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Group Writing: A Tirade on Hate
Hate is like a blood-sucking leech; it attaches to your psyche without your even noticing it. Over time, it draws the energy from your life, mostly in the background. If you don’t pay attention to it, it can suck every ounce of joy right out of you.
I’m about to let hate ruin my life. I don’t seem to be able to help myself. If I acknowledge its presence and drive this hate out of my heart and mind, maybe there’s hope. So here goes…
I hate that I have to wake up with a painful shoulder every morning. I hate acknowledging the creeping arthritis that seems to have arrived out of nowhere. I hate knowing that the chemo garbage is still messing with my body. I hate that I’m suffering from maladies that I didn’t even know existed. I hate that my doctor may tell me in two weeks that there’s nothing I can do about any of these symptoms. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate feeling old at the age of 72.
But there’s more . . .
I hate that I’ve been cruel to people I love. I hate that I’ve been cruel to people I don’t like. I hate feeling that I seem to have little control over the words that come out of my mouth. I hate that I’m not willing to help friends who ask for help. I hate feeling like I have to conserve my energy. I hate not being able to do more for the bereaved people I call regarding their losses. I hate feeling like mortality is sitting on my shoulder, watching my distress…
And there’s still more…
I hate that there is so much suffering in the world. I hate that I have friends who are ill or who have loved ones who are ill and there’s nothing I can do to help them. I hate to see others struggling and I can only sit and pray. I hate that there is so much violence and hatred and greed in the world. I hate that our country is run by feckless, greedy people, led by a failing and inept leader. I hate that I can’t trust those whom I should be able to count on to get us out of this mess.
I hate all of it. And it seems there is nothing I can do about it.
* * * *
I’m writing all of this because hate is eating me up from the inside out. It is wounding my heart, and making me cruel. It is making me angry enough to lash out, to try to take back control, even though I know that I have no control. I know now that if I don’t look evil and anger straight in the eye, I will lose every bit of freedom that I have. It is the freedom that has reigned, not in the outside world, but in my soul.
When I face that which is eating me alive, I still have a chance. I have an opportunity to tell mortality, evil, and anger that I will feed my soul with care for myself, and love for others. I will slow down, stop, look around and recognize the beauty and blessings that surround me. I will embrace all of that, knowing that they will nurture, protect and center me. I will take responsibility for my feelings, my negative reactions and stop making excuses for my hurtful behavior. I will thank G-d for my blessings and rest in the reality of my life.
I will pray that hate will die and love will return.
* * * *
I wrote this post last night. This morning I woke with a small sense of relief. I have faced hate. A door is ajar. Joy is peeking through the cracks. Finally.
Published in Group Writing
Hate and joy do not coexist; but they can dance.
I think I have to settle for that, Rodin. For me, there are rarely instant transformations. But I will be patient. Thanks.
When my mom was going through some difficult times, her dear friend, a friend of her mother’s actually, told her, “Focus on what’s all right.” That has always worked for me.
I’ll be your 10 second shrink. You have the blues. Resulting helplessness will lead to despair if you don’t allow joy and contentment to beat it back. So, here’s what to do. Enjoy the good things. A few nice responses to a hateful rant, for example. Or a nice cup of coffee. (I’m having one right now.) Or maybe a trip somewhere new, or somewhere loved and full of memories. Try to laugh at funny things or better yet, make someone else laugh. (A tourist at the wailing wall watches an old man rocking and quietly singing a prayer in Hebrew over and over. The old man stops and places a small folded paper in a crack in the mortar. The tourist asks, “Was that a prayer you placed in the wall?” The man nodded. “Will it be answered?” The old man wagged his head and said, “Like talking to a wall.”) Remind yourself of those who love you even when you are probably undeserving. Forgive yourself. And if those things don’t work, watch your favorite old sitcom on demand, eat something decadently sweet, take a warm bubble bath, or all three.
Those are such wonderful suggestions, Doug! All of them! I think I especially need to learn to forgive myself. I am my toughest critic. And thanks for the joke!
It’ll do that, if you let it.
I am SO ready. I am less concerned with how I feel and more concerned about the potential of my lashing out at others. I simply have to pay attention without being paranoid.
This is a beautiful post! (I’ll be more lecturesome below)
If I were you I would shift my focus to fighting evil. Hate is evil and does no good.
That’s interesting, Bob. I think in some ways I do that through my writing. What other ways do you suggest for fighting evil?
I had the strangest experience in January 2020. My stomach began to cause me terrible pain. It’s a long long stupid story, but the upshot is that I couldn’t sleep, eat or drink, lie down, or sit up without being in terrible pain. My husband was really worried.
I ended up at the local emergency room three times over the course of a week. It took two weeks to see a specialist because I didn’t have a primary care doctor at the time–I hadn’t been to a doctor in ten years–but I finally got an endoscopy by a really great gastroenterologist. I was prepared for the worst–cancer or a really bad ulcer.
When I came to, the doctor said he did a biopsy just to be sure but he didn’t see any cancer and there was no ulcer. Just an inflamed stomach lining. He told me to take two Ibuprofen when I got home. I did so. A brief 20 minutes later, I felt like a different person. Ibuprofen is a miracle drug for inflammation. What an amazing medicine.
If you have not been feeling good, it can really take a toll on your psyche. Not only are you in pain but it’s scary, and you move around less. Since moving around is the key to good mental health, it’s a double whammy.
So just know your feelings right now are being directed by the pain you are in.
That’s why I’ve made sure to keep up my exercise routine, Marci. I never ask myself whether I want to walk or go to the gym. I just do it–like brushing my teeth. Exercise helps on so many fronts. Heaven knows the condition I’d be in if I didn’t!
I have a mixture of new-age feel-goodism, black-pill nihilism, and friendly folksiness which I consider the comon sense that the Good Lord installed (via evolution) in the goose.
Caveat — neither you nor I know what will actually happen, but to me this sounds like confronting death. So that’s the basis on which I hold forth:
1. You are not having an abnormal reaction to normal events. You are having a normal reaction to abnormal events.
2. Contrary to the diktats of the church of woke; you have a right to hate. You have a right to eat dried milk right out of the box if you want.
3. Hatred is one of the tools we carry and for a reason. No matter what the new-age Yodas say, hatred, fear, anger, sadness, revulsion, disgust, vengeance, aggression, and even pettiness hold an honored place in our make-up. These things either survived or result from the 300-million-year evolution of mammals, and every single one of those creatures was successful enough to result in, well — us. Any creature without this catalog of supposedly “bad” traits will not survive long.
4. Death, as the opposite of life, deserves excitation of any or all of these traits.
5. None of us has any experience in confronting his own death. Abstract, somebody else, book-learnin, sure, but that’s not the same. “Wot? Mee?” Some discombobulation or out-of-parameter behavior is not only expected — is is part of incorporating and reacting to a new and, in this case by definition abnormal situation.
6. Some people deserve hating. Heck, some deserve killing, and you haven’t killed anybody. So far you still have an immensely positive balance.
7. Being crabby, or grouchy, petty, mean, cruel, resentful, peevish, furious and shut-up-ative toward loved ones — let them criticize you when they stand where you do. My mother was at times convinced that my step-father and I were pushing pills on her for some nefarious purpose, and she said so clearly and frankly. It wasn’t pleasant, but we forgive her of course, and are frankly grateful that neither us are yet forced to fight that battle.
8. And so you’re fighting the battle now and it isn’t fair — in fact it’s rigged. Humanity fights wars over whether the number of people to get out alive is zero or one, and if one, whom. Probably not me and probably not you. Rigged!
9. I find that when I’m most angry, I’m actually angry at myself. Careful — this is dynamite. Wrong answer is to devolve into self-abnegating guilt and despair. Right answer — forgive yourself. Take your soul out, smile at it, iron the wrinkles and spritz it with something that smells nice. Put it back on and wear it happily like it cost the world.
10. The literally existential part is that you *are* being robbed — of everything. See point #1.
I think I’ve heard this before, but the way it comes to me now is something like:
Thou limited, mortal human — who are you to hold yourself to a standard above humanity?
Susan,
Much of what you hate about ageing sounds like grief to me. The anger that comes with grief is normal. We grieve so many things in life that we try to ignore. Our culture does not support it. Thank goodness Ricochet does.
My other thought is forgiveness. Forgive yourself for your past sins. God wants us to forgive, not for others, not for Him, but for ourselves.
I’m going to read this a few times, BDB. Words of wisdom and solace, and I so appreciate them. I hope they help others who are also struggling with life. Thank you.
Thank you, Bryan. Wise words and so true.
Aw shucks!
Susan, I think Bryan is correct about grief. For the last couple of years I have grieved over the loss of my lifetime of good health. I had plenty of challenges (a year lost to diagnosing and treating lupus) but I always recovered. But just as I was getting the nasty chemo crap out of my body my back has started to give out. I’ve gotten relief from most of the pain but I so, so resent that I can’t go back to normal life. And I too hate, hate it. It does color your outlook on life. Perhaps because we have to finally admit our frailties and that mortality is closer than we previously thought.
And I too hate all the other stuff. I think as we get older we understand more of what is going on and it is not a good feeling.
Thanks, Justme. It’s helpful to know that others understand these feelings. At the same time, I’m hoping that I can put them more in the background and celebrate what I do have. For example, we both have great husbands; they, alone, bring light and joy into our lives.
You have reminded me of Ecclesiastes Chapter 12. It speaks to this.
Susan, I’m truly sorry that you are going through this rough patch. But it will pass… and then something else will come along!
I was fortunate to learn at an early age, while in the Army, that envy and hate are two completely negative emotions. As far as I have been able to determine, neither have any positive attributes. (In the Bible, the word hate is often translated as shun or abhor, so I rely on that when I’m unhappy with a situation or person.) Thankfully, I have been able to live without those emotions cluttering up my life and relationships. I find it makes life much simpler. For one thing, I have no enemies (though some folks probably consider me their enemy).
“I hate feeling old at the age of 72.”
You are just a youngster, says this old man of 84. It doesn’t get any easier, so just make up your mind to find joy in it as you pass through the process.
Yeah, Bryan’s right. A lot of this does not sound like hate, but like frustration, grief, and pain. Hate really wants to destroy or at least harm its object. Some hatred is good, i.e. the LORD’s hatred of evil. “Hate what is evil. Cling to what is good,” is more than good advice.
That’s what I thought at first, Hartmann. But then I looked up the definition of hate; have I been steered wrong?
intransitive verb
Hate has several meanings. In programming terms, we would say the word is “overloaded”. Same word, multiple meanings. At least it’s not the disaster that love is in that regard.
Hatred should be the noun, but Hate is now used that way by our kindergarten-speech betters. And se the language becomes more debased, less clear, and meaning is chased further from speech.
I would’t try to square usage with definitions these days without a particular quoted passage. The word only has clear meaning on a per-use basis.
Y’know — like “racism”.
A minor, but hopefully not impertinent point. Actually, “hate” as a verb is only transitive. One cannot hate without an object of the hatred. It isn’t proper to say, for example, “Johnny walked down the street, busily hating.”
I’d ask if I may, what dictionary you used, and when it was printed.
I inquired on line; I think it was Merriam-WEbster. Should I have been more discerning?
Yeah, these definitions are quite watered-down. The first is the only one I would approve if I were the editor. I contribute rather regularly to various online dictionaries for Dutch and German, if you were wondering.
I would say, don’t surrender the language to those who corrupt it for their own purposes.
Hating [and hatred] is not inherently wrong. It depends on what you hate. The expression “No Hate” is a distraction, in that those who proclaim it never say exactly what we are not to hate, and accepting this usage leaves one no wiser.
The noun “hate” is a rarely used, more or less general, philosophic, conceptual category. But one should rightly hate injustice, bigotry, corruption, immorality, and so forth. But I don’t think that’s their point of using hate as a noun. Without an object of hatred, “hate” is largely meaningless.
Notice the two meaningful definitions you cite end in prepositions that are left hanging: hostility toward… what?, distaste for… what?
This heart-felt reflection on hate’s effect on a person is part of our monthly theme writing project. The original post and the comment thread reflect the best of Ricochet culture. February’s theme is “Love, Hate, and other Feelings.” Ricochet will be a happier place if you click the link and sign up today to have your own say.