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We’ve all argued with liberals, especially online. The issue could be health care, tax rates or city zoning rules, but they’ll quickly turn their policy disagreement into personal attacks.
Conservative: “I think hiking the minimum wage will reduce jobs.”
Progressive: “You would say that, RICH RETHUGLICAN!”
Conservative: “Actually, I’m lower middle class, so…”
Progressive: “Are you denying your WHITE privilege?”
Conservative: “Well, I’m Asian, and…”
Progressive: “I’m glad the PATRIARCHY protects your precious job!”
Conservative: “Wrong again. I’m a woman.”
Progressive: “Probably sitting at home baking cookies for your husband!”
Conservative: “I’m a lesbian. By the way, who are you?”
Progressive: “Stop voting against your own self-interest by electing old white men like me!”
The argument gets trickier when progressives argue with each other. Since they aren’t used to debating the substance of issues, they revert to form. The goal is always to find who is more of a victim:
Prog 1: “We need to raise the minimum wage to $15!”
Prog 2: “No way, oppressor! $25 an hour!”
Prog 1: “Oh, you think a black man like me should just keep my mouth shut?!”
Prog 2: “Shut up, homophobe! My lesbian sisters need ‘$25 to Stay Alive!’ Want a bumper sticker?”
Prog 1: “As a Bisexual of Color, I only use mass transit, planet raper!”
Prog 2: “Oh yeah, well my last name is Gomez and I was raised by a single mom!”
Prog 1: “My mom died of breast cancer when I was 12!”
Prog 2: “How dare you speak that way to a proud working-class Latina lesbian with transient fibromyalgia!”
The key isn’t to discover the best solution, but to prove one’s superior moral authority. A progressive can only be the winner if he proves he’s the biggest loser.
I’ve decided to help my liberal friends save time with an easy quiz. By printing and filling out the form below, they can quickly determine who is more victimized and therefore the victor in any given argument: