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The Problem of Consensual Sex
Back in the early ’80s when I was young and stupid, I drove my car up Beach Boulevard and went into an adult theater for the first time. I thought I was in heaven.
Establishing context, my father never talked to me about sex and my mother simply handed me a book about frogs mating and between that and some vague postulations from a science teacher, I was supposed to somehow draw my own conclusions. What I saw on the screen brought it all together for me in a very powerful way.
I heard about escort services and the free adult papers distributed outside post offices and on my third try relinquished my virginity to someone whose name was likely not hers.
Over time, perhaps by stumbling across the adult ads confined to the sports pages of the Orange County Register, I learned about Asian massages.
Behind those shadowy doors, I never pursued anything that wasn’t offered. There was a childish language while on the table where the masseuse would “accidentally” brush too close and you would “accidentally” brush her back. Then the towel would “accidentally” fall off and you would get down to business.
By today’s standards, there is absolutely nothing I did that was wrong (though it warred against my Christian morals and grieved the Holy Spirit within). The lone holdout of sexual morality in culture today is that of consent. All parties agreed to do this. Being single, I was hurting no one. And since I lacked the self-confidence to initiate a sexual encounter with a person I knew and was friends with, this vending-machine arrangement kind of worked.
Over the years, much has changed in my thinking from the confused, self-loathing adolescent I was. I no longer see these encounters as consenting but predatory. A horrific exacerbation in our culture is our tendency to objectify others – to reduce someone down to their most banal characteristics. We hate so-called cancel culture because it reduces a human being down to a single belief or a social media misstep. So pornography and the whole sex industry that surrounds it reduces people down to their sexual organs and the pleasure derived. Further, at the time, I was unaware of the sexual slave trade that permeates these industries.
I remember in one encounter before the session began, the masseuse had her children with her. Her friend, likely of the same trade, took them out to go swimming while we had our time together. I found this incredibly disturbing because it pointed out to me something that should have been obvious – this was a woman with a family, with aspirations, with spiritual longings, with talents and skills, with daily problems, with political opinions, who cheers at sporting events and helps her children with homework and saves up money to buy Christmas presents for those she loves. She is not merely a shoeshine machine that spins when I deposit my nickel.
The Christian worldview on this is not to curtail fun and pleasure but to promote human flourishing. It is to help us build a society that protects ourselves from ourselves and protect the more vulnerable in society such as women.
- All people are created in the image of God.
This is why humans are treated with more respect and care than, say, fish. Defacing a human is defacing the person of God just like peeing on the American flag is more than just defiling a piece of cloth. This is why it is unthinkable to say that black people are not persons and can be slaves or the unborn are not persons and can be eliminated and women are sex playmates to fulfill my fantasies.
- Marriage is that commitment that protects the casualties of sex.
I remember talking to a young couple who were living together who said, “Why do we need marriage if we have a committed relationship?” I pointed out to them that this was precisely what marriage is. Marriage is that commitment. Aside from fancy dresses and a big reception dance, marriage is fundamentally a public commitment that two people belong to each other and if either the husband or wife is seen acting out of line, the witnesses have every right to get in his face and hold him accountable. Without marriage, any spoken commitment is an unenforceable handshake.
Honoring marriage vows protect the woman from suddenly being stuck with a child while the abandoning husband goes off to pursue his career, the primary reason given for the woman’s right to an abortion. However, the bigger reason women are asked to make this act of violence within their own bodies is so that men can continue on in their promiscuous, objectifying, commitment-less ways without interrupting their career by being called to account for the offspring they produced.
- Sex fundamentally is about children
In our pursuit of sexual pleasure, our culture has succeeded in decoupling sex from marriage, sex from children, and sex from biology. The only guideline left is that sex, in whatever form you choose, should at least be consensual.
We may think the Catholics have gone too far in their prohibition of contraceptives but their point needs to at least be appreciated: The sexual act is to bring forth future generations raised in the context in which they are most likely to flourish – with a mother who possesses the skills to mother and a father who possesses the skills to father. It is a contribution to society and the future of the race.
Gay marriages, though a context for sexual pleasure, are by their very nature sterile relationships. Visits to Asian massage bring sexual pleasure as well. If we view sex based solely on personal fulfillment and consent, then these practices are just one of many ways to do sex with a partner. Love is love, after all. Many secular-minded people think this way because it has captured the cultural imagination.
But if we believe that there is a greater order and social responsibility in the universe and that marriage is a divine gift that allows us to sacrifice ourselves to create the best and most secure environment for future offspring so they, in turn, can be nurtured, grow, prosper, and build their own in-tact families, then my rational for slipping into the Asian massage so many years ago begins to look shallow, short-sighted, and selfish.
Published in General
Good question. Here’s a study that addresses casual sex. Catherine M. Grello, Deborah P. Welsh, and Melinda S. Harper reported on a study of no strings attached sex in colleges students in theJournal of Sexual Research. In their literature review, they reported on studies that showed that although both men and women want emotional commitment, commitment was more important to women, and women often have sex hoping that things will evolve into a relationship. They found an association between depression in women and casual sex that was stronger than that found for men.
Wait, there is a connection between sex and depression in men?
I used to get depressed when I didn’t get any.
How does that low-hanging fruit taste Kent?
The critical phrase here is “used to.” Wait, even that’s ambiguous. Oh to hell with it. This is getting embarrassing. I’m outta here.
@Henry, I went right past your question because I didn’t understand it. Now I think I do. The “low-hanging fruit” is a reference to my response to a joke that was an easy setup. That is, I plucked the low-hanging fruit when I responded with a little joke that any fool could have come up with.
But Henry, I had to wrack my brain to come up with that little joke.
Besides, I was the first to pluck the fruit, even if it was low hanging, and that should count for something.
We get it. Men are evil.
I don’t get it. Finch seems to be placing the responsibility more on ladies.
This is from the abstract. I wanted to read most of the study but I couldn’t access it.
I want a clearer establishment of causation and correlation.
I don’t think that’s the point. Men and women are different. They think and feel and react differently (mostly) to engaging in sex. (Most) women used to be taught this and avoided having sex outside of some sort of commitment. I don’t use the term ‘pre-marital’ sex because that’s not what is going on. Fornication, extra-marital sex, etc. It’s bad for men and women.
It’s bad for most people but it’s very good for some men.
I can’t judge their immortal soul but I have grave (that may be a bit of pun) doubts that it’s very good even for some.
Our souls might be quite small. Our animal natures are undeniably large. However, Fyodor Pavlovich doesn’t seem like a happy man at all and he indulges his every appetite.