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I’m Trying to Clear My Head with Exercise. It’s Not Working.
I don’t watch TV. I’m bothered by the fast montages, flashing images, and intrusive sounds. I can’t concentrate on a movie unless I really like it – my mind jumps around too much. TV news shows insult me – they all sound like they’re selling something, instead of telling me what happened. I can’t get interested in reality TV – I can’t bring myself to care what color tile some lady chooses for her backsplash. And so on and so on. My wife enjoys TV. It relaxes her. But I’ve tried, and I just can’t.
For the first time in over 15 years, I actually have time to breathe. So I joined a gym (Planet Fitness), because I feel horrible all the time, and I need to get in shape. When I’m on the treadmill, there is a bank of televisions 50 feet across. All tuned to different stations, to distract us from our boring exercise. Help pass the time. But for me, it makes it so much worse. I can’t even watch one program at home, because my mind jumps around too much. Imagine me watching several programs at once, while surrounded by other stimulation like various people exercising and interacting – imagine what all that does to my restless mind.
Allow me to share with you a rough approximation of 15 minutes of my morning today, while I was on the treadmill:
TV #4 – FOX News – Beautiful woman talking about Ukraine
Me, thinking to myself: The longer Russia has troops in Europe, the greater chance that something horrible is going to happen. I can’t even tell who the good guys are, because they – golly, she is really, really beautiful. Wow.
TV #2 – CNN – Interview with Stacy Abrams
Me: What kind of world cares what she thinks about anything? She’s one of the best young faces of the Democrat party. Imagine that.
Old guy on stationary recumbent bicycle:
Me: I don’t think he’s moved since I’ve been here. I wonder if I should check a pulse. Oh wait – he just looked at that girl’s butt. I guess he’s ok.
TV #4 – FOX News – Advertisement for My Pillow
Me: I can demonstrate my love of God and country by buying a pair of slippers. Golly, things are getting weird…
70-year-old woman with fake tan, fake boobs, fake teeth, with full sleeve tattoo on left arm, wearing revealing Spandex outfit, on pec deck:
Me: Now there is a very interesting person. Or maybe not.
TV #7: News break on some channel I don’t recognize
Me: So China is rehearsing an invasion of Taiwan so everybody can see. Holy crap. That’s more dangerous than Russia and Ukraine. I think. Oh, there’s Biden giving a speech about it. That should help.
TV #4: FOX News – Advertisement for memory aid nutritional supplement
Me: So somebody decided to make money by taking advantage of the fears of the sick and the old. Especially those who aren’t as sharp as they used to be. And then that marketing genius goes home and goes to sleep that night. How does that work?
TV #2 – CNN – Interview with Paul Krugman
Me: If I was wrong about medicine as much as he is wrong about economics, I wonder how many people I would have killed by now? Of course, I can only kill one person at a time. The policies that he promotes kill millions. How does he sleep at night? I wonder if he knows the memory aid marketing guy?
TV #3 – HGTV
Me: So the homebuyer runs a non-profit for disadvantaged kids. That’s nice. So what’s he doing looking at a million-dollar house? Does he sell cocaine on the side or something?
TV #4 – FOX News
Me: Holy Toledo. This reporter is even more beautiful than the last one. Where do they find these girls?
TV #2 – CNN – Footage of Jan. 6 protestors
Me: I wonder how long they can keep this as a lead story? I wonder if it will have the impact they hope for? The world is blowing up under Democrat leadership, so I guess they have nothing else to talk about. Why not try, I suppose…
TV #9 – golf tournament
Me: I wonder how much water they use per month to keep the grass that green?
Pretty girl walks by:
Me: Wow. I can see why that old guy looked at her butt. At least his eyesight is ok.
TV #3 – HGTV – Carpenter cries as he listens to homebuyer talk about his disadvantaged kids.
Me: He’s a better actor than Kevin Costner.
TV #2 – CNN – Picture of Pete Buttigieg smiling at young black girl while they both wear yellow hard hats in front of a small trackhoe
Me: He’s also a better actor than Kevin Costner. I suppose that’s not a terribly select group.
TV #4 – FOX News – Gorgeous reporter concludes story about economic collapse, and hands off to an even more gorgeous on-the-scene reporter wearing a knock-out tight yellow dress while she eats barbeque at a county fair.
Me: You know, I think I’ve had enough.
So after just 15 minutes on the treadmill, I go home. My wife sees me and says, “It’s so great that you’re going to the gym! It’ll be good for you to get back in shape. You’ll feel better.”
Me: “Yeah, I hope so.”
Wife: “And it will help you clear your head.”
Me: “No. Heavens no. Absolutely not. It won’t do that. My head is spinning. I need a drink. You just can’t imagine…”
Wife: “My goodness – what happened at the gym?”
Me: “It’s a really, really, really long story.”
Wife: “You were there for 15 minutes.”
Me: “You just can’t imagine…”
Published in General
Maybe time for Ritalin? Or Adderall?
Jordan had some entertaining crossovers with the Las Vegas show too, starring James Caan.
Well, you deserve it. The book in question was set in the Civil War era, and it was a real niche product having to do with early gun technology. That’s the only reason I didn’t recommend it to everyone: I thought the text itself would have a limited audience.
Your voice is particularly well-suited for that era. It’s a very real American man’s voice, just the right combination of depth and gravel. If I had a voice like that I would never shut up. I don’t, so I type instead (and never shut up).
Yeah, exercise for exercise’s sake is boring. Rowing on my home rowing machine, I listen to the Egyptian History Podcast. It has hundreds of episodes, starting from the earliest known dates, and goes chronologically. The guy who does it is from New Zealand, so I get the cool accent along with my history. Listening gives me a great and interesting education, and makes the time go really fast. I am up to Thutmose III now. Highly recommended, and totally free on any podcast platform.
Bourbon works pretty well…
I think we would be asked not to return.
I’ve been kicked out of worse places. In my case, there would be another meaning to “retreat.”
Doc, this sounds like my husband’s experience when he went to the gym. Add in the horrible pop music blaring and you’ve got it pegged. He tried listening to podcasts as a distraction, but gave it up when his membership expired. Now we try to walk most days early in the morning. It’s easier now that he works from home. I know you probably can’t swing that. Hopefully you can find some way to get your exercise without the extra “entertainment”.
Yes, it was very much about the political and administrative chaos in the south during the war. I thought your reading was excellent and I enjoyed that very much. I thought the author gave short shrift to the true history of the metallic cartridge, giving Morse too much credit. I thought Pauly’s 1812 metallic cartridge innovations should have been given more attention, as well as early shotgun cartridge designs. (Though Morse may well deserve credit for appreciating the importance of case expansion for sealing the breach and preventing gas leakage.)
Now that I’m reminded, I’m going to download another couple of your books.
FYI, two ways to do a get-up. Doesn’t look that hard? That’s what I thought.
The overwhelming majority of people are incapable (unwilling) of being content to being alone with Their thoughts. Or They’re incapable of independent thoughts, therefore the tvs.
I understand the the tvs and blaring music at a bar or club, but every single restaurant? Airports? Coffee shops? Grocery stores? Hell, You can’t get a haircut without eleven televisions registering 167 decibels.
This is why G-d gave us fishing, hiking, and podcasts.
Oh, wow. You’re like me in Hong Kong.
I am OK with the gays and I distrust your Catholicism. But what else is new?
I would switch to walking outside – My hometown is very humid in summer, I walk early in the morning or in the evening
Listen to a long form podcast and walk/jog
The problem I had working out in a gym was the women there. Nothing is more distracting than watching a gorgeous, well-built woman wearing a tight set of gym shorts doing squats with weights.
Nothing is more dangerous than having a wife watch you watching a gorgeous, well-built woman wearing a tight set of gym shorts doing squats with weights . . .
As host of Ricochet’s outstanding “Saturday Night Radio” series, I can say without equivocation that television is a fad! Granted, TV’s had a pretty good run the last seventy-some-odd years, but you mark my words ….
If it weren’t for access to the back catalog, there would be hardly any TV audience at all. This generation need a Jeremiah to get in their faces and poke them a bit.
Fred Allen’s comments come to mind:
“I have been in vaudeville, I have been in theatre, and I have been in radio. Currently, I am in trouble. Trouble, spelled sideways, is television. They call television ‘the medium’ because nothing is well done.”
I’m not Catholic.
OK, so it’s a sub-category of GROSS things guys do in a gym, defined with greater specificity.
Hardly, though I’ll concede that men do some gross things in the gym. But at Planet Fitness, they’ll set off the lunking alarm (yeah, they really have one) if you do nothing more than set the bench weight bar down a little enthusiastically after doing a particularly heavy set.
It’s not the most manly place.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
I have started my door-to-door campaign for this year’s election.
I always meet a half dozen interesting people. Always good to hear what folks think about government and politics.
I try to remain open to the unexpected. Last week, for example, I bought a used rollaway and tool box from one voter. We are both delighted with the sale and he (and his wife) will be voting for me this fall.
This is more fun than golf.
You’re kidding…you went to the gym with your wife!?!
What are you running for, Dave?
Local politics is great. The way it should be.
This is a fun post! I’m enjoying all the chatter; you folks are clever and hilarious.
But seriously, this is exactly what gyms are for. You join, you go, it kinda sucks, you continue, then taper off, sporadically until you find yourself grabbing that gym bag and first stopping at the local pub for a quick one. Then you say to yourself, I think I’ll just pass on the gym today. You go home, dragging a little (the bourbon), make another, collapse in the recliner. The wife later applauds your efforts. You fall asleep as she watches “Love it or List it.” You want to tell her it’s all fake, but you just don’t have the energy. You do admire the assets of the female interior decorator though, and in reverie, fall asleep again.
Eventually the gym just becomes a perpetual monthly debit on your charge card. You tell yourself you intend to take it up again, so you don’t cancel; in fact you would start going again if that interior decorator lady joined and if you could determine her schedule. But alas, she’s from Ottawa and probably doesn’t summer in Hilton Head, (who does?) but you keep paying because you never know; lots of Canadians come to Hilton Head in the winter. Eventually your wife asks you about all the $15 charges at Reilley’s Grill, like three a week, and you tell her that it’s a popular lunch place, great salads. (She never puts Reilley’s and your trips to the gym together. You are that good.) Eventually you give up the ruse (another 5 lb weight gain kinda cements it) and after a year or so, cancel the auto-debits. Your wife sees the cancellation letter Planet Fitness sends a month later and the gig is up. You never confess. You tell her you’re thinking about taking up golf.
Sincerely though, I say, embrace the sweat. Put on your earbuds (noise cancelling are the best) and listen to your favorite fiction. And walk. Or even better, find some trails and hike. That’s what I did until I wore out my hips (new ones coming soon!) And even if that dosen’t work, the noise cancelling headphones are also wife cancelling.
That is my wisdom of the month!
I think Bally Total Fitness is still charging My card.
She followed me. How she untied that rope, I’ll never know . . .