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Dates
Tom Wolfe once implied in an interview that there was much to gauge about America by asking college-aged men how many dates they had to go on before … ya know. If we factor out boastfulness and put pretending he got honest answers to the side, he noticed a trend that developed from the sixties when he began asking. As decades passed, the responses went from five to four, three to two, to one, until, by the time he was researching for his third novel, I Am Charlotte Simmons, the most common he received was, “dates?…”
Anybody who knows anything about youth culture knows that dates are done for. For now, anyway.
Now the fact that Wolfe knew to frame the question that way already said something about how a patriotic skeptic understood our culture. Whether or not he put much stock in the idea that there was a burgeoning two Americas, I couldn’t say. But for now, the hookup scene is what’s happening. It’s an ick-fest for the bold; blech-y for the blacked out. It’s gross. Worst of all, it’s consensual.
*****
Bad as things are, it’s not what you think. There have never been more 25-year-old virgins in the history of Earth. It’s especially sad because I doubt there’s ever been a time when fellas have ever felt more shame for being virgins. “Incels” is what they’re called now. The prehistoric dilemma of all single dude-dom is supposedly noteworthy nowadays. It isn’t. The lack of work ethic is. But the lack of clear expectations preclude running on the wheel. For starters, it helps if someone sets up the carrot.
Even when we set aside super spreaders, the problem remains. Boys do not ask girls to accompany them to dinner and motion picture entertainment. If and when … ya know … happens, there isn’t much of period of time before … you get the idea. I can’t even say which is the bigger issue! It’s probably worse the way it all goes down when it goes down. But the rarity of it all isn’t entirely unrelated to Harry opting to become Sally.
From what I can see, the funky way of contemporary coupling goes thusly: young people go to bars or parties. Then they drink too much. In the process, they work up nerve. They pair up and “get outta here.” Happenings happen. A few months go by, parents visit town, and the girl works up another kind of nerve, soberly this time.
“Soooo … am I your girlfriend?”
Guy says, “Uh … yeah.”
It’s not the stuff “happily ever after” is made of.
I’m sure it’s not the whole thing, hopefully just a dismal tide. But this datelessness is worth penciling in, no? I wonder if young people could do each other right by agreeing to more reasonable expectations. I suspect they need to be told in order to have them in the first place. Perhaps sex education has been left to creeps – whether credentialed school board members who direct seventh-grade biology teachers or the pimply seventh graders who’ve been lying about their exploits since before they even earned pimples – for too long.
#savethedate
Published in General
Pilot’s license?
My father was not one for giving verbal advice. He mainly showed by example. But one thing he impressed on me I think was very helpful: never get physically or emotionally serious with a young lady that you can’t imagine yourself marrying. He wasn’t weird about it, and it’s not like I went around asking “who wants to get married?” Rather, he discouraged frivolous dating, understanding that romantic involvement carries with it tremendous mystical attachments that are not easily undone if/when things don’t work out.
However, from what I hear, the music was pretty cool.
It wasn’t that long ago that saying you met someone online was a sitcom joke, a sign of someone who either was a complete loser or had extremely poor judgment. No good could ever come from such a situation.
I still can’t get my brain around the fact that today it’s completely mainstream, and even the norm for some demographics.
Agreed. Although my young adult children have met their significant others in real life, I know of a number of very normal, decent 20-somethings who have found their very normal, decent spouses online. Still seems odd to me though.
Sounds deep, dark, and full of secrets. Godspeed to Mom, wherever she is.
Let alone the drunk driving, to and from.
Yeah, that’s a trick. A lot of young people have taken the bad advice that whether or not they get married will make no difference in their lives. Most will say they don’t want to. They’re full of it but as a result they aren’t aiming. That’s why there’s the awkward conversations that make it “official,” then years and years of “going out,” and then sometimes they decide to marry up for tax purposes. “It makes sense,” they say.
It’s odd.
By which time the women are too old to have children.
What’s the old line I heard about older women and sex? “They don’t swell, they don’t tell, and they’re grateful as hell.”
About the last thing – maybe THE last thing – any guy needs is a “date” that turns into a rape accusation the next day, or week, or month, or year…
I think a lot of people were cycling to them back then.
Well put.
Aw, man! I’m sorry. Would it make you feel any better if I said that I don’t think we’re doomed?
Maybe they were, but I was referring more to your dad with the car.
Well it makes sense when you consider how all sorts of things that were once done socially are now done online. Lots of things are shrinking away from the public arena. And it’s not like it doesn’t work, 4 of my friends have met their husbands online.
Which seems to be where a lot of the made-up rape accusations come from.
This isn’t necessarily bad advice (especially in the current climate) but I’d like to put in a word in favor of some frivolous dating, let’s say between ages 17-21 or so. I had a ball dating a bunch of different dudes early in my college career. I was always straightforward about what they could expect (we weren’t exclusive, I don’t drink, and sex was totally off the table) and yet somehow I never seemed to lack for male attention. It was fun and exciting and an excellent way to find out what I did and didn’t want in a boyfriend. And when it was time to move on to more serious relationships, I felt like I had had a lovely time playing the field.
Oh yeah, well he never drank at all, car or no car. My grandad frequently drove from the pub which wasn’t unusual when you lived in the country.
This one’s tricky… I’m actually converting and my mentioning this probably means I’m not off to a great start – I’ll definitely have something to talk with my sponsor next week. But given what I’m reading, I wonder if the church needs have more parishioners who are confident enough to say, “Here are the rules. We’re not allowed to tell you that you can break the rules. But here are the rules for when you do break the rules…. and afterwards go to confession. Less-good Catholics probably have a role to play.
I hope I don’t irritate too many people with that. It just seems like another of those more reasonable expectations I was talking about in the post. Even if there’s a better way, a little bit of premarital hanky-panky seems like it beats a lifetime of onanism.
Are you ready to hear about how onanism doesn’t equate to masturbation?
Sure. I like Bible stories.
Well there have been longer threads/posts on it before. And I figured one of the more theological members might take it up. But anyway. Basically what it boils down to is that Onan wasn’t bad because of masturbation, he was bad because he defied God’s command that he (marry and?) impregnate his brother’s widow, if I recall the details correctly.
In terms of logic, I suppose the summation would be that “Onanism” is (a form of, or a situation involving) masturbation, but not all masturbation is “Onanism.”
I was a firm believer in “don’t fish off the company pier.” I think that’s gone the way of the Dodo Bird.
Seems reasonable to me.
Considering the long history of people meeting their spouses at the workplace, that never seemed smart to me, at least not as some enforceable company policy.
Not so sure about that.
Probably not. But if you could prove it…
This seems like it belongs on this thread.
There are exceptions, but in scientific terms, pregnancy past age 35 or something is considered “geriatric,” last I heard.