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Overthinking It
Scene, on a hill in a field we see a car. A GUY and a GIRL laying on the hood, stargazing. After a moment passes, the GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE steps out from behind the car, paces a bit, rolling his shoulder.
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Man oh man, if she keeps lying there like that my shoulder is going to fall asleep. I should say something. There’s no way I’m going to say something; if I do she might move. If you lose circulation doesn’t the limb die eventually? If I don’t move I’m probably going to get shoulder gangrene or something. I can leave it a little longer though. Probably.
GIRL: “It’s so peaceful out here.”
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Yeah, peaceful. Look at this field though; perfect place for a tank battle. Let’s say I’m coming in from over there, which would mean the German lines are that way. Now, the Nazi, if he’s a wily Nazi, he’s going to have emplaced anti-tank guns…. there. My best bet would be to take ’em out with air strikes or artillery before I even get here, but let’s assume that’s not an option. Then how would I dig him out… tricky. But not tricky enough! What that kraut doesn’t realize is that I’ve snuck men around behind him!
GUY: *Chuckles*
GIRL: “What?”
GUY: “Uh, nothing.”
GIRL’S INNER MONOLOGUE (emerging from behind the car): “Is he laughing at me? He’d better not be laughing at me. He doesn’t know who he’s messing with. I don’t need him; I could have gone out with any guy on the team. Suzie told me so. Of course, you can’t trust Suzie; she’s always scheming. The little minx. What if she manipulated me into this date? What if she’s setting me up for failure? What if she’s trying to get me out of the way so she can make a play for Kurt?”
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “I’ll need some infantry to assault that bunker. Of course, it’s going to be tricky getting them through the minefield. I hope casualties are light…”
GIRL’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “I bet that’s it. I bet she set this up. I bet she arranged things with this guy just to humiliate me! Ooh, she makes me so mad.”
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “And then we unleash the atom bombs! Wait, she’s tensing up. What’s going on here?”
GUY: “Uh, you okay?”
GIRL’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “I mustn’t let him know that I’ve figured it out!”
GIRL: “Yeah, I’m fine. Just need to adjust a little.”
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “She shifting! Gotta move that shoulder quick before shoulder gangrene sets in.”
GIRL: “There.”
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “She’s settled down again. I don’t think that was enough, I’m probably still doomed. Alas, poor shoulder, I knew thee.”
GIRL’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Success! He suspects nothing. Maybe it wasn’t Suzie setting me up, maybe Jenna is behind this. It would be just like her. Why, she said to me just the other day ‘I love you in that top!’ What a fake.”
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Something’s not going right here. I thought chicks dug this stargazing stuff. Is she bored? Maybe that’s because she doesn’t know enough about this stuff. I can fix that.”
GUY: “That constellation right there? That’s Scorpio.”
GIRL’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Is he lecturing now? What makes him think that’s a good idea?”
GUY: “And over here we have Draco.”
GIRL’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Maybe I can put him off of it.”
GIRL “It looks like roadkill.”
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “It’s working! This girl is funny.”
GUY: “And that star’s Betelgeuse. That’s the star the aliens came from in the movie…”
GIRL’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “That was such a stupid movie. I can’t understand why anyone would watch it.”
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “That was such a great movie. Hey, it generated this primo meme; I bet she’d love to hear about it. Just how do I verbalize a gif?”
GIRL’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Wait, did you just pronounce it ‘jif?'”
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Yeah; that’s how it’s pronounced.”
GIRL’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “It’s a graphical interchange format, not a giraffical interchange format.”
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Don’t be a gackass.”
GIRL’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Look, the guy who invented the thing says…”
GIRL snuggles closer and emits a happy sigh.
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Hah! See that! The astronomy description was what she needed. Man oh man am I smooth.”
GIRL’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Seriously?! You think it’s the star chart that’s working here? You really are a moron.”
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Oh, like you’re helping things along.”
GIRL’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “You were about to describe a gif!”
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Hey, at least I pronounce it right.”
GIRL’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “You pronounce it like peanut butter.”
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Okay, dropping the subject. It’s not important.”
GIRL’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “And what were you thinking with that tank battle? Seriously?”
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “At least I wasn’t the one bringing Girl Drama into this.”
GIRL’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Those girls are important!”
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: *falsetto* “Oooh that Suzie she just makes me soo mad!”
GIRL’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Suzie is a good friend! She’s a better person than you’ll ever be.”
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Look, it’s obvious this isn’t going to work out. Let’s just go our separate ways and forget this ever happened. Deal?”
GIRL’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Deal.”
GUY kisses GIRL.
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD!!”
GIRL’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “You are such a dork.”
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “You can’t argue with results.”
GIRL’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Whatever. I’m done here.”
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Hey, dude, what are the chances that we’re gonna, you know, get some?”
GUY: “Shut up.”
GIRL: “What?”
GUY: “Not you.”
GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “I’m going to have to write off this shoulder. Worth it.”
Published in Humor
So I won’t tell the story of how I got third degree burns to both thumbs simultaneously.
Didn’t have to be pipe bombs. Homemade fireworks and rockets count too. Thermite … napalm … all kinds of stuff.
I’ll just say I burned my thumb on a Pop Tart once.
Ah-haAAh!
Yes. Of course. A Pop Tart. That’s it.
I never made a pipe bomb, but I did make my own gunpowder and used it in a homemade cannon made from a pipe.
Also, the kid across the street made a carbide cannon. It was a 1″metal tube, plugged at one end, and with a spark plug about 2″ above the plugged end. Put about an inch of water in the tube, drop in a chunk of carbide, wait about 30 seconds and apply electricity to the spark plug. WHAM! Pretty cool.
I made lots of rocket bombs. Used reburn engines designed to ignite a second stage to set off the explosives packed in the nose. Tried making a shrapnel bomb using an empty CO2 cartridge, but those things are too tough. What I ended up with was a rocket propelled bullet that tore a hole through the lid of my dad’s new trash can. (Back when they were metal.)
Might not want to talk about it in airports also, especially when going through the TSA security lines.
Six of one…
Your humorous post reminded me of the Mark Twain quote;
“What a wee little part of a person’s life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.”
Or take cooked sausages. There’s the time I tried to take through TSA a package of Johnson’s sausages each wrapped in bread, for the long trip. It took me probably close to an hour to get through. Every bit of my carry-on was minutely searched, and I had a lot of odds and ends in my carry-on. They called up a lean, shaggy-haired guy in blue jeans and a corduroy jacket to do the inspection. He was very courteous but he wouldn’t tell me what the hold-up was. They only explained that “everything went off”. Finally they said it was probably the nitrates in the sausages. But they took a thermometer reading of them and they were okay.
I did have an interesting conversation with the inspector though.
Wonder if the deep philosopher wondered what his ship’s 4500 sailors were doing in Olongopo besides wanting to get laid and slurp up a few gallons of beer before their next 45 days at sea. I just wanted to keep them out of a Filipino jail. Never asked about their communes with the hot hookers.
I believe we can look to Clint Eastwood here. “Man’s gotta know his limitations.”
I never made a pipe bomb, although I got kicked out of college… coincidently studying engineering. Does trying to forge a sword in shop class count? Also, the teacher did know I was doing it. One fried hand later and I decided not to finish that project.
I would say that’s okay, but what was the stated reason for expulsion?
I got suspended for something I didn’t do: homework. Academic suspension and I never went back, although I did manage to get through tech school years later.
The sword was when I was in high school.