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Woke Chess
Chess, as a game, has undergone some rules changes over the years. Moving a pawn two spaces forward on it’s first move, for example, or the en passant to counter that. This time the rules have changed more than at any time since the middle ages, and I’m providing this guide for you to help understand the new rules.
We begin with the King and Queen. The word ‘Queen’ might be taken to be offensive to the LGBTQQI2S community, so please refer to the piece as ‘Princess’. This give something for little girls and little boys to aspire to.
To combat historical inequality between the genders and in order to emphasize that women can do everything that a man can do, the Princess now has the ability to move one space in every direction just like the king. This replaces her previous movement pattern of any number of spaces in any direction.
Also, please do not refer to the Princess by xir previous gender; xe’s preferred pronouns are xe and xir. Our hope with this change is to make the transgender community feel welcome in all aspects of our sport.
To make sure that African Americans of all countries don’t feel less welcome we’re allowing black to go first. Also note that to combat stereotypes against darker hues the color should only be referred to by the full phrase ‘black is beautiful’.
While black is beautiful retains the full selection of pieces white is now restricted to pawns and one king. White pawns reaching the final rank will no longer be ‘promoted’, they will become woke. Woke pieces will aid their 99% brethren in throwing off the shackles of their 1% king.
Lest anyone be offended by the historical and present-day crimes of Christianity, please refer to bishops by their new name; Imams. No move which might sacrifice an Imam is considered legal to avoid any unfortunate jokes about suicide bombers. As a culture can’t we move past that?
As a nod to our poor and housing-disadvantaged brethren all knights will be replaced by more castles. We aspire to a world where no one, regardless of their knighthood, will have to worry about where they’ll sleep tonight. To that end too captured pieces will no longer be immediately removed from the board but will have a chance to recover in the state-funded healthcare system.
Finally, while recording games in the algebraic system, please avoid using the letter “H” and the row 8 because of their white supremacist connotations. It is recommended that you skip to I and 9 respectively.
Thank you all, and please have a blessed day as you enjoy this game we all know and love cohabitate with.
Hahaha brilliant!
White pawns reaching the final rank will no longer be ‘promoted’, they will become woke
Laughed out loud! And the “Imams” hahaha
Her neck is going to get sore.
What a rook!
This sounds like one of those games where the only way to win is not to play.
This makes sense for third wave feminists. Taking powerful women and weakening them by trying to make them more like men. Originally all chess pieces were male. The queen piece was the king’s advisor or minister and didn’t have the same range of motion that the queen does. At some point around 1000 AD, the piece started being called the queen and later gained more power.
Bishop or Imam, keep them away from pawns — just saying.
Holy Iman!
I sure wish I had written this piece!
Hahaha, you had me there for the first few sentences. Since black is subject to move after white. THAT IS WHITE PRIVILEGE! The horror! Now the rule will be that both white and black must simultaneously move at the same time and they have to do it in sync or their will be a tax to pay. ;)
Hank Rhody, Ricochet’s King of Droll, strikes again!
You went off the rails here. Knights should be renamed horsies or possibly my little ponies. And rooks can no longer be rooks because of the unfortunate association with the verb meaning to defraud. Thus, rooks will be replaced by more adorable horsies since every princess wants lots of horsies.
Spit-take time, Hank… :-D
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Thank you!
Too violent
I missed one:
A pawn that becomes woke into a Princess has always been a Princess no matter what xe might have looked like beforehand. At this point in the game both players should stop and review the history of the game for any moves that in retrospect were illegal. Such moves can not have happened, and the game should be adjusted accordingly.
We’re forgetting that the transgendered play chess too. They are advocating the rooks can be of any gender they like.
My rooks identify as Apache helicopters. Game, set, match.
Yes that is their take on life. Except they really are not fond of people who insist on being the gender they were born with.
Passenger Heinz 57.