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I don’t watch TV. I’m bothered by the fast montages, flashing images, and intrusive sounds. I can’t concentrate on a movie unless I really like it – my mind jumps around too much. TV news shows insult me – they all sound like they’re selling something, instead of telling me what happened. I can’t get interested in reality TV – I can’t bring myself to care what color tile some lady chooses for her backsplash. And so on and so on. My wife enjoys TV. It relaxes her. But I’ve tried, and I just can’t.
For the first time in over 15 years, I actually have time to breathe. So I joined a gym (Planet Fitness), because I feel horrible all the time, and I need to get in shape. When I’m on the treadmill, there is a bank of televisions 50 feet across. All tuned to different stations, to distract us from our boring exercise. Help pass the time. But for me, it makes it so much worse. I can’t even watch one program at home, because my mind jumps around too much. Imagine me watching several programs at once, while surrounded by other stimulation like various people exercising and interacting – imagine what all that does to my restless mind.
Allow me to share with you a rough approximation of 15 minutes of my morning today, while I was on the treadmill:
TV #4 – FOX News – Beautiful woman talking about Ukraine
Me, thinking to myself: The longer Russia has troops in Europe, the greater chance that something horrible is going to happen. I can’t even tell who the good guys are, because they – golly, she is really, really beautiful. Wow.
TV #2 – CNN – Interview with Stacy Abrams
Me: What kind of world cares what she thinks about anything? She’s one of the best young faces of the Democrat party. Imagine that.
Old guy on stationary recumbent bicycle:
Me: I don’t think he’s moved since I’ve been here. I wonder if I should check a pulse. Oh wait – he just looked at that girl’s butt. I guess he’s ok.
TV #4 – FOX News – Advertisement for My Pillow
Me: I can demonstrate my love of God and country by buying a pair of slippers. Golly, things are getting weird…
70-year-old woman with fake tan, fake boobs, fake teeth, with full sleeve tattoo on left arm, wearing revealing Spandex outfit, on pec deck:
Me: Now there is a very interesting person. Or maybe not.
TV #7: News break on some channel I don’t recognize
Me: So China is rehearsing an invasion of Taiwan so everybody can see. Holy crap. That’s more dangerous than Russia and Ukraine. I think. Oh, there’s Biden giving a speech about it. That should help.
TV #4: FOX News – Advertisement for memory aid nutritional supplement
Me: So somebody decided to make money by taking advantage of the fears of the sick and the old. Especially those who aren’t as sharp as they used to be. And then that marketing genius goes home and goes to sleep that night. How does that work?
TV #2 – CNN – Interview with Paul Krugman
Me: If I was wrong about medicine as much as he is wrong about economics, I wonder how many people I would have killed by now? Of course, I can only kill one person at a time. The policies that he promotes kill millions. How does he sleep at night? I wonder if he knows the memory aid marketing guy?
TV #3 – HGTV
Me: So the homebuyer runs a non-profit for disadvantaged kids. That’s nice. So what’s he doing looking at a million-dollar house? Does he sell cocaine on the side or something?
TV #4 – FOX News
Me: Holy Toledo. This reporter is even more beautiful than the last one. Where do they find these girls?
TV #2 – CNN – Footage of Jan. 6 protestors
Me: I wonder how long they can keep this as a lead story? I wonder if it will have the impact they hope for? The world is blowing up under Democrat leadership, so I guess they have nothing else to talk about. Why not try, I suppose…
TV #9 – golf tournament
Me: I wonder how much water they use per month to keep the grass that green?
Pretty girl walks by:
Me: Wow. I can see why that old guy looked at her butt. At least his eyesight is ok.
TV #3 – HGTV – Carpenter cries as he listens to homebuyer talk about his disadvantaged kids.
Me: He’s a better actor than Kevin Costner.
TV #2 – CNN – Picture of Pete Buttigieg smiling at young black girl while they both wear yellow hard hats in front of a small trackhoe
Me: He’s also a better actor than Kevin Costner. I suppose that’s not a terribly select group.
TV #4 – FOX News – Gorgeous reporter concludes story about economic collapse, and hands off to an even more gorgeous on-the-scene reporter wearing a knock-out tight yellow dress while she eats barbeque at a county fair.
Me: You know, I think I’ve had enough.
So after just 15 minutes on the treadmill, I go home. My wife sees me and says, “It’s so great that you’re going to the gym! It’ll be good for you to get back in shape. You’ll feel better.”
Me: “Yeah, I hope so.”
Wife: “And it will help you clear your head.”
Me: “No. Heavens no. Absolutely not. It won’t do that. My head is spinning. I need a drink. You just can’t imagine…”
Wife: “My goodness – what happened at the gym?”
Me: “It’s a really, really, really long story.”
Wife: “You were there for 15 minutes.”
Me: “You just can’t imagine…”Published in