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Introducing the Oppression Index!
We’ve all argued with liberals, especially online. The issue could be health care, tax rates or city zoning rules, but they’ll quickly turn their policy disagreement into personal attacks.
Conservative: “I think hiking the minimum wage will reduce jobs.”
Progressive: “You would say that, RICH RETHUGLICAN!”
Conservative: “Actually, I’m lower middle class, so…”
Progressive: “Are you denying your WHITE privilege?”
Conservative: “Well, I’m Asian, and…”
Progressive: “I’m glad the PATRIARCHY protects your precious job!”
Conservative: “Wrong again. I’m a woman.”
Progressive: “Probably sitting at home baking cookies for your husband!”
Conservative: “I’m a lesbian. By the way, who are you?”
Progressive: “Stop voting against your own self-interest by electing old white men like me!”
The argument gets trickier when progressives argue with each other. Since they aren’t used to debating the substance of issues, they revert to form. The goal is always to find who is more of a victim:
Prog 1: “We need to raise the minimum wage to $15!”
Prog 2: “No way, oppressor! $25 an hour!”
Prog 1: “Oh, you think a black man like me should just keep my mouth shut?!”
Prog 2: “Shut up, homophobe! My lesbian sisters need ‘$25 to Stay Alive!’ Want a bumper sticker?”
Prog 1: “As a Bisexual of Color, I only use mass transit, planet raper!”
Prog 2: “Oh yeah, well my last name is Gomez and I was raised by a single mom!”
Prog 1: “My mom died of breast cancer when I was 12!”
Prog 2: “How dare you speak that way to a proud working-class Latina lesbian with transient fibromyalgia!”
The key isn’t to discover the best solution, but to prove one’s superior moral authority. A progressive can only be the winner if he proves he’s the biggest loser.
I’ve decided to help my liberal friends save time with an easy quiz. By printing and filling out the form below, they can quickly determine who is more victimized and therefore the victor in any given argument:
Brother can you spare $100 million?
This is perfect.
Woohoo! Ivy League minority scholarship here I come!
Tarek Fatah wrote an article arguing that folk shouldn’t worry so much about “white privilege” because, you know, sometimes privilege is deserved.
Also…
http://tarekfatah.com/white-privilege-exists-get-used-to-it/
Less Than Zero.
You’re so white that you’re transparent?
Even when I make up stuff about myself I’m still in the “oppressor” range. Sigh.
Yes. And I used my Harry’s shave cream to fashion a Snidely Whiplash ‘stache.
Thank you! Now I can organize my lies and win all my arguments. Wait, if they’re lies, then I would be winning arguments against myself if I had been telling the truth. Oh how I hate myself. I win.
I only got 17 too. Bummer. If I were a gay Muslim, I would’ve rocked this quiz!
Do you realize that the only question Hillary Clinton would score any points on is #8. (Although after eight years of Obama, even she might not want to call herself a “proud progressive.”) Will the Democrats really nominate her? If only the Democrats could find an undocumented, transgendered, dirt poor, Native American Muslim to run against her. But who am I kidding? It doesn’t matter that she’s a straight, white 1%-er because … she’s a Democrat!
Does Warren get 10 points for #2 , or 0.625?
Careful, if you check the ISIS Militant box you might have to cut off your own head.
It’s not too late.
I only got 15. I’ve learned from the Facebook kerfuffle that the rule is that those of us with lower scores are not allowed to comment. Even agreeing with you is taking advantage of our privilege, so we appreciate your having tolerated us here.
The point system is arbitrary and capricious! The test taker should be able to assign his/her/their/its own points to each category. The test only advances white privilege as it is currently configured. It needs to be remade to be more fair, we can do better people. Come to think about it the categories are arbitrary and capricious too – test takers should be able to make their own categories. So much oppression so little time . . .
The only fair way is zero points for a rich white male, 100
points for anyone else.
I guess I have to apologize for my sins . . .
But seriously, whoever said a white, male, straight, Christian conservative one-percenter didn’t have a lot of obstacles to overcome in life?
Now that I think of it, having to overcome political correctness ought to mean I’m the most oppressed class in the country!
Uh-oh… you make an excellent point. Maybe the 2.0 version of the test should use Common Core math as well.