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Illegal Russian Influence on Magnetic Navigation

 

In what may be Russia’s boldest move yet, it appears Vladimir Putin is attempting to steal the magnetic north pole. An alarming report released this week said:

[A]ccording to the science journal Nature, something strange is going on deep down below. It’s causing the magnetic North Pole to ‘skitter’ away from Canada, towards Siberia. “The magnetic pole is moving so quickly that it has forced the world’s geomagnetism experts into a rare move,” Nature reports.

The consequences of this theft of vital Canadian property could be disastrous towards anyone relying on magnetic compass readings for navigation, especially at northern latitudes where even slight deviations can make for errors of hundreds of miles. Worse yet, Putin could even be destabilizing the rotation of the Earth and inducing an unhealthy middle-aged wobble, but it may be too soon to tell, and Earth might benefit from some added time on the treadmill to help compensate.

And of course since everything seems to be politicized in this day and age, Robert Mueller has already widened his probe and issued an indictment of a former head of NOAA, Dr. Jane Lubchenco, both for having a suspiciously Slavonic name, and for colluding with Donald Trump to sell the North Pole to Putin in return for dirt (not campaign dirt, the alleged transaction appears to be just that: dirt, though the motivations here are unclear). Dr. Lubchenco has vociferously denied the charge, both by pointing out that she, in fact, served under Barack Obama, not Trump, and that as an oceanographer, and not a demi-god, moving such a large object is well beyond her powers. Mueller responded by further expanding his indictment to include Thor. Thor has yet to issue any public statement.

Vladimir Putin has meanwhile denied that he has had anything to do with the movement of the pole, and suggested that the pole is moving of its own accord in solidarity with the Russian people, and because it is attracted to Vlad’s own personal magnetism, Russian bore-holes in northern Siberia notwithstanding.

Perhaps the most worrisome aspect of all is that Santa Claus is now considered a displaced person, according to the UN, and his elves have been given official UN Refugee status, and are seeking asylum in Alaska. Trump has sought to deny the elves asylum and has promised to build a wall around Alaska to keep out the elvish caravan. Said his press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders:

The president is, of course, heartbroken at hearing that Santa Claus has lost his home, but has repeatedly warned that the elvish caravan currently crossing the Yukon will be turned back. Alaska simply cannot at this time accomodate such a large contingent, and the President is moreover highly concerned that there might be any number of gang members and other elvish impersonators disguised with the caravan.

However, the President hopes that the situation will resolve itself, that Santa and the elves will find a new home shortly and thus avoid a Blue Christmas. The President has said “the elves are Always on my Mind.”

The Pole itself cannot be reached for comment.

Published in Humor
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There are 36 comments.

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  1. Member

    The Earth-God did say that he would have more flexibility after the election and after he stopped the seas from rising. Well, he’s flexing, just like he flexed when he said that, “If you like your plan, you can keep your plan.” 

    • #1
    • January 11, 2019 at 7:01 am
    • 10 likes
  2. Member

    The Reticulator (View Comment):

    The Earth-God did say that he would have more flexibility after the election and after he stopped the seas from rising. Well, he’s flexing, just like he flexed when he said that, “If you like your plan, you can keep your plan.”

    But… but… but… Gaia!

    • #2
    • January 11, 2019 at 7:41 am
    • 5 likes
  3. Member

    OldDanRhody (View Comment):

    The Reticulator (View Comment):

    The Earth-God did say that he would have more flexibility after the election and after he stopped the seas from rising. Well, he’s flexing, just like he flexed when he said that, “If you like your plan, you can keep your plan.”

    But… but… but… Gaia!

    Gaia is likeable enough, but she lost and he won.

    • #3
    • January 11, 2019 at 8:58 am
    • 10 likes
  4. Moderator
    SkipSul Post author

    The Reticulator (View Comment):

    OldDanRhody (View Comment):

    The Reticulator (View Comment):

    The Earth-God did say that he would have more flexibility after the election and after he stopped the seas from rising. Well, he’s flexing, just like he flexed when he said that, “If you like your plan, you can keep your plan.”

    But… but… but… Gaia!

    Gaia is likeable enough, but she lost and he won.

    Toxic masculinity strikes again?

    • #4
    • January 11, 2019 at 9:01 am
    • 3 likes
  5. Member

    Sorry, @skipsul, but that can’t be an authentic article you quoted. It doesn’t mention Trump, and we all know that any mention of Russia or Putin in the “media” requires some mention of a Trump connection.

    • #5
    • January 11, 2019 at 9:26 am
    • 7 likes
  6. Member

    a) I find it ironic that the movement of the magnetic north pole since 1900 has brought it closer to the geographic north pole. You’d think that would be a good thing for navigation.

    b) Maybe the reason its movement sped up is because it was getting closer to the geographic north pole, and as it starts to move away from the geographic pole again its movement will slow back down.

    • #6
    • January 11, 2019 at 9:26 am
    • 5 likes
  7. Member

    Jim McConnell (View Comment):

    Sorry, @skipsul, but that can’t be an authentic article you quoted. It doesn’t mention Trump, and we all know that any mention of Russia or Putin in the “media” requires some mention of a Trump connection.

    Does it really need to be pointed out that it causes interference in elections? Surely that doesn’t need to be explained.

    • #7
    • January 11, 2019 at 9:28 am
    • 5 likes
  8. Member

    Also from the same website:

    We’ve known for more than a century that our planet’s magnetic field has been weakening …

    … a vital shield that protects us from harmful radiation constantly bombarding us from the Sun or deep space.

    Gosh, that sounds like the sorta thing that might have an impact on the climate.

    • #8
    • January 11, 2019 at 9:32 am
    • 5 likes
  9. Moderator
    SkipSul Post author

    Misthiocracy secretly (View Comment):

    Also from the same website:

    We’ve known for more than a century that our planet’s magnetic field has been weakening …

    … a vital shield that protects us from harmful radiation constantly bombarding us from the Sun or deep space.

    Gosh, that sounds like the sorta thing that might have an impact on the climate.

    Quiet you! Trying to bring sense to my hysteria….

    • #9
    • January 11, 2019 at 9:34 am
    • 5 likes
  10. Member

    SkipSul (View Comment):

    Misthiocracy secretly (View Comment):

    Also from the same website:

    We’ve known for more than a century that our planet’s magnetic field has been weakening …

    … a vital shield that protects us from harmful radiation constantly bombarding us from the Sun or deep space.

    Gosh, that sounds like the sorta thing that might have an impact on the climate.

    Quiet you! Trying to bring sense to my hysteria….

    What if extinction-level climate change is real, is caused by natural forces, and is unstoppable?

    Inventing a cover story that gives humanity the illusion that we can do something about it simply by imposing a few extra taxes would be a pretty good tactic for keeping everybody from cracking each other’s heads open and feasting on the goo within, don’t you think?

    How’s your hysteria now?

    • #10
    • January 11, 2019 at 9:51 am
    • 6 likes
  11. Member

    You sure it was Putin?

    • #11
    • January 11, 2019 at 12:08 pm
    • 4 likes
  12. Moderator
    SkipSul Post author

    Hank Rhody, Acting on Emotion (View Comment):

    You sure it was Putin?

    Carmen always seemed to favor landmarks, buildings, and navigable bodies of water. Subterranean molten rivers of iron just don’t seem her style – she may deal in stolen goods, but nothing that hot.

    • #12
    • January 11, 2019 at 12:14 pm
    • 4 likes
  13. Contributor

    This is so tiresome. There are people who will complain about anything, and the drifting of the magnetic pole is…

    … just one more thing to gauss about.

    • #13
    • January 11, 2019 at 12:49 pm
    • 17 likes
  14. Coolidge

    Maybe we’ll have a reversal. That will be exciting!

    • #14
    • January 11, 2019 at 12:59 pm
    • 2 likes
  15. Member

    Henry Racette (View Comment):

    This is so tiresome. There are people who will complain about anything, and the drifting of the magnetic pole is…

    … just one more thing to gauss about.

    oh ho ho… Henry wins pun of the day!

    • #15
    • January 11, 2019 at 1:00 pm
    • 3 likes
  16. Member

    Henry Racette (View Comment):

    This is so tiresome. There are people who will complain about anything, and the drifting of the magnetic pole is…

    … just one more thing to gauss about.

    That pun ranks among the greatest crimes humanity has ever committed. Not as bad as the Holodomir but you’re getting there.

    • #16
    • January 11, 2019 at 1:00 pm
    • 5 likes
  17. Member

    Hank Rhody, Acting on Emotion (View Comment):

    Henry Racette (View Comment):

    This is so tiresome. There are people who will complain about anything, and the drifting of the magnetic pole is…

    … just one more thing to gauss about.

    That pun ranks among the greatest crimes humanity has ever committed. Not as bad as the Holodomir but you’re getting there.

    Holodomor.

    As Stalin would say, “Black humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.”

    • #17
    • January 11, 2019 at 1:24 pm
    • 9 likes
  18. Member

    Henry Racette (View Comment):

    This is so tiresome. There are people who will complain about anything, and the drifting of the magnetic pole is…

    … just one more thing to gauss about.

    To be fair, it is still an interesting science story. The problem is the hyperbolic language used by the writers. 

    The fact that researchers don’t yet know the cause of a particular natural phenomenon does not qualify as a crisis. The fact that researchers have to revise a model to take new observations into account isn’t a crisis. 

    If the Standard Model of particle physics was treated this way the discovery of the Higgs Boson would have been reported as a tragic event rather than as a scientific breakthrough. “New observations at the LHC force the world’s physics experts into a rare move.”

    It could be worse. Writing a software patch to update the algorithms of navigational equipment is way less of a crisis than the turmoil that resulted from Galileo or Darwin’s observations.

    • #18
    • January 11, 2019 at 1:51 pm
    • 3 likes
  19. Moderator
    SkipSul Post author

    Henry Racette (View Comment):

    This is so tiresome. There are people who will complain about anything, and the drifting of the magnetic pole is…

    … just one more thing to gauss about.

    Well played, sir, well played!

    • #19
    • January 11, 2019 at 1:57 pm
    • 2 likes
  20. Member

     

    We must not allow a Magnetic Pole Gap!

    • #20
    • January 11, 2019 at 4:17 pm
    • 8 likes
  21. Member

    Ohfercryingoutloud! I wonder who decided that we needed to add a new crisis to the ever-growing pile of crises.

    For the record, I started dealing with magnetic declination – and its drift – when I was a Boy Scout, mffglignghg years ago. Any doofus with a transit or sextant can determine the magnetic declination with great accuracy, for that location, at that instant, in one clear night. Or you could look it up.

    Not that magnetic declination doesn’t cause problems. It’s contributing to my hair loss. I’m so tired of, “Hey Sergeant, this compass is broken. It doesn’t point north.” GAAAHHHH!

    Oh yeah, IIRC from geology classes, the earth’s magnetic field has completely reversed at least once in the lifetime of the earth.

    • #21
    • January 11, 2019 at 5:34 pm
    • 7 likes
  22. Coolidge

    Quietpi (View Comment):
    Oh yeah, IIRC from geology classes, the earth’s magnetic field has completely reversed at least once in the lifetime of the earth.

    Many times. Geologically speaking, it’s a frick’n metronome.

    • #22
    • January 11, 2019 at 5:41 pm
    • 8 likes
  23. Member

    SkipSul (View Comment):

    Hank Rhody, Acting on Emotion (View Comment):

    You sure it was Putin?

    Carmen always seemed to favor landmarks, buildings, and navigable bodies of water. Subterranean molten rivers of iron just don’t seem her style – she may deal in stolen goods, but nothing that hot.

    I’d say the geographical feature that has revolutionized navigation for the last 800 years or so is a pretty solid example of a global landmark she’d want to steal. Right up her alley.

    The only real question is which one of her V.I.L.E. henchmen she’s gonna use as a patsy.

    • #23
    • January 11, 2019 at 9:39 pm
    • 3 likes
  24. Member

    Misthiocracy secretly (View Comment):
    It could be worse. Writing a software patch to update the algorithms of navigational equipment is way less of a crisis than the turmoil that resulted from Galileo or Darwin’s observations.

    However, every piece of navigational equipment that relies on magnetism, that’s worth a nickel (not hyperbole – I mean a nickel), has a standard mechanism for adjusting for declination drift. My Silva hand compass has such a device, and it’s over 50 years old. It’s as accurate as the day I bought it. On the other hand, if you can add and subtract – problem solved. Arrrgh!

    • #24
    • January 11, 2019 at 9:47 pm
    • 3 likes
  25. Member

    SkipSul: , and because it is attracted to Vlad’s own personal magnetism,

    Are you saying Putin has negative magnetism?

    • #25
    • January 12, 2019 at 3:08 am
    • 1 like
  26. Member

    Phil Turmel (View Comment):

    Quietpi (View Comment):
    Oh yeah, IIRC from geology classes, the earth’s magnetic field has completely reversed at least once in the lifetime of the earth.

    Many times. Geologically speaking, it’s a frick’n metronome.

    We’re about due one, aren’t we?

    • #26
    • January 12, 2019 at 3:15 am
    • 2 likes
  27. Member

    It’s a pole dance…

    • #27
    • January 12, 2019 at 7:02 am
    • 5 likes
  28. Member

    Randy Webster (View Comment):

    Phil Turmel (View Comment):

    Quietpi (View Comment):
    Oh yeah, IIRC from geology classes, the earth’s magnetic field has completely reversed at least once in the lifetime of the earth.

    Many times. Geologically speaking, it’s a frick’n metronome.

    We’re about due one, aren’t we?

    Come to think of it, a complete reversal might require me to buy a new compass. Maybe. Or maybe I’ll just have to read the black end of the needle instead of the red end. But even at a rate of change many times greater than anything we’ve experienced, I reckon I’ll be, oh, 1,000 years old by then. I’ll probably have time to adjust.

    • #28
    • January 12, 2019 at 8:38 am
    • 5 likes
  29. Coolidge

    Misthiocracy secretly (View Comment):

    a) I find it ironic that the movement of the magnetic north pole since 1900 has brought it closer to the geographic north pole. You’d think that would be a good thing for navigation.

    b) Maybe the reason its movement sped up is because it was getting closer to the geographic north pole, and as it starts to move away from the geographic pole again its movement will slow back down.

    You seem to know far too much about this magnetic movement stuff for your own good? So please tell us, have you been to Moscow or St Petersburg lately?

    • #29
    • January 12, 2019 at 3:55 pm
    • 5 likes
  30. Coolidge

    Quietpi (View Comment):

    Ohfercryingoutloud! I wonder who decided that we needed to add a new crisis to the ever-growing pile of crises.

    For the record, I started dealing with magnetic declination – and its drift – when I was a Boy Scout, mffglignghg years ago. Any doofus with a transit or sextant can determine the magnetic declination with great accuracy, for that location, at that instant, in one clear night. Or you could look it up.

    Not that magnetic declination doesn’t cause problems. It’s contributing to my hair loss. I’m so tired of, “Hey Sergeant, this compass is broken. It doesn’t point north.” GAAAHHHH!

    Oh yeah, IIRC from geology classes, the earth’s magnetic field has completely reversed at least once in the lifetime of the earth.

    What are you complaining about? Magnetic declination not being what it’s cracked up to be is no where near the type of problems I have had recently.

    I mean, have you been sheltering and feeding one corpulent white bearded old man in a red suit of some kind and his obnoxious reindeer since Dec 24th 2018?

    My spouse found the man down the road, next to a rickety sled. He listened patiently as the fat man and the elves were whining about how they couldn’t navigate around the world like they had in years prior. Feeling compassion for this group of travelers, as after all it was Christmas, he offered them a place to sleep and some milk and cookies.

    And they haven’t left our home since. They have eaten us out of house and hearth. Worse than that, the elves apparently work best at night, so sleep has been impossible. Do you have any idea how loud some of these new laser blaster thing-ees are while being tested at 2AM?

    • #30
    • January 12, 2019 at 4:02 pm
    • 4 likes
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