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You’re Doin’ It Wrong
Today is Halloween, which means that tonight is Beggar’s Night. Or as I like to call it, my neighbor’s annual chance to confirm that someone actually does live in that house. At 6pm, I’ll need to be outside, as a bunch of rando people come walking up my driveway expecting me to interact with them.
What a horror show.
But the worst part is having to watch what’s going on in front of me, the alleged Trick-or-Treating. Kids in store-bought costumes being escorted around by parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles… about two adults per child. They go up and down just our street, stopping and talking at each house as they go, the annual catchup for all the adults on the street. I sit, as this dismal failure unfolds before my eyes, with one thought reverberating through my head.
You’re doin’ it wrong.
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Jump in the Wayback Machine and we’ll go back to 1970, when kids knew how to do it right. I was eight that year, and although I didn’t know it, this would be my last year in the old neighborhood. I’ve written about that neighborhood before; a huge development, one of three in the town, where about four out of five houses contained school-age children.
Beggar’s Night back then ran from 6pm-9pm. At about 4pm you would realize that you needed some kind of Halloween costume, or people wouldn’t give you candy when you got to their door. Not to worry. A trip to the junk drawer in the kitchen looking for a cork. On the rare occasions when wine is consumed in the house, and on the even more rare occasions that said wine doesn’t have a screw top, the corks are saved for just his reason. Burn the cork and you can use it to give yourself Bluto-style five o’clock shadow.
At this point you have two ways to go. Find a bandana; there’s always a couple around the house. If you put something in it and tie it to a stick, you’re on your way to a hobo. Just wear some crappy clothes (a.k.a. the clothes you wear every day), and you’re all set.
Or you can go all out. Wrap the bandana around your head and tie it to the side. Make an eyepatch out of paper and a shoelace; if you don’t have black paper, that’s what magic markers are for. Go the extra mile and cut a sword out of cardboard. Gar, you’re a pirate.
The costume didn’t matter, because it wasn’t about the costume; it was about the candy. A lot of candy. And that meant volume. The idea of only covering one street would have horrified us. Our goal was to hit a hundred, hundred and fifty houses.
To do that, you have to move fast, and that means leaving the adults at home. None of this walking up the driveway stuff. No, you cut through the yards, jump over the flower beds, moving at a constant run, only stopping when you’re in front of the door, yelling “Trick or Treat”. And there we would stand, quivering like greyhounds at the starting gate, desperately repressing the urge to scream:
“Let’s go, let’s go… I got a schedule to keep!”
But these were all parents, and if you said something like that they would want to talk to you about having a proper attitude, and that crap can seriously cut into your trick-or-treatin’ time. So, we smiled, and held our tongues, doing our best to look normal during that completely abnormal time.
You have to understand the enormity of it. People were giving away candy! You just walk up to the door and they give you candy. It boggled the mind, but even at our tender ages we knew, deep down to our very souls, that this was what made America great.
Of course, with people expecting three, four thousand kids to come by, a lot of what we got was fairly marginal stuff:
- A cellophane packet with three kernels of candy corn. For some reason, one was bigger than the others. I always ate that one first.
- A small paper envelope with two small SweetTarts.
- A tiny cardboard box with two Chiclets. What do I look like, my mom? (Of course, you didn’t say that. Attitude, crap, cutting into time).
But there were gems among the cheap stuff:
- Mini rolls of Necco wafers. Always a favorite.
- Ah, Smarties. Put the whole roll in your mouth and crunch. Oh, the rush of sugar and artificial flavors. It just doesn’t get any better than that.
- Tootsie Roll Pops, along with the entire panoply of other suckers.
- Bazooka and Double Bubble. You can never have too much bubblegum.
Then you move into the premium tier, and that means chocolate.
- Mini-size, and fun-size and best of all snack-size candy bars. People giving away candy bars. Seriously… mind boggled.
But what you lived for were the unicorns.
- Full-size candy bars. Even in our working-class neighborhood, there were people going that all out for Halloween. Trust me, word spread among the ravening horde as to the location of these poor fools, who doubtless ended up with far more visitors than they had ever anticipated.
- Popcorn balls covered in caramel. Where else do you get those other than Halloween?
- Homemade caramel covered apples. I can still taste it, sitting here now, the saltiness of the caramel against the sweetness of the apple.
We would use large-size paper grocery bags, and we would come home with pounds of stuff. We would be exhausted but filled with the pride that only comes from a job well done. Plus, we had pounds of stuff.
The only worry left was how to keep my older brothers from stealing my candy.
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So kids, up your game and start doing it right. Ditch the old folks, run through the yards, and start getting the job done. Oh, and while you’re at it, you might at least pretend that there is some truth behind your threat of producing a trick if I disappoint you. I look at these kids, standing there with half their family in tow, and I want to ask them… did you bring any eggs? How about a bar of soap? You’ve got nothin’, right? Get off of my driveway.
But if I do that the parents want to talk to me about having the proper attitude and that crap can really increase the amount of time I have to spend interacting with people.
“Let’s go let’s go! I got a schedule to keep.”
Published in Group Writing
Well, thank you! Clearly, you have low standards.
I almost died (serious hyperbole) toilet papering a friends house when I was a teenager. They lived next to a woods, and the dad came out mid-job and yelled “Freeze”, so of course we took off at a dead sprint. I was running through the woods and tripped on something, fell and landed on a wooden stump about 3 inches in diameter, dead center on my chest. Was seriously nauseous, had to be helped to the car by my friends, and didn’t feel right for a couple days afterwards. Also had a noticeable bump on the center bone (sternum?) on my chest for several weeks.
And of course I couldn’t tell my parents what happened.
Certainly in the town I lived in as a teenager (early 1970’s) getting TP’d was a show of affection.
Not Halloween, but for a friend’s birthday I got roped into TP’ing his house. After finishing, we were pulled over by the police for a not operating taillight (on a car with a bunch of teenaged boys). The kid driving the car said it was probably a loose wire (a truthful statement, as the car had that sort of problem). He instinctively opened the trunk to adjust it without thinking about the remaining toilet paper in there. The (young) police officer said, “Already done, or going to?” When we confirmed we were already done, he said, “OK. You can go.” But for a few seconds the ringleader/driver had some serious self-concern.
I think I would have gone with “Well not anymore!” but I don’t know that that would help the situation.
Hate might be a little strong. But I never felt right asking people to just give me candy. And making conversation with people who are drinking gives me a migraine.
There was also a girl who’s house two friends and I toilet-papered at least 4 or 5 times in a few week period. (Katie Cornell, if you’re out there, I apologize on behalf of myself, Kurt and Rich).
These were quality jobs. Rich even went up on their deck and placed single sheets on each the small potted plants they kept there.
My church’s high school youth group held a fundraising auction. One of the items to be auctioned off was a toilet paper job to be executed on the house of the purchaser’s choice. It was described as a quality, 24-roll job. Two families got into a bidding war over it, and it soon became clear that whoever lost was going to be the target, so the bidding went on for a long time.
We had a new minister that started a few months later, and they ended up using it on the parsonage the night before his first service.
We paper-toweled a house once, because I got nervous going into the store to buy supplies (bunch of high school kids go into the store on a Friday night and buy nothing but large quantities of toilet paper?) and grabbed the wrong package off the shelf.
24-roll job? Pffft. We did a girl’s house (now my sister-in-law) with a hundred rolls. Bigger than average property, lots of trees.
When my oldest brother was in High School, we got hit with the biggest TP job I’ve ever seen. Not only every tree covered with TP, but they also covered the lawn with shredded newspaper.
Hmm… what if I gave out single rolls of toilet paper instead of candy?
True. Is also heavier so it weighs them down more.
I think I always figured that soda was more of a treat because it was a) generally something that was limited in everyday use, and b) a non-standard but good treat.
I guess if you got it on sale, it might work.
It’s more the having to do it in the first place. As long as I’m out talking to people, they can darn well give me candy.
I usually get that from the drinking.
My children would love you forever.
Keep in mind a lot of kids drop their candy bags over the course of a night or trip on their costume. This has disaster (or joy depending on your sense of humor) written all over it
For a really big job like that you need some paint rollers and leaf blowers. I am in charge of a children’s ministry at my church and taught the kids how to empty a 1,000 sheet roll in under 10 seconds (what are they thinking leaving me in charge?)
Can I get an ‘AMEN’?
@samrhody figures that it’s cheaper by the two liter bottle. Just pour some in each kid’s sack…
Something about the bodies on the lawn.
Hey, they need the energy to run from house to house in the old style.
This thread may be the best of the year.
While I admire the ingenuity, we had some real professionals in the group, guys who can take care of a roll in two throws. (It’s all about technique.)
And quieter.
Yeah, the leaf blowers would make it hard to be sneaky.
Sounds like you find ways to engage the older boys (a tough audience) more than many of the typical crafts do.
4PM and the kids are out already. Time for my traditional Halloween theme song:
https://www.ruclip.me/video/f2lCDQ8j9bE/the-guess-who-shakin-all-over-skeleton-dance/
I just had my first customers. And now it’s raining. Hmmmmm, I just might have a lot of leftover candy…
Are you all wearing costumes to answer the door?
I promise to wear pants. That’s all they get.
I figure that was because you did not want to hear the laughter