons we doubt there will be three or more. When I was young I always wanted a large family, but I guess that wasn’t going to happen.

    • #27
  28. Stina Inactive
    Stina
    @CM

    I’m #1 if 5 and husband, #2 of 3. I wanted 6, he wanted 3…

    After 2 pregnancies with hyperemesis and a terror of a 2nd (she’s still a stubborn terror, but a loving, sweetheart and a good friend), we were “done” and were then surprised by #3 and even worse hyperemesis.

    He is now “fixed” and I’m still working my way through that 2 to 3 transition. I haven’t been to the gym in 18 months, my house is much harder to clean and I fight the urge to run from my laundry.

    I am impressed by those here with big families. I admire you and if you find time to blog, I want to read your tips and wisdom.

    • #28
  29. Instugator Thatcher
    Instugator
    @Instugator

    I am the first of 10, once divorce(s), a mistress and re-re marriage is taken into account. I only lived with one of my sisters when I was growing up.

    JoALT and I have three kids and they are the light of our life. We have always said we wished we had met in our 20’s because we would have many more.

    Beautiful essay and thank you.

     

    • #29
  30. RushBabe49 Thatcher
    RushBabe49
    @RushBabe49

    In my travels through life, the only large family that I found I resented was the family I learned about when I was a hospital pharmacy technician at Seattle Children’s Hospital.  That was the family with three children, all three of whom had Cystic Fibrosis. As could be expected, the family was on Medicaid, with the state paying for much of their complicated medical care.  They were all in and out of the hospital constantly.  If you had one child with CF, wouldn’t you stop having children at one?

    • #30
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