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Cyberdyne Systems, Inc. Upgrades ‘Hillary’ with Spontaneity Chip
It’s amazing what campaign technology can accomplish these days. Over the weekend, the New York Times reported that nearly lifelike candidate Hillary Clinton will be upgraded with new features including “humor,” “heart,” and “spontaneity.” Engineers at Hillary HQ are confident the new programming will improve her electoral prospects as soon as her personal reset button is activated.
The article shared a behind-the-scenes look at Hillary 16.0 (beta):
In extensive interviews by telephone and at their Brooklyn headquarters last week, Mrs. Clinton’s strategists acknowledged missteps — such as their slow response to questions about her email practices — and promised that this fall the public would see the sides of Mrs. Clinton that are often obscured by the noise and distractions of modern campaigning.
They want to show her humor. The self-effacing kind (“The hair is real, the color isn’t,” she said of her blond bob recently, taking note of Mr. Trump) has played better than her sarcastic retorts, such as when she asked if wiping a computer server was done “with a cloth.”
And, to soothe Democrats uneasy about her shaky poll numbers, they want her to relentlessly contrast herself with Republicans, saying she is at her best when showing willingness to do battle.
“The true game changer is when there’s a personified opponent,” said her communications director, Jennifer Palmieri.
The good news is that New Hillary is built to be more human than human. The bad news? Her actual human programmers use phrases like “when there’s a personified opponent.”
Democrats remain hopeful that Hill 15.0 will escape polling’s uncanny valley and redefine herself to a public that has known her for a quarter century. If it doesn’t work, expect to see new upgrades in October.
Published in General
Sirius Cybernetics and Zuse GmbH (Schweinfurt, Zurich, Asuncion) announce Hil16.03, shipping in Q4. She is Maria, the naughty robot last seen in the motion picture Metropolis, repurposed for modern politics, indeed all valid societal interactions, not excluding those involving some elements approximating joyfulness or “fun.” She is the crowning achievement of the Die Zukunft: schwer zufrieden zu stellen project.
An early beta tester says of this exciting new production unit: “Chilling, retro, and just a kick and a half to be around.”
(6502 Ha! PlanKalkuel beherrscht!)
You sure it wasn’t the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation?
(Dang. SParker beat me to it. Curses!)
Indeed!
“What we see/What Hillary sees” hahaha! Brilliant.
If she won’t follow State Department policy or, you know, the law, she’s unlikely to follow the Three Laws of Robotics.
Will now kiss human infant, eat corn dog, make homely domestic housekeeping reference, and perform just-us-girls look on the View. With our Press, anything can look like a President.
He’s making sure the robot is plugged in and the cord isn’t tangled.
Yep.
But her staffers want us to believe “[h]er favorite part of the campaign is talking to voters”. That was just one of several laugh-out-loud lines in the NYT article.
The more I see, the more I’m convinced: something horrible happened to Hillary some little while ago, and her desperated campaign staff have trotted out a pant suited Christopher Walken in a bad wig to play the part whilst they frantically gather their scattered marbles. Only thing I can’t understand is how they make him look so short. Must be TV magic.
She needs more cowbell.
Eustace,
As the President has a disdain for the Constitution and HRC just seems to be completely lawless the Three Laws of Robotics would be a huge improvement. However, one wonders about that classified 4th directive. Oh well.
Regards,
Jim