Illegal Russian Influence on Magnetic Navigation

 

In what may be Russia’s boldest move yet, it appears Vladimir Putin is attempting to steal the magnetic north pole. An alarming report released this week said:

[A]ccording to the science journal Nature, something strange is going on deep down below. It’s causing the magnetic North Pole to ‘skitter’ away from Canada, towards Siberia. “The magnetic pole is moving so quickly that it has forced the world’s geomagnetism experts into a rare move,” Nature reports.

The consequences of this theft of vital Canadian property could be disastrous towards anyone relying on magnetic compass readings for navigation, especially at northern latitudes where even slight deviations can make for errors of hundreds of miles. Worse yet, Putin could even be destabilizing the rotation of the Earth and inducing an unhealthy middle-aged wobble, but it may be too soon to tell, and Earth might benefit from some added time on the treadmill to help compensate.

And of course since everything seems to be politicized in this day and age, Robert Mueller has already widened his probe and issued an indictment of a former head of NOAA, Dr. Jane Lubchenco, both for having a suspiciously Slavonic name, and for colluding with Donald Trump to sell the North Pole to Putin in return for dirt (not campaign dirt, the alleged transaction appears to be just that: dirt, though the motivations here are unclear). Dr. Lubchenco has vociferously denied the charge, both by pointing out that she, in fact, served under Barack Obama, not Trump, and that as an oceanographer, and not a demi-god, moving such a large object is well beyond her powers. Mueller responded by further expanding his indictment to include Thor. Thor has yet to issue any public statement.

Vladimir Putin has meanwhile denied that he has had anything to do with the movement of the pole, and suggested that the pole is moving of its own accord in solidarity with the Russian people, and because it is attracted to Vlad’s own personal magnetism, Russian bore-holes in northern Siberia notwithstanding.

Perhaps the most worrisome aspect of all is that Santa Claus is now considered a displaced person, according to the UN, and his elves have been given official UN Refugee status, and are seeking asylum in Alaska. Trump has sought to deny the elves asylum and has promised to build a wall around Alaska to keep out the elvish caravan. Said his press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders:

The president is, of course, heartbroken at hearing that Santa Claus has lost his home, but has repeatedly warned that the elvish caravan currently crossing the Yukon will be turned back.  Alaska simply cannot at this time accomodate such a large contingent, and the President is moreover highly concerned that there might be any number of gang members and other elvish impersonators disguised with the caravan.

However, the President hopes that the situation will resolve itself, that Santa and the elves will find a new home shortly and thus avoid a Blue Christmas.  The President has said “the elves are Always on my Mind.”

The Pole itself cannot be reached for comment.

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  1. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Misthiocracy secretly (View Comment):

    a) I find it ironic that the movement of the magnetic north pole since 1900 has brought it closer to the geographic north pole. You’d think that would be a good thing for navigation.

    b) Maybe the reason its movement sped up is because it was getting closer to the geographic north pole, and as it starts to move away from the geographic pole again its movement will slow back down.

    They have to change the magnetic declination on all the charts.

    • #31
  2. Randy Webster Member
    Randy Webster
    @RandyWebster

    Percival (View Comment):

    Misthiocracy secretly (View Comment):

    a) I find it ironic that the movement of the magnetic north pole since 1900 has brought it closer to the geographic north pole. You’d think that would be a good thing for navigation.

    b) Maybe the reason its movement sped up is because it was getting closer to the geographic north pole, and as it starts to move away from the geographic pole again its movement will slow back down.

    They have to change the magnetic declination on all the charts.

    You mean it’s a conspiracy by the mapmakers?

    • #32
  3. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Randy Webster (View Comment):

    Percival (View Comment):

    Misthiocracy secretly (View Comment):

    a) I find it ironic that the movement of the magnetic north pole since 1900 has brought it closer to the geographic north pole. You’d think that would be a good thing for navigation.

    b) Maybe the reason its movement sped up is because it was getting closer to the geographic north pole, and as it starts to move away from the geographic pole again its movement will slow back down.

    They have to change the magnetic declination on all the charts.

    You mean it’s a conspiracy by the mapmakers?

    With GPS in every smart phone, they gotta do something.

    • #33
  4. Mister Dog Coolidge
    Mister Dog
    @MisterDog

    Quietpi (View Comment):

    Misthiocracy secretly (View Comment):
    It could be worse. Writing a software patch to update the algorithms of navigational equipment is way less of a crisis than the turmoil that resulted from Galileo or Darwin’s observations.

    However, every piece of navigational equipment that relies on magnetism, that’s worth a nickel (not hyperbole – I mean a nickel), has a standard mechanism for adjusting for declination drift. My Silva hand compass has such a device, and it’s over 50 years old. It’s as accurate as the day I bought it. On the other hand, if you can add and subtract – problem solved. Arrrgh!

    -Can Dead Men Vote Twice At Elections

    -True Virgins Make Dull Companions At Weddings

    Correcting and uncorrecting the compass. I think I read the second one has been changed due to political correctness, but these are what I learned way back in QM “A” school.

     

    • #34
  5. JimGoneWild Coolidge
    JimGoneWild
    @JimGoneWild

    One of the first things I learned in a U.S. Army land navigation course is that the magnetic pole changes. Why wouldn’t the media know this … Oh, right. Never mind.

    • #35
  6. Jarvis Morse-Loyola Coolidge
    Jarvis Morse-Loyola
    @irb

     

    Oh like this is a surprise. The Russians have never asked the Poles for permission to do anything and they’re not going to start now.

    • #36
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