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What Does It Mean to Be Good?
After listening to the most recent GLOP podcast, I started to think about the meaning of being good. John Podhoretz mentioned the death of Gene Wilder; he shared that Wilder had been obsessed with being good. Anything taken to an extreme, such as an obsession, can be a detriment to our lives: the obsession becomes the center of our universe and everything else is secondary. The story caused me to think about my own commitment to being good, what that meant to me, and how I acted upon it.
As a child, I practiced being good to avoid getting into trouble! But as I matured, I realized that intuitively I wanted to do good because G-d expected me to. Finally, I chose to be and do good because I wanted to serve G-d. Although goodness is partly an “inside job,” it is also demonstrated in how we act in the world. So I can think about good things I’d like to do, but unless I actually do them, I am not fulfilling my understanding of being good.
I spent a little time exploring how others saw being good. In one article the writer suggested the following:
Always ask yourself: Am I defining “good” as that which looks good to the fast-food-Internet-Hollywood segment of society, or am I defining “good” as that which has real meaning, a deep message, and makes a valuable contribution to society?
To be good, we also are called to do things that we really don’t want to do, or that are unpleasant. To be with my husband who has a condition that causes him to cough, often loudly, can be challenging. How can I be a good person around him and in a way that helps him? There are times when I think I can’t bear another moment. But then I stop my flailing thoughts, breathe deeply, continue my knitting or reading, and allow him to do what he needs to do; that, for me, is being good.
I also love to lead my meditation group and to be a hospice volunteer. Visits with friends and being present for them are also ways to be good. Being good for me also demands that I only do as much as I can, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Lots of people spread more goodness than I do, but I know my limitations, and to be good for everyone, including myself, I find a balance in those activities.
Am I always good? Hardly! Sometimes I am selfish, self-centered and clueless. But I am also human. And like many folks, I do my best.
Some of you may think that you do things in the unfolding of your lives but you don’t think about whether they are good or not. You just do them because they call to be done. In my view, that is the actualization of a deeply held goodness.
So my heart goes out to someone like Gene Wilder. I expect that he was a good person, even if he was obsessed with being good. My hope for him is that he was able to embrace his goodness in ways that were fulfilling and rewarding for him, as well as for others.
So what does it mean for you to be good? What is your own definition? Why is it important to you? How do you teach it to your children? How do you act upon it in the world?
Published in Religion & Philosophy
Sometimes I use humor to say serious things.
Sometimes, in a rough patch, continued existence, without unnecessarily burdening others with one’s own frustration, may be the best a body can do.
I haven’t been good mostly, but sometimes I am. I think I’m more of a good person the older I get. On the whole, I hope to God there isn’t a “defending your life” thing at the end where they play your life back to you.
No, FJ/JG…merely close to breaking my own “no politics/culture wars” embargo; not a ban in the strictly-R> sense; mea culpa for the clumsy communication….
I think all this talk about goodness is just petty self indulgence. The Bible is pretty clear….”there is none who does good….no not one.” I often think about the Plutocrat and the Tax collector, both in the temple praying. The Plutocrat says….Thank You that I am not like these others…look at all the good things I do….I pray and fast and give to the poor…..But the tax collector stood afar off and would not lift his eyes…and he beat his breast and cried out in his heart…..God have mercy on me a sinner! I think cultivating the tax collector’s attitude would put to rest all the worry about being/doing good. Of course, someone noted that though the tax collector was suitably humble and contrite, he had to leave the temple sometime and how long would the humility last? To tell the truth I don’t spend much time worrying about goodness, not nearly as much time as I spend on arrogance and pride, in myself and others. There is a line in The Sound and the Fury where Quintin muses….along these lines….I concluded that the best thing was to take a man as he wanted to be taken and then leave him alone. I don’t think of myself as good and I don’t care if anyone disagrees. Just leave me alone.
Point taken, Mr. Johnson…I’m not entirely certain that any of us who’ve shared here feel assured of our eternal destiny; nor do I sense preening of any sort…I apologize if I’ve mischaracterized you or anyone else on this thread. Peace be with you…May your requested solitude bring blessings.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Michael. A couple of thoughts in response. One could use talking about goodness as an opportunity for self-indulgence. I have found for the most part, however, that people are really hard on themselves. That they think they are lacking and offer very little. Part of my goal for this post was for some people to recognize that when they recognize the goodness in themselves, they notice it in others, too. This can be a very uplifting experience in a world that can otherwise be ugly and narcissistic. So we lift each other up by helping each other, loving each other and appreciating each other. It is a creative process where we can grow not only in our earthly relationships but in our relationship with G-d. If you so choose, I will now leave you alone.
Good point.
To be honest, neither do I.
But I’ll be honest about another thing: I’m not sure my way – that is, finding it impossible to think of myself as good – is the best way. To the contrary, it seems to foster some profound defects that those who are able to think better of themselves seem more agile at either avoiding or overcoming.
So I do not begrudge others for thinking better of themselves than I do of myself. Instead I think, even acknowledging the risk of hubris and self-flattery involved, that they’re onto something: being able to think well of oneself provides an impetus to be better that can be pretty hard to fake.
Midge, it really seems to do with recognition of oneself as a child of G-d – and amazed gratitude for the active grace of G-d at work in and through one’s life – daily. Thus, no room for hubris or preening of any sort: all is grace and gift – to be accepted or rejected…
Very interesting, Midge. Maybe we should view “self-regard” on a scale? So if a person is at one far end of the scale, self-hate, and the other end, for the sake of argument is narcissism, most of us fall somewhere in between. That somewhere is certainly healthier overall. Maybe self-esteem is in the middle of the scale. It would seem at the far ends, goodness is a non-issue. Dennis Prager raged against the whole self-esteem movement (rightly so, I think) because we were praising kids just for existing, not for the good that they did. That middle-of the-scale place is pretty wide, and of course we traverse it depending on where we are in general in life, or at any given period. When we feel dejected and hopeless, one way to pull ourselves out of the doldrums is to do something for someone else which moves us to the middle of the scale; we feel better about ourselves. When we allow ourselves to get over-inflated (ain’t I the greatest), something needs to bump us so we can see where we are and whether we’re being generous with others. Again, when we move to the middle of the scale, life lightens and becomes more joyous. And if we are religious, that middle place is where we reach up to G-d. I have no idea if that makes sense, but it’s a thought.
I was not trying to make a point about anyone
Nanda, I have to admit I have no idea what you are talking about.
Response probably came from a misapprehension on my part; of a sense of censure for even bringing up the subject…I agree that the self-esteem culture run-amok is a problem. I also abhor our “drop-of-a-hat-confessional” culture…I do see us all “growing alone together” on our way Home. Thanks for the opportunity to clarify.
Well, all I can say is your experience with other people’s self assessment and mine are not alike. Just so you’ll know….I went to sea for 35 years as a marine engineer. A pretty solitary existence. I have never been much for helping, loving and appreciating others, not in a way that I would talk about. . That does not mean that I have not had a share in proclaiming Christ and helping those around me. Sorry if I offended.
I know what you mean, but one can intellectually assent to all of the above and still…
I once got in trouble round these parts for saying humans might reach a point where even gratitude itself seems to indict them, but I stand by what I said – it is possible for the human soul to paint itself into that kind of corner, even while doing what is commonly done to acknowledge the grace of God.
We are born obligated.
I think especially for the “good conservative”, gratitude by itself is never enough. That acceptable progress be made fulfilling obligations and expectations is very important, unless there is a very good reason that it can’t be done – and even “very good” reasons are (often not without justification) subject to a degree of scrutiny and suspicion we consider rude to apply to other sorts of claims about the self, perhaps under the hope that it will be more comfortable to “do the impossible” and fulfill the obligations anyhow than it will be to leave them unfulfilled.
If all is gift, where is obligation – other than that one takes on freely – (from gratitude rather than burden or servile fear)? It took me a looooong time to come to this, and I’m still not sitting-pretty, believe me. :-)
Well, we do have an obligation to remain faithful even when we’re “not feeling it”, meaning, during times of “not feeling it”, gratitude itself takes on the color of obligation.
After all, we’re not supposed to be led around the nose by our inconstant feelings, especially when we have good reason to believe that our feeling should be more distrusted than usual. But during the “dry periods”, even what is technically not an obligation may be experienced as one. Given that it’s normal to use passions as fuel, even though we know passions don’t belong behind the steering wheel, and that the normal state of things is to have our experience at least loosely correlate with reality, it does not surprise me that the experience of being obligated – and only obligated – in such a state is such a strong one, even with “obligations” that, technically speaking, either should not exist, or only exist voluntarily.
We can say that those who dread parties thrown for them, because those parties come with gifts, and those gifts entail obligations, and they just don’t know how they’re going to handle all those new obligations right now – arrrgh! – are probably in a bad place, perhaps incapable of genuinely appreciating the very idea of “gift” even if they fulfill the social obligations of receiving gifts perfectly. I’m not pointing out these states are right. Merely that they exist.
Oh, I see, you’re using ‘obligation’ in the sense of ‘perseverance’ for part of the discussion here: I heartily concur that existence is a gift that has costs, that doesn’t always feel like one…But, I’m committed to fostering an attitude of gratitude in my own life – as a memorial to those who gave me a chance to try…Hopefully, one day, it’ll fit the “in spite of days”, too.
My goodness, you didn’t offend me at all! I was just further exploring some of my own ideas in contrast to yours. There are many who prefer solitude–I’m an introvert myself, believe it or not. You sound like a good man, and any way you act to fulfill your faith is probably admirable. Thanks for your response.
I so am enjoying the thoughts you and Nanda are sharing. I agree that we are obligated, if we choose to serve G-d or simply to be of service to our communities, to act on your beliefs. Otherwise we are likely to lead an insular and self-centered life. I know people who are like that, and they can choose to do that, but if they give reasons for not doing anything, they are IMHO just making excuses. We don’t all have to be St. Theresa, but we all have something to offer, however modest.
What I like about these, Podkayne is your words “being attentive”; we don’t have to be paranoid or obsessed when we struggle, or when we see others stuck in the material. We can only reflect on where we are and why we might be there, and if we see others stuck, we are not in a place to correct them, but rather hope they see their own stuckness and suffering. Thanks.
Although I don’t think I’m the most spiritually gifted person in the world, Nanda, I am so grateful for gratitude (as silly as that sounds). My experience has been that my gratitude has naturally arisen: I am so surprised when others can be so helpful, so interested, so engaged that gratitude is a natural outcome. And I think with gratitude, compassion and care have the opportunity to bloom, too. And then more gratitude, of course!
A well-formed conscience might be of help. How you obtain one is another question.
I’d listen to mine, but my mom told me not to talk to strangers.
You don’t have to talk. Just listen.
You see, Basil, you do know how to achieve a well-formed conscience! It is about listening, reflecting, observing and then weighing what is called for, and then evaluating outcomes. Of course, one could ask what the heck all that means!
well done Sir.
Sounds a bit too analytical for me, Susan. I think habituation is a better path. At least if you assume that people have an innate sense of right and wrong (a conscience) and need to keep it functioning.
So much wisdom and caring here, Susan. I know you are a blessing to those whose lives you touch. In answer to your query as how one may do good . . as my autumn mood creates self-doubt and melancholy . . . my stumbling self admonishes me: “First do no harm. First do no harm.” I pray my presence in others’ lives at least serves as a candle held forth to throw a little light.
Susan, when I joined ricochet I didn’t expect it to become such a Jewish/Christian dialogue ( not that I mind, I just didn’t expect it). But if you ask these questions, I’m going to give the best answer I can. Here goes: it’s impossible for man to be good, perfectly good. Everything we do and say and think is infected with our own sin and selfishness. Only G-d is good. ” if he were to mark our iniquities, who could stand?” No one can stand before G-d in his own righteousness. What we need is someone to be good for us, someone who brings a perfect vicarious righteousness or alien righteousness and gives us credit for it in spite of our shame and guilt. Otherwise, like Isaiah, we are undone and have no hope.