What Men Want

 

shutterstock_265843157“[Sex is] a contest to see who cares less, and guys win a lot at caring less,” Amanda says.

A brutal Vanity Fair column about the instant hookup world of Tinder shows one side of what men want and what they don’t. And it’s neither pretty nor surprising.

“When it’s so easy, when it’s so available to you,” Brian says intensely, “… it’s very hard to contain yourself.”

“I don’t want [a relationship],” says Nick. “I don’t want to have to deal with all that—stuff.”

“You can’t be selfish in a relationship,” Brian says. “It feels good just to do what I want.”

In the piece, the author asked young women what percent of young men they thought were in it just for the sex “without any intention of having a relationship with them or perhaps even walking them to the door.”

“One hundred percent,” said Meredith, 20, a sophomore at Bellarmine University in Louisville.

“No, like 90 percent,” said Ashley. “I’m hoping to find the 10 percent somewhere. But every boy I’ve ever met is [just out for sex].”

I don’t presume I know what women want, but it doesn’t seem to be this:

“… it really is kind of destroying females’ self-images,” says Fallon.

“It’s body first, personality second,” says Stephanie.

“Honestly, I feel like the body doesn’t even matter to them as long as you’re willing,” says Reese. “It’s that bad.”

“But if you say any of this out loud, it’s like you’re weak, you’re not independent, you somehow missed the whole memo about third-wave feminism,” says Amanda.

The post had me on the verge of tears for the pain of the women and for the emptiness of the men. We all know –or always knew, until recently — what men want on a primal level. That’s how we were built. But we can grow into what we’re meant to become.

Fortunately, Mona Charen’s Manliness: An Unsung Trait of the Train Heroes saved me from despair over the matter. It gives a far more inspiring view of what men could and should be, and what many men are.

Charen started from the premise that, by nature, men are rambunctious and have violent tendencies, but that Judeo-Christian culture has taught them how to channel their urges into virtuous expression. In contrast, the Vanity Fair article started from the premise that, by nature, men were like women, but the “cultural milieu” had made men pathetic jerks. That all would be good if we weren’t “censured by church or state.” “In a perfect world, we’d all have sex with whomever we want” and we wouldn’t have to worry about jealousy, sexism, or “the still-flickering chance that somebody might fall in love.”

This being Ricochet, the comments section on Charen’s piece was equal to the article. The outpouring of appreciation from men showed what they really crave but can rarely find:

  1. A woman praising masculinity. You can see this reaction whenever women praise men and masculinity.
  2. An inspiring model of who men should be. A model that celebrates masculinity in particular and gender differences in general, instead of denying and demonizing them.

Finding sexual excitement is quite easy today; far too easy. What’s hard, and infinitely more valued, is finding affirmation that women want us to complement them. That they see us not as broken women, but as their other half, appreciated both for our similarities and our differences. Men and women can give each other what they want, and what they need.

Or they can use Tinder.

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  1. Valiuth Inactive
    Valiuth
    @Valiuth

    Z in MT:As George Gilder taught us a long time ago – men are barbarians that are only civilized through marriage to a woman. When men can easily get sex without marriage they have no incentive to become civilized.

    And what Rousseau taught us is that barbarians are free and noble.

    I think the more women are foisted by their own Feminist Petard the better off our civilization will be in the end.

    On the other hand this whole Tinder sexual buffet the article describes seems to be localized in rather large cities and collage areas. I read the article but now I can’t recall of any of the guys and girls interviewed resided in less urban environments. Perhaps the article as is the liberal want is navel gazing into a problem that is quite isolated in a tight urban professional setting that most people don’t belong to. These are the problems of rich yuppie students and business professionals, not the average American.

    • #91
  2. Bkelley14 Inactive
    Bkelley14
    @Bkelley14

    I’m the parent of three attractive twenty somethings who did not find significant others in college — for many reasons (the imbalance mentioned above in the male/female ratio of college attendance is definitely problematic). Tinder is everywhere — urban centers, suburbs and the exurbs. Men no longer seem to want to man up and ask a young woman out in person. It’s easier to swipe. I am only now understanding the horror show that is the “dating” (ha) scene after college for young women who wish to hold themselves to some moral standards.

    • #92
  3. Tom Meyer, Ed. Contributor
    Tom Meyer, Ed.
    @tommeyer

    Bkelley14: I’m the parent of three attractive twenty somethings who did not find significant others in college — for many reasons (the imbalance mentioned above in the male/female ratio of college attendance is definitely problematic). Tinder is everywhere — urban centers, suburbs and the exurbs. Men no longer seem to want to man up and ask a young woman out in person. It’s easier to swipe. I am only now understanding the horror show that is the “dating” (ha) scene after college for young women who wish to hold themselves to some moral standards.

    My guess is that it’ll get better for them. That kind of thing was pretty normal among my peers after graduation but — 12 years later — my Facebook feed is a steady stream of engagement notices, wedding pictures, sonograms*, and toddler pix.

    * In that order.

    • #93
  4. Cat III Member
    Cat III
    @CatIII

    Merina Smith:

    Cat III:

    Z in MT:As George Gilder taught us a long time ago – men are barbarians that are only civilized through marriage to a woman. When men can easily get sex without marriage they have no incentive to become civilized.

    Yeah, monasteries are a breeding ground for the most savage, violent monsters in the world.

    How many men enter monasteries these days?

    Gil Reich:

    And do they do a lot of breeding there? Do you have numbers for this, or are we just having fun demonizing Christians?

    I advise you two take your sarcasm detectors into the shop.

    • #94
  5. Cat III Member
    Cat III
    @CatIII

    Valiuth:

    Z in MT:As George Gilder taught us a long time ago – men are barbarians that are only civilized through marriage to a woman. When men can easily get sex without marriage they have no incentive to become civilized.

    And what Rousseau taught us is that barbarians are free and noble.

    Be careful in attributing that to all of the left. “Socialism or Barbarism” is a concept popular among the hard left.

    • #95
  6. Gil Reich Inactive
    Gil Reich
    @GilReich

    Cat III:

    Merina Smith:

    Cat III:

    Z in MT:As George Gilder taught us a long time ago – men are barbarians that are only civilized through marriage to a woman. When men can easily get sex without marriage they have no incentive to become civilized.

    Yeah, monasteries are a breeding ground for the most savage, violent monsters in the world.

    How many men enter monasteries these days?

    Gil Reich:

    And do they do a lot of breeding there? Do you have numbers for this, or are we just having fun demonizing Christians?

    I advise you two take your sarcasm detectors into the shop.

    Ah. Monasteries don’t have that incentive and are nonetheless civilized. Got it now.

    “Oh, ho, ho, irony! Oh, no, no, we don’t get that here. See, uh, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony’s not really a, a high priority. We haven’t had any irony here since about, uh, ’83, when I was the only practitioner of it. And I stopped because I was tired of being stared at” — Steve Martin in Roxanne

    • #96
  7. Cat III Member
    Cat III
    @CatIII

    Gil Reich:

    Cat III:

    Merina Smith:

    Cat III:

    Z in MT:As George Gilder taught us a long time ago – men are barbarians that are only civilized through marriage to a woman. When men can easily get sex without marriage they have no incentive to become civilized.

    Yeah, monasteries are a breeding ground for the most savage, violent monsters in the world.

    How many men enter monasteries these days?

    Gil Reich:

    And do they do a lot of breeding there? Do you have numbers for this, or are we just having fun demonizing Christians?

    I advise you two take your sarcasm detectors into the shop.

    Ah. Monasteries don’t have that incentive and are nonetheless civilized. Got it now.

    It’s cool. Misinterpretation is easy on the internet.

    • #97
  8. Miffed White Male Member
    Miffed White Male
    @MiffedWhiteMale

    Cat III:

    It’s cool. Misinterpretation is easy on the internet.

    What’s that supposed to mean?

    • #98
  9. iWe Coolidge
    iWe
    @iWe

    Tom Meyer, Ed.: Midge posted this video a while back and it’s really one of the sharpest takes on the matter I’ve ever seen:

    It is good. Except for the idiotic section on pesticides.

    • #99
  10. Ed G. Inactive
    Ed G.
    @EdG

    Gil Reich:

    Cat III:

    Merina Smith:

    Cat III:

    Z in MT:As George Gilder taught us a long time ago – men are barbarians that are only civilized through marriage to a woman. When men can easily get sex without marriage they have no incentive to become civilized.

    Yeah, monasteries are a breeding ground for the most savage, violent monsters in the world.

    How many men enter monasteries these days?

    Gil Reich:

    And do they do a lot of breeding there? Do you have numbers for this, or are we just having fun demonizing Christians?

    I advise you two take your sarcasm detectors into the shop.

    Ah. Monasteries don’t have that incentive and are nonetheless civilized. Got it now.

    …..

    Yeah, but I don’t think the argument is that marriage is the only incentive or process for civilizing men. It’s a big one, to be sure, but others exist too – like religion.

    • #100
  11. Jimmy Carter Member
    Jimmy Carter
    @JimmyCarter

    Frank Soto: Women also want to have sex, and in the case of a guy who is significantly more attractive relative to the woman, he is letting her have sex with him.

    Spoken like a true Wingman.

    • #101
  12. Whiskey Sam Inactive
    Whiskey Sam
    @WhiskeySam

    Jimmy Carter:

    Frank Soto: Women also want to have sex, and in the case of a guy who is significantly more attractive relative to the woman, he is letting her have sex with him.

    Spoken like a true Wingman.

    This is the true, secret appeal of these dating apps: no wingman necessary; no complaints about grenade duty later.

    • #102
  13. Arizona Patriot Member
    Arizona Patriot
    @ArizonaPatriot

    I am among the first to criticize the 1960s for the decline in traditional morality, much of which was driven by left-wing ideology.  But I recognize that several of the basic facts which supported that traditional morality have changed.  Historically, the facts were:

    1. There was no reliable contraception.  As a matter of biology, the consequences of casual sex were asymmetric as between men and women.   Basic biology made women are the natural goalkeepers in the sexual game.  The Pill changed this.
    2. There was no reliable way to identify the father of a child.  This has two important consequences.  From the female perspective, this lowered the likelihood that a woman having a child out of wedlock could force the father to provide support through the legal system.  From the male perspective, this encouraged having children within marriage, to increase the likelihood that the man would be supporting his own children, not those of another man.  DNA testing changed this.
    3. Babies needed  a mother’s care virtually around-the-clock.  There was no good substitute for breast milk, and sanitary technology was poor, so the survival of a baby depended on constant maternal care.  Improvements in technology, such as formula and disposable diapers, changed this.
    4. Women were extremely vulnerable economically.  Wages were very low; most jobs required substantial physical strength, putting women at a disadvantage; and women were denied entry into professional fields.  Wage growth, technological improvement, and social developments changed this.
    • #103
  14. Cat III Member
    Cat III
    @CatIII

    Those are all good points, Arizona P. Right wing documentarian Ann McElhinney likes to say that the washing machine liberated women more than the pill and I think both did more for women’s progress than the suffragettes. Strangely enough, lefty economist Ha Joon Chang agrees and devotes a chapter of his book, 23 Things They Don’t Tell You About Capitalism, to the subject.

    • #104
  15. Indaba Member
    Indaba
    @

    Frank Soto:

    Wily Penelope:It takes a lot of confidence to deny sex to a guy that you are really interested in. What you are basically conveying is that you are not going to utilize your greatest power because you are confident that you don’t need it to nab him.

    In my experience, women who love men qua men and are comfortable with masculinity are better equipped to close the deal and get the guy to marry them. The ones who are sort of in the dark and confused about what motivates men have a more difficult time because they don’t utilize things like sweetness, flattery, reverence, respect, and innuendo to their advantage.

    Unfortunately, feminism and a loss of fathers in the home have left women sort of in the dark about men, and have contributed to an overall cluelessness and lack of confidence in dealing with them. I think a lot of women go the shack-up route because they think sliding in to marriage is the only chance they’ve got.

    This is a really good observation.

    And then the Whoops, Honey, I’m pregnant strategy usually follows within 6 months.

    • #105
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