Tag: Humor

To Succeed In Life, You Need Three Things….

 

“A wishbone, a backbone, and a funnybone.”

Criminently that’s a clever quote! Do you know who said it? Reba McEntire. Yes, it turns out that the red-headed country singer with an Okie drawl is a damned good cracker-barrel philosopher.

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– From a middle school teacher   More

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Corinne Fisher is a stand-up comedian, co-host of popular podcast Guys We [email protected]#ked, and co-author of the book F*cked: Being Sexually Explorative and Self-Confident in a World That’s Screwed, with creative partner, Krystyna Hutchinson. She and Bridget have a conversation that is surprisingly not all about sex, though that’s certainly covered. They also talk the […]

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45 Years, or a 12-Step Program for a Successful Marriage

 

I would never have imagined that I would be married so many years. In fact, when I first met my husband-to-be, I told him that I didn’t know if I would ever get married. It just seemed like such a traumatic, demanding step; besides, who would have me?

But I was wrong—and I’m so glad I was. In meeting my husband, I found a man who is generous, smart, funny, helpful, and kind. He can also be stubborn, determined, and obsessive about detail. But I digress . . .

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I think it’s a phrase mostly used in the UK (especially with the first word spelled the way it is, so please don’t “fix” it), but it’s certainly applicable here. Here’s the definition from The Cambridge Dictionary: “To be unable to choose because there are so many possible good choices.” So. “Bill Gates reveals the […]

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Jim Geraghty of National Review and Greg Corombos of Radio America oppose pretty much every big government plan being pushed by Bernie Sanders but they welcome his honesty that big tax hikes will be required to pay for his agenda. They also cringe as Department of Energy tarnishes a wonderful program to become a more […]

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Never Argue with Sophia!

 

She’s stubborn as all get out. When she makes a plan, she sticks with it and won’t let anyone interfere. She argues with us incessantly, and when we go against her wishes, she reluctantly goes along, but only after several protests. She always wants to go back to her original plan. And she is so polite, too; it’s very annoying to see that nothing ruffles her. But most of the time we defer to her: after all, what do a couple of old geezers know about these things?!

So who is Sophia? She is our GPS system. Not the name we gave our GPS system, she is the system. We have Android Auto in our car, and sometimes I’d like to throttle Google.

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Bob Is in Thrall to a Treat-Dispensing Device Called Dogness

 

There may be a lesson in human behavior from the addiction of Bob the dog to a device called Dogness. Or maybe not. Actually, I’m not sure I’ll find a moral before I end this post. Wish me luck.

Marie and I will be taking a cruise around the Mediterranean in a couple of months, and I wanted to give Bob some comfort while we’re gone. He’s a terribly needy dog with a severe case of separation anxiety. The lady across the street is going to come to the house twice a day to look to Bob while we’re gone, but I know Bob will still miss us. To ease his distress, then, I bought Dogness, the treat-dispensing device you see to your right.

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As the race for the 2020 Presidential election heats up, it is our solemn duty to help highlight Comrade Sanders’ commitment to Marxism as he makes appearances for his campaign. I propose that we organize a network of local chapters of The People’s Army Choir. The function of each local chapter would be to attend […]

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The April Fool

 

Looking back now, I can admit that perhaps I had grown a little too confident. The dreaded April 1st was nearly over and I had fallen for nothing. To my surprise, no one had even seriously tried. My daughter, who is six, did come up to me and make some absurd claim (I can’t even remember what it was), giggling all the while. She was no match for me and I squelched it right away. She just kept on giggling despite her abject failure.

My wife’s brother had stopped by for a visit with his wife and kids, my nefarious nephews, on whom I had kept a very close watch all evening. After dinner, which came and went with no dribble cups, hidden laxatives, or shaving cream pies, I was standing in the kitchen, thinking it would be smooth sailing for the rest of the evening, when one of my nephews, Tucker, age 12, came up to me and said, “Hey Uncle D.A., your shoe’s untied.”

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Few items are as alarming in life as the shrill shriek of a smoke detector. Some dozen years ago, my spouse and I were living in a small granny unit in Lake County. Every single thing was newly furnished as the whole place was brand spanking new. The floor plan was simple: four rooms laid […]

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“Your network could be 1 connection larger. Connect with your contacts” —-LinkedIn ……………………. Above is an email I had from LinkedIn today. They do this all the time, those nudgers. Nudge Nudge Nudge. Below is the reply I sent: More

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Checking in on Bill Kristol and the Bulwark this morning… pic.twitter.com/PSyV2GXLrY — EJ Hill (@EJHill_PSC) March 25, 2019 More

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It is a lovely, cool, rainy day in the Valley of the Sun. We very much need the rains, and a snow pack on the mountains to the north, to replenish the reservoirs from the dry decade in the drought cycle. Arizona has been in drought since August 2009. The more water falls in Arizona, […]

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Church Lady, Traffic Cop, Spark Epic Prooftexting Battle After Blizzard

 

Sunday, Jan. 20, Grover Heights — The parishioners of St. John’s faced mass impoundment of their cars Sunday morning for parking them after the village snowplow had cleared the surrounding streets, but before the snow-clearing parking ban had officially expired. Feisty church lady, Cheryl Knapp, began a heated argument with Marl Burlon, the traffic cop on duty, once she realized his intention was to ticket, then tow, parishioners’ cars for “obstructing a snowplow” that had already been through.

Knapp cited 1 Corinthians 10:23, “‘I have the right to do anything,’ you say — but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’ — but not everything is constructive,” conceding that the village was within its rights to tow the alleged offending cars. But, she added, “Where is the benefit in ticketing cars for obstructing a plow they are not, in fact, obstructing, since the plow has already cleared the streets where St. John’s parishioners park?” Burlon countered that the village of Grover Heights benefits from ticket revenue, and that it’s not constructive for supposedly law-abiding citizens like churchgoers to be seen flouting even the letter of the law. “When a scoffer is punished, the simple become wise,” he quoted, adding, “Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s — including lawfully-impounded cars.”

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January Group Writing: Renovating Humor

 

The surest sign of age is the loss of the vital powers that once came with ease. The mind may be the first thing to go, as my wife has been telling me for years, but weakening flesh is the cruelest harbinger of failing vitality.

I well remember the first unmistakable sign that things were slipping away too quickly to notice. We had a tree stump in the backyard that had to be removed. So, manly man that I used to be, I buttoned up my sleeves, pulled on a pair of gloves, policed up a long crowbar and a rock to serve as a fulcrum, and set out to show that stump who was who. I got the bar lodged underneath the stump, pushed down with all my might, and…the stump refused to budge. I grunted and groaned, kick and cussed for about twenty minutes, unwilling to accept my ignominy. Fortunately, my nephew dropped by and, seeing that I was in great distress, offered to help. Now Nate is a giant of a man and a kill trained Marine who’d served three tours in Iraq, so I figured he’d just add his muscle to mine. Instead, he wrapped his arms around the stump, let out a groan, and pulled it up roots and all.

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I have just discovered a writer named Sean Dietrich. According to his website, he “is a columnist, novelist, and radio show host, known for his commentary on life in the American South.” I had never heard of him, but he is great – humorous, touching, smart. And he somehow manages to write a column – every […]

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Welp, it’s almost time once again for the annual Women’s March. This year’s pleasant festivities take place on January 19, 2019, so better start knitting those pink hats today! I don’t think these marches are helping; I mean, the anger level only seems to be increasing. Just look at that F-Bomb on her headband! I […]

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