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Cyberdyne Systems, Inc. Upgrades ‘Hillary’ with Spontaneity Chip
It’s amazing what campaign technology can accomplish these days. Over the weekend, the New York Times reported that nearly lifelike candidate Hillary Clinton will be upgraded with new features including “humor,” “heart,” and “spontaneity.” Engineers at Hillary HQ are confident the new programming will improve her electoral prospects as soon as her personal reset button is activated.
The article shared a behind-the-scenes look at Hillary 16.0 (beta):
In extensive interviews by telephone and at their Brooklyn headquarters last week, Mrs. Clinton’s strategists acknowledged missteps — such as their slow response to questions about her email practices — and promised that this fall the public would see the sides of Mrs. Clinton that are often obscured by the noise and distractions of modern campaigning.
They want to show her humor. The self-effacing kind (“The hair is real, the color isn’t,” she said of her blond bob recently, taking note of Mr. Trump) has played better than her sarcastic retorts, such as when she asked if wiping a computer server was done “with a cloth.”
And, to soothe Democrats uneasy about her shaky poll numbers, they want her to relentlessly contrast herself with Republicans, saying she is at her best when showing willingness to do battle.
“The true game changer is when there’s a personified opponent,” said her communications director, Jennifer Palmieri.
The good news is that New Hillary is built to be more human than human. The bad news? Her actual human programmers use phrases like “when there’s a personified opponent.”
Democrats remain hopeful that Hill 15.0 will escape polling’s uncanny valley and redefine herself to a public that has known her for a quarter century. If it doesn’t work, expect to see new upgrades in October.
Published in General
Obviously fake. Missing 6502 assembly language.
Her followers could be called: Hillaroids.
This really is beyond science fiction. By the pic above, the Hil reboot will send out such intense positive vibes that it could cause some random guy behind her to start checkin’ her out.
No, no, look at his lips. He’s about to puke…
I’m thinking minions. And not the cute “Despicable Me” kind.
I took him to be a Secret Service guy checking his email. Ever vigilant.
…or deep in thought wondering what it’s like to give a former FLOTUS secret service protection in prison.
You’re right, lesserson, could be. It also might be that he’s part of her security detail and is so enthralled by her presence that he’s dozed off. That’s why the dark glasses – no-one can tell.
Texting his boss, begging to go back to protecting Bill?
“Ok Franks, I’d like to move towards the car now.”… “Franks, Franks…FRANKS!!”
Listen, and understand! That Terminator is out there! It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.
You win the internet:
Needs the pic to be fully scary.
they need to flip her switch to “irreverent”
Merriam Webster
No upgrade/enhancement required.
Hillary’s spontaneity will be carefully crafted. It’s the sincerity that she’s going to have to fake.
After a quarter-century of cold, venal insincerity, even Lee Strasberg wouldn’t be able to achieve such an accomplishment.
GGofG,
Listen there my good man. When I was a boy I could make a 6502 stand on a single machine op code. Assembly language, what a luxury. You fancy shmancy programmers have no idea what it is for one small squirrel to pull a freight train (my analogy of what a 1 mhz 8 bit processor was being asked to do). Oh sure sure with enough computing horsepower to encode the Library of Congress you guys weren’t even happy with Prologue!!
Don’t even let’s discuss it. Oh…wait a minute..sorry…this post was about HRC and her almost life like personality. Well lucky for her she had some real pros working on her.
Regards,
Jim
Please go away.
Jon,
I know this is off topic but in other late breaking news.
Intel review backs up finding that Clinton emails had ‘top secret’ information
Isn’t it nice to know that at least 3 top intelligence agencies agree that HRC is a @#&*.
Call me Mr. Helpful.
Regards,
Jim
I wonder if Cyberdyne will be able to come up with a sympathy sub-routine where HRH will be able to convincingly argue that all these men are being mean to her because she’s a woman. It will have to sample receiver reaction on-the-fly to determine whether the response is to be “warm sympathy” mode or “moral outrage” mode.
From the one and only Iowahawk:
Wonder how many MSM publications are going to feature that “crazy eyes” photo on their cover like they did with Michelle Bachman?
Do we get a cream to cure us of our Hillaroids? Please tell me its available over-the-counter.
Now I can’t get the image of a skeletal T-800 in a pantsuit out of my head…
She’s looking a little cross-eyed these days.
It’s a neurological panic reaction to being eye-to-eye with strange people – voters no less – without so much as a riser-and-podium to separate her from the lumpenproletariat.
Heh. My initial one-word response when I read this post’s title: Zing!
I’m thinking more Yoyodyne than Cyberdyne:
Let’s just get this straight. Hillary is not a cyborg. She’s a psychopath, ‘mkay?
I mean, someone with a conscience would have said, “I’m sorry I compromised national security by insisting on using an unsecured private server while Secretary of State. And I now realize I’m unfit to be Commander in Chief, therefore, I’m withdrawing from the Democratic primary race to make room for a decent person with better judgment.”
Instead, we hear, “I’m sorry” with the unspoken subtext being [I’m sorry I got caught serving my own interests rather than those of the country and it’s causing my campaign to collapse. I’m sorry you’re all so stupid that I need to hide my naked ambition behind a stupid apology, but here ya’ go! Now give me what I’m entitled to you peasants!]
She’s a national disgrace.
The voters will be telling her “Hasta la vista, baby” soon enough.