Ricochet is the best place on the internet to discuss the issues of the day, either through commenting on posts or writing your own for our active and dynamic community in a fully moderated environment. In addition, the Ricochet Audio Network offers over 50 original podcasts with new episodes released every day.
Church Lady, Traffic Cop, Spark Epic Prooftexting Battle After Blizzard
Sunday, Jan. 20, Grover Heights — The parishioners of St. John’s faced mass impoundment of their cars Sunday morning for parking them after the village snowplow had cleared the surrounding streets, but before the snow-clearing parking ban had officially expired. Feisty church lady, Cheryl Knapp, began a heated argument with Marl Burlon, the traffic cop on duty, once she realized his intention was to ticket, then tow, parishioners’ cars for “obstructing a snowplow” that had already been through.
Knapp cited 1 Corinthians 10:23, “‘I have the right to do anything,’ you say — but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’ — but not everything is constructive,” conceding that the village was within its rights to tow the alleged offending cars. But, she added, “Where is the benefit in ticketing cars for obstructing a plow they are not, in fact, obstructing, since the plow has already cleared the streets where St. John’s parishioners park?” Burlon countered that the village of Grover Heights benefits from ticket revenue, and that it’s not constructive for supposedly law-abiding citizens like churchgoers to be seen flouting even the letter of the law. “When a scoffer is punished, the simple become wise,” he quoted, adding, “Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s — including lawfully-impounded cars.”
Knapp replied that, by Romans 13:3, rulers should hold no terror for those who do right, only for wrongdoers. Surely, attending church on Sunday morning should not count as wrongdoing, so why was village parking enforcement so hellbent on terrorizing churchgoers? “‘Take up your cross and follow me,'” Burlon shot back, demanding, “Are modern Christians really so weak as to consider parking inconvenience too great a cross to bear?”
Eventually, the local sheriff, Vernon Jones, was called to the scene. By the time he arrived, siren blazing, Knapp and Burlon were deeply embroiled in an argument over whether parishioners’ cars ought to count as the modern incarnation of the “multitude of camels” in Isaiah 60:6, camels which “bring good news, the praises of the LORD”, and whether the streets of Grover Heights were blessed or cursed to be covered by this multitude when they park. Jones conceded that he found it difficult, relying on reason alone, to establish who had the better argument, Knapp or Burlon. “But,” Jones added, “Isaiah 60:6 is my life verse, and I take my arrival here as a sign from the Lord that these camels — er, cars — are blessing our streets with their presence, and since the plow has already been through, they can stay.”
Published in Religion & Philosophy
Since this story is supposed to be a spoof on prooftexting, that in real life it rarely accomplishes anything good adds to the spoof.
This story is based on a real incident, and the real church lady in question is not at all a mockable person. But as a flight of fancy, I began wondering, what if the parties involved had tried throwing down Bible quotes to win the argument, instead of doing what they probably did, which was reason it out in humdrum secular words? How would that work? How would it end?
The sheriff’s justification for ending the dispute is either a bit daft (who’d really have the “multitude of camels” verse as a life verse?) or gently wily — realizing the prooftexting arguments wouldn’t get anywhere, he comes up with a tiebreaker that really can’t be reasoned with, and so manages to settle the matter.
Ah, but have you thought of your nose as the tower of Lebanon looking toward Damascus?
The figurative language of Song of Songs seems to describe women put together by Pablo Picasso. Or perhaps Salvador Dali.
Oh. Got me.
MFS,
I thought you lived in Lake Wobegon. Apparently, Garrison is no longer the Mayor. And the children and police are not above average.
Garrison became intolerable back during the Bush II era, and there have been some changes since then.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Live_from_Here
…when he did an opening monologue mocking Reagan’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis, in the early ’90s, for me…Haven’t listened since.
I can still remember the feeling of disappointment when he began to reveal his true colors. I wrote him off and never looked back.